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Old 11-07-2013, 12:09 PM
Neurodiverse Neurodiverse is offline
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Location: Melbourne, Australia
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Default The third way?

Hi there,
I thought I should introduce myself as a "newbie'.
I have just come out of a 25 year relationship with the mother of my 2 teenage children, and find myself on a very friendly basis with my housemate.
She is a lovely woman, and very courageous, having suffered many traumas in her life.

While we are "friends with benefits" she is wary of committing to another monogamous relationship.

The truth is-- so am I, but like my "housemate" am far from ready to give in to a life of celibacy when I love touch so much.

I have had doubts about the way we, as a society, do business for many years. Traditional relationships are isolating, and create enormous pressures on parents. Children have few positive role models who are genuinely safe to be around.

I really love my housemate very much, and see her as one of the most admirable people i have met.

She says she wants independence and freedom, and my gut feeling is that the best way to maintain a positive relationship between us is by accepting that and embracing that way of living-- to create space for her.

Despite all this superficially "racey" behaviour, I place a high value on ethical behaviour. I am a serious practicing Buddhist- but like many of my generation, I am starting to grasp that the strictures around sexual behaviour in Buddhism really amount to "not causing harm to another through my sexual conduct".

ie not transmitting STDS, not deceiving anyone, and not holding myself out to be ready for a committed solo relationship when I am not.

That end of things is easy enough-- but there is always the issue of whether my partner/co-respondent is able to grasp and handle this.

So - I am interested to hear how any of you handle this.

The really odd thing is that at age 51 my sex drive is higher than ever.
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  #2  
Old 11-07-2013, 12:50 PM
Neurodiverse Neurodiverse is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 8
Default Fidelity?

So, I guess there are some interesting questions here.
I have shared house now for 18 months- that arrangement is working really well. I know I can trust my partner not to disappear into the wild blue yonder and leave me with a lease and a (too large) and empty apartment.
MsJ claims to have a "herem"but none of them seem game.

I have had one short term, but very enjoyable relationship with another woman who is now a facebook friend of my housemate (basic rules of "Polyfidelity"- we are all part of the relationship).
MsJ is on the brink of a new relationship, and he has been warned of the situation he is getting into. How to do this all in a way that is good for all of us?
That is a challenge.
It remains tricky to be sure that unspoken wishes and expectations do not derail the whole process.

I guess there are intersecting issues in this kind of situation- a stable base for our children, a stable home for ourselves and those we co-habit with, and enough freedom for all, without risk of insecurity. It needs honesty- but maybe that is a good thing.
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  #3  
Old 11-07-2013, 01:50 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519
Default Nice

First off, of course I'm not going to tell you not to post, but it doesn't seem much like you need our help You honestly seem to have a very clear head about all of this. Just indicated from what you've said so far. .... such as understanding that polyfidelity can be where everyone has degrees of interaction, but doesn't necessarily mean everyone has to have the SAME relationship, nor has to be intimate. Like the way you talked about your children, again aware, wanting stable foundation, but but letting that stop you from moving forward with relationships your kids probably don't care about. You and your housemate seem to be on good terms. You're meeting people, are aware it'll be tricky, but don't seem overly concerned. Just take things as they come, but stay cautious

Dunno, maybe it's an age thing? Don't want to seem ageist, but I do think having experience with relationships helps when moving over into poly lifestyle. ....

So best of luck! It'll get harder
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Old 11-08-2013, 12:40 PM
Neurodiverse Neurodiverse is offline
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
First off, of course I'm not going to tell you not to post, but it doesn't seem much like you need our help You honestly seem to have a very clear head about all of this. Just indicated from what you've said so far. .... such as understanding that polyfidelity can be where everyone has degrees of interaction, but doesn't necessarily mean everyone has to have the SAME relationship, nor has to be intimate. Like the way you talked about your children, again aware, wanting stable foundation, but but letting that stop you from moving forward with relationships your kids probably don't care about. You and your housemate seem to be on good terms. You're meeting people, are aware it'll be tricky, but don't seem overly concerned. Just take things as they come, but stay cautious

Dunno, maybe it's an age thing? Don't want to seem ageist, but I do think having experience with relationships helps when moving over into poly lifestyle. ....

So best of luck! It'll get harder
Thanks,
It is still not especially easy to make it work well. Too many of us have hidden agendas.
How do we have fun and explore our boundaries, but be kind?
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  #5  
Old 11-08-2013, 02:54 PM
london london is offline
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Location: UK - land of the free
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Focus on maintaining multiple relationships rather than obtaining them.
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  #6  
Old 11-08-2013, 04:03 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
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Focus on the relationships you have not the ones you don't.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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