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  #161  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:31 PM
london london is offline
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No one gets frustrated dealing with the same issues over and over again from mono partners dealing with jealousy for their poly partners, or people trying to move from cheating to polyamory.
You obviously don't read my posts
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  #162  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:35 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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What about the wives and husbands who suffer the fallout of a triad gone bad?

I also have an issue with people with a POP clause to their poly life.
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  #163  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
What about the wives and husbands who suffer the fallout of a triad gone bad?
Of course, I tend to write from the single woman's view because that is what I am but I do acknowledge that sometimes things can go bad for a member of the married couple also. Wasn't there a bloke here the other day whose wife moved in their partner without telling him and he feels totally pushed out of the way?

Then there are the women whose husbands ran off with the Unicorn. It's not only the single woman who gets hurt.

The point is, rarely is everything equal, it is just not very sustainable.
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  #164  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:42 PM
london london is offline
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If I was a cowgirl, I'd target unicorn hunters.
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  #165  
Old 11-06-2013, 08:14 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I have no problem with triads/quads/etc. Find them to be the most stable relationship structure, even more so than monogamy (I know four is supposed to be the "most" stable number, at least in numerology, not sure where it comes from, really). So a quad would be the most stable? Maybe? Not important.
You are in a triad and find it to be stable? I was in a mono marriage for over 30 years. We were pretty damn "stable." Supported by society, by the goverment, our families. I'd say mono relationships are the most "stable" in our culture because they are the norm.
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I do think that so many couples do group relationships very poorly, which makes it all the more frustrating for those of us who very much consider the needs of all involved.
I am glad you are considering the needs of all. Generally people are more self centered.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

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  #166  
Old 11-06-2013, 08:17 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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london - ha!

Speaking from within a not-yet-triad situation, I can say (based on an earlier comment by london, I think, plus something Natja said) that one of the NICER things, for me, is that I'm not the sexual centerpiece. That whole porn MFM thing? Yeah, not so much.

When reading around, my wife gets irritated by the suggestion that she "became" bi to please me. Yuck - the concept is awful. It doesn't describe her and her "mostly straight" ways. She doesn't see herself as bi or poly, not at all. She has a girlfriend, but even the word "girlfriend" bugs her. AM is part of her life, they make love, are best friends, don't name it, it's just AM. AM feels the same way toward her.

Frankly, neither wants to be associated with "poly" when they see the attitude of conversations on boards like this. It's one reason this thread is interesting to me, seeing the space of responses, but I'm different from the two of them...
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  #167  
Old 11-06-2013, 08:29 PM
london london is offline
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I should have actually expanded on that a bit because I was continuing the conversation about the instances where one of the existing couple gets hurt opposed to the unicorn. If I was intending to find a poly person and do a cowgirl move, I'd target unicorn hunters (opposed to a poly couple open to a triad) because they already have the instability necessary for me to worm my way in. I believe this makes up one group of couples who are harmed by their unicorn hunt.

Also, with typical unicorn hunting couples, the chances that one of the dyad aren't really on board with the poly thing and consequently want to pull out are high. Unfortunately (for them) the other person doesn't always want to pull out and either leaves them or cheats after saying they'd break it off. And we have another group of couples who end up the aggrieved party when the triad implodes.
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  #168  
Old 11-06-2013, 08:33 PM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by pulliman View Post
london - ha!

Speaking from within a not-yet-triad situation, I can say (based on an earlier comment by london, I think, plus something Natja said) that one of the NICER things, for me, is that I'm not the sexual centerpiece. That whole porn MFM thing? Yeah, not so much.

When reading around, my wife gets irritated by the suggestion that she "became" bi to please me. Yuck - the concept is awful. It doesn't describe her and her "mostly straight" ways. She doesn't see herself as bi or poly, not at all. She has a girlfriend, but even the word "girlfriend" bugs her. AM is part of her life, they make love, are best friends, don't name it, it's just AM. AM feels the same way toward her.

Frankly, neither wants to be associated with "poly" when they see the attitude of conversations on boards like this. It's one reason this thread is interesting to me, seeing the space of responses, but I'm different from the two of them...
Definitely in Fetlife but I think I've seen women here too who readily admit that they aren't really bi but think with enough practice, they will be. Sometimes it will be a kink based relationship dynamic that compels them to attempt this, other times not.
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  #169  
Old 11-06-2013, 08:34 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by pulliman View Post
Being in...a triad...and also part of what I call an N... I suppose I could talk about either side of this conversation.
... people who write in talking about their personal circumstances (say, starting married and perhaps opening things up in small steps, or enjoying being with couples because they like the dynamic of joining something established) and get pounced on with questions that others seem to not get asked. Have you thought of THIS, have you considered THAT, and so on. Many of the questions imply that the member of the couple or the person joining a couple is a dumb-ass, or self-centered, or rude to the others in the relationship, or lacking in the wisdom that is this forum.
First of all, I like being pounced upon. By cats, kids or a lover! But piled on can be oppressive, which is probably what happens to innocent, naive, downright ignorant unicorns and unicorn hunters, when they come here looking for advice.

...Wait a minute, they are on a board with hundreds of members, asking for advice, and they get ton of it, from well meaning people, and then they feel piled upon! Well, if you don't want multiple opinions, maybe you shouldnt go to a message board. heh. Go read sites like morethantwo, go read a couple books, go find a poly-friendly therapist. Don't ask for advice here and then be mad when you damn well get some. If you just want information and support, see above.

I know the mods here want us to all be gently supportive at all times, and can and do ban members with more abrasive personalities. I know sometimes I am more abrasive than I should be, but shit, these same kinds of people just coming here over and over again, with their unicorn boxes and traps, thinking they are so unique and the exception to the stereotype!

Quote:
Which may be true. Yeah, people opening up don't know what people who have lived this way for a while know. But the pouncing is what looks different.
As a former unicorn hunter, with 14 years perspective on THAT experiment (my ex and I opened our relationship in 1999), I speak from both sides. I was the bi wife looking for a woman to share with my straight husband. We found one, and as often happens, she immediately preferred my husband, I got no sex, no cuddles, no romance from her, and he and she were soul mates, in NRE, chatting for hours. He was all twitterpated. Here I'd been his partner through thick and thin for 20 years, and suddenly she had supplanted my place, and I felt, had more attraction for him than I did. Or at least, just as much. It was really weird! I wasn't expecting the tidal force of NRE.

Previous to starting our hunt, my h said I could have veto power. If I was ever unhappy with this arrangement of sharing a woman, I came first, he'd give her up. After giving their relationship several months, I was extremely unhappy (since she wasn't into me, since she was taking so much of his time attention and OUR money, and because I felt he was neglecting our children), I did veto. Then they were both broken-hearted, and he punished me passive aggressively for the veto he'd granted me permission to use.

I became so depressed at our failed experiment and the result of the veto that I got clinically depressed to the point I was screaming/crying daily, couldn't get out of bed, needed Zoloft and 3 years of therapy.

Now, in retrospect I also feel bad for my husband and his gf! It wasn't fair to them either. We all suffered greatly.

So! Excuse me for "pouncing," unicorns, and those that hunt you. I am only trying to save you from the horrific massive depression our hunt produced.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
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  #170  
Old 11-06-2013, 08:58 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Like Magdlyn I made a disastrous mistake also, I am not really able to talk about it still as it is too painful (really dedicated people can easily find out) but I would never, ever want any one to go through what I went through. I wish people wouldn't cling to this fantasy I really do, because I don't want them to feel that sort of pain, but I DO realise that people have to make their own mistakes also. It is hard to find the right balance sometimes.
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adding a partner, attitude, expectations, love, one penis policy, opp, polyamory, polyfidelity, triad, truth, unicorn, unicorn definition, unicorn hunters, unicorn hunting, unicorns

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