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  #691  
Old 11-02-2013, 01:20 PM
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There is a change in the air. I have found that I, too, am no longer holding back. It feels great.

I am owning every thought that has crossed my mind, and I am standing by them. I have come to realise that I am over Si. I never grieve for those that are alive, so my grieving was more along the lines of self-introspection and improving on my weaknesses. I have come to realise that our relationship was over long before we ended it in March. It transitioned to non-sexual after my daughter's birth, and it happened a hand full of times. Like count on one hand from December 2007-2013. The last time being in 2012. The well had dried up. My heart was out of it, and my desire for her faded when that happened. Her libido was not ridiculously high, so if we missed it, no big deal to me. I am sure it mattered to her because I was her only partner and only source of sexual release. Tragic flaw.

I have come to realise that I hated what our relationship turned in to because it no longer brought me joy. I had myself fooled in thinking I was happy with two primary partners and subsequent entanglements. The reality is she and I had agreed that was never going to be something that would work. We knew it because it never felt right, and we should have stuck with that. The minute she decided that she needed more from me and less from others was where it went wrong. I had no say in her dropping all of her partners and focusing all energy on me. We were incompatible in what we wanted and saw for the future. I went against my own boundaries because I did not want to hurt her, but the fact is, I was uncomfortable with her being in that role. I struggled immensely, and I was able to avoid it and put it on the back burner because I was pregnant, preparing for my daughter's birth, and taking care of her after. Our therapist firmly believes I never wanted to share those moments with her, but I did it out several things like obligation, guilt, lack of romantic love, and to avoid hurting her. I just felt like I would have been the bitch of a lifetime if I had told her, "No, I do not want you involved in my care. No, I do not want you to be there for all the milestones like the first heartbeat or sonogram." When push came to shove, how I really felt about the changes shined when I was admitted in to the maternity ward. I knew the hospital had a limit, and I wanted Matt and my mum. Si was not on the short list of labour support. The third spot would have went to my grandmother. She met my daughter after she was born--with the rest of family and friends. She was not allowed in recovery either, as they had a strict policy about just the parents and the baby for bonding. I could have fought against that, but I did no such thing.

She had this fantasy of having me to herself, and she never let it go. She was okay with me hurting and losing my husband if it meant her fantasy could come true. Subconsciously I knew that, but I had to be in doubt. I have forgiven her, and I am moving forward.

I have come to the realisation that I should have let her go when I realised I was no longer in love with her and could not be there for her or love her the way she wanted me to love her. The sad reality is I no longer had the heart to do it. Sometimes it is hard to let go when you care about someone and do not want to hurt them.

All of this sounds cold, but it is what I always felt. I never wanted to own all of this because it sounds bloody awful. I once said it feels like I am standing in a room covered in mirrors and facing myself with every turn. Tis true. I should have paid attention to my actions and behaviour around her. They spoke volumes and were the opposite of what my head, heart, and mouth were saying. My head was saying, "This shit is NOT what I want." My heart was saying, "I have reached capacity, and Si is not in there." My mouth was saying, "I love you," but my actions were saying, "...as a friend and companion." I should not have granted her parental rights when I knew I was not even okay with it my damn self.

In my heart, I think I wanted to make it work so bad that I was willing to step over my own boundaries and create a new definition for "ever after." Not happily ever after. I tricked myself in to believing an interdependent model was what I wanted when it could not have been more opposite than my original vision. This is why I have adapted to these changes with ease. It feels like it did the first eight years, which were the happiest and most content years for us. Only difference is there is no one but him loving me down.
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  #692  
Old 11-03-2013, 05:23 AM
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I know you had to step away from Si. I think I knew it was going to have to happen, from the first time you posted. Matt's posts made it all the more clear: Keeping Si around was never going to be an option.

I think you feel you have more freedom now, and more time and opportunity to get right in the midst of your family and there remain, no interruptions or competition.

They always equate poly with freedom. But sometimes "less is more."
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  #693  
Old 11-04-2013, 02:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I know you had to step away from Si. I think I knew it was going to have to happen, from the first time you posted. Matt's posts made it all the more clear: Keeping Si around was never going to be an option.

