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Old 11-07-2013, 01:31 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I wonder if some kind of "email friendship" wouldn't work better for you than an "in-person friendship." That way you could truly keep her at a distance, while still conversing with her and being friendly toward her.
I can handle that. All the face to face interaction, lunch dates, buddy-buddy stuff...no, I am great on that. E-mails and social media (Twitter, Instagram, etc.) are fine.

I also wonder if during her first eight years with you, she wasn't perhaps really sincere about the poly dynamic, and maybe it was only from 2008 on that she started to develop her cowgirl mindset.
She was sincere about our poly dynamic up until late 2007. She dropped all of her partners at the tail end 2006. She wanted to close. I encouraged her to even seek a primary when she did that because I knew those were not shoes I could fill or even wanted to. Her transition to my co-primary did not happen until after I was pregnant in 2008. Up until that point, nothing changed. We kept doing what had been working for years. Instead of seeking someone else, all of her attention honed in on me.

I told her around September of 2007 that I was going to have my implant removed at the start of 2008 in the hopes of conceiving. (I conceived in March.) Shortly after I informed her that we would be expanding our family, she implemented her plan. He always thought her timing was suspicious. (Someone going from never wanting children and always maintaining that having a relationship with our future children was out to wanting to be part of appointments, my pregnancy, and wanting to be considered a co-parent. He questioned her back then.) I had babies on the brain, and my maternal desires took over rational thoughts. The transition process took the back burner because the pending arrival of my first child was more important than forcefully integrating her into my daily life.

I found out all of this during the last face to face interaction. Covered that interaction Here. She admitted that was when the thoughts started and when she started working towards the goal of getting rid of Matt. She explained it in great detail. It was a multiple step and year process, and she was committed to it. It was hard to listen to it.

So no, originally the cowgirl tendencies were not part of it. She had other romantic interests; mostly tertiary. She did have a primary at the start of our relationship. They gradually tapered off in 2000, and I became friends with her. All of her attention was not focused on me, our marriage, and our newly established family unit. Jealousy and envy ate her alive. She wanted what he/we had, and if meant bumping him out of the picture, so be it.

In any case, your best move is to agree to the kind of friendship that *you'd* feel good about, that your *conscience* would feel good about. Forgiveness is great and friendship is fine, as long as it doesn't involve anyone getting sucked into anyone else's whirlpool. Don't befriend her out of a sense of guilt ("I caused her to become this desperate, clinging person"); instead, do it if and only if you *want* to, and feel sure no harm could come of it.
Strictly platonic and not in person is what would work for me. I am trying to remember that under all shitty judgement was a decent person. The person I originally loved and enjoyed having in my life.

Everyone played a role in what went wrong post-2008. That's now all part of the past, fixed points in the timeline of history that can't be altered. Yes, the here and now is the *only* place where choices can be made, so choose something that will serve the here and now well.
It took a lot to forgive her. He has yet to forgive her, and I am not sure he ever will. It is not weighing his soul down, and he has moved on. I had to dig deep and remember that under all that rotten behaviour, there was some good in there. I have to figure out what it is that she could bring in to my life that I do not already have. If I pursue it from that angle, nothing but slight familiarity.

I know that's awfully generalized prose, but it's meant to respect your freedom and judgment in making the choices that affect your life. I'm just an observer (albeit a friendly one).
Tis very much appreciated. As always.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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