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  #21  
Old 11-09-2013, 01:29 AM
geminigirl69 geminigirl69 is offline
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Southerngal,

What happened in your situation?
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  #22  
Old 11-09-2013, 02:23 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Luv2HaveMore View Post
Wow, such a warm reception for a newbie looking for advice, and answers for questions..... No one is perfect, and everyone here has made mistakes in their past. If this is what this message board is all about(tearing down people who are looking for answeres) then you all should be ashamed of yourselves, and are a very poor representative of a beautiful culture, that is looking for legitimacy daily..... If you don't have anything informative to add, or something constructive to help out someone looking for answers, then refrain from the conversation, and keep your narrow-minded views to yourself.
Firstly, you're not the forum police so keep the posting instructions to yourself. Secondly, just because it isn't framed in the hand-holding manner you want doesn't mean it's not good advice. Thirdly, if you're concerned about projecting legitimacy, then leaning heavily on the "ethical" part of ethical non-monogamy is important. Cheating is not, by any definition I'm familiar with, ethical.

If someone were to join a aircraft enthusiast forum and talk about how they were applying for a job with Qantas as a senior pilot even though they didn't have a pilot's licence and it was all going to work out because they'd watched Snakes on a Plane and could ride a scooter, then it wouldn't be unreasonable for the other members to advise them to adjust their expectations. It's the same here. The OP has an expectation that she'll be welcomed into a triad relationship by someone who has every reason to hate the very air she breathes. It's not unreasonable for members here to point out the flaws in her thinking. Giving her the "there, there, it'll all work out" treatment you seem to want to see would be doing her a disservice.
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  #23  
Old 11-09-2013, 02:41 AM
Luv2HaveMore Luv2HaveMore is offline
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Forum police? LOL! Your analogy is absolutely pointless and entirely off base. This forum is a waste of time for anyone seeking helpful, information help about Polyamory.... Don't get upset at me for pointing it out. No need to Ban me, I have no intention of associating with such a closed minded group of posers, who have delusions of being "Open minded"...... I will go enjoy true freedoms, and groups that truly understand love, and compassion for their fellow man.
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  #24  
Old 11-09-2013, 02:50 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
If someone were to join a aircraft enthusiast forum and talk about how they were applying for a job with Qantas as a senior pilot even though they didn't have a pilot's licence and it was all going to work out because they'd watched Snakes on a Plane and could ride a scooter, then it wouldn't be unreasonable for the other members to advise them to adjust their expectations.
Brilliant
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  #25  
Old 11-09-2013, 04:22 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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I'm mono. My partner is poly. I went into my relationship with both eyes open, knowing that he was in another relationship that was pretty new as well. We started off without any dishonesty, without any cheating, and it was STILL more difficult, emotionally, than I expected.

Quote:
Originally Posted by geminigirl69 View Post
I love him and he loves her and I both so what better way to enjoy life than to all be together. Isn't that the idea? Just looking for helpful ways to go about it.
It's your idea. It may be his idea. But it's most definitely not hers, since she's going to be blindsided by it

Even though I'm in a poly relationship, I do not want to be together with everyone 24/7. I love my partner, not his OSO. We're friends, but we don't "click" as close friends, despite her desire to have that level of closeness. I had to ask her to stop with the pressure to have our relationship be something it's not.

Please try to step out of your own shoes and think about how she's going to feel, not how you can coerce her into feeling differently. Damage will be done, and that will have to be healed before you can ever try to get her to consider something new.

What's in this for her? A "relationship" with someone she doesn't know, who's been seeing her BF behind her back, and therefore, is probably going to be seen as completely untrustworthy? Less of her BF as his time is divided between the two of you, just as she needs to rebuild her trust in him and work at keeping that relationship alive (if she even wants to)?

Feel free to shut me out as being harsh, but you're in for a shitstorm. Good luck to all of you.
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  #26  
Old 11-09-2013, 05:53 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Luv2HaveMore View Post
Forum police? LOL! Your analogy is absolutely pointless and entirely off base. This forum is a waste of time for anyone seeking helpful, information help about Polyamory.... Don't get upset at me for pointing it out. No need to Ban me, I have no intention of associating with such a closed minded group of posers, who have delusions of being "Open minded"...... I will go enjoy true freedoms, and groups that truly understand love, and compassion for their fellow man.
And your real life experience with Polyamory is what?

You have made no post introducing yourself. Yet you are more than happy to come in pointing fingers and throwing out accusations.

Those of us replying to this thread have out have had successful poly relationships of various configurations.