I think you feel you have more freedom now, and more time and opportunity to get right in the midst of your family and there remain, no interruptions or competition.

They always equate poly with freedom. But sometimes "less is more."
This. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was when I walked through the airport and saw my family. My little guy ran in to my arms and gave me the biggest hug. My daughter told me how much she missed me. She talked my head off on the way home, but it was good. Matt understands that October was difficult, and he is not expecting me to make up the lost time. He just kissed me and told me, "It is good to have you home." If it was like it was before, I would have been like, "I have not seen my children since this date, and I want to spend time with them individually and get family time in. I have not seen Matt since last Monday, so we need to squeeze some time in. I have not seen Si since x date, so I need to set time aside and see her." My children have been clinging to me since I got back.

Before, all of them would have been vying for my attention and wanting to spend time with me, and it would have been overwhelming because someone was going to be left disappointed. Now? I feel free. I am attending the Emirates Cup Parade with my children, Matt, and Nanny J. We are having a late lunch when we leave here. Matt and Nanny J are taking my son home for his nap. I am taking my daughter to get frozen yoghurt and going to the park for our daily bonding. By the time my son wakes up, I will be home, and I am going to spend time with him. We are considering going to Mass at 6 or 6:30, too. Matt and I are cooking dinner together. After dinner and the bedtime routine, we have a date. Easy as pie.

I loved my ex, but I am happy to be relieved of the pressure that came with having a second co-primary. I am looking at the rest of my day and wondering, "If I was still with Si, what would I have to cut back on to fit her in to this day?" I hope this does not sound bad, but if I was still with her, I would not be able to sacrifice any of it.

So, yes. You are right. I had to step away from her. I am confident that I made the best decision on my own.
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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 11-04-2013 at 02:22 AM.
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  #694  
Old 11-04-2013, 03:00 AM
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Home sweet home.

If I do not see the inside of plane--private or commercial--until next year, that is fine by me. I am grounding myself. I am tired of travelling.

The good news is Christmas is being celebrated here. I should be bummed about not getting that white and cold Christmas, but if it means no travelling for me, I am okay with that. I will happily celebrate Christmas with warm-hot weather because Christmas falls in summer for us. My family, friends, in-laws, etc. will all be here for Christmas. First Christmas in our new home. Everything is set. My parents will be arriving the first week of December because they want to attend my daughter's recitals on the 7th. I am glad I travelled privately because I was not up for layovers and prolonging the trip. I was in pyjamas and rollers the entire flight. 18 hours and 35 minutes. That is a brutal trip. I took an extended release sleeping pill, so I was sleep for most of the flight. I timed it so that I would wake up close to the local morning time. I beat jet-lag, so it worked.

DH and I are going on a couple's retreat from 1st December to the 7th. Our therapist thinks we could benefit from it, and we have decided we are going to go. Fortunately, it is located about 1.5 away from our home. There are certain mornings where we have to be here, so our therapist and her team are working with us. Our daughter's graduation and bump up ceremony are on the 6th December, and we are not missing that. We are still working out the kinks schedule wise.

This retreat is different as will be a tailored to suit our needs as opposed to one-size fits all. Our therapist and her team are behind this, so we feel comfortable. Trust is obviously still a work in progress. Our retreat counselling team will consist of a psychologist, a psychotherapist, and a marriage counsellor, and we will having joint sessions/skill building/couples activities with them from 10-1 every day. We will also be partaking in sunrise yoga, couples meditation, individual activities, learning about tantra and building intimacy, daily kinesiology sessions to keep us balanced, centred, focused, and a couples' spa morning and exploration day on our last day at the retreat---solely for relaxation and reflecting.

In addition to all of that, it was advised that we each have individual sessions with the members of our team. Individual sessions will take place from 4-6. From 8-9:45, we will have daily couples' counselling and get daily feedback. Our therapist is particularly keen on seeing how we interact with one another outside of the weekly 75 minute block she spends with us every Friday. I like that is personalised. I am looking forward to this, and I hope it will be a positive step for us.

It has been a rough year, and the emotions have been up and down in all aspects of my life. I want to end the year on a high note. Relationship wise, family wise, and just as a whole. We have been weathering this relationship storm since March, so it is time for something positive to happen in that department. Plus, with two newly widowed relatives in my family, we need to take time away from the day to day and appreciate one another without any distractions or interruptions.

