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  #21  
Old 11-02-2013, 08:42 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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A word that describes people who dates two people? How about, oh I don't know, polyamorous?

I, for one, date PEOPLE. If those people happen to be a man and a woman in a partnership, they're still "people" first and "a couple" second.

It's impossible to "date a couple." A couple is two people in a relationship. A relationship is an abstract concept describing the association between two individuals. A relationship is not a person with thoughts, feelings, and an identity. You cannot date an abstract concept, you can only date real live people.

Realistically, if a couple has "desires that aren't prestent in the existing dynamic" then throwing a third person into the mix is more likely to cause jealousy than be "sort of filling in." Having it shoved in your face that you're not meeting your partner's needs, and then having those needs be met right in front of you, is extremely unlikely to cause compersion... especially if your own desires for the third person are not as strong as your partner's.

The notion of being a unicorn and only "dating couples" is as problematic as being a couple and only dating unattached women who will love them both equally. It's a nice notion, but in practice, pretty much every self-proclaimed unicorn runs into the same problem: real emotions don't care about your ideals.

Each and every successful triad I have ever heard of has come about by coincidence, not intention. When it works, it "just sorta happens." No one was deliberately trying to form a triad.

You can't force yourself to love someone. Labels aside, this whole thread is a case in point. Right off the bat, she was closer to the woman than the man. She and the man made a conscious effort to "build" their relationship, trying to learn to love each other more. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work out.

This thread is not an exceptional chapter in a book of successful unicorn love stories. This is exactly the way it turns out MOST of the time. I'm not saying triads can't work and I'm not saying a woman can't successfully date a couple. I'm just saying that USUALLY it doesn't work out that way. It's an objective observation of the statistics. And yet, ironically, here's a bunch of people coming to the defence of unicorn-hunting and unicorns when this whole thread is a prime example of why seeking an ideal over individual relationships is unlikely to succeed. You're only serving to reinforce her confused notion that you can force triads to work if you only push at it hard enough, or keep looking until you find the right one.

The biggest problem with the way triads are usually attempted is that people force their emotions rather than letting them develop naturally. Three people get together and declare "we're going to have a triad, and we're all going to love each other equally. Here are the parameters we're going to establish to make sure everyone gets fair treatment and no one ever feels left out." But real hearts don't work that way. You can't turn it on and off and adjust the voltage as prescribed by your Triad Agreement. Rather, your triad agreement has to be able to adjust based on the actual feelings of the people involved.

Anyone in a successful triad will tell you how important it is to be flexible. Allow things to progress naturally. Accept that sometimes, partners A & B will be closer than A & C, and at other times B & C will be closer. Let it flow. Accept that the triad may form even a vee and allow each arm to be happy for the other if that happens. Place your love of the individuals above your love of the triad ideology, and put the individual happiness of your partners above your attachment to a particular outcome.
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  #22  
Old 11-05-2013, 01:27 AM
DirtyRunner DirtyRunner is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
A word that describes people who dates two people? How about, oh I don't know, polyamorous?

I, for one, date PEOPLE. If those people happen to be a man and a woman in a partnership, they're still "people" first and "a couple" second.

It's impossible to "date a couple." A couple is two people in a relationship. A relationship is an abstract concept describing the association between two individuals. A relationship is not a person with thoughts, feelings, and an identity. You cannot date an abstract concept, you can only date real live people.

Realistically, if a couple has "desires that aren't prestent in the existing dynamic" then throwing a third person into the mix is more likely to cause jealousy than be "sort of filling in." Having it shoved in your face that you're not meeting your partner's needs, and then having those needs be met right in front of you, is extremely unlikely to cause compersion... especially if your own desires for the third person are not as strong as your partner's.

The notion of being a unicorn and only "dating couples" is as problematic as being a couple and only dating unattached women who will love them both equally. It's a nice notion, but in practice, pretty much every self-proclaimed unicorn runs into the same problem: real emotions don't care about your ideals.

Each and every successful triad I have ever heard of has come about by coincidence, not intention. When it works, it "just sorta happens." No one was deliberately trying to form a triad.

You can't force yourself to love someone. Labels aside, this whole thread is a case in point. Right off the bat, she was closer to the woman than the man. She and the man made a conscious effort to "build" their relationship, trying to learn to love each other more. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work out.

This thread is not an exceptional chapter in a book of successful unicorn love stories. This is exactly the way it turns out MOST of the time. I'm not saying triads can't work and I'm not saying a woman can't successfully date a couple. I'm just saying that USUALLY it doesn't work out that way. It's an objective observation of the statistics. And yet, ironically, here's a bunch of people coming to the defence of unicorn-hunting and unicorns when this whole thread is a prime example of why seeking an ideal over individual relationships is unlikely to succeed. You're only serving to reinforce her confused notion that you can force triads to work if you only push at it hard enough, or keep looking until you find the right one.

