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  #11  
Old 10-26-2013, 02:56 PM
Indygirl78 Indygirl78 is offline
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I guess I had leanings towards being poly since middle school. I never saw a problem with dating multiple boys at the same time. And had encouraged one of my high school boyfriends (now husband) to see some of my friends. After marriage we were monogamous for a few years and then moved to more of a "swinging" type of relationship with two couples and have had a few "threesomes." We have been moving toward a poly relationship with one of those couples, but it's definitely more complicated once emotions are involved. So, not sure if you would say "hard wired" or that I chose this.
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  #12  
Old 10-26-2013, 03:20 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InsaneMystic View Post
*raises hand* I started subscribing to a philosophical view that I would later learn to already exist and be called "polyamory" in my late teens, thinking about the question "What is love?" (and no, the answer isn't "baby don't hurt me" ). My first actual relationship, however, didn't happen until I was thirty-two.

I'd never agree to enter a relationship unless it's open right from the start, and I'd definitely identify as poly regardless of the number of people I'm with - zero, one (<< my current sitch for the last five years, and not terribly likely to change soon, mostly because there are very few folks I'm actually compatible with), or more than one. For me, poly is more about rejection of monogamy/exclusivity as a model that does not fit my needs and values, than about any particular lifestyle in actual practice.
Here is a subsriber of a similar philosophy. I chose to be poly (and knew the word for it) before ever having any relationships at all. My choice happened after I got kicked out of the fundamentalist cult I was raised in, and needed to check all my values again, based on what I want vs. what the cult told you must do.

So I have experience of being single, having one partner and having two partners - always poly.
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Last edited by Nadya; 10-26-2013 at 03:23 PM.
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  #13  
Old 10-26-2013, 03:25 PM
Cherub Cherub is offline
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First, I wish to thank each of your thought provoking responses. I now see that I've made assumptions about poly generally from reading active posters on the forum that are NOT reflective of poly overall and will try to keep this in mind, going forward. My assumption was that my wife was very unusual, even among poly people for feeling drawn to poly without being actually having a actual potential new lover in view.

It also helped to learn that the concept of poly occurred with some from even early age or from reading fiction which depicts a workable model. I may have to read some Heinlein, but wonder which would best express his concept?

We went out for our second very small poly meet (a total of five people) last night in a quite coffee shop. The other M+F couple attending also offered a helpful perspective in coming out of a broken FMF triad, that broke up badly, but so valued the triad dynamic that they are actively looking to restore that model with another. As someone considering this on a trial run basis, it was revealing that even with the pain of the breakup of the triad, being a solid couple, still left both yearning for a return to a working triad. My concern being that once my wife should have really happy times in a V, that should we go back to being just a couple, she'll be yearning not for an idea of what it would be like, but recalling what it was like, and that this may be less bearable.

The facilitator was very encouraging for my wife having her first date scheduled for tomorrow (Sunday) night in a coffee shop and helped me some with my concerns. I confessed that for her sake I won't have a rooting interest, but was feeling a little guilty for at times thinking if she discovered that first date guy wasn't a good match, it wouldn't be so bad from my pov, but don't want her to be unhappy either.

One aspect in all of this that I am very thankful for is that she did tell about what she wants and why, and has been willing to take things slowly and educate us. Had she acted deceptively to explore her yearning and shattered our trust, or made her intentions an ultimatum, than this would be either very much more difficult or unacceptable. Her actions show me the sincerity of her love for me and assures me of the importance of our relationship. I'll keep this in mind while she's out on her date and will anxiously await her return.

Respectfully,
-Cherub
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  #14  
Old 10-26-2013, 04:12 PM
Cherub Cherub is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
If she's going to use men on a trial basis to try out poly for the two of you, then you can't be too surprised if they treat her as a trial run, too, to see how they like it.
WH, I suspect that you're right and that this may be an NSA request. I may need to start a new thread somewhere to discuss the specific aspects of her first date and how she's approaching poly generally.

We spoke about what her intentions are for her date given what limits he put forward, on our way home from the meeting last night. It looks like she's attempting to thread an emotional needle to me, and is keeping my trial limitation in view on this.

First she wants to see how meeting a new guy who expressed interest in her goes, but wants to keep any discussion of sex for few dates later if things go well, as she really wants to get to know him first. She realized during their call that it was both exciting but weird to be getting into a sexual conversation with someone other than me, that was not a flirtatious tease.

She knows if she develops serious feelings for him, that she should tell him so, which would likely end the relationship. At the other end if he is as she fears hugely fixated on the sex to the exclusion of non-sexual dates, then she says that she will stop seeing him, as she's not wanting to see him purely as mutual sex objects. Unless they both develop feelings for each other, she intends to continue her search, but may wish to keep seeing him as long as it is working for both of them in this limited basis. I cannot get my mind around insisting on having a few non-sexual, but understood at the outset not fully romantic dates, before and interspersed with sexual ones.

Another question of mine is that she regards this as giving poly a trial run. While this is a start into non-monogamy, I wasn't sure that this is truly polyamory, if the love spoken of is the emotional romantic bonds and not the physical act, no?

Respectfully,
-cherub
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  #15  
Old 10-28-2013, 12:31 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I asked for my husband at the time to open our marriage and be poly back when I had absolutely nobody in mind. It was actually important to me to do it when there was nobody else in the picture, so that he didn't think it was just because of "that guy". Plus I doubted he would be fine with it if I liked a specific person while we were supposed to be monogamous.

There were a few people I was friends with that I started considering once we did open the relationship, but because my husband (now my ex) wasn't comfortable with it at that point, I never bothered even wondering if it would work, let alone pursuing it, and figured I would give him more time.

After a couple of years, he was the one who told me about someone he met and liked. That's when I knew it was okay to start looking at people as potential partners, and listening to my feelings about them.

In the end, he wasn't poly and it didn't work out. If I ended up back in time with the knowledge I have now, I would just have broken up right there and then instead of having that talk. But considering that I didn't know if he was poly or not and whether it would work for us or not, I'm glad I did it the way I did. I think if I had had someone in mind when I came out as poly, it would have been harder for him.
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  #16  
Old 10-30-2013, 04:41 PM
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JadeDoor JadeDoor is offline
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I identified with poly before having another love interest. I was actually single when I first learned a name for what I felt for so long. I wasn't able to pursue it until this past summer but it's something I've always felt comfortable with, loving more than one person.
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  #17  
Old 10-31-2013, 06:19 PM
Misticbleu Misticbleu is offline
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Default Just knowing..

I have never posted on a forum before but thought I would join and jump in.
My husband and I have been discussing Poly and creating a Triad without having that third person yet. We have never really had a mono relationship, but never fully open either. We have been in the swinging lifestyle for years, but are not active much anymore.

We are searching for that third person (a woman ) and trying to read and learn as much as possible before/or if we meet her. I have always felt I could live this lifestyle with having a third person in my relationship
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  #18  
Old 11-02-2013, 06:14 PM
crackedpleasures crackedpleasures is offline
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I've felt "wired for poly" since before I knew what relationships were. I definitely think it's a thing that can happen and seems to happen often.
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