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  #41  
Old 11-02-2013, 01:22 PM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You need more things and people to connect with in your life. You are depending too much on your girlfriend to fulfill and validate you. The sentences I bolded make you sound very co-dependent to me. You've only been dating a short while - six months is nothing, really. And at this point, you're thinking about her all the time, and asking her all the time for reassurance. That screams needy and clingy. Take a few steps back, hon! I think you should make an effort to expend your social life and find other ways to be satisfied that are not reliant upon HER and what kind of attention she can offer you. She sounds stressed. You need a fuller life in which she is important, but not the center of your world! And don't even think about moving in with them until you've been together for at least a year, for goodness sakes.
Well, first of all... I've already decided not to move with them, no matter what city they're in. And as far as the "needy" statement. I'm not needy, as in co-dependent. But I sure as hell am "needy" to the degree that I need to know what she's thinking and how she's feeling... because I don't get any of that. I just want things to be like they were a few months ago. I know it won't be that intense again... but I'd at least like to feel like a part of what goes on in her head.

Any advice I ever see in terms of poly relationships says to "talk openly", "have tough conversations". I've done that. Every time I dwell on something for more than 24 hours, I talk to her about it. But that doesn't seem to fix my problem. She says the right things, but her actions don't show it.
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  #42  
Old 11-02-2013, 02:34 PM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Thank you so much to all of you who are still reading this, who have stuck with me through this. I'm feeling such a hodgepodge of emotion, I haven't felt like myself for the past couple of months. I've gone over it and over it in my head, and I honestly think that her feelings for me don't come close to the ones I have for her. I've tried to reign my emotions back. I've tried to date other people. Nothing works. Every day brings a new emotion, but as it sits now—how I feel in this moment—I feel the need to break things off. I don't want this to turn into an unhealthy situation for me. I honestly don't know what I should do.
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  #43  
Old 11-02-2013, 02:35 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Do you need her to let you in and be more open about her intentions with you and feelings for you? I am not sure I would file that under needing validation. Sometimes it is nice to feel loved without someone having to say it. Have you told her that directly? It sounds like she is keeping you at a safe distance and protecting her heart or maybe marriage. Maybe she really is not sure where you fit in to her life and in what manner she wants you to be part of it. It has been six months. Things are still shaping up. Maybe she is afraid of what she feels for you. Has she been hurt in the past? If so, could she be guarded now and afraid to let someone in so to speak? If I were you, I would just tell her her actions are not matching what she is saying.

Honestly, I would lay off the heavy discussions, breathe, relax, and figure out what you need from her. If you need her to open up to you, find out why she is so closed off. Maybe she is sizing you up and making sure you are not going to hurt her. Maybe she is not in love with you, yet or her feelings are not as strong. Maybe she is not comfortable sharing her innermost thoughts. Maybe she is not in to you now. Who knows? There are so many things it could be, and she holds the answers to all the questions you have.

Edit: I just saw your comment. You have to maintain your health and well-being. Life is too short to not enjoy it. If ending it will make you feel better, do it. Only you can make that call. Who is to say that because now is not your season that it will not work out in the future? Sending hugs your way.
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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 11-02-2013 at 02:39 PM.
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  #44  
Old 11-02-2013, 03:05 PM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
You have to maintain your health and well-being. Life is too short to not enjoy it. If ending it will make you feel better, do it. Only you can make that call. Who is to say that because now is not your season that it will not work out in the future? Sending hugs your way.
Thank you. I truly appreciate all of your feedback. It is extremely helpful. I plan on writing lots more once I process a few things. Think I'm gonna go for a long walk and see what I can't come up with.
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  #45  
Old 11-02-2013, 04:00 PM
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Speaking just for myself in life, I've never wanted kids of my own. My previous partners have known this, and my current partner knows as well. That's one reason it was so difficult for me to wrap my brain around the possibility. However, IF I felt part of the team, and if they both truly made me feel included, then I might actually see it as a possibility. I'm not sure I would want to live with them at that point, but I could completely consider it. The true problem for me lies in the fact that I fear I'll always feel like an "outsider"... not a part of their little family unit.

I think it may be very possible that I am (*gasp*) monogamous. I don't know for sure. I love who I love. And right now, that's her. I would be willing to reshape my entire definition of "happily ever after" if I knew her heart was in it. The problem is, I don't know if it is.
What could she do to show that her heart is in it? It sounds like she is trying to reassure you, but for some reason you continue to doubt. Why? I am not saying your doubt may in fact be incorrect, but I see nothing in her behavior, except for an understandable preoccupation with her pregnancy, that warrants the doubt. So you must base it on something.

I do hear a lot do doubt on your side, however. Doubts about wanting a poly relationship; doubts about wanting to be involved with a child. Are you sure you're not projecting your own doubts onto her?
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  #46  
Old 11-02-2013, 04:23 PM
crackedpleasures crackedpleasures is offline
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To each their own, but it is my hard-won experience that taking someone at face value when they say something is extremely important. If that person, ultimately, lets you down only then do you know your trust was misplaced. Attempting to decide what their actions mean versus what they've said usually becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.

