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  #171  
Old 10-25-2013, 10:24 PM
AllTheLove AllTheLove is offline
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My primary partner and I have three rules:
1. Honesty. Above all things.
2. Safe sex. Condoms with everyone other than each other. (We have a daughter and are trying for a new baby. )
3. If one of us is extremely uncomfortable with a sexual situation, we reserve the right to "veto" it. (Neither of us has ever used this power.)
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  #172  
Old 11-02-2013, 06:47 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I'm always confused when I see people report a "rule" about honesty. It seems contradictory.

If you've established a mutual desire for honesty, then a rule about it is superfluous. However, if you've found yourself in a situation where honesty is not mutually respected, then implementing a rule will only produce more opportunities for honesty to be violated.
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #173  
Old 11-03-2013, 05:42 AM
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I have a personal rule about honesty: If your spider sense ever tingles because you're "dating" a con artist (no matter how sophisticated they are) ... run, run run!
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  #174  
Old 11-03-2013, 07:58 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I have a personal rule about honesty: If your spider sense ever tingles because you're "dating" a con artist (no matter how sophisticated they are) ... run, run run!
Oh, absolutely. Personal rules are another matter altogether. But relationship rules about honesty are pointless. Either you're both already honest, and then you don't need a rule, or else one of you is dishonest, in which case the rule is agreed to under false pretense.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #175  
Old 11-03-2013, 08:13 AM
london london is offline
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As I said in another thread recently, I do expect my partner to be forthcoming as well as honest. Honest is quite a subjective word and leaves room for miscommunication/loopholes.
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  #176  
Old 11-03-2013, 08:28 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
As I said in another thread recently, I do expect my partner to be forthcoming as well as honest. Honest is quite a subjective word and leaves room for miscommunication/loopholes.
Isn't forthcoming subjective as well? At what point does your expectation of disclosure override another's expectation of privacy?

I've made a point of discussing with each of my partners precisely what they mean by honesty. We've discussed what types of things we feel a need to know, and what types of things are acceptable to remain private. Because I know my partners well, I feel confident that I know what they need to know and what I can keep to myself. I believe that they know this of me, as well.

I think it's important to have that conversation with every partner, no matter how serious the relationship. Everyone has their own sense of "honesty." I don't believe in full disclosure, I think people are entitled to some privacy, no matter how close and intimate we are. At the same time, intimacy requires trust and confidence that you will be told things that are relevant to your own life. Each couple has their own balance between the two, and what matters most is that they agree on the boundaries.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #177  
Old 11-03-2013, 08:35 AM
london london is offline
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Forthcoming to me means that you "come forth" with information rather than wait to be asked and tell the truth. My rule for disclosure is that I want to know about things that are going to be game changes. Things that will affect how or when we interact. I think I'm entitled to know that sort of thing ASAP. I do tend to.share more than that though because we gossip.
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  #178  
Old 11-03-2013, 08:36 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I understand that "honesty" as a general statement might seem like a useless rule (although it really depends what you mean by rule. If you mean principles you live by, then it's a great one) but more specific things like "I would like to know you're interested in someone before you act on it" or "Please let me know when you're not going to be home for the night" can make a lot of sense, because if you don't state these things, the other person might never know you wanted it, and they won't tell you these things, not out of dishonesty, but because they don't think about it.

Even if something seems obvious, I find it's a good idea to talk about it. Some people want to be told some things specifically, some people want NOT to be told some things specifically. If you don't know what these things are, you might hurt each other accidentally.
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  #179  
Old 11-03-2013, 10:39 PM
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So ... we need more specifics when we say the word "honesty" then, yes?

My brother-husband *definitely* wouldn't want to know what I and his wife do "behind closed doors," for example. Silence, in that case, is not "dishonesty," it's just respecting the other partner's "DADT comfort zone." Just sayin' ...
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  #180  
Old 11-15-2013, 04:43 PM
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SilverSprings SilverSprings is offline
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Default Setting boundaries in a open relationship

My boyfriend and I have decided to outline some boundaries and allow me to play and have light dating with girls outside our relationship (some of you may remember me). I outlined a few points and questions to Frank my bf, and were kind of negotiating right now, and his question is: what if rules are broken? It does raise a good question- what if I do violate the rules for whatever reason, is it good to have some kind of "punishment" or whatever in place? Or is it best to just wing it? I mean, I said that if rules are broken, depending on the degree, it could be anywhere from cheating to a misunderstanding. so- I am just wondering how you all handle this issue?

Thank you.
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