Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #291  
Old 11-03-2013, 05:42 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 10,943
Default

I have a personal rule about honesty: If your spider sense ever tingles because you're "dating" a con artist (no matter how sophisticated they are) ... run, run run!
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #292  
Old 11-03-2013, 07:58 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,365
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I have a personal rule about honesty: If your spider sense ever tingles because you're "dating" a con artist (no matter how sophisticated they are) ... run, run run!
Oh, absolutely. Personal rules are another matter altogether. But relationship rules about honesty are pointless. Either you're both already honest, and then you don't need a rule, or else one of you is dishonest, in which case the rule is agreed to under false pretense.
__________________
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
—bisexualbaker
Reply With Quote
  #293  
Old 11-03-2013, 08:13 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

As I said in another thread recently, I do expect my partner to be forthcoming as well as honest. Honest is quite a subjective word and leaves room for miscommunication/loopholes.
Reply With Quote
  #294  
Old 11-03-2013, 08:28 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,365
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
As I said in another thread recently, I do expect my partner to be forthcoming as well as honest. Honest is quite a subjective word and leaves room for miscommunication/loopholes.
Isn't forthcoming subjective as well? At what point does your expectation of disclosure override another's expectation of privacy?

I've made a point of discussing with each of my partners precisely what they mean by honesty. We've discussed what types of things we feel a need to know, and what types of things are acceptable to remain private. Because I know my partners well, I feel confident that I know what they need to know and what I can keep to myself. I believe that they know this of me, as well.

I think it's important to have that conversation with every partner, no matter how serious the relationship. Everyone has their own sense of "honesty." I don't believe in full disclosure, I think people are entitled to some privacy, no matter how close and intimate we are. At the same time, intimacy requires trust and confidence that you will be told things that are relevant to your own life. Each couple has their own balance between the two, and what matters most is that they agree on the boundaries.
__________________
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
—bisexualbaker
Reply With Quote
  #295  
Old 11-03-2013, 08:35 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Forthcoming to me means that you "come forth" with information rather than wait to be asked and tell the truth. My rule for disclosure is that I want to know about things that are going to be game changes. Things that will affect how or when we interact. I think I'm entitled to know that sort of thing ASAP. I do tend to.share more than that though because we gossip.
Reply With Quote
  #296  
Old 11-03-2013, 08:36 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,433
Default

I understand that "honesty" as a general statement might seem like a useless rule (although it really depends what you mean by rule. If you mean principles you live by, then it's a great one) but more specific things like "I would like to know you're interested in someone before you act on it" or "Please let me know when you're not going to be home for the night" can make a lot of sense, because if you don't state these things, the other person might never know you wanted it, and they won't tell you these things, not out of dishonesty, but because they don't think about it.

Even if something seems obvious, I find it's a good idea to talk about it. Some people want to be told some things specifically, some people want NOT to be told some things specifically. If you don't know what these things are, you might hurt each other accidentally.
Reply With Quote
  #297  
Old 11-03-2013, 10:39 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 10,943
Default

So ... we need more specifics when we say the word "honesty" then, yes?

My brother-husband *definitely* wouldn't want to know what I and his wife do "behind closed doors," for example. Silence, in that case, is not "dishonesty," it's just respecting the other partner's "DADT comfort zone." Just sayin' ...
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #298  
Old 11-15-2013, 04:43 PM
SilverSprings's Avatar
SilverSprings SilverSprings is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 23
Default Setting boundaries in a open relationship

My boyfriend and I have decided to outline some boundaries and allow me to play and have light dating with girls outside our relationship (some of you may remember me). I outlined a few points and questions to Frank my bf, and were kind of negotiating right now, and his question is: what if rules are broken? It does raise a good question- what if I do violate the rules for whatever reason, is it good to have some kind of "punishment" or whatever in place? Or is it best to just wing it? I mean, I said that if rules are broken, depending on the degree, it could be anywhere from cheating to a misunderstanding. so- I am just wondering how you all handle this issue?

Thank you.
Reply With Quote
  #299  
Old 11-15-2013, 06:51 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510
Default

We address broken boundaries as cheating with grave consequences such as "goodbye".

We don't have punishments.
The thing with breaking boundaries is-it is breaking trust. Period.
If you destroy trust-you destroy the relationship.

ALWAYS ALWAYS better to re-negotiate.
NEVER NEVER break agreed to limits.
Period.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #300  
Old 11-15-2013, 07:09 PM
Spock Spock is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: East Bay California
Posts: 134
Default

I think the difference between breaking a rule, and not, is a phone call.

"Hey, we had agreed to X, but now I want to do Y, is that okay?"

It's really no different than, "We had agreed to a budget of $10 for lunch per day, but today I felt like having a steak, can I spend $25 instead?"

Then there is the negotiating; "I'll cook tonight and bring in leftovers tomorrow to cover the difference, and I'll make your favorite chili too."

Or, "Okay, I guess I'll just skip the steak if we can't afford it this week."
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, boundary negotiation, boundary pushing, boundary setting, broken agreements, dating, guidelines, jealousy, managing relationships, negotiation, poly, primary, rules, rules vs boundaries, secondary, trust issues, veto

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:38 AM.