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  #21  
Old 11-08-2013, 10:22 AM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
I do think people who demand that metamours spend time with them and make petty, unreasonable and often emotionally manipulative "rules" around how and when their partner interacts with other people are insecure and controlling.
So do I. But what does that have to do with family style poly?
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  #22  
Old 11-08-2013, 10:26 AM
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Because in a family style of poly, the expectation is that you spend time as a "family", ie altogether.
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  #23  
Old 11-08-2013, 10:37 AM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Because in a family style of poly, the expectation is that you spend time as a "family", ie altogether.
But what does that have to do with insecurity and control issues?

i.e. What's manipulative and controlling about three people mutually choosing to spend time together?
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Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 11-08-2013 at 10:40 AM.
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  #24  
Old 11-08-2013, 10:55 AM
london london is offline
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Ok, people who need (oppose to prefer) a family style of polyamory expect all members of that network to spend time together. A sizeable amount of people who require a family style of poly where everyone spends time together need it because it allows them to have some form of control over their partner's relationships, lets them screen metamours, all the stuff I said before. I've said how I feel about this already. It's a red flag for me, and yes, kind of personal because it something I come across often as a straight women who prefers a hub style. I guess in a similar way that bi women are hypersensitive to unicorn hunters.
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  #25  
Old 11-08-2013, 11:02 AM
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I am not sure where we fall in this argument.

Most of the time my relationships run parallel to each other but there are times due to the deepness of my relationships they cross paths. For example Murf is in my boys lives. He has become very important to them, so they want him at important events along side Butch and I. Also holidays and sometimes for us to see each other he has to come spend time at my home with Butch due to life events and scheduling issues.
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Last edited by Dagferi; 11-08-2013 at 11:09 AM. Reason: autocorrect and lack of sleep
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  #26  
Old 11-08-2013, 11:05 AM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I am not sure where we fall I'm this argument.

Most of the time my relationships run parallel to each other but there are tinges due to the deepness of my relationships they cross paths. For example Murf is in my boys lives. He has become very important to them, so they want him at important events along side Butch and I. Also holidays and sometimes for us to see each other he has to come spend time at my home with Butch due to life events and scheduling issues.
Just sounds like you've organically evolved into what works for you.
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  #27  
Old 11-08-2013, 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Ok, people who need (oppose to prefer) a family style of polyamory expect all members of that network to spend time together. A sizeable amount of people who require a family style of poly where everyone spends time together need it because it allows them to have some form of control over their partner's relationships, lets them screen metamours, all the stuff I said before. I've said how I feel about this already. It's a red flag for me, and yes, kind of personal because it something I come across often as a straight women who prefers a hub style. I guess in a similar way that bi women are hypersensitive to unicorn hunters.
All right, I can accept that. You've finally whittled it down to where it's not a sweeping generalization about all people who prefer family style polyamory. Thank you.

I still don't see how that answers the OP's question about being judged as a hub-style polyamorist, but at least it helps to explain your triggered response.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #28  
Old 11-08-2013, 11:17 AM
london london is offline
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Ok, that bit comes in when you're discussing with one of the red flag family style people I'm talking about. When you discuss why you're a fan of a hub style, especially in relation to trust, they become very defensive and will often call you naive or something because you don't feel it necessary to supervise your parners relationships in the way that they do. It's a trigger spot for them. Similarly to someone who absolutely forbids any contact with metamours. As soon as someone ponders whether insecurity/low self esteem etc is a factor in their quite extreme repulsion of any sort of interaction with metamours, they get nasty.
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  #29  
Old 11-08-2013, 10:13 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Nope, you specifically said it about "people who practice that form of poly." The OP referred to "family type" poly, and you did not specify the sub-group of them who make rules governing their partners' behaviour. Indeed, you routinely make that generalization about the entire group of family-oriented polyfolk. You have spoken publicly with enough people from that group to dispel the "family poly preference = control issues" myth that you seem to harbor, and yet you apparently refuse to acknowledge it as a valid form of polyamory.

Not like there aren't hub-style poly folk who make just as many control-based rules. Some people impose limits on how close their partners are allowed to become with other partners, or how often they're allowed to see them. I find that happens much less frequently with family-type poly, because everyone is comfortable hanging out together and sharing time.

Control issues are about individual personalities. There is no correlation between style of polyamory, or for that matter poly vs mono, and control issues. People from all walks of life are just as likely to have control issues, be insecure, and put limitations on the behaviours of other people in their life. It has absolutely nothing to do with the pleasure some derive from being friends with their partners' partners.

I have never once seen you acknowledge that family-type polyamory is just as valid as hub-type polyamory, or even that there exist family-type polyamorists who are not insecure control freaks. I implore you to prove me wrong. Just once, admit that forms of poly other than your own are equally valid. I dare you.
Thank you.
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  #30  
Old 11-09-2013, 07:34 AM
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I dont understand why you are thanking someone for a post directed at me. Especially one that the person. partially rescinded once I clarified my opinion. My opinion will alter when I come across more people in a family style of poly who do not try and control their partner's relationship, demand to be asked permission to date someone they like, have sex with them etc. Can you give me any examples of people who don't play that way, LR? People in family style poly situations where the members are allowed to develop relationships at their own pace without the most vocal and manipulative member of the network constantly throwing a spanned in the works just to remind everyone that they run the show? Do point them out.
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