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  #1  
Old 07-03-2013, 06:55 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Default Taking Love Seriously - Nadya's Notebook

This is meant to become a blog - a place where I can collect my thoughts in one place. Thoughts about life and love, poly-related or not. And, ain't that a cool title?

When I was in my early twenties, I was convinced that there was no such thing as love. It did not exist in my world. Nowadays it is not often that I remember those times... and, there are still some black patches in my memory around some of the darkest times of my life. This was not just one depressed statement, it was the corner stone of my world view and philosophy for years. Love does not exist in reality. It is an illusion that keeps the human beings stay here on this earth and reproduce. It is a trick that our genes do to us in order to multiply themselves. Does not sound a very happy way of thinking, does it?

Today my life is filled with love and happiness - both something way outside of the reality that I was raised into as a child and teenager. This life experience makes me take love very seriously and definitely not for granted. It also makes me wonder... wonder about a lot of things. Hopefully some of those thoughts will find their way into words and be typed here.

Since my goal is to widen up my perspective, I warmly welcome all comments here. Just anything that pops up in your mind while reading this... I would be grateful if you took the time to write those thoughts here.
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  #2  
Old 07-04-2013, 01:14 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
...I was convinced that there was no such thing as love. It did not exist in my world. ...Love does not exist in reality. It is an illusion that keeps the human beings stay here on this earth and reproduce. It is a trick that our genes do to us in order to multiply themselves.
Parts of this really sound like my philosophy of reality in my teens. For me this was NOT a depressed or unhappy philosophy - just a practical one. Since I wasn't looking for "love" I was free to experience people/situations as they came - without auditioning them for some romantic "role" in my life.

Thank you for starting a blog to share these thoughts and ideas with us - and, yes!, cool title.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #3  
Old 07-04-2013, 02:05 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Thanks, JaneQ! Yes, I can partly relate to what you are writing about. There were times, when I absolutely was NOT looking for romantic love and was happy to have all the extra energy for other things in life - and believe me, a lot of things I did and a lot of experiences collected.

What I did miss at that time, though, was parental love, support and acceptance. That was something I never had and never will have, most likely. The whole concept of truly caring for another human being was, the least to say, deficient in the environment I grew up in. So as a young adult I had quite a lot to learn about normal human interactions that most people pick up on as kids, if they grow in a healthy emotional environment. My way to deal with this was to be quiet and observant in situations that felt strange to me; and to bring myself regularly into such situations.

So my philosophy about love being non-existent included not only romantic love but all kinds of true caring of one another. I had very little experience about that and somehow the teenage years were so rough that the few good memories little by little faded away.

But, there came time when love came back to me in a recognizable form. That was platonic love within a tight circle of friends. We really and truly loved each other and that was the first time ever I felt loved. So obviously love did exist, in the end! From that point on I have been in the search of love and in the search of my true personality - I realized that I could not possibly know who I am before I was loved. People can only blossom in a loving, caring and accepting environment.

To me polyamory was the most natural thing. I was so starved of love that there was no way I would deny myself any of it that might ever come along. Also, at a point in my life all the connection with my parents and most of my biological family was totally cut off so I needed to build up a support network. Not totally from zero, but anyway. A strictly monogamous relationship was not an option to me; I would never count on any one person to provide all my emotional needs. And I needed freedom: freedom to meet people, learn about them and more importantly about myself as well as let those new relationships develop in their natural course.
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Old 07-04-2013, 02:56 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I would never count on any one person to provide all my emotional needs. And I needed freedom: freedom to meet people, learn about them and more importantly about myself as well as let those new relationships develop in their natural course.
Yes and yes and yes! My time of "no such thing as romantic love" (thankfully, I never had to experience the absence of other types of love - familial, fraternal, etc. - that you felt) was a period of growth. Letting relationships "develop in their natural course" was a key lesson of this period.

I'm sorry (in the sympathy, rather than empathy, sense) that you missed out on the parental love part of the equation - I feel that you are right, if you didn't get it when you needed it, it is unlikely that you will "find" a replacement at this date - this saddens me; that we can never make up for the insufficiency of others that should have been responsible for us - in our own lives, or in the lives of others. I see this regularly in my relationship with Dude, I can't replace the love that he never got from his bio-family. The fact that he is now part of MY "chosen-family" does not fully mitigate the fact that he was mistreated/rejected by the majority of his "bio-family" - I can only offer my chosen family (and my bio-family, which is pretty awesome) as a "next-best".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
T A strictly monogamous relationship was not an option to me;
For me as well. Different reasons, different history...similar outcome.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #5  
Old 07-05-2013, 03:21 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Default Time management

Thank you for your kind words, JaneQ! I will come back to this subject later.

Today I have been thinking about something else. I read Freetime’s blog about “Time”, and will now write this lengthy rant about time management in my life here rather than hijack another person’s blog.

As you add a new romantic relationship into your life, it will inevitably take a part of your time. From where you take it, is an interesting question.

I am now some half-year or so into my relationship with Mark. Before that there was only my husband, now these two relationships. And for sure, time management has been different.

I’ll share some of the notifications I have made about what has changed. Already well before Mark entered my life, I had been reducing contact with people that I did not find important enough - with whom there was no deep connection but who would be called acquaintances rather than friends. And the contact with them remain almost non-existent to this day; now I do not have the time nor the interest in keeping the contact.

I stay at Mark’s place every other weekend, otherwise I stay in my and CJ’s home (well, I have spent a couple short holidays at Mark’s so far in addition). This arrangement has made weekends very precious, and actually nowadays all my weekends are booked. Which means that it is difficult to find time for those people in my life that I see irregularly and in the past did meet during weekends. That is, most of my friends - almost all of them live so far that a visit during weeks is not an option.

This has lead to me and CJ doing more things as a couple and gaining more mutual friends. We are both very independent and did not have the urge to get to know each other’s friends when it was only the two of us in the picture. He would go alone to spend time with his friends and I would do the same, and still there was well enough together-time for us. Now, of course during my “Mark-weekends” CJ will often grab the opportunity to meet up with his buddies. But then, when we have together-time, we both appreciate it more than ever before. And, I am much more willing to come with him if he is going somewhere, as I know my time with him is limited. I think this has actually strengthened us as a couple.

As of the problem regarding my own friends - where to find time for them? Well, me and Mark have been inviting them to visit our home in the country. So far none of them have had time or possibility to come over, but maybe one day... Visits would be easier at Mark’s because he is more social and less introverted than CJ, and the house is nice and big, and offers more privacy for guests if they stay overnight.

Up until now my two relationships have been totally separate. Now CJ has agreed to meeting Mark, which is something both me and Mark have been wishing for. They have not met yet, and no date has been set for the meeting. CJ wants it to happen when he is otherwise calm and relaxed - at the moment some work-related issues are taking too much of his energy. This is something I am very much looking forward to and excited about. It will be interesting to see how much the meeting will change things - time-management-wise and else.
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  #6  
Old 07-07-2013, 10:25 AM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Default About security and insecurity, jealousy and freedom

I feel very secure about the love of both my partners. It has been so for most of the time in both relationships, the moments of insecurity have been short and due to some misunderstandings. Jealousy is something I have never experienced myself.

Both my guys have had their share of both insecurity and jealousy within our relationship. It has been a tough one to try to reassure them about my love and commitment, especially since I cannot relate to how it is to feel such things and when to me it seems totally illogical and unnecessary. Guess I have managed somehow, though, since they both still want to be with me.

Here on these forums (and elsewhere in life and online) I read often about fear of losing a partner. Especially fear of losing them to someone else. This is definitely something I have never experienced in my life. Those moments of insecurity that I mentioned earlier have been more like “OMG didn’t I communicate clearly enough what I meant, has this relationship been built on false premises altogether??!!” Some more communication and issue cleared. To me, it has even on those moments been clear that I stay true to myself rather that stay in a relationship that does not let me do that. Luckily, these two relationships that I have now are good and solid enough for me to feel safe and appreciated as the person I am.

I do not understand the whole point of losing a loved one to someone else. Guess I am so poly throughout that it does not make sense to me whatsoever that you would leave your loved one just because you fell for another person, too. Or, on the other hand: why stay in such a relationship that is so easily replaceable? I only stay with my partners because they are so very special to me and I know for sure that I will not find anything better no matter how hard I’d search. This is what I expect of my partners as well; that they stay with me because they want to from the bottom of their hearts. If they ever find out that they’d rather not stay with me, I am willing to let them go. Not without huge heartache, but anyway. They need to be as free as I am to make choices regarding their own lives.
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  #7  
Old 07-12-2013, 01:49 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Smile

It is tomorrow. The Day. Me and CJ are going to visit Mark together. #Excited #Nervous #ButterfliesInTheStomach
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  #8  
Old 07-15-2013, 06:21 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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So we met all three of us for the first time. The guys met each other for the first time. It could not have gone better: they got along instantly, had a lot to talk about, were polite and nice towards each other and me... The weather was perfect, we had some nice food... And obviously this meeting gave us all some food for thought.

