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  #11  
Old 11-08-2013, 09:24 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is online now
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Be prepared for a massive shit storm! She may very well be able to deal with the whole concept of poly, but NOT the fact that her bf has been cheating on her for nearly 2 years. Getting over being cheated on take YEARS! No, it's not impossible, but it is extremely difficult and requires massive amounts of effort on every ones part and groveling by the cheaters. Take a look through LovingRadiance's early posts and her blog. Don't let yourself think that this can be fixed with a bit of yelling/screaming and a few days of tears, it won't. The hurt, anger and feelings of betrayal will keep circling over and over again.
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  #12  
Old 11-08-2013, 09:33 PM
Luv2HaveMore Luv2HaveMore is offline
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Wow, such a warm reception for a newbie looking for advice, and answers for questions..... No one is perfect, and everyone here has made mistakes in their past. If this is what this message board is all about(tearing down people who are looking for answeres) then you all should be ashamed of yourselves, and are a very poor representative of a beautiful culture, that is looking for legitimacy daily..... If you don't have anything informative to add, or something constructive to help out someone looking for answers, then refrain from the conversation, and keep your narrow-minded views to yourself.
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  #13  
Old 11-08-2013, 09:54 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Just being honest

Look, I know it would be nice if everyone had sweet words to say, Everything will be alright, etc.

Truth is, poly is tough. In my experience, it rarely works out. Takes a lot of self awareness, maturity, PLUS just the mindset to want it. Even the most mature, responsible individual may not be able to handle poly.

But when you start off cheating, it DOES make things harder, and I think everyone just wants her aware of what a tough spot she's in. She's making it seem like she and he are the ones inviting the other woman in-- when in fact, she has forced herself in and may well be rejected.

She is probably best off not saying anything, backing off, and remaining friends with both of them. Otherwise, she could well be cut out of his life altogether.

It's a risk.
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  #14  
Old 11-08-2013, 10:04 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Luv2HaveMore, are you the boyfriend in question?

I hope this situation turns out well for all involved. I know the OP means well. But given what I read here and elsewhere, this is unlikely. Yeah, that's hard to hear. Facing reality is merely a first step. I'm not seeing a lot of reality facing here but wishful thinking and denial.

Starting out as people who cheated - especially for almost 2 years! - is never a good beginning. It is true, people do manage to make poly relationships work for them after cheating or breaking trust in some way. But it is really, really hard. It requires so much pain, and work, and dedication and willingness to listen and to really change that for most, it is not possible. The link to LovingRadiance's blog points to an exception - and you can read about the very hard times they endured.

Other posts have pointed out some questions and concerns that will come up. Take a look around the forum. Search for older threads. This situation comes up a lot here and the advice doesn't vary much.
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  #15  
Old 11-08-2013, 10:31 PM
Luv2HaveMore Luv2HaveMore is offline
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opalescent,

I appreciate what you are saying, I just don't think this person needs to be kicked in the teeth right out of the gate, when she is dealing with something very dear to her heart it seems, and genuinely looking for advice on how to be as successful as possible accomplishing a goal. I want to use the moderators quote..... "those who say it cannot be done, need to get out of the way of those who are doing it"
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  #16  
Old 11-08-2013, 10:45 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Luv2HaveMore View Post
I appreciate what you are saying, I just don't think this person needs to be kicked in the teeth right out of the gate
While I don't think anyone here has, uh, yeah, I think that is EXACTLY what she needs. A harsh reality check that says, Wake up!

Because otherwise, her wishful thinking might just take over and she'll think it's just a normal, "challenging" situation. It's not challenging; it's impossible.

Can impossible problems be solved? Sure. Sometimes. But the likelihood isn't promising.....unfortunately....
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  #17  
Old 11-08-2013, 11:38 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I realize it is easy to believe your bf's SO could conceivably embrace poly. But there are some huge differences between your situation and hers. First, you know about her, and probably know some things about her. She probably doesn't feel like a total stranger to you, despite the fact that you are not friends. You are are okay with the fact that he has another lover. Not only does she not know about the relationship between you two, she is not privy to the same kind of small talk about you that you are about her. She is going to feel like her bf has been leading a dual life - a life not only that she doesn't know about, but has been excluded from. The deception is going to feel like rejection. It is going to hurt like a mother. And she is going to feel very disrespected. Rightfully so.

At that juncture, she may choose to leave, relationship over. You two may not have the chance to introduce the concept of poly. Equally as likely, she will give him an ultimatum. Who will he choose?

IF she stays, and IF she doesn't make him choose (highly unlikely that one of those two scenarios won't come to pass), THEN you can worry about introducing the concept of poly.

I am sorry. You two grossly disrespected this woman. While I understand that you didn't start out to hurt her, you have. I won't say that it's impossible to achieve what you want, I will say it is unlikely.
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  #18  
Old 11-08-2013, 11:41 PM
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This isn't someone who has been seeing someones boyfriend for a month or two. She has been doing this 18 MONTHS. She is probably going to ruin a 7 year relationship.

So yeah she needs a "kick in the teeth." Or as I prefer to call it a reality check.
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  #19  
Old 11-09-2013, 12:11 AM
Luv2HaveMore Luv2HaveMore is offline
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Gemini69,

I cannot wait for you to come back and put these nay saying hypocritical individuals in there place! I believe in the positivity of life and the pursuit of happiness. Weather mainstream society agrees or does not... I personally am rooting for you, and believe if there is a will there is a way. Many people would love to judge everyone on this forum as being immoral and going against the "Devine plan" The only advice I would give to you, is to live the life(lifestyle) you choose. Don't get caught up on other people telling how to live, or what they feel is right or wrong about your life. Everyone struggles from time to time. Those that cast the first stone had better be able to walk on water...... Best, and I honestly mean, best wishes to you. Please let me know your success story when it happens. Hopefully you will come across people in the community who are actually looking to help and make a difference in people's lives, instead of play God.
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  #20  
Old 11-09-2013, 01:22 AM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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Speaking from the position of having been the other woman on this side of the equation, don't get your hopes up. When she finds out, she'll be hurt, angry, and feel betrayed and will likely focus that wrath at least in part on you. She may forgive him, but she has every reason not to forgive you. It's worth a shot, but let him take the lead, be prepared to do someserious groveling, and don't ignore the possibility that it won't work out the way you want.
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