Attracting monogamists

[jackrabbit]

Originally Posted by korindino

Do these people think they can turn me mono again?

Maybe it's like those guys who think they can turn lesbians straight. "If she just met a real man..."

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by idealist

Mono- did you know for sure that you could be with a poly person before you met Redpepper? Were you saying "I could be with a poly person" ? Just wondering!! Thanks !!

As I remember it he mentioned that he was impressed at how much I knew myself and what my needs are. He was impressed that I knew so much about my sexuality and was respectful that he was different from me yet equally as valid.

He was mostly curious as were most of the guys I meet on on-line dating sites, saying similar things as the OP said in their OK cupid profile.

There were definitely some guys that were looking for a woman in an "open relationship" (truthfully or not) that weren't getting her needs met sexually and wanted a quick fuck.... there are women out there like that and they thought I was one of them.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by korindino

Since then I've been bombarded with messages, especially from guys who ask me about being poly, and mention that they're mono and definitely could never do the poly thing.

My first reaction to this was a guy writing to another guy saying "I'm not gay and I could never be with a guy, but..." ... and me thinking "well if I'm a guy and you don't like guys, then why the hell are you messaging me?"

Originally Posted by redpepper

There were definitely some guys that were looking for a woman in an "open relationship" (truthfully or not) that weren't getting her needs met sexually and wanted a quick fuck.... there are women out there like that and they thought I was one of them.

This.

If a guy wants just-sex, he would love to find someone who will give him lots of sex without expecting a relationship "in return." Because let's face it, the vast majority of women out there really are hunting for their husbands, with sex as the currency they must pay to spend time with potential partners. The guys probably meet a lot of single girls who claim not to be looking for a relationship, but then after spending a few nights together, start "wanting more" or to know "where this is going." They probably figure that if you're already in a relationship, that won't be an issue.

[EugenePoet]

Heh, heh. I think there's a definite sexual dimorphism on this issue. What I hear is that mono men message poly women pretty frequently, and in a fairly Neanderthal manner. The reverse is not true.

My poly relationship has tight boundaries, as I've mentioned elsewhere -- one date evening a week. So, with the knowledge and encouragement of my lady love, I have been looking for other friendships to fill the voids.

On straight sites (PlentyOfFish and Yahoo) when not self-identifying as poly I could draw responses easily. But that felt dishonest so I very quickly backed off the contacts, killed my profiles, and came to OkCupid and posted as poly.

Now it's quite hard to get a response.

Mono women in the age bracket I'm searching (45 - 60) are definitely NOT interested in somebody who needs multiple relationships. They do NOT respond to messages from me, despite the fact that I wax poetic about honesty and feelings, post pictures of my seriously cute dog, and am demonstrably not out-of-shape and flabby (although my face leaves something to be desired beauty-wise).

So yes, I mostly look only for women who self-identify as poly. In my geographical area, though, there are only a small handful who are active on OKC or on PolyMatchmaker.

It would be discouraging if I wasn't so happy with my life!

[joswitch]

Originally Posted by EugenePoet

Heh, heh. I think there's a definite sexual dimorphism on this issue. What I hear is that mono men message poly women pretty frequently, and in a fairly Neanderthal manner. The reverse is not true.

My poly relationship has tight boundaries, as I've mentioned elsewhere -- one date evening a week. So, with the knowledge and encouragement of my lady love, I have been looking for other friendships to fill the voids.

On straight sites (PlentyOfFish and Yahoo) when not self-identifying as poly I could draw responses easily. But that felt dishonest so I very quickly backed off the contacts, killed my profiles, and came to OkCupid and posted as poly.

Now it's quite hard to get a response.

Mono women in the age bracket I'm searching (45 - 60) are definitely NOT interested in somebody who needs multiple relationships. They do NOT respond to messages from me, despite the fact that I wax poetic about honesty and feelings, post pictures of my seriously cute dog, and am demonstrably not out-of-shape and flabby (although my face leaves something to be desired beauty-wise).

So yes, I mostly look only for women who self-identify as poly. In my geographical area, though, there are only a small handful who are active on OKC or on PolyMatchmaker.

It would be discouraging if I wasn't so happy with my life!

Heh.

Back when I was in an open relationship with my then gf, when I got hit on by girls I didn't fancy, I found the single fastest way to turn them off was just to honestly say "I'm in an open relationship". Response was generally: "Fuck that!" :shrug:

[Honestheart]

LOL, i agree with mono I think you pose a challenge to them. but i also think that they are curious and attracted to your beautiful heart...
I myself am mono and was introduced to poly through friends (who i later dated. well i dated the man anyways LOL )
i never had the intention to "convert" my freinds back to monogamy... he just, well there was somethign about his views on love that atracted me to him. somethign about being able to have a big enough heart to love more then one person wholly and at the same time ... it drew me in. perhaps thats what these men see in you korindino? they see the beautiful heart and want a closer inspection, not to turn you but to see just what makes you tick and perhaps just maybe....fall for you.

[booklady78]

I definitely experienced this when my hubby and I first started exploring the idea of an open marriage. We weren't familiar with the term 'poly' in the beginning, we just wanted to meet people and date and see where things went. Knowing that I was married and open to meeting other men opened the floodgates on aff and other dating accounts. I'm not exactly a supermodel, but there was no lack of men interested. In fact, I met my bf through aff and he was the first one to message me and say 'Hi, how are you doing?" instead of sending me a cock shot :P And his grammar was perfect *sigh*

[Honestheart]

booklady,
what... no cock shot? and perfect grammar? i dunno, you make those monogamist boys that were after you sound boring ;-) just joking. sorry, i joke about EVERYTHING, feel free to tease me back. ;-)
its strange, you'd think that poly would make those of us who are monogamists think that there were relationship issues or commitment issues and want to run away screaming..... but since poly isn't about sex only, well...it does the exact opposite...attracts.
altho, it is also one of the most difficult relationships for monogamists. after all, they are only seeing their poly partner. on that note I'd like to flip swicth this discussion... after "attracting" a monogamist, has anybody ever been accused of trying to "convert" a monogamist to polyamory? not that you can "convert" , that's not what i mean... i just wonder if anybody has been accused of it? a cpl of the information sites i went to actually said that was a concern to be addressed in most poly-mono relationships.

[booklady78]

Ha ha Honestheart :P Actually, my bf had never been in a poly relationship before but knew right from the beginning that I was married and not wanting an 'affair'. We all kind of learned poly together

[korindino]

Honestly, though, I think most poly people have been mono at some point, if not nominally then at least functionally. I guess it is possible to open someone up to the idea of polyamory even if they come in thinking they're "definitely monogamous."

Also, booklady, I know what you mean. I find myself immediately attracted to people who sent me messages with perfect spelling and mechanics.