I myself was so happy to see both my loves in the same space, enjoying themselves. Jeez, I love them soooo It was harmonious, peaceful, beautiful. Definitely one of the best moments of my life.

The guys both have been thinking afterwards. To them this was the first time the poly-ness of this situation was really realized. Until now it had been somewhat abstract to both of them... It was just me shuttling between these two destinations and being all the time absent to one of them. Now they saw the other reality of my life that they did not know before.

CJ showed real interest in the projects me and Mark have in the garden and in and around the property. Not like he would want to be involved but more than just general politeness. He told me he enjoyed Mark’s company and found it easy to talk with him about basically everything and anything. More than that he has not told me, but he will... it takes time to process.

Mark, on the other hand, has had a lot going through his head - and he already told me some of it. He wants to make some more detailed plans considering our future and wants to include CJ in the planning. Not rushing to anything, but anyway. I find this a good idea, that we should have three-way negotiations: sit down all three of us and discuss things that are important. And, it would be a good idea to start it before there are any problems and make it a routine.

This is not the first time I find my mono lover be more poly-minded than many people who call themselves poly. He was talking about both him and CJ getting their needs met, as well as me not getting exhausted in the pressure of having two partners. Meaning that they should and will take care of me and have my needs met. I sensed that Mark actually has some wishes (either wants or needs) that he has not dared to express yet, and is planning to address them when he gets the opportunity. And, as far as I know, he has not been reading any poly-related books or websites or anything. This leads me to think that managing poly relationships you do not need more than general good communication skills and some emotional IQ.
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Last edited by Nadya; 07-16-2013 at 02:57 AM.
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  #9  
Old 07-28-2013, 02:02 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I'm sorry (in the sympathy, rather than empathy, sense) that you missed out on the parental love part of the equation - I feel that you are right, if you didn't get it when you needed it, it is unlikely that you will "find" a replacement at this date - this saddens me; that we can never make up for the insufficiency of others that should have been responsible for us - in our own lives, or in the lives of others. I see this regularly in my relationship with Dude, I can't replace the love that he never got from his bio-family. The fact that he is now part of MY "chosen-family" does not fully mitigate the fact that he was mistreated/rejected by the majority of his "bio-family" - I can only offer my chosen family (and my bio-family, which is pretty awesome) as a "next-best".
Now is finally the time to get back to this. It is a difficult subject to put into words... it is so deep inside.

The child I once was did not get everything it needed, that is a fact. Nothing can change that fact, it is part of my personal history and always will be. Then, there is something called “the inner child” in us - we carry it with us all the time. Now as an adult I myself can care for and love my inner child, and it is my responsibility to do that. No one else is able to really cure and fix things with my inner child, only I can do that.

I think we can take responsibility of our own lives and kind of make up for what we did not get as children. Nothing ever will fully mitigate the early experiences that we had, but we can grow as a person and be happy despite of it.

Then there is the adult love between romantic partners... I think both my partners are absolutely the best and most wonderful people on this earth. My partners love the adult me, and so they should. The love they pour to me makes it easier for me to love my inner child - and that is my job. Of course at times my partners do get a glimpse of my inner child, but really they cannot touch it. Still, what they have to offer is by no means “next-best” - it is exactly what I need at this moment.

Trying to say here that... JaneQ, you most likely are the very best for your partner, too.
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  #10  
Old 11-04-2013, 12:42 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Default Being private about poly

Lately I have noticed a slightly twisted satisfaction inside me… About my poly life, and how I keep it private. This especially at work. Somehow it is a very nice feeling that I have something wonderful and good in my life, and no one really needs to know.

This good feeling has developed only after I got over the fear of maybe one day being “outed” at work. If my poly life gets out in the open, fine. I can handle all the reactions - even if they’d be negative, my world won’t go down with them. So I guess I am now as much “out” as I need to be.

My true friends all know about us, and some of them have met Mark and visited my other home. I have gotten one party invitation that included me plus two. I went to that party with CJ only, due to our timetables. But I have to say it felt good that we were all invited So, nowadays in my private life I am openly poly, but keep my private life separate from my professional life.
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