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  #11  
Old 11-12-2013, 03:22 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Scarlette View Post
I'm just feeling really frustrated that my time with his is also partially spent with her, but she can see him all week and half the weekend alone. It's an issue I just don't know the resolution to.
The resolution is to ask for what you want. What else would you think the resolution would be?

What prevents you, exactly, from saying to Isaac, "I am frustrated by the lack of privacy in our situation. I want alone time with you. Please arrange to make that happen because I can't keep meeting in your bedroom with your wife waiting just outside the door."

Is she sticking around to maintain some sense of control over what he does? Doesn't she have friends she can hang with or grocery-shopping to do while you and he get together?

If he doesn't make the effort to be alone with you, which is something so, so simple and adult, then it would seem disrespectful to me, and immature, and I would question the value of continuing the relationship.


Edit:
I suggested talking to Isaac and not both of them because this is about your relationship with him and getting more alone time with him. I don't believe other people need to be managing relationships they are not in.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-12-2013 at 03:31 AM.
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  #12  
Old 11-12-2013, 06:54 AM
london london is offline
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I suggested talking to Isaac and not both of them because this is about your relationship with him and getting more alone time with him. I don't believe other people need to be managing relationships they are not in.
I agree. I'm not into bypassing your partner, going to your metamour and telling them what to do. It's your partners job to maintain their relationships. They need to be trusted to do so.
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  #13  
Old 11-12-2013, 09:22 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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You have an advantage in that Hanna is already your friend. Wouldn't it be simplest to sit down with her one-on-one and talk about what you both want? It's not fair to expect someone in the middle to both perfectly understand your wishes (without knowing the right questions to ask) and then perfectly explain them to someone (without knowing the answers to the questions that person asks).

As for time distribution, don't forget that they are married and have a life together, a house and finances, all that jazz. I totally get that it sucks to be stuck at home with your husband overseas (mine works out of town, so I have an inkling, but I can't even begin to imagine going months at a time without seeing him) ... but try to remember, that's not Hanna's fault. She shouldn't be expected to give up half her time with her own husband just because you're dating him and yours is overseas.

I don't understand what she means by she's going to back away and not try to get time with Isaac. To me, that sounds like a guilt trip. I mean, they live together... of course they're going to have time together. Where is she going to go away to? Is she going to start living with her parents or something, and wait for Isaac to come rescue her?

It sounds like she's having trouble dealing with jealousy issues. It really does sound like she's trying, giving you guys space and time, but that she's struggling. She may be repressing feelings because she doesn't want to stand in your way, but that those feelings are brewing inside her and coming out toxic. Hence, the self-sacrificing guilt trips.

Finally, regarding alone time, I think you need to work that out somewhere other than her house. Frankly m'dear, it's not her problem. In her mind, she's already making a leap by sharing her husband with you and giving up time that used to be all theirs for you to see him. What about getting your sitter to take the kids to their house and having Isaac over? If that isn't possible, then find somewhere else to go together. In other words, if you want alone time with him, it's up to you to figure out how to do that, not up to her to leave her own house to give you that.
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  #14  
Old 11-12-2013, 09:32 AM
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I agree that they should have their alone time elsewhere but when they tried, she said it feels like they are trying to avoid her. Ie unless all quality time is spent under her supervision, she feels excluded.
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  #15  
Old 11-12-2013, 10:02 AM
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You're all so amazing! Thank you for giving me much advice and things to consider. There where some very good points made that I hadn't thought of before. I do try my best to remember that it isn't Hanna's fault that Michael is away and she is awesome for being so open to working things out. I am going to keep trying to research poly time management as well for ideas.

I talked to both Hanna and Issac a bit today about it. Hanna invited me over to chat. She said that she understands that having someone just down the hall able to pop up at any time can be frustrating. Not to mention if she had some "crazy bitch" (he words not mine ) around often while Issac and her where first together then she'd be getting upset too. She also said that the whole group is off balance with Michael gone and the only solution she can think of is not be "under foot" and disappear while I am with Issac. She plans to get a futon and sleep at work when I come over (we work together at a business she owns) so we can have some time alone. I told her it doesn't have to come to just kicking her out of her own house, I just want some time which is why I was just suggesting nights at a hotel. I am clear it is an issue that Issac and I need to figure out. I add if I had even a rough schedule of when my time was then I can plan stuff with Issac so it's less sitting around the house watching TV and more of us going and doing something together. She is sticking to getting set up to sleep at work. I figure Issac and I can figure out a schedule amongst us two and see how it goes from there. All four of us don't like the idea of her just hiding out at work whenever I'm around so I am hoping we can work something out.

