Feeling conflicted and excited and needing to spill my guts
Hey all... This is mostly a rant to get this all off of my chest.
Backstory: Before I was in my current constellation of relationships, I was the vee in a really ugly, impossible triad. I had two partners, J and A. J and I had been monogamous for two years beforehand-- I was crazy about him and going crazy trying to be mono. It just isn't a style that works for me, and there was no way for me to keep doing it with my morals intact. We opened up, extremely reluctantly on his part, and I started dating A. A was absolutely wonderful. He had no experience with women, so J's request that we go slowly made sense for us all at first. I kept hoping J would see that it was working and I still loved him and let us keep opening up, but that never happened. Two and a half years later, I left both of them over the course of six months because the whole thing was unhealthy.
Then I started dating K, who's always been poly, and everything felt right. He and I got engaged and I started dating Z. Now we're in a wonderful, healthy vee of primaries, all living together with a bunch of housemates and everything's pretty stable-- sort of.
Z doesn't have much experience being poly-- hadn't even occurred to him to try it before he got with me. The way he explains it is that he agrees in his head that poly is wonderful and makes sense, but his heart is having trouble catching up. I've had some tertiary relationships and a rocky secondary one, some from before Z entered the picture and some from after, and we've had to do a lot of emotional processing together to get through that.
(((ASIDE: I use numerical labels on here as a shorthand, because it's easier than giving a paragraph on each dynamic. They're descriptive, not prescriptive. I know that's a controversial topic on this forum right now, and I'm not using these labels to get involved or take a side. Thanks for understanding.)))
Meanwhile, three years after A and I broke up, he and I have started getting back in touch. It was very sporadic and random at first, checking in with each other to get access to music or books in the other's possession (we share lots of niche hobbies, it was how we became friends). I confessed to him while tipsy a couple of months ago that I'm still crazy about him and feel awful about the breakup. He was cautious emotionally in replying, but we kept calling each other. We'd both moved since the breakup into nearby cities, and so we began talking about a visit.
A month ago, I put up a note on facebook for all of my friends, saying that my house is looking for a few new members to replace people leaving this summer/fall. He expressed interest-- turns out his lease ends in June, same time one of my housemates is moving out, and he's really looking for a change.
I told Z all this (in an ongoing way, not all at once), and he started freaking out. (Meanwhile, K wouldn't care if I started dating his mother!) He's feeling jealous and scared of losing me. I reassure Z the best I can, but the landscape keeps changing. I'm not sure how A feels about me, if he's interested, or if he's serious about moving.
A came up and visited this week, and it felt right. It was like we hadn't broken up and spent three years apart, but were just carrying on. Needless to say, Z is wigging out.
Between all of our work schedules, A isn't sure he can come up and visit again before June. It's fallen to Z to decide whether he's comfortable with A moving in. (Mind you, there's ten of us, it's a big house, but still...) Everything feels so up in the air.
Now: Z's wigging out, I'm wigging out, and A's life is hanging in the balance. (Is he moving? Is he quitting his job and hunting for a new one? What's he telling his current roommates?) Do I have room for another primary? Would it be possible for A and I to start up again without becoming primaries, at least until we get back on our feet together? If Z really can't handle this, can I say no? In short, I'm screwed. ::deep breath::
If you've got questions, comments, advice, anything... I'll take it. Thanks.
"I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms." - Chasing Amy
|insecurity, nre, primary, questions, sharing|