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  #161  
Old 11-08-2013, 12:55 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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I'm in a DADT situation. It's not my ideal, but it is what my husband feels most comfortable with. I'm the one who feels the need for relationships outside our marriage, he doesn't. I dislike how it attempts to limit my ability to be emotionally attached to someone else, and to treat them like a part of my life. My husband works a lot, and doesn't come home until late, so I have plenty of time to give to someone, and hubby is good about not ever seeking evidence or even asking me where I've been (I don't stay out all night.) It is also understood that if someone comes along that I feel real emotions for, I will want to change the gameplan.

I agree with the statement that this will work well until it doesn't. It definitely isn't how I want things to stay, but we only opened the marriage a year ago, and I am looking at this as growing pains, not our ultimate destination.
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  #162  
Old 11-09-2013, 01:01 PM
strudel strudel is offline
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Wow, much more to DADT than I thought. Dirty secret definitely doesn't apply to H or E. I need to rethink how I've been describing it.

I guess I'd say that what I've been calling our DADT relationship centers on privacy, not secrecy. J knows that when I "have plans" it's with one of them, but there are no questions or recaps of the evening.

Given that all of us have children (not together), combining our families by living together has been mutually determined not to be an option. I guess E, H and I enjoy our relationships without feeling a need to take it further than it is.

So then, I guess I don't know what we are? I thought DADT described it pretty accurately!
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  #163  
Old 11-09-2013, 02:11 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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No that is not a dadt relationship. You just respect the privacy of your partners.

I have a similar situation. Butch knows where I am and vice versa but as for details that is kept private.
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  #164  
Old 11-09-2013, 04:56 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I kind of had a dont ask dont tell thing. I wasnt allowed to do a number of things in my past marriage, i did them anyway, I wasnt trying to hard at hiding anything. for instance I was not allowed to go to bars, or drink out of the house. But I would frequently come home smelling like an ashtray (from all the smokers in the bars) I wasnt allowed to smoke. I did anyway and he never asked about it. I wasnt allowed to have a girlfriend of my own but I went out with my girlfriend all the time, often staying out until 4 am at her house and he never questioned it.
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  #165  
Old 11-09-2013, 04:58 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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J does not want to know anything about N's other partners or when he has sex with someone new or sees someone new. so they really do have a DATD because they both discussed this and this was her choice.
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  #166  
Old 11-09-2013, 05:42 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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[QUOTE=Dagferi;245830]No that is not a dadt relationship. You just respect the privacy of your partners./QUOTE]

Exactly. There's a world of difference in, "I don't want to know the details of what your partner is like in bed," and "Ummm, so I can go out with you, but I can't stay out long and if she calls, be quiet, okay? I told her I was going to Costco."

The first is respectful of a partner's needs; the second is very disrespectful of mine.
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  #167  
Old 11-09-2013, 09:35 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
I kind of had a dont ask dont tell thing. I wasnt allowed to do a number of things in my past marriage, i did them anyway, I wasnt trying to hard at hiding anything. for instance I was not allowed to go to bars, or drink out of the house. But I would frequently come home smelling like an ashtray (from all the smokers in the bars) I wasnt allowed to smoke. I did anyway and he never asked about it. I wasnt allowed to have a girlfriend of my own but I went out with my girlfriend all the time, often staying out until 4 am at her house and he never questioned it.
That must have been very difficult. When you say you weren't "allowed" it makes me think of an abusive or at least controlling and manipulative situation. Would you agree with that assessment? Or were these more like requests made by your spouse, and you agreed (albeit reluctantly) to abide by these "rules?"

Like, Gralson has expressed a very strong preference for me to not acquire a snake. Being as we share the house, it's not like he's just limiting my behaviour or putting rules on me as a person. It's his house too, and he has the right to live in a house without snakes if that's his preference. Between the options of "live without a snake" or "live without my husband," I agree to no snake.

I tried to think of a more "person-behaviour" type example, but we really don't swing that way. We respect one another's autonomy, at least in so far as it doesn't affect the other. e.g. if his spending starts to get out of control, I speak up, because it affects my own financial security too.
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  #168  
Old 11-11-2013, 12:42 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Yep. He was abusive and controlling. Like one time I decided I wanted some cigs and I bought a pack, he took them and crumbled them up. He truly treated me like property. idk why I stayed so long. I watched my mom get beat up my whole childhood, so I guess I didn't really see his behavior as abusive at the time. I had to beg for a Monroe piercing and forget about getting more tattoos.
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