With Issac, I briefly talked to him on his work break about asking Hanna for time and he wasn't receptive of the idea. We both do much better over text rather then talking about things in person, and I ended up sending this very long message shortly after we talked.
"I know you don't like the idea of talking to Hanna about plans with you and I. You would rather us figure it out and let you know because it is easier that way. Yet if the Hanna and I's relationship wasn't there I would be asking you for time and you would be making the time or not. I wouldn't be asking her if you can come out and play. Same reason why your band asks you if you're free on whatever night to play and not Hanna. Because it's your life and if you want to do it you figure out the way to make time to not tell them to talk to your wife. I know the drama sucks. I know because I am the one asking for us time right now. I'm the one taking the drama. Asking your wife if you can be with me (or asking my friend if my boyfriend is free). Did you ever have to talk to Michael about going out with me? I should be asking my boyfriend if my boyfriend is free and has time for me, right?
Please trust me when I tell you that I will do my best to not put you in a sticky situation. I will still do my best to make sure that Hanna is getting some time with you and not ask for too much time. Still, I don't know how you guys are and I won't always know if you and her are getting any time. I assumed you guys had all last Saturday together when apparently you didn't and she assumed I had all of Sunday with you even though you dropped me off after the class. Only you know. If you want everyone to be happy by the end of the weekend, then perhaps that means having your part in it too will help reach that goal. Your not doing anything wrong my love. We are just learning how to work this all out. If the biggest problem amongst the four of us is that we love each other so much that we want to spend every moment with each other, then that is not to bad of a problem to have. In the end, I know we will work something out and I love you so very much my sweet. ❤️"
Hopefully we can work something out! Thank you all again for the awesome advice!
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  #16  
Old 11-12-2013, 10:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I agree that they should have their alone time elsewhere but when they tried, she said it feels like they are trying to avoid her. Ie unless all quality time is spent under her supervision, she feels excluded.
Well, she is being excluded. Even little kids have to learn that they don't always get to come to the party. Grown-ups should already know this.

That's the blunt way of putting it. But the point is, time between Isaac and Scarlette isn't about Hannah. At all. It's about Isaac and Scarlette.

Unless... maybe it is about Hannah...

Scarlette: What are your feelings about her? You mentioned that you guys explored things a bit at first but she said she didn't want to stand in your way. I'm just wondering if some of her reaction isn't in part that she also wants to be with you romantically, and maybe that's even why she's hovering when you're with Isaac. And why she's willing to put herself on the sidelines, sleeping at work, so you guys can be together. In other words, maybe none of this is about romantic time with Isaac, but rather with you. Just a thought, feel free to tell me I'm out to lunch.
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  #17  
Old 11-12-2013, 03:08 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by Scarlette View Post
Since Michael is gone, Hanna and I have been trying to make do with getting our needs met as much as possible from Issac. ....

I'm starting to feel as if my needs don't really matter as only being "the girlfriend".
What kind of 'needs' are you talking about? Sexual? Dinners out? Adult conversation? Romance? Fixing your toilet? Helping around the house or with young kids?

Why is your house not available? Where are your children when you're with Michael overnight or the other evening?
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  #18  
Old 11-12-2013, 04:53 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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Sort of feels like Hanna is getting the short end of the stick here. Like she went into this excepting time with Michael but is ending up with less then what she had in the first place. Like a bait and switch type of thing. Now she's sharing Isaac but getting nothing in return.

I don't know any details I'm just on the outside looking in.
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  #19  
Old 11-12-2013, 05:22 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Scarlette spells it Issac, so I did too. Others are correcting her and spelling it Isaac, like in the Bible.

Which is it? Minor detail but I gotta know!

Back to the problem: Quads and triads are complicated beasts! Everyone needs to look inside themselves, feel and identify their feelings. I know from experience, one can get into that self sacrifice mode when one's primary is with someone new, and step back to give them space, feel some compersion, but also some resentment and fear. Maybe she'd rather sleep at work than have you two get a hotel, to save money? Hotels are expensive.

Calendar sharing is a must. There isn't much room for spontaneity when one has kids, and when one is poly with a primary, even more planning is necessary. It's just a fact of life.
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  #20  
Old 11-14-2013, 03:01 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatToDo View Post
Sort of feels like Hanna is getting the short end of the stick here. Like she went into this excepting time with Michael but is ending up with less then what she had in the first place. Like a bait and switch type of thing. Now she's sharing Isaac but getting nothing in return.

I don't know any details I'm just on the outside looking in.
From my understanding, the Michael-Hanna connection was an afterthought. Scarlette met them first and started dating them as a couple, but then Hanna stepped away so that Scarlette and Issac could get closer. Scarlette really liked them so she encouraged Hanna and Michael to form a connection as well.

That said, there's still this Scarlette-Hanna connection that seems to have been completely forgotten. I personally suspect that has more to do with it than the Michael connection, whom she's only met once.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Scarlette spells it Issac, so I did too. Others are correcting her and spelling it Isaac, like in the Bible.
Wow I totally didn't catch that. Considering how many times she typed "Issac" I'm assuming that's correct. My brain saw "Is.ac" and filled in the rest. Definitely wasn't intended as a correction, I don't even know the guy!

Baby name search... turns out Issac is also a Hebrew name, with exactly the same meaning as Isaac. I'm betting dollars to donuts they're the same name in Hebrew, and it's just the Latin spelling that's different. I usually pronounce Isaac "eye-ZAY-ik" but I know it can also be pronounced "EYE-zik" or "EYE-zak."

Sorry for the digression.
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