I am proclaiming that 2014 will be better than this year. I cannot speak for anyone else, but damn, I am ready for this year to be over. I am not sure what my romantic life will look like poly wise next year or ever again. I am taking it day by day. I simply do not know, but I know one thing. I am committed to my marriage, and it comes first and above all but God.

I say that because I believe you have to put your marriage before your children. Now, I am not suggesting you ignore what the child needs in favour of a spouse. We do not have a marriage where all we talk about is our children and the love we have for them. We are setting an example by putting our marriage first because this is the first romantic relationship they will be exposed to day in and day out. They need to see a healthy example, and when they leave the nest, we need to have something binding us other than the love we share for our children. We will still have the second half of our lives to live.

I want them to be like me when I say I want a marriage like my parents. They have been married 38 years and together for 41, and they are still so in love and sweet with one another. I found myself thinking, "Aww," when I was watching them over the weekend. Even if poly does become a part of my life again one day, God willing, I have every intention of reaching that level of longevity in my marriage.

I hope everyone is enjoying their morning, afternoon, or evening. Back to family time.
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  #695  
Old 11-04-2013, 06:30 AM
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2014 looks different from 2013 from my viewpoint too; I've made some heavy decisions in a few of my relationships and will be moving (with my V companions) far to the north (Seattle-ish). So, many changes to adapt to, which is always scary, but many good prospects as well.

Seems to me like you have your priorities pretty well in order. I hope your couple's retreat goes superbly.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #696  
Old 11-04-2013, 01:29 PM
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Congrats in advance on the move. Change is scary, but often it is a good decision. Sometimes a change of scenery and new faces does wonders. Plus, if judging by some of the people on the forum, the Seattle area seems to be quiet poly-friendly.

I had my concerns prior to moving, but I have found that I love where we live now. I am still learning and adapting. I discover a hidden gem just about every day. Our neighbours were so welcoming, and they actually check on us and invite us over. This move has definitely been one of our best decisions to date.

I am glad I have my priorities in order. It has made life so much easier.

As always, thank you, Kevin. I am hoping that it will be a positive experience. Our therapist believes in us, so I know she would never set us up for failure.

2013 is still here, but here is to new beginnings and fresh starts in 2014.
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  #697  
Old 11-06-2013, 07:02 AM
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Amen.

Yeppers, Seattle is a "famous poly hub," if you will. Other cities with that reputation: Los Angeles, Austin (Texas), and Boston. Anyway, instead of one poly group to meet up like we have now in Albuquerque, we'll have to choose between, like, six groups in Seattle. So confusing, how will we decide what we like best?

Sounds to me like you have really lucked out in where you wound up. You have a great support system for your marriage, and you and Matt are really giving it your all. Which, by the way, is the best example your kids could ask for, is to be able see that their parents seriously love each other.

2014 will be a good year. We'll have two months to prepare for it and that'll make it even better. And that's my leap of faith for the end of 2013!

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #698  
Old 11-06-2013, 01:28 PM
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I attended my very first Melbourne Cup, and with the bets that I placed, I won big time. I am very competitive, and I love the rush that comes with winning. I also enjoy this feeling when I get the approval code on the more expensive purchases I make. We are not gamblers by any stretch. I had to learn about betting in a few days time. I spent the entire day with Matt, our children, in-laws, and friends. The only sad moment of the day was when an announcement was made about one of the horses being euthanised. During the race, she broke her leg, and I am not sure how they came to the decision to put her down. Her team was really sad and visibly shaken up. That was a bummer, and they held a moment of silence for her. She was a beautiful horse and quite accomplished. Other than that, it was a great day and a very fun experience.

I saw my ex at the racecourse. In between a couple of the races, I stepped out of our box to mingle and socialise with the attendees, and I saw her. I was unsure of how to react to her. She spoke first. Something about it being funny to see me there. she asked if we could talk. I listened and mostly nodded in acknowledgement. She wants to be friends. I have forgiven her for myself. I am considering it, but I have stipulations and boundaries galore. It has to be a controlled friendship because I have seen what she is capable of, and I have to protect my children and husband.