The shenanigans like the OP has been partaking in is the reason the average Joe believes poly is just a fancy name for cheating. People who live non ethically are the ones who give those of us who do go about our relationships the right way a bad name.
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  #27  
Old 11-09-2013, 06:09 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Luv2HaveMore View Post
Forum police? LOL! Your analogy is absolutely pointless and entirely off base. This forum is a waste of time for anyone seeking helpful, information help about Polyamory.... Don't get upset at me for pointing it out. No need to Ban me, I have no intention of associating with such a closed minded group of posers, who have delusions of being "Open minded"...... I will go enjoy true freedoms, and groups that truly understand love, and compassion for their fellow man.
There is no helpful information about poly? Are you kidding? This is a public forum, and this is one of how many thousands of threads? Come off it. Not everyone is going to hand out sugar coated advice. In real life, not everyone pats our hand and tells us, "There, there dearie. It will all work out in the end and be peachy keen."

The OP came here, and these people gave advice and insight on how THEY would handle the situation. No one was disrespectful to the OP, and if she felt that anyone was, she can report them to the mods. As you can see, they are all around this board and actively participating. You are speaking on her behalf like she is unable to do so. I am not sure of her age, but she is a grown woman. You act like you are personally involved because you are getting titty hurt.

You were here for a hot second, and you did nothing but judge everyone who commented on this post. In the same breath, you turn around and call people close minded, hypocritical, and posers. The insult hurling thing you are doing is damn sure not helping the OP's predicament. I have not seen a bit of advice from you to her. Yet, you want to dismiss our advice because it does not meet your standards or approval. I hope you find a forum that is better suited to your particular needs. I wish you well.

Next.

OP, they have given sound and realistic advice that is reasonable and blunt. Sometimes tough love is what is needed. What you are describing will be difficult if it is attainable, and there is no easy way to do it. I hope you find peace within the situation and learn from this. I also hope her boyfriend tells her the truth and soon. She deserves that. Best of luck.
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  #28  
Old 11-09-2013, 06:12 AM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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She knew about me and took advantage of that. She never felt like she'd done anything wrong. He was very remorseful and apologetic. Over time, I forgave him & we agreed to a poly lifestyle, but she had to go. She never apologized or showed remorse and started getting angry at me, so that relationship had to end. Hope that your guy's woman is open-minded, but make sure you acknowledge the pain you helped cause her & apologize sincerely if you really want this to work. It can happen, but be prepared to work hard for it. If she's not open about it, it may fail anyway. Good luck.
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  #29  
Old 11-09-2013, 07:21 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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If it were me, I would direct the guy's girlfriend to this website if she is somebody who finds on-line support helpful. I found it incredibly helpful in assisting me to gain some understanding of poly when I met my SO and he told me that he had had several poly relationships and feels very positively toward that style of relationship.

After reading here lots, talking to friends who have been poly and going to some talks on the subject, I came to the conclusion that while I see the benefits to some and understand how wonderful it can be, it isn't right for me or for the relationship I'm in just now.

Things might change in time but for now my SO and I are monogamous with each other. With the understanding that if he at any time needs to be in a poly relationship again, we can shift to being friends so that both of us are able to seek whatever relationships we believe will help us be more happy.

I found this site invaluable in helping me resolve my thoughts and feelings on the matter. It's hard when faced with somebody talking about how wonderful poly is to be able to say no to it without feeling as though you are being controlling and close minded. This site is a valuable source of wisdom and experience about why poly may not be wonderful for all people at every time in their life. It helped me lots.

If the guy's girlfriend doesn't find internet support useful I'd suggest making it clear to her that she should talk to her friends and family about what's going on. Finding out that the guy she lives with and loves has been lying to her about a significant part of his life for 18 months is going to be a blow to her. She will need love and support and may well not want to seek those things from people who have been lying to her for so long.

For yourself, I'd also suggest caution. It is not at all uncommon for people who are willing and able to lie to those closest to them about major things in their lives to do it to everybody in their lives. Be aware that you don't have the full picture. You only have the word of a person who is willing to lie to get what they want.

You wouldn't be the first person to start a relationship while cheating only to find that the person who was willing to cheat on their existing partner with you is equally as willing to cheat on you with somebody else.

Poly is no safeguard against cheating. Have a read of these boards. It isn't unheard of for people who have a habit of lying to and cheating on partners to continue doing so even when they are free to have multiple relationships.

Good luck to all of you.

IP
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  #30  
Old 11-09-2013, 08:32 AM
london london is offline
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Whilst I think that cheating isn't polyamory and transitioning from cheating to poly never works for anyone because the betrayal and mistrust leaves scars that will never heal in a way that gives newcomers a fair chance at developing a relationship, we do have people on the site who used to be cheating and now they are poly because everything is now above.board. Perhaps looking through their posts will be helpful.
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