Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #61  
Old 11-02-2013, 10:25 PM
crackedpleasures crackedpleasures is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Metro DC Area
Posts: 19
Default

To each their own but I'd at least make sure you had that Very spelled out conversation with her. Also re having the conversation I think someone else said you could point her to this thread. You totally could!
__________________
Love. Love is a verb. Love is a doing word, fearless on my breath.
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 11-03-2013, 01:27 AM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 42
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by crackedpleasures View Post
To each their own but I'd at least make sure you had that Very spelled out conversation with her. Also re having the conversation I think someone else said you could point her to this thread. You totally could!
You seem to know what you're talking about. I'll plan on talking with her. In the case that I break it off, would you recommend that I do that with only her, or with both of them present?
Reply With Quote
  #63  
Old 11-03-2013, 01:40 AM
crackedpleasures crackedpleasures is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Metro DC Area
Posts: 19
Default

I actually wouldn't know how to handle that situation and would be a bit uncomfy advising anyone regarding exactly how to break up with someone.
__________________
Love. Love is a verb. Love is a doing word, fearless on my breath.
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 11-03-2013, 01:43 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,222
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
You seem to know what you're talking about. I'll plan on talking with her. In the case that I break it off, would you recommend that I do that with only her, or with both of them present?
Why would break it off with him there? You're not his girlfriend - correct? - so, you wouldn't be breaking up with him. She's the one you're involved with, talk to her alone.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 11-03-2013, 12:47 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,619
Default

It sounds like this just wasn't meant to be... It's odd that she got involved with you deeply, and then pulled back. She sounds less into you than she first was, and she doesn't have the courage to tell you, so she's letting her actions tell you.

And if you really want a wife of your own, you're jealous of "what they have," 2 people, a mono relationship, it sounds to me like you're just torturing yourself.

It would be nice if you could make a respectful clean break. But the way humans are is, if you try and break up, she might then come running back. Only to go back to her old ignoring behaviors a short time later.

I think she's being rather clueless and self involved. Not buying your movie ticket after you bought her dinner, sheesh.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #66  
Old 11-03-2013, 02:30 PM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 42
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
It would be nice if you could make a respectful clean break.
This is exactly what I hope for, should it come to that. I don't want there to be more hard feelings than necessary. I'd like to remain cordial with them, although I seriously doubt it will be possible to remain close friends, under these circumstances.

You are right about torturing myself. There comes a point when you have to be true to yourself, and once I find out if my fears are indeed true, then I will have no choice but to move on. I can't go on like this much longer. I've never even been drunk until I started dealing with this. Now I drink to numb the anxiety. Red flag? Yes. I need to stop this, one way or another, before my emotions spiral more out of control than they already are.

I need to possibly bow out gracefully while a portion of my dignity is still intact.
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 11-03-2013, 03:12 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 732
Default

Okay, the not buying your movie ticket gives me a different picture. There are lots of behaviors that could have other explanations - this is not one of them. Hard to say, well she is preoccupied with the baby or just has her head up her ass and isn't paying attention with that one.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Reply With Quote
  #68  
Old 11-03-2013, 06:21 PM
alibabe_muse's Avatar
alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 346
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
What’s more, is they are actively trying to have a baby. I just recently found this out, and it didn’t feel good for me. (Yes, this makes me feel like a horrible person.) First off, I’ve never wanted kids. Secondly, all I can think about is how he can make a baby for her, and build a family, and have an intimacy that I can never be a part of. Also, I wasn’t aware that they had decided to start trying again. Part of me feels like it’s none of my business, but then part of me feels like she should have talked to me about it.
I had to re-read your OP and caught on to the bolded part. It sounds like prior to your evolving relationship that they had tried to conceive and gave up at some point. Is that what has happened with them?