The only reason I am considering this is because without me none of what she did would have been possible. If I had listened to my first mind when it was telling me, "You are on two different paths. You want children. She wants to be childfree. Your relationship was meant to be secondary and not primary." I had doubts because she and I had agreed that the day to day stuff was not going to work for us.

Our V worked so masterfully because of how it was structured. Due to time restraints, her job, her other relationships, and her desire to be primary less, it was easy. She worked overnights from 7p-7a. I used to take lunch from 2-3 or 3-4. In that time, she would usually be awake, so I would have lunch with her and get some QT in. I would go back to work, get off at 6-6:30, which was a bit before or after Matt on some days. By then, she was on her way to work or already there, so he and I had the entire evening to ourselves. We would go on dates, cook dinner together, go to the movies, late night frozen yoghurt runs, and whatever we so desired. She would text or call on her breaks. Usually to say good-night. We would cuddle, make love, or go to bed. I woke up next to him almost every day of those first eight years, and if I did not, it was never because of Si. Our mornings used to look like grabbing breakfast at a local patisserie or cooking breakfast together. He went in to work for 7:30, and I went in for 8:30. Since my ex's flat was closed to my job, I would swing by and see her before work. I sometimes made her breakfast, or we cuddled until she went to sleep. Then, I went to work, and the days pretty much looked the same. I had date nights with her, but I never stayed the night. He has his interests, and I made sure that my dates with her happened on those nights. She knew my marriage came first, and she was fine with that. He never had to see her because their schedules were too opposite, and they did not have the same friends so even crossing paths at weddings, Christenings, birthday parties, etc. was a rarity. Compare this to what it became from 2008 forward. She forced herself into the role of a co-primary

I had to let her know that I was not keen on how she did it. I had never told her because I just recently realised how it felt with that being dumped in my lap. She dropped all of her relationships, and I was expected to meet all of her needs, integrate her into my life, and not worry about anything when we had already agreed that was not for us. She never talked to me about it to gauge my feelings, which meant she never stopped to consider what that meant for my marriage. She apologised for doing that and acknowledged that she it was wrong and inconsiderate.

It was nice to talk to her. She said karma has given a swift kick in the bum. She looks like she has been stressing or dealing with the weight of the world. She has visibly lost weight. We did have a good eight years. Do I let her questionable judgement the last few ruin the good years we had?

I am going to think about this. I am willing to be a long-distance friend to her because I have to keep her at a distance. I have to weigh the pros and cons. I am not going to get burned again, and I am not going to make the same mistakes again. I have talked to DH, and he trusts my judgement and trusts me not to downgrade his importance in my life behind anyone. He has nothing to worry about.

We shall see. I am going to spend some time with my hubby before I head up to bed. I cannot hang with the night roller.
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Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
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  #699  
Old 11-06-2013, 09:32 PM
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IMO - It's too soon to look at rekindling a friendship. Give it more time - think years. It's ok to be polite and friendly when you run into her at a public event, unless you notice that she is at all the same events you are. You said she looks like she is still taking things bad, BEWARE...
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Old 11-06-2013, 11:37 PM
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I wonder if some kind of "email friendship" wouldn't work better for you than an "in-person friendship." That way you could truly keep her at a distance, while still conversing with her and being friendly toward her.

I also wonder if during her first eight years with you, she wasn't perhaps really sincere about the poly dynamic, and maybe it was only from 2008 on that she started to develop her cowgirl mindset.

In any case, your best move is to agree to the kind of friendship that *you'd* feel good about, that your *conscience* would feel good about. Forgiveness is great and friendship is fine, as long as it doesn't involve anyone getting sucked into anyone else's whirlpool. Don't befriend her out of a sense of guilt ("I caused her to become this desperate, clinging person"); instead, do it if and only if you *want* to, and feel sure no harm could come of it.

Everyone played a role in what went wrong post-2008. That's now all part of the past, fixed points in the timeline of history that can't be altered. Yes, the here and now is the *only* place where choices can be made, so choose something that will serve the here and now well.

I know that's awfully generalized prose, but it's meant to respect your freedom and judgment in making the choices that affect your life. I'm just an observer (albeit a friendly one).
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