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  #21  
Old 10-15-2013, 01:20 AM
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First-I suggest finding a local poly community and making some friends. Just meet people on the basis of making friends.

Because poly women are still women and when a man comes on too strong it reeks of "he just wants to fuck and once he gets a piece of ass he's out of here". Not sexy if that isn't what you are looking for.

Second-Understand and really accept INSIDE of yourself-that just because there are lots of men who will take the chance because they want to get their dick wet-doesn't mean that women have more "WORTH WHILE opportunities for relationships". It does mean we get more guys offering-but most of them aren't worth our time.

Third-Don't try to date "outside of your pool". Meaning-if you are looking for women who are up to poly-you need to be meeting women you already know are open-minded in that arena. If you chase through the mono pool-which is MUCH LARGER you will spend a lot more time getting the "fuck you" reactions. Because a MAJOR criteria for having a relationship with you-is already in the way. It would be like going to a gay bar looking for a girlfriend. You won't get far. There likely are some straight women there-but MOST of them are not.
Does that make sense?
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  #22  
Old 10-15-2013, 05:42 AM
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Quote:
"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index...57394#msg57394
Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.
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  #23  
Old 10-15-2013, 07:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zampana View Post
Maybe it's just the women I've been meeting, but I find the opposite to be true - most women, if they're available and looking, seem to want to know that there's a commitment, that the man they're going to invest in will be willing to take it to the next level or whatever. I don't know. Maybe I'm just impatient? But her out there and having the time of my life and me at home trying to figure out how to progress my own trip is pushing very deep painful buttons.

Does this resonate with anyone or is it just my current circumstances/world view? Is it just me? Am I being impatient? Maybe I'm trying to hard. Maybe the universe wants me to be alone for the first stage of this so that I can fully deal with my envy and jealous and not hide from it in another relationship?
I got dumped once because I told the guy I didn't see us getting married one day. He said he couldn't be with someone if there wasn't at least the possibility of getting married, and preferably we should be actively moving toward that goal.

Your sentiment doesn't resonate with me, I've heard the exact same story from women who are having trouble meeting men, but their husbands have lots of successful dates.

Meeting people and dating are skills like any other. Some people are naturally better at them, some people get better by practicing, and some people are just always hopeless at it.

p.s. I haven't experienced Vancouver as being notoriously difficult to meet people in. All the times I've been there, I've met people without even trying, and I'm not even good at meeting people. You should spend the winter in Saskatchewan and then we'll chat about how hard it is to meet poly people.
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  #24  
Old 11-03-2013, 05:23 AM
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Hey Zampana.

I just want to say that I totally feel your pain.

I am a (mostly) hetero male, and I've been poly for about 3 years. I've been in a really solid, loving relationship for two years now. In that time, my partner has gone on countless dates and racked up about 15 sexual partners. I've had two dates and one sexual encounter, and been rejected more times than I care to remember. That's a repeating pattern from previous poly relationships, as well, and I've seen it in every other poly partnership I'm aware of. It's brutal on our egos.

However, as someone mentioned, that pattern holds true for monogamous folks as well. When I was mono, I'd break up with someone and then end up lonely and involuntarily celibate while my ex-partner slept with the local baseball team. And it sucked just as bad. Actually, it was a lot worse, because I didn't have the tools then to deal with my jealousy.

The quality / quantity issue definitely holds true. Despite her active dating life, my partner has been no more successful than I have at finding other partners. She's probably having more fun than I am, but that's just one of the rare perks of being a woman.

I don't know what to tell you except masturbate a lot, and cultivate close friendships and hobbies. And you're not alone.
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  #25  
Old 11-03-2013, 05:52 PM
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I think.that personality also plays a huge part. N seems to be able to make friends wherever he goes. I'm more selective than he is. Hes been extremely active these past 5 years and has many lovers where I've only had a few (mostly women) he and J have been together for over a year where I haven't had any long term relationships.