If that is the case I am not sure why you wouldn't expect them to want children or attempt it again. It sounds like they've been completely open and honest with you about their marriage before you and how they feel after you. And as Dirt said, if it was just you and her, would you be willing to change your feelings about children? Just curious what your answer is. (and I apologize as I have not read beyond Dirt's post if you already answered this).

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 11-03-2013 at 06:25 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #69  
Old 11-03-2013, 06:45 PM
alibabe_muse's Avatar
alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 346
Question

Quote:
Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
Now, for the not so good feels. Here is the stuff that cuts me to the bone. I've had time to reflect, and I think it comes down to this: I fear that I love her more than she loves me. That's the easiest way to put it. Now, let me explain:

Because of my partner's job situation, she spends most of the week with me. Her husband lives three hours away, and is in the process of finding a job. They see each other every weekend: either she goes there, or he comes here and we all three spend the weekend together. I completely understand that she would miss him terribly when they're not together. I totally get that. But they are both so miserable right now, that I feel like there's nothing I can do to help pull her out of the slump. Instead of enjoying the time we have together, she's sad because she misses him, or because of the pregnancy issues, etc. We haven't been having sex nearly as often as we used to. And yes, we've talked about it. Because of some medications, etc, her sex drive isn't as high as it used to be. I believe that, and I'm okay with it. But it's really difficult for me to go 2-3 weeks without sexual intimacy with her, but yet know they're having sex every single time they see each other, because she wants to get pregnant. And when he visits here for the weekend, they're in the next room making love while I'm crying myself to sleep.

And it's not just sex, either. We had a wonderfully strong emotional connection for the first few months of our relationship. I'm sad to say I continue to feel that connection fading as time goes by... not from me, but from her. I know that NRE is definitely an issue here, but I feel just as strongly as I ever have, and I honestly get the feeling she doesn't. I know the only way to know is to ask, so I have. I ask all the time. She continually tells me that she loves the way things are going, that she's still attracted to me, that she wants to continue exploring what we have. But it's like this: I think about her and our relationship all the time. She doesn't seem to do that at all. An example: Last night, we actually went on a date. I was looking forward to it all day long. When I got home from work and asked if she still wanted to go to a movie, she said, "Oh yeah! I forgot. Yes, I still want to go." She forgot. I just don't understand how you can forget about plans that you made with a person you say you love. I just feel like my emotions are one-sided.

I honestly feel like it's one step forward and three steps back for me at this point. I make progress, and then the feeling of rejection hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't know what to do. I know everyone is going to say "talk about it". But I have. From her point of view, everything's peachy, I guess. But actions speak louder than words, and I'm not feeling the love.
Did you not say she's isn't good with expressing her wants and it's been hubby that does most of that etc? I can actually relate to her. She actually sounds like me. I internalize A LOT and am not good about showing how deeply I feel for my husband, not as much as he does for me. I am a very open person but physically I forget to display how I feel. Maybe I take it for granted or maybe I'm just so exhausted from all that is going on with me (I'm dealing with possible thyroid cancer) that I forget PDAs. I'm illustrating me as this could be what type of person she is. Basically...being the one there 24/7 with her, doesn't mean she loves you less or appreciates you less or is taking you for granted, but that she feels at "home" so to speak. Forgetting a date, well, I believe on average husbands in typical mono relationships forget their wives birthday or even anniversary... Point is, if she is on hormone therapy to try to help her conceive (it sounds like they are having a hard time getting an embryo to implant in the uterus...is this why they stopped trying before?) it could be affecting her. I doubt she is intentionally forgetting dates.
Reply With Quote
  #70  
Old 11-03-2013, 07:45 PM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 42
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
Did you not say she's isn't good with expressing her wants and it's been hubby that does most of that etc?
Thanks for your input. I appreciate it. My biggest concern lies in the fact that she USED to do all these things, and now doesn't. Doesn't return terms of endearment anymore, doesn't cuddle anymore, etc. it's not that these things were never there. They're just not there anymore.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
conflicted, insecure, jealousy

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:35 PM.