The biggest problem with the way triads are usually attempted is that people force their emotions rather than letting them develop naturally. Three people get together and declare "we're going to have a triad, and we're all going to love each other equally. Here are the parameters we're going to establish to make sure everyone gets fair treatment and no one ever feels left out." But real hearts don't work that way. You can't turn it on and off and adjust the voltage as prescribed by your Triad Agreement. Rather, your triad agreement has to be able to adjust based on the actual feelings of the people involved.

Anyone in a successful triad will tell you how important it is to be flexible. Allow things to progress naturally. Accept that sometimes, partners A & B will be closer than A & C, and at other times B & C will be closer. Let it flow. Accept that the triad may form even a vee and allow each arm to be happy for the other if that happens. Place your love of the individuals above your love of the triad ideology, and put the individual happiness of your partners above your attachment to a particular outcome.
I'm sorry, but I have to laugh at the irony of your signature with how vehemently you want to define the label of "unicorn".
OP, for my own reasons, I will say nothing but follow your heart. =)
  #23  
Old 11-05-2013, 10:21 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I think you'll find that is the way it is commonly used, it is not S-Cat's definition.

What she IS emphasising is why it has such a negative connotation. Very often "successful" Unicorn Hunters come on here and mock it but often they are five minutes into their NRE saturation, I do believe time will tell though.
  #24  
Old 11-05-2013, 11:23 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default sorry veauvian crew, and now that disclaimer is done

I think there has been a hostile grammarian take over of poly since it burst onto the scene not too long along, and I refuse to recognize an illegitimate, fascist government that some passive aggressive bunny eared and a anarchist decided to appoint themselves, but it would be like Batista overthrowing Che and Castro so that the Island could once again be owned by the Republican party, fuck that.

ˇViva la revolución!

First of all grammar? we don't need no stinkin grammar, we need truth, and the truth is both "unicorn" and "triad" had been square pegged into a round hole of a definition that is way to narrow and every time someone comes by and says, "hey buddy, someone's gonna trip over that shit if you don't put the terms into their fitting spots, I see you pounded the square in the circle but the edge is sticking up. I don't give a flying fuck about the etymology of the words, if you want to make fun of me, just do it, but don't do it by rearranging and uber defining words just so you can chuckle at all us's non-Yale non-bigoted common folk"

and every time someone moves it back we get poly frenchmen ranting about shit that doesn't even happen. Sure couples come looking for a girlfriend, I have never seen them start bitching and moaning they when the same four people out of the thirty female profiles don't reply. I do see the same veauvian crew rush to the scene of every triad crime and stomp the sparks out lest they become a flame

lame

you don't need to go to switch into a hinge and two legs, that is only in facist Cuba, you can all three hang out all you want and there doesn't have to be every possible sexual combination or else you aren't a triad, that is bullshit and feel free to no accept that square peg into the round hole

so to make things clearer *cough* excuse me, more clear just say "unicorn" just means the regular old poly unicorn and and same deal with triad

AND

the french unicorn is that long list of must agree to be babysitter, only committed threesome sex, can't speak unless you are spoken to blah- blah-blah Batista fascist veauvian triad

I don't know, I think if he used real life scenarios or straight forward terms instead of erudite ways to poke fun at people, maybe his definitions wouldn't be so ho humm and not make sense. Sure there are a lot of idiot men out there that don't find partners, but it's because they are idiots, but they sure as hell don't go walking around thinking they have a food stamp card and are entitled to three women every month. That's just more bullshit masked Republican fascist drama propaganda

fuck that ˇViva la revolución!

tldr : mister frankie, chill yo, word, donta fuck with Jesus! I warned ya,

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 11-05-2013 at 12:42 PM. Reason: tippo
  #25  
Old 11-05-2013, 11:44 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Seriously I am sorry

I just get tired of the enforced laws that say you have to speak poly terms with a fake German accent , if you really want to enforce stupid rules, lets add the rule that polyamorists can't wear clothes, then we could put to rest the the thread in the fireplace with the passive aggressive back and forth exercise in subtlety pretending not to understand written word as if we were first year ESL Stundents
  #26  
Old 11-05-2013, 10:55 PM
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NaturalUnicorn NaturalUnicorn is offline
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Okay.. yeah.. thats not me.. thanks for pointing the finger at my long used mis use of the term. That makes me sad, and as new member..feel very unwelcome...I guess perhaps I was educated incorrectly.
I do love couples. I do deeply respect their holiness. And I do not believe 3 way equality is EVER obtainable. Nor do I strive for it. And its a stupid idea to ask anyone for it. In my most sucessful triad relationship.. I knew my place and each of them knew theirs.. Easy... But I do have my own needs and thoughts and feelings and might I add a very high level self worth, self respect, self advocacy and self love. I have my own family and friends. If anyone tries to hide me..without asking first, they are gonna be the ones out on their ass in the mud as far my involvement goes. However my identity or inaccurate description of my love interest.... shouldn't be the issue and defiantly is not the topic of this thread. Thanks for hijacking my thread and totally disregarding the guidance and feedback I was wishing for. How's that for timid creature!? How about some positive feedback and light in a murky time for me.. or are ya;ll to hung up on terms..
Is it possible there is more than one generation of Unicorns?
Maybe I'm just the new version...LMAO! terminology to label who, howmany and in what way you love is ridiculous! I simply used the term, cause I thought is was accurate and would quickly describe my viewpoint.... Ya'll's energy could be so much better spent.....so much more productive.. .Thanks for not helping at all......typical.
To thoes of you that did provide honest and heartfelt feedback you know who you are, you know your intentions and I thank you for sharing..... deeply.

Last edited by NaturalUnicorn; 11-05-2013 at 10:58 PM.
  #27  
Old 11-05-2013, 11:04 PM
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NaturalUnicorn NaturalUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
People use the label "unicorn" all the time to connote a woman who dates both members of a hetero couple. I do not believe anyone truly expects said woman to be mythically perfect: equally attracted to both of the couple, secondary to the hetero couple, etc.. It is just easier to say "I'm a unicorn" than to say "I'm a woman involved with both members of a heterosexual couple who were already together when I got involved."

I disagree that the poster has any responsibility to "reclaim the label." We all know what she means by "unicorn," and if the reader is attaching all kinds of baggage to the term, that's the reader's issue. I just took it as the poster is a female dating a couple, and her relationship to them is as unique as anyone's relationship to anyone. Obviously, there is a need for a word to describe such a person, and unless someone can come up with a better or more succinct term, unicorn it is.
Thanks.. Agreed.
  #28  
Old 11-05-2013, 11:07 PM
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NaturalUnicorn NaturalUnicorn is offline
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Okay.. yeah.. thats not me.. thanks for pointing the finger at my long used mis use of the term. That makes me sad, and as new member..feel very unwelcome...I guess perhaps I was educated incorrectly.
I do love couples. I do deeply respect their holiness. And I do not believe 3 way equality is EVER obtainable. Nor do I strive for it. And its a stupid idea to ask anyone for it. In my most sucessful triad relationship.. I knew my place and each of them knew theirs.. Easy... But I do have my own needs and thoughts and feelings and might I add a very high level self worth, self respect, self advocacy and self love. I have my own family and friends. If anyone tries to hide me..without asking first, they are gonna be the ones out on their ass in the mud as far my involvement goes. However my identity or inaccurate description of my love interest.... shouldn't be the issue and defiantly is not the topic of this thread. Thanks for hijacking my thread and totally disregarding the guidance and feedback I was wishing for. How's that for timid creature!? How about some positive feedback and light in a murky time for me.. or are ya;ll to hung up on terms..
Is it possible there is more than one generation of Unicorns?
Maybe I'm just the new version...LMAO! terminology to label who, howmany and in what way you love is ridiculous! I simply used the term, cause I thought is was accurate and would quickly describe my viewpoint.... Ya'll's energy could be so much better spent.....so much more productive.. .Thanks for not helping at all......typical.
To thoes of you that did provide honest and heartfelt feedback you know who you are, you know your intentions and I thank you for sharing..... deeply.
  #29  
Old 11-05-2013, 11:15 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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This thread makes me sad and annoyed as it has been hijacked by those who want to spend time, energy and NaturalUnicorn's thread to debate the terminology and definition of a "Unicorn" which is completely irrelevant to the initial post.
  #30  
Old 11-06-2013, 12:01 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NaturalUnicorn View Post
I simply used the term, cause I thought is was accurate and would quickly describe my viewpoint.
This is the crux of the matter, and it should also be recognized that some terminology, like Unicorn, doesn't belong to us, or even the poly community in general. So it does us little service in communication to overload it with elements which have no commonality outside the poly community.

Furthermore, if someone chooses a label for themselves, others have no business re-defining it to suit their own prejudices. Labels are something we can choose to wear, but really shouldn't be plastered on others.


Now, MOD NOTE:
This is not the first time threads have been hijacked in the fashion, particularly surrounding the Unicorn/Hunter subject.
Thread hijacking is not acceptable behavior.
It is also not acceptable that new members to be chastised and derided for minor vocab usage, particularly when such vocab is far from having a settled universal definition.
Further dogpiling on users, new or old, as seen on this thread is also not acceptable.

Personal Relationships Corner and the Intro's are not the place for hijacking into these kinds of discussions. They belong in General Discussions, and if it's so important to discuss a side subject, then split out and take it there...as per the guidelines.

Unicorns, and Unicorn hunters, are people too, and will be treated with the same respect as any other new user. Remember this Forum is SUPPOSED to be a place for people of all poly persuasions to freely discuss and exchange idea's. If you have trouble honouring that, then as per the guidelines, you are welcome to find the door.
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