I wish all of you all good things.
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  #47  
Old 11-02-2013, 06:33 PM
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I don't know if she is being perfectly honest with you. She says she wants you, but won't have sex. Tada. She's lying. Or if she wants you but WON'T have sex, she has issues and it's probably not worth it.

How long has her h been working 3 hours away? That sounds terrible. Did she decided to dally with you BECAUSE he was gone all week and she was bored, or horny? Now, she's saving her horniness up for the weekends and the baby-making, and letting you lie in the next room LISTENING? Not right, not right at all.

I think you served a purpose during her NRE, it was fun and exciting for a while, but now her actions are telling you, she's done. She's got other things to worry about. Like FOL said, in her situation. It seems cruel in some ways, but sometimes relationships do not last past the NRE stage, and her NRE was shorter than usual because of the stress of her h being gone and because all of a sudden she's got baby fever.



I'm very sad for you.

PS, if you don't break it off, I'd also recommend when her h comes home, you don't be there. Go to your place, see other friends, do your hobbies and work out, treat yourself to a spa day, whatever! Give them space, and don't be there listening to their sex sounds!
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 11-02-2013 at 06:40 PM.
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  #48  
Old 11-02-2013, 07:59 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Mags brings up some good points and asks really good questions. She is not treating you right or even like someone she loves or even cares about. She is not disclosing her thoughts, not expressing feelings, or even including you in major decisions that would affect the relationship you have with her. Your girlfriend is treating you like a friend. Her actions are screaming, "This was fun while that excitement was there, but I am done." All that is missing is for her to tell that you that your feelings for her are "cute."

The difference in our situations is is my ex and I had long discussed this topic. She did not want children but respected my desire to have them. Her role in the lives of future children was clear; nonexistent. I saw no reason to include her when she was adamant about that. She changed and wanted to be a co-parent, but as it was recently revealed, it was not from a place of authenticity or great interest in them. It was a calculated move to piss my husband off.

The sad part is your girlfriend knows that she is the only person you are with and want to be with, but she is unwilling to meet your needs or be honest enough to tell you the relationship has run the course. There is no right in that. I would end it on the basis of your needs not being met. Forget all the other stuff. She has proven that meeting them is not a priority. Without knowing the full story, I have to say you deserve better. She is paying you in dust and crumbs.
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  #49  
Old 11-02-2013, 09:40 PM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
How long has her h been working 3 hours away? That sounds terrible. Did she decided to dally with you BECAUSE he was gone all week and she was bored, or horny? Now, she's saving her horniness up for the weekends and the baby-making, and letting you lie in the next room LISTENING? Not right, not right at all.
The long distance situation between her and her hubby started in July when she got a job here (in my city). The goal was for both of them to get a job here so we could all be close and/or live together.

To be fair, I should say we haven't stopped having sex entirely. But it's definitely much less. We go 2-3 weeks without it now, whereas we used to have it 1-2 times a week. And honestly, I could live with that if I didn't feel the intimacy fading away as well. We used to cuddle, hold hands, etc... and that was really enough for me. But I've noticed several things changing. For instance, when we were apart, we would email love notes all the time. I know I shouldn't expect that anymore, since we're together more than we're apart. But even with text messages... we used to send some really sweet ones back and forth. But these days, I'll pour my heart into telling her something, and she'll answer back with a one-liner. That's it. That's all I get. Sometimes when her husband is here in town, and they have plans to do something, she'll leave without the type of goodbye I prefer: one with a kiss, or hug, or something. Once they left and she didn't even say anything. I understand that sometimes people are in a bad mood, or have a lot on their mind. But it would be nice to feel loved, needed, or even just appreciated. I can only think of one occasion in the past two months when she's grabbed me, hugged me, and kissed me passionately while he was here. It felt nice. I think that's the point I realized that it wasn't really that I was jealous of him... I just wanted to still feel important when he was around.

Also, another thing that kinda bothers me is that I spend a lot of money on her (and they have way more than I do), yet that expression of love is never returned. I love spending money on her, or I wouldn't do it. Generally, it's simple things like buying her dinner when it's her and me (I let him pick up the tab when he's here, obviously). The other night, we went to dinner and a movie. I picked up the dinner tab. When we got to the movies, she was in line ahead of me and went to the window. I thought she was buying two tickets... she only bought one for herself. I know things like this shouldn't bother me, but it's all of these little things that add up to my assumption that I'm not as important to her as she is to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
The sad part is your girlfriend knows that she is the only person you are with and want to be with, but she is unwilling to meet your needs or be honest enough to tell you the relationship has run the course. There is no right in that. I would end it on the basis of your needs not being met. Forget all the other stuff. She has proven that meeting them is not a priority. Without knowing the full story, I have to say you deserve better. She is paying you in dust and crumbs.
I'm afraid you're right. I'm the first to admit that I've had some insecurities throughout the duration of this relationship. But I'm now realizing that at least some of my fears may not be unfounded. I'm not sure how to address the issue. I want her to know that I feel our love is unbalanced, but I don't want them walking away feeling like I'm placing blame on them. But the truth is, I can't be in a relationship with someