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  #11  
Old 11-05-2013, 05:14 PM
london london is offline
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If you're happy being monogamous, cool, but I don't think it's reasonable to sacrifice the benefits a poly relationship brings you simply because you cannot build your relationships in a way that pleases your current partner. People have to acknowledge that others develop relationships differently from how they do and part (a big part, I feel) of polyamory is accepting that and consequently allowing the people on the relationships to decide how they develop. Even if one of those people is an established partner of yours.
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  #12  
Old 11-05-2013, 06:27 PM
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So she's had a bf for 3 years and is freaking because you met someone you like? Ouch, yeah is be super losses that she responded in such a way.
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  #13  
Old 11-05-2013, 09:03 PM
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Why is this other person "off limits" as far as she is concerned? Is there some sort of history there?
I can't see an 8 hour fight being warranted. But I could see how a miscommunication could lead to more miscommunications that result in an 8 hour battle to straighten out all of the confusion before progress on the original topic can even be considered.

We had some horrid battles figuring things out.
But in the long run the discussion was worth it. We learned much needed communication skills AND we learned about ourselves and each other.

We have some people that are "off limits" as well. I would say at least on my side a few of those people are people I love. But there are good, sound reasons Maca and GG feel they should be off limits, reasons I can agree with. So it isn't a huge issue.

Do you know what the reasons are in your case?
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  #14  
Old 11-06-2013, 12:31 AM
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Well J is off limits because I met her so closely (in terms of chronology) to when I met S. S is not comfortable with this and I've always said she is my main priority... I always saw these issues as being to do with insecurities and things that might one day be possible to work through but I know following our argument yesterday this is a firm boundary that won't change.

More generally speaking S would have a problem with me dating anyone that mixes (or might mix) in the same social circles as her. So that puts anyone on the kink scene or poly scene as off limits too. These are the main groups of people I would be looking to date, obviously only if it felt right. Alternatively I would be happy dating someone who I found who was curious about these points... but if she started dating me as well she would probably become a part of that scene quickly, unless she specifically wanted to be closeted about it. Now J is in the kink scene and is in an open relationship, she's not tried poly relationships before but would be open to the idea. Plus it felt like we had that connection, which for me is really rare.

The only options that all that leaves me is something long distance. My last relationship broke down about 3 weeks ago and the primary reason for this was distance. For this reason I would not want to intentionally seek out something long distance out of choice, if it happens and it feels right then who cares about distance... but I don't want to specifically date people outside of London out of choice.

The only other option this leaves me is being mono, I'm totally fine with this so long as I'm allowed to get in that mono head space. I really think given that LGBT can be thought of as a spectrum with people being heteroflexible/bi/homoflexible etc, then poly/mono should be thought of as a similar spectrum. I sit somewhere in the middle of that spectrum and am equally comfortable and have my life equally fulfilled with following either lifestyle so long as it fits the relationship(s) I am in. I don't feel anything to be missing from my life by identifying as mono, but I'm having a hard job convincing S of this. I think it's because of this that she's really beating herself up and blaming herself for forcing me to be monogamous.

The flip side is that if I'm identifying as poly and that is ok with my partner(s) then I feel restricted by having everyone off limits. It's all about the label I'm using and the way I'm adapting myself to that label and set of boundaries, I've been referring to this as that kind of self identification headspace and how you see yourself is key to how you're going to seek to behave. But I can certainly be flexible in how I identify.

I love her to bits and am terrified that I could lose her unless it's discussed properly.

I went to a poly meetup group in London tonight and some of the people there were really great. If S had been able to hear some of the things that they were discussing and if she had been able to challenge them and ask her own questions then it might have helped challenge her own thoughts and reasoning.
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  #15  
Old 11-06-2013, 12:57 AM
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Quote:
Well J is off limits because I met her so closely (in terms of chronology) to when I met S. S is not comfortable with this and I've always said she is my main priority... I always saw these issues as being to do with insecurities and things that might one day be possible to work through but I know following our argument yesterday this is a firm boundary that won't change.
Maybe-I suggest you both read the post(s) I just made on her thread. And then-as I suggested there, take time to discuss emotional flooding. THEN-discuss what the concrete actions are that are a problem for her (which does sound insecurity based) and how THOSE can be addressed specifically-not "this person is no because" but "this insecurity arises, to work through this so you can see this person I need..."

Quote:
More generally speaking S would have a problem with me dating anyone that mixes (or might mix) in the same social circles as her. So that puts anyone on the kink scene or poly scene as off limits too. These are the main groups of people I would be looking to date, obviously only if it felt right. Alternatively I would be happy dating someone who I found who was curious about these points... but if she started dating me as well she would probably become a part of that scene quickly,
This reply is for you both as well.
Nope-that isn't reasonable.
Not wanting to socialize closely is reasonable.
Not wanting you to date in the poly or kink scene-not reasonable. AND I realize that in many places (like where I live) these scenes are SMALL. But-that's the reality of having alternative relationship styles-the pool of fish IS smaller.
She needs to really look harder into herself about what her insecurity/fear is and address it.
It's ok if she doesn't want to create friendships with metamours and it's ok if she prefers you not date her close friends. But to mark off the people in existing alternative lifestyle circles is the same as saying "you can't date anyone who isn't monogamous" which is absurd.

Quote:
but I don't want to specifically date people outside of London out of choice.
THAT is reasonable.



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I love her to bits and am terrified that I could lose her unless it's discussed properly.
Very important-but it sounds like she wants to discuss it properly too. It may take some time with quite a few pauses to let emotions cool. But-it certainly can be done and you will both be better for it.
If she can deal with her emotions and find a way through to compromising (which by its nature means that both parties give up some of their PREFERENCES in order to make things work)

Quote:
I went to a poly meetup group in London tonight and some of the people there were really great. If S had been able to hear some of the things that they were discussing and if she had been able to challenge them and ask her own questions then it might have helped challenge her own thoughts and reasoning.
OH I have that experience too often. LOL! But neither of the guys is interested.
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  #16  
Old 11-06-2013, 01:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LondonGuy View Post
Well J is off limits because I met her so closely (in terms of chronology) to when I met S. S is not comfortable with this and I've always said she is my main priority... I always saw these issues as being to do with insecurities and things that might one day be possible to work through but I know following our argument yesterday this is a firm boundary that won't change.

More generally speaking S would have a problem with me dating anyone that mixes (or might mix) in the same social circles as her. So that puts anyone on the kink scene or poly scene as off limits too. These are the main groups of people I would be looking to date, obviously only if it felt right. Alternatively I would be happy dating someone who I found who was curious about these points... but if she started dating me as well she would probably become a part of that scene quickly, unless she specifically wanted to be closeted about it. Now J is in the kink scene and is in an open relationship, she's not tried poly relationships before but would be open to the idea. Plus it felt like we had that connection, which for me is really rare.

The only options that all that leaves me is something long distance. My last relationship broke down about 3 weeks ago and the primary reason for this was distance. For this reason I would not want to intentionally seek out something long distance out of choice, if it happens and it feels right then who cares about distance... but I don't want to specifically date people outside of London out of choice.

The only other option this leaves me is being mono, I'm totally fine with this so long as I'm allowed to get in that mono head space. I really think given that LGBT can be thought of as a spectrum with people being heteroflexible/bi/homoflexible etc, then poly/mono should be thought of as a similar spectrum. I sit somewhere in the middle of that spectrum and am equally comfortable and have my life equally fulfilled with following either lifestyle so long as it fits the relationship(s) I am in. I don't feel anything to be missing from my life by identifying as mono, but I'm having a hard job convincing S of this. I think it's because of this that she's really beating herself up and blaming herself for forcing me to be monogamous.

The flip side is that if I'm identifying as poly and that is ok with my partner(s) then I feel restricted by having everyone off limits. It's all about the label I'm using and the way I'm adapting myself to that label and set of boundaries, I've been referring to this as that kind of self identification headspace and how you see yourself is key to how you're going to seek to behave. But I can certainly be flexible in how I identify.

I love her to bits and am terrified that I could lose her unless it's discussed properly.

I went to a poly meetup group in London tonight and some of the people there were really great. If S had been able to hear some of the things that they were discussing and if she had been able to challenge them and ask her own questions then it might have helped challenge her own thoughts and reasoning.
Sounds like shes intentionally limiting who.you can date in such an extreme.way in order to make it nearly impossible to date/meet someone. I wouldnt be surprised if New boundaries are set when you do meet people.
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  #17  
Old 11-06-2013, 04:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Sounds like shes intentionally limiting who.you can date in such an extreme.way in order to make it nearly impossible to date/meet someone. I wouldnt be surprised if New boundaries are set when you do meet people.
Maybe-but I don't think so based upon her thread.
I think she is suddenly encountering the need to actually consider how to make things work and what she needs to do with herself in order for that to be possible.

