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  #11  
Old 03-22-2010, 03:17 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Unhappy

And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse...

Saturday night Elric and I had another talk. This was instigated by a new email I sent him requesting that we talk about a decision I had made. Or more, I was in the process of making. I had decided that it might be a good idea to "unfriend" each other on Facebook for the rest of my pregnancy (three months) and then start fresh in July. We could still email or text if something big happened, we wouldn't be ending our friendship, which neither wanted, but trying to back up a little.

When I was coming to this decision, I was afraid that he might "unfriend" me out of anger and not tell me what was going on (as another friend had basically done last Saturday). I was tired of other people making decisions that effected my life and as I didn't want to do the same I sent the email asking him to talk with me about this.

We had another very good conversation and it ended well. At least I thought so. I told him what I was thinking, assured him that I still wanted to be friends and that this would be a temporary thing, but I was still unsure if I wanted to take such a drastic step. He had said that he had thought about it from time to time as well when he was really upset and frustrated with me and my "not taking his word at face value," but felt that doing so would be hiding and he did not want to hide.

Things were explained and smoothed out and the unloading from both sides helped me feel less afraid and cornered into doing something like this. I said that I wanted to think about it a couple more days and he said "take your time." Then we said good night.

Sunday rolls around and I'm feeling pretty good. We both had our say and it looked like things were getting back on track. I was very proud that I was able to distract myself from thinking about him for the first time in a long time. He popped on that night for a few minutes and then off and I thought nothing of it really as he does that on occasion.

Later I was finishing up some of the games I play there and noticed that on some of the games we had both been playing, he wasn't showing up on my "team" anymore. I went and checked to see if he was still playing the game through the game page and he wasn't listed as a "friend playing". I thought it was kinda strange so I went to leave a message on his wall to see what was up.

I couldn't access his wall. He "unfriended" me. I thought that being told that he couldn't have a sexual relationship or a romantic relationship hurt, I thought that being told that he only loved me as a friend hurt...but this? It would have been one thing if he had said something to me, especially in light of how well our conversation seemed to have gone, but not even to send a message... I feel like a part of me is missing.

I sent him an email to see what happened as I am totally at a loss...I honestly have no clue what could have happened in 24 hours that made him do this. A small part of me is hoping it was just a mistake, hit the wrong link or something, but I know better than that.

I sat and cried for almost two hours most of which Cajun curled around me and handed me tissues (he is wonderful to me). He tried to cheer me up a little or at least ease the pain by saying things like, maybe Elric couldn't handle waiting to see if I did it and just did it himself, to which I replied, well at least I would have said something to him first.

I hate using the phrase "fair" but this feels so unfair. I thought we were finally, finally getting things on the right track, that we might actually get it right this time. With him not saying anything to me, it feels more final then what I had planned.

Now I have to wait and see if he replies to my email and see what he has to say. I think part of me would be angry that he had given me no reason to think he would do this but I'm just hurting too much right now. I feel so lost. I was reconciled and even coming to look forward to just being friends...and now this happens... how many more adjectives can I use to describe how I am feeling right now?

I have to go and try to take my mind off of this (yeah right) at least for a little while. I don't need my mom asking questions with my eyes as puffy as they are. Time to go act like a normal reclusive pregnant woman as opposed to the depressed and destroyed lump that I feel like right now. How melodramatic, eh?
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  #12  
Old 03-22-2010, 03:48 PM
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" With him not saying anything to me, it feels more final then what I had planned. "

...Then what you had planned ? He needs to be left alone, not answering for his every action. He is not helping matters, when he gives you hope. You seem to be hurting so bad, you see 'hope' with each small gesture.


I am sorry you are going through all this hurt and pain. It is hard to let go of someone we love. Sometimes the Drama is all we have left, and we clutch to it, because our heart feels, that it is better then nothing. Each conversation,.....no matter the topic, is a way to keep the drama alive.

