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  #11  
Old 11-09-2013, 10:15 PM
london london is offline
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Attempting to change your mindset from a monogamous one to a polyamorous one is difficult for someone who ids as poly, let alone someone who doesn't or is unsure if they do. Attempting to do so to be with someone who has that relationship style opposed to doing it because it's something you feel would work for you is inadvisable but it does work out for some and will probably involve some hardship along the way. It is therefore greatly advisable to take an objective look at the relationship and decide whether the hardship is outweighed by the benefits of the relationship at the end. Eg. I read something by a mono in a poly relationship where he said that he would have never agreed to go through the hardship if he didn't have some assurance that they would have a primary style relationship, at least in terms of things like kids and a house. Going through all the pain wouldn't have been worth it if she were to go on to do that with someone else. Largely because that would mean him sacrificing that desire. Plus, if you do weigh up the pros and cons objectively, and find that it is more beneficial than not that "list" is something you can refer to when shit gets tough.
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  #12  
Old 11-09-2013, 11:03 PM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Attempting to change your mindset from a monogamous one to a polyamorous one is difficult for someone who ids as poly, let alone someone who doesn't or is unsure if they do. Attempting to do so to be with someone who has that relationship style opposed to doing it because it's something you feel would work for you is inadvisable but it does work out for some and will probably involve some hardship along the way. It is therefore greatly advisable to take an objective look at the relationship and decide whether the hardship is outweighed by the benefits of the relationship at the end. Eg. I read something by a mono in a poly relationship where he said that he would have never agreed to go through the hardship if he didn't have some assurance that they would have a primary style relationship, at least in terms of things like kids and a house. Going through all the pain wouldn't have been worth it if she were to go on to do that with someone else. Largely because that would mean him sacrificing that desire. Plus, if you do weigh up the pros and cons objectively, and find that it is more beneficial than not that "list" is something you can refer to when shit gets tough.
London, a lot of what you put when you flesh out your answers is actually pretty reasonable. But bulking it together in such a way makes it pretty difficult to read it cohesively. I suggest breaking down your posts so that you think "this paragraph I'm going to talk about x, next paragraph I talk about y". Also drop the negativity, it makes people really keen not to read anything you write.

Your first post was very negative!!

Quote:
I think you should really think about whether the benefits of this relationship outweigh the inevitable hardship you'll experience.
She's here isn't she? She's trying to research it as much as possible so she can feel supported with this, she feels secure and comfortable with him, she wants a life with him - give her some credit for recognising she's insecure and wants to work on it and don't resort to suggesting she walks away.
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  #13  
Old 11-09-2013, 11:16 PM
london london is offline
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What you call negatively, I call being realistic.

The paragraph you quoted contains "one idea".

I don't believe that healthy relationships are hard work nor should they require hardship but I do acknowledge the urge to want to "work hard" and experience hardship to make a nearly healthy relationship, healthy. I just advise that you think carefully about whether the.end result will be worth it, as I've said a few times.

I'm not a believer in settling, or love overcoming all. I don't think its healthy to sacrifice your needs, desires and values in order to make yourself compatible with someone. And those beliefs are what influences my opinions.
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  #14  
Old 11-09-2013, 11:43 PM
LondonGuy LondonGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
What you call negatively, I call being realistic.

The paragraph you quoted contains "one idea".
If you say so...

Quote:
I don't believe that healthy relationships are hard work nor should they require hardship but I do acknowledge the urge to want to "work hard" and experience hardship to make a nearly healthy relationship, healthy. I just advise that you think carefully about whether the.end result will be worth it, as I've said a few times.

I'm not a believer in settling, or love overcoming all. I don't think its healthy to sacrifice your needs, desires and values in order to make yourself compatible with someone. And those beliefs are what influences my opinions.
That's all reasonable. But her problems here are based around insecurities. She'll need to figure out ways of addressing those regardless of whether she's identifying as mono/poly and regardless of what her boyfriend (or for that matter any other hypothetical boyfriend that you feel she would be better suited to) gets up to.

If undealt with, insecurities can rip you to shreds however you identify or whoever you date, trust me on this. I've only just started identifying as poly but my ex was a very insecure person... those insecurities wouldn't have been different if she was with someone else, she had those insecurities with her ex before me as well as when she was single.
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  #15  
Old 11-10-2013, 06:15 AM
london london is offline
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The only time he does not talk to me is when he is with his other girl. His focus is on her, I imagine. So I fear I will lose more of his time when he gets yet another girl. Or if he meets another....and another. I do know a few people in six committed relationships at once and cannot even fathom it. I fear I'll eventually fall to the wayside since I view myself as least interesting of the girls he has been with that I know.
This isn't necessarily insecurity. The time factor is a very real part of polyamory and one of the many reasons why people choose not to have non monogamous relationships. I know you said something in your thread about never letting a new relationship affect your old one, but in reality, resources like time are finite and every new relationship you start will take some time and attention away from your other partner(s).
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  #16  
Old 11-10-2013, 06:52 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Wow, bdsm and poly all wrapped up in a first real relationship. Sounds like a tall order. It took me years to go through all those phases / experiences in my relationships, so be patient with yourself and don't expect to have all the answers. Cut yourself some slack!

It sounds like your partner is loving, patient, and understanding. Let him guide you through this. He knows you much better than any of us strangers on the internet, and it sounds like he truly has your best interests at heart. One of the most important ingredients in love and intimacy is vulnerability. Yes, it's scary and difficult, but the payout is worth the risk.

Don't forget that these other women in your / his life may also be a valuable resource. Chances are they've been through some of these challenges themselves.

If you've made it this far together, then he knows and accepts that you're an introvert, a wallflower. Try not to worry about what people in the wider social circle will think of you and how you'll fit in. You'll find your place at your own pace. In my 31 years of being an introvert, I have nevern once been criticized for being too quiet. I have, on the other hand, heard (and made) plenty of complaints about people who don't know when to STFU. So you're in good company.

Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, really highlighted the value of being a good listener. Letting people talk about what they love is the best way to convince people that you're an excellent conversationalist. Trust me, they won't even notice how quiet you are, they'll just think of you as someone who shares their interests and is good at listening. I recommend reading that book, it has timeless insight on how people tick.
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  #17  
Old 11-10-2013, 07:44 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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A simple thought:

The best things we find, often require slow, methodical work to get to them or create them.
So don't be down on yourself if it takes you time to learn how to manage them.
As Scroeding said-it's a tall order to take on all of those things at one time. It's not impossible.
But don't RUSH yourself.
Take things a step at a time.
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  #18  
Old 11-15-2013, 08:35 PM
strawberryrose strawberryrose is offline
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You are so sweet, @Schrodinger'sCat and @Loving radiance.

I will continue to be more patient, I know its a lot of different things happening at once. As much as I would like to immediately be ok with everything.

Thank you, everyone posting on here, for boosting my confidence a bit.
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