I remember Maca thinking "WTF" when I suddenly was insecure and jealous over his first interest. He thought "YOU are the one who brought poly into this how can YOU be insecure and jealous?"
All sorts of assumptions that I must be playing games and manipulating and trying to control him, have my cake and eat it to, not let him date others etc.

The truth is-until we encounter an experience, we don't know for sure how we will feel. If we haven't done a lot of working on managing how we react, that can be a big drama when things change suddenly.

Also-when multiple big things change suddenly at one time-that in itself, even if they are changes we want, can be overwhelming. Once someone is emotionally flooded, they don't react sensibly-because they aren't sensible. THey have to get back to un-flooded before they can be rational.
There's a lot going on in her world too.

I think-bad timing.
A few miscommunications between the two of them.
Some fear and insecurity on her part-some of which was largely unexpected BY HER.
A need to do some mind-clearing.
A need to wait until the BIG life changing events of this week are finished (because focusing is hard when you are busy with life-changing events).
A need for some serious discussion about what is REALLY the issue (because it's not "this other lady" and it's not "him being poly".

I think this is resolvable. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. But definitely resolvable.
Both people are clearly interested in finding a solution. Both are clearly interested in each others needs.
Both are clearly seeing where their own errors were.
Both are asking for suggestions and help and constructive criticism on their own thoughts and actions.

All great signs for a mutually agreeable solution to be found. Just need some creative adaptation and calm, caring, considerate conversation.
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  #18  
Old 11-06-2013, 04:32 AM
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The way I see it, S is an insecure control freak and is making a mountain out of a molehill. Are you seriously going to put her in charge of your life, who you are "allowed" to date (ridiculous!), and even whom you may speak to? I personally would not tolerate that bullshit from anyone. Wow.

Your responsibility is to manage your relationships and hers is to manage her relationships. But she doesn't have a right to manage your other relationships (by that I mean, those she is not a part of!). Doing that is just a dictatorship. She should just worry about her relationship with you and not what kinds of conversations you are having with anyone else. Sheesh. Sounds like junior high.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-06-2013 at 04:36 AM.
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  #19  
Old 11-06-2013, 08:08 AM
london london is offline
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Yeah, agreeing to a poly relationship and then effectively cutting off your only means of meeting poly people is a way of controlling you. It seems like she is happy to let you have the same things she does because she has agreed, but she really has no intention of letting you have healthy relationships with other people.
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  #20  
Old 11-06-2013, 04:41 PM
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Having re-read both this and the thread which S posted I can see that NRE affects people in different ways... We really do all date differently!!

S talked a lot about the NRE feelings she was having towards me and I guess I didn't really understand what she was referring to. I felt this enormous sense of wow, this feeling of "this is amazing!!", but I didn't do so at the expense of time with my existing partner B. EDIT - I should point out B and I split up about 3 weeks ago, though this was more because of distance than anything else. We've stayed great friends and have agreed to tag on the "with benefits" whenever we're in the same city.

I felt I settled into a relationship with S very quickly and was totally smitten That feeling hasn't died down, nor will it. I consider myself exceptionally lucky to have fallen on my feet so cleanly in the poly community with me being so new, and even more lucky to have found someone who makes me so happy.

I found it hard to relate to the NRE she was talking about as it just felt natural and normal, it didn't feel like an overpowering sudden emotion which blew me away and then fizzled out to nothingness - it was just right. By contrast S talks about how she hardly recognised there was a room around us let alone other people in it. I think she's scared that if I date others I will be affected by NRE in the same way she was, rather than affected again by it in the same way I was.

Whether I identify as mono or poly, and whether that identification is ever under review I do want to continue to uncover and work on any insecurities either of us might have and work through them. I feel in my heart I do have the capacity to love more than one person and maintain those relationships healthily, but I want to reassure anyone I date that I will never put other partners needs first at the expense of theirs. So in this instance I wouldn't ever let my feelings for J (or any other girl I might meet) affect the love I have with S or the time I have with her.

Last edited by LondonGuy; 11-06-2013 at 04:48 PM.
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