In order to be friends, you have to give yourself time away from each other.

Let your hearts heal, then broach it months down the road, and see if the friendship still exsists.


It is definetly one of those times, where it`s easy to see on the outside looking in, but very hard for the person living it, to come to terms with it all. I don`t comment out of any feeling of superiority. I think in many ways, most of us have been where you are at.

Take that great husband of yours, and focus the energy there. Someone else said to flirt and look around a little. It appears you may have become so absorbed in Elric, your heart forgets others exsist.


Take a deep breath, and lift your eyes, from off the ground. You need to force yourself to do the actions, (stay away from him) and THEN your heart, will heal, and your head will clear.


Be well.
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  #13  
Old 03-22-2010, 03:59 PM
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I Totally agree, couldn't have said it better.
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  #14  
Old 03-22-2010, 04:52 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Thank you for your input SJ and RS. And yes it is one of those times where it is easier said from the outside than done from the inside. Although I feel I need to defend myself on a couple of points.

I am not asking him to explain every action. I am only asking for an explanation as to this sudden turn around. It was not just in my mind or a seed of hope for more (which is finally quenched) that makes me think that our conversation went well. It was actual and mutual as he said that he felt better too with the unloading.

Secondly, he and I have hardly talked over the last few months other than the casual, "Hey, how are you?" small talk. We live 400 miles apart so it's not like we can see each other that often and when we saw each other last, things went very well, including the platonic kiss which at first caused me worry. We commented on walls and sent game gifts and that was about it for our communications. These last two talks were more in depth and more like what we started with when we first started forging our friendship, even before we started to think of each other as a possible more. It felt good and right to be going back to that.

As for the quote of mine that you used, I had never intended for the split to be final. It would have been more like a cast to help the wounds heal. This feels like an amputation with no warning. Even the other guy who I mentioned had the decency to send a message telling me his wife was insecure and jealous if we were just talking about the weather. Elric needn't IM me but an email or message just saying that unfriending for a while might be the best after all would have been decent and would not have filled me with any false hopes.

Yes, I am hurt. Who wouldn't be? Did I become so absorbed in Elric that I had forgotten there are others out there. Not exactly. Elric was the beginning of this whole poly journey for us, he is what inspired it. I don't even know if I would want a relationship outside of Cajun and I. I know I have mentioned that I hate dating. I hated "looking for love." I also will not subject someone new to a broken person which is the point that I am at right now. Jumping in so quickly only leads to more heartache.

I honestly and truly believe that after Saturday nights conversation, my heart was starting to heal, that seed of "hoping for more" had finally been dug out along with the roots. I felt better about where we were at then I had in a long time. This unfriending was not just a band-aid being ripped off, it was like having the scab ripped off along with surrounding skin and then lemon juice and salt being poured on and rubbed. This was the opposite of an anti-septic, this was having gangrene rubbed in. This was about the friendship, not about any notions of more.

I know that if I don't hear from him soon, I know I will have to just go on. I will stick to the original decision idea and after my baby is born I will attempt to friend him and see what happens.

I'm sorry if it seems like I am attacking you, but I am only attacking the ideas (and yes there is a huge difference). I am very much on the defensive right now as you can imagine. I do thank you for your input and in time, yes, I will be able to completely let go of the pain...but right now, that is not possible as it is too fresh.
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  #15  
Old 03-22-2010, 05:17 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Default No worries, I don`t feel attacked one bit.

As the title says, I don`t feel attacked, nor do my ideas, actually.

Point of view is the difference, that is all.

Speaking of points, here are a few ;

- Distance does not stop a relationship. If the person is on your mind, and in your heart still. If you think about them often, see them in gaming-world, profiles, forums, emails, etc, ...Then they are still, ' In Your Life '.

- He has explained many things, and you two seem to see things differently. Your POV`s differ, and the roller coaster conversations are proof of that.