He hasn't seemed to have any issues finding women to.date (they usually stick around until they find a boyfriend) where moat guys that I have found myself liking aren't poly and def not interested in dating a married woman. The guys that are cool.with poly always have something wrong with them.
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  #26  
Old 11-03-2013, 08:54 PM
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Interesting alternative perspective. Would you say you get a lot of offers, but not just from guys who seem very with-it? I admit, hearing about guys who are scared to date a married woman sounds like a reversal on the stories I usually hear.

During the short time that I and the "hinge lady" of my V were active on OKCupid, she used to get a *lot* of offers for one-night stands from guys who would send her "TMI" pics of their "great physiques" and stuff -- definitely not what my lady had in mind. Whereas I exchanged some personal messages with a few women who seemed to be okay with talking to me, but pretty clearly weren't interested in going any further than that.

Re:
Quote:
"The guys that are cool with poly always have something wrong with them."
I'm a curious fellow; would I be prying if I inquired about what sorts of undesirable traits or circumstances these "poly guys" had about them?
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  #27  
Old 11-03-2013, 09:12 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
hearing about guys who are scared to date a married woman sounds like a reversal on the stories I usually hear.
Scared or not interested? There are some very practical reasons NOT to date a married person. It doesn't mean someone is scared.
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  #28  
Old 11-03-2013, 10:31 PM
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Oh, I see that "not interested" was also the phrase that Inyourendo used. Heh okay, let's just say that in my own personal experience, I've encountered a few who were not interested in the idea, and a lot who were -- not even scared -- offended would actually be a better word. I can't tell you how many times I was assumed (with crystal clear verbal confirmation) to be a cheating sleazebag. Admittedly that was before I found OKCupid (although that's a whole other story).

Well at the very least I can see why someone wouldn't want to become an "established couple's hot bi babe." Still a reversal on the stories I usually hear though, it's usually the married man who inspires the disinterest in the person he's propositioning. Which is exactly why seeing the different angle on things caught my interest.
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  #29  
Old 11-04-2013, 08:27 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post

I'm a curious fellow; would I be prying if I inquired about what sorts of undesirable traits or circumstances these "poly guys" had about them?
Well my okcupid profile doesnt have sexy pics. it also doesnt have anything of a sexual nature on it. so i dont get a lot of guys wanting casual sex messaging me. I also never respond to generic messages or anything commenting on my looks. so maybe that is a good way to weed out guys like that.

its important to me that they guys I date have money to go out (I always go dutch and like to go out and do stuff like dinners, movies, bowling etc), a way to get there (i dont mine picking up one in awhile but I dont want to be someone's taxi), can host (i prefer not bringing someone to my home until i have known them a long time. it's more ideal that I spend the night somewhere else than displace someone in my home), and dont have any major mental problems.

One guy i was talking to seemed very much like a downer (depression issues), he sounded desperate for love at age 28 had never had a girlfriend. he did live on his own but was always stressed about not making the next months rent. he didn't have a car or money to go out.

another guy has aspergers(not there there is anything wrong with this, but this guy seems to have no control over the things he says or does) and was homeless. he was able to rent a room with his student loan money but he makes a lot of bad choices and is frequently in trouble with the law. he also smokes which is a turn off for me.

one guy really was desperate for a unicorn but she would be in the closet and only allowed over when his daughter wasn't there or after she went to bed. he seemed to have a lot of self esteem issues about his weight.

one guy has a job but no goals to do anything more than get high and work part time at mcdonalds. he does not have a car, cant have company over (lives with his mom) very nice but does not have any friends (social problems) and also way too passive

one guy lives with his girlfriend, her boyfriend and husband and their kids. hes immature where he thinks he knows everything and was very presumptuous about me which i did not like. he has an apartment in their house, he has a job, a car, is fairly responsible. I just don't like his domineering attitude or the mind games he plays. i think he and i are just fundamentally too much alike to make it work. we both want to be the one in charge in a relationship.
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  #30  
Old 11-05-2013, 05:27 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Still more guys than I've had :P

I haven't had much luck either, but I'm picky. I take a while to be willing to give someone a try, and the few I have asked in the past few years have all said no. My husband (boyfriend at the time) had more "luck" from a certain point of view, in that he had date and sex, but we ended up at the same point: with no long term partners aside of each other.
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