A little help unscrambling thoughts.
I'm really hoping this post is going to be clear and articulate, because I'm not sure the thoughts I'm trying to convey really are (kind of why I need help in the first place.) I know one of my partners is on here and so I don't want this to become a case of airing dirty laundry but it would be really useful to get some varied and inside perspectives on the soap opera going on in my head right now. Also apologies, I think this going to be a lot longer than I meant.
This weekend has been a bit of a nightmare. I've had arguments with both partners that have essentially left me questioning whether i'm doing the right thing in exploring polyamory/non monogamy. I have one partner I've been with for a bit over two and a half years. In that time we've overcome a lot (including a very messed up first attempt at opening the relationship) and I have a flat and a life with him in my university town. I realised I probably wasn't monogamous pretty much when despite being very in love with M I fell in love with T, although things never developed beyond a couple of sexual incidents. I found out a lot more about polyamory through mine and M's exploration of kink (although I know polyamory and kink are not by any stretch synonymous). In July I moved to a new city where I became involved with the scene and met A. We were instantly attracted to each other and despite me being with M and he being with B, we ended up in our first truly poly situation in September. Mine and Ms relationship even strengthened for this.
This was all well and good but mine and A's dynamic seems to have changed since the breakdown of his relationship with B and also since M's attempts to try and explore for himself and basically everything has culminated in this weekends disasters. I think in truth the very heart of the issue is not knowing my own feelings and communication breaking down as a result, so I'm going to try and express these feelings now.
With M, I think I realised on hindsight that my reaction this weekend was so severe because I'd been drinking and emotional at the same time. I was unhappy when my friend E had told me that serious flirtation had developed between him her and C. I was unhappy because we'd discussed why E was a bad idea and I was annoyed that M hadn't been the one to tell me.
Now I'm a lot calmer I can't workout why I was so annoyed over a bit of flirtation- it doesn't really bother me at all- unless it was just the timing of it, as I don't see M often anymore due to distance. Either way, the arguement boiled down to "I don't feel like there's anyone I'm actually allowed to see here, I give up on this poly thing."
With A it's a little more complicated. The first night we announced ourselves in the scene as a couple and A met M, there was another girl, J. That night she'd flirted with myself, A and M. When I saw her and M flirting I was really happy. I'm not sure why, it just seemed like it could be really great for him. However, by the end of the night, it had descended into A and J discussing the possibility of dating. This caused me to be really upset. When myself and A spoke about it, we agreed that maybe it was too soon to be dating others- we'd only been together a couple of weeks and good foundations and trust (to me anyway) need to be established at the heart of a relationship before others should be considered. He also told me that she was the only other girl he'd looked at and that they'd been flirting the same night that myself and him had spent each other smiling at each other and txting under the table and all that romantic stuff that comes with a couple just getting together. Honestly, that made me really jealous, there I was so dosed up on NRE I'm hardly aware there's a room let alone anyone else in it and he was eyeing up someone else. That hurt, rightly or wrongly it hurt and I have said that to him time and time over. Thing is, it came up a few weeks ago that he still liked her then this weekend, whilst I'm in my university town, he approached her to say he'd ask me about dating her. I got a message on facebook asking about her and lost my cool.
a.) because I felt I should have been approached first
b.) because I found out through her that he'd spoken to her and not through him
c.) because we'd already discussed that I wasn't happy with it
In the end it boiled down to a lot of miss communication and him saying "I don't feel like I can date anyone here that you're ok with"
One thing I absolutely wouldn't want someone to do is change who they are to fit the relationship, I'd rather end it for both our sakes and I am definitely not asking that.
There is one thing unique to both situations and that's that in a poly/non monogamous situation I really feel the need to keep any relationships and partners very separate. I am more than happy for my partners to have other partners but I'd want to keep it away from my life. This basically means that I'd rather their other partners weren't in my social circles, which is an issue as with each partner, our social circles are so confined that people tend to know everyone.
I also kind of realised that in my partners having other partners, i'm terrified of the NRE situation. I love the thought of them having that concrete relationship and deep foundations of love with someone because I think that can be so beautiful and rewarding. When A was with B, I was so happy for him and the fact that she just made him happy and smile. But now I'm suddenly acting like a jealous school girl? I think it's easier, at least when searching for someone to be a secondary to be their secondary as well.
Anyway, I hope that's clear. I'd be really keen to hear peoples thoughts, have I been unreasonable? Placing too many constrictions? Should I quit this whole non monogamy concept altogether? As much as that would break my heart in a lot of ways, I'm feeling more and more like it would be best.
|boundaries, issues, newbie|