- To talk and flirt a little with others is harmless. It is acceptable, and normal to get to know other people. You can be upfront about your broken heart, and need to heal, while still developing friendships. No expectations should come of that.

As they say,.."Nothing good ever came easy.."

...The flip side to that is;

"Nothing worthwhile ever came forced. "


Try to take everything typed, as food for thought, not a criticism. That is the spirit in which it was given. We all respond to each others stories, and remarks, as a way to hopefully help each other grow, and see various points of view. Feel free to remind me of that sometime, when I post a story



All in all, I wish you the best, no matter the outcome. Can`t wait to hear of the new baby ,...that will be a definite joy !
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  #16  
Old 03-22-2010, 05:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post

It is definetly one of those times, where it`s easy to see on the outside looking in, but very hard for the person living it, to come to terms with it all.
Vandalin -

I really didn't take any of what you said as an "attack" on me. I have totally been where you are, and felt how you feel before - so I understand.

Maybe what he did is really to the benefit of you and your friendship together in the long run. He may have done you a favor. Ripping the bandaid off and making a unilateral decision for himself and what he wanted may be the only way he could send you a clear message that he needs space. He has every right to do that.

I honestly think you also need space, and I suggest you don't try to contact him for an explanation. His actions said it all. If it was a mistake, or there was more to say, he will contact you on his own time.

Have you ever heard of the "no contact rule"? I am a big fan of this. If you end a relationship (this also can mean the changing of one) sometimes, no contact can give you the opportunity to refocus, clear your head, etc.

Sometimes it is more appropriate than others. This situation seems like the perfect time to put this in place. No contact mean no contact. at all. No facebook, No calls, No texts, No anonymous cyber stalking, etc.

You will know when it is time to break the no contact time period. You will feel like your old self again. You will be happy with your current life. You will not feel the need for contact.

Some may say this is harsh. But, I know it has worked for me, and allowed for the rebuilding of friendships that are true and relaxed. ( I have a pretty good "ex to friends" track record!)

RS
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  #17  
Old 03-22-2010, 05:38 PM
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He just friended me again and told me that he thought he would give me a "boost" as I seemed determined to resolve the issue. He didn't mean it as a surprise and apologized if the intention was misunderstood.

I think I had just hoped that this could be a mutual agreement and not a unilateral decision. I'm tired of others making decisions for me and I don't like making decisions for others.

I just wanted another day or two to decide if this was what I/we needed, not have it sprung on me.

Perhaps if this was his way of agreeing with me, then maybe it would be best. But as a door closing, not being slammed.
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  #18  
Old 03-23-2010, 12:52 AM
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Feeling pretty decent right now. We weren't really able to talk much as he was at work. But I decided that yes, taking a break would be good for both of us. I sent him an email telling him this and a few other things that I needed to say. And although it did sting a little to "unfriend" him, this time I know things are okay and that in July we can start fresh, not start over, but (as I seem to be big on this theme lately) as a phoenix rises from the ashes our friendship will rise and be brighter than before.

Little Engine that Could is now saying, "I know I can, I know I can."

The most frustrating person may finally have a little peace with that seed of "wanting more" thoroughly disposed of and finally...finally ready for the future.

And no, I don't plan on seeking out anyone new just yet...I've got enough on my plate with the upcoming baby and potential moving and 3 yr old daughter and wonderful husband and helpful mother. But as I have a smile on my face and a smile in my heart, this is plenty for now. Thank you again for all of your advice and support. I will still be poking around whether we do become actively poly or not.
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  #19  
Old 03-23-2010, 02:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
Thank you again for all of your advice and support. I will still be poking around whether we do become actively poly or not.
You better poke around..or we'll find you...we'll break out the poly sniffer dogs...they specialize in people with huge hearts so you are an easy catch

Take care
Mono
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  #20  
Old 03-23-2010, 02:36 AM
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aw shucks. You so sweet! Thanks.
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