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  #11  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:24 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
The thing that really, truly makes me feel sick is when a straight woman is trying to make herself bi and force herself to feel sexually and romantically towards a woman.
All to fulfill their husbands "dream".

I wonder how many triads we have lurking here on the boards are beyond the NEW point and still going strong?
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  #12  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I don't blame Showtime because, let's face it, this was a problem before that show came about, it is Porn. The threesome in porn is such a staple, especially the FMF threesome
Good point, although if all Showtime is doing is following porn's lead, then I still see it as more of a titillator than a normalizer, and it still makes me work harder at undoing perceptions of my relationship rather than letting me explain what it is. That's why I just say that P's "non-exclusive with two committed long-term relationships" - lotsa words, but pretty much to the point.

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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
We all come here because we want relationship advice for the kind of relationships we likely didn't ever see growing up. We are all trying to figure out how to make this work for us, and have more love/sex/passion/companionship in our lives. Let's embrace the full spectrum of that.
This is true. I came here, as someone who isn't Poly, simply because it was one of the only places I could talk about this stuff without immediately getting judged as a victim, or having my relationship be looked at as casual or disrespectful.

However, what I tend to see when the couples come on the board (usually) is first a gentle poke about "have you thought about this stuff" and a link to the unicorn hunter or couple privilege articles. It doesn't usually seem to get heated unless the original posters come back with, "Well, that's not us - here's why it's not us <lists several reasons that indicate that it is, in fact, them>." Or if someone else starts arguing in the thread on behalf of the OP, which tends to happen from time to time.

The self-proclaimed unicorns seem to regularly get flak for using the term. I personally have no feelings on it either way - if they realize it can be a pejorative term, and they still identify with what it represents, it's okay by me if they call themselves that. In the thread that was closed, the OP even stated that she fully expected couple privilege and didn't expect equality at all.

If the "unicorn" is fully informed and consents to all this, then I see this as no different than a negotiated D/s relationship. It's not for me, but I respect others' decisions to enjoy that in their relationships.

It's when the person is uninformed or doesn't fully consent that they run into trouble. In both cases.

Maybe the folks poking a bit hard at the "unicorns" are trying to make sure they're truly informed and understand all this, and I think that's a good thing. But at what point do you back off and say, "Okay - have at it then"?

No answers here, just questions. Thanks for creating a thread where we can discuss it without having to tie it to someone's particular situation, Mags.
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Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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  #13  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:27 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
I A couple seeking a girlfriend is no less ridiculous than a single woman with kids seeking out a single man of a certain age and income bracket
People will criticise a woman for her shallowness just as much as Unicorn hunters, maybe even worse....I recall a thread on a Kinky forum when a flame war occurred after a woman said she had no desire for a short Dom...drama!!!!!

Imagine a thread starter like.....I'm single, but I only want a rich man.

That wouldn't be ignored either, People get annoyed when we see others create boxes and expect others to fill it leaving no room for variation.

I spent ages talking to a married man the other day before he said "but as my wife is bi, so she needs to be considered" "and what has that got to do with anything"? I ask...."because the women will be sleeping together..."
"but why do you have that expectation"? (bear in mind there was nothing about this on the profile).

"It's not an expectation, it is a requirement, we come as a package deal"
.................
Yes, it is frustrating.
Quote:

and those couple/gf triads either fall apart or evolve, just like any relationship, monogamous or non-monogamous.
It wouldn't be so bad if there were not a trail of often homeless, broken hearted Unicorns left in its wake because she dared to not live up to the 'love us both equally' expectation.....just sayin.

Quote:
But why wouldn't people on this forum, especially those who have gone through it on one side or the other, not want to help these people in this situation?
People do try to help, often and also try to help them avoid not getting into these situations in the first place.

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(What is this, Versailles circa 1809?)
psst...French Revolution.....*whistles*
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  #14  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:31 PM
london london is offline
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No one gets frustrated dealing with the same issues over and over again from mono partners dealing with jealousy for their poly partners, or people trying to move from cheating to polyamory.
You obviously don't read my posts
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  #15  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:35 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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What about the wives and husbands who suffer the fallout of a triad gone bad?

I also have an issue with people with a POP clause to their poly life.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #16  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:41 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
What about the wives and husbands who suffer the fallout of a triad gone bad?
Of course, I tend to write from the single woman's view because that is what I am but I do acknowledge that sometimes things can go bad for a member of the married couple also. Wasn't there a bloke here the other day whose wife moved in their partner without telling him and he feels totally pushed out of the way?

Then there are the women whose husbands ran off with the Unicorn. It's not only the single woman who gets hurt.

The point is, rarely is everything equal, it is just not very sustainable.
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  #17  
Old 11-06-2013, 06:42 PM
london london is offline
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If I was a cowgirl, I'd target unicorn hunters.
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  #18  
Old 11-06-2013, 08:14 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I have no problem with triads/quads/etc. Find them to be the most stable relationship structure, even more so than monogamy (I know four is supposed to be the "most" stable number, at least in numerology, not sure where it comes from, really). So a quad would be the most stable? Maybe? Not important.
You are in a triad and find it to be stable? I was in a mono marriage for over 30 years. We were pretty damn "stable." Supported by society, by the goverment, our families. I'd say mono relationships are the most "stable" in our culture because they are the norm.
Quote:
I do think that so many couples do group relationships very poorly, which makes it all the more frustrating for those of us who very much consider the needs of all involved.
I am glad you are considering the needs of all. Generally people are more self centered.
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  #19  
Old 11-06-2013, 08:17 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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london - ha!

Speaking from within a not-yet-triad situation, I can say (based on an earlier comment by london, I think, plus something Natja said) that one of the NICER things, for me, is that I'm not the sexual centerpiece. That whole porn MFM thing? Yeah, not so much.

When reading around, my wife gets irritated by the suggestion that she "became" bi to please me. Yuck - the concept is awful. It doesn't describe her and her "mostly straight" ways. She doesn't see herself as bi or poly, not at all. She has a girlfriend, but even the word "girlfriend" bugs her. AM is part of her life, they make love, are best friends, don't name it, it's just AM. AM feels the same way toward her.

Frankly, neither wants to be associated with "poly" when they see the attitude of conversations on boards like this. It's one reason this thread is interesting to me, seeing the space of responses, but I'm different from the two of them...
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  #20  
Old 11-06-2013, 08:29 PM
london london is offline
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I should have actually expanded on that a bit because I was continuing the conversation about the instances where one of the existing couple gets hurt opposed to the unicorn. If I was intending to find a poly person and do a cowgirl move, I'd target unicorn hunters (opposed to a poly couple open to a triad) because they already have the instability necessary for me to worm my way in. I believe this makes up one group of couples who are harmed by their unicorn hunt.

Also, with typical unicorn hunting couples, the chances that one of the dyad aren't really on board with the poly thing and consequently want to pull out are high. Unfortunately (for them) the other person doesn't always want to pull out and either leaves them or cheats after saying they'd break it off. And we have another group of couples who end up the aggrieved party when the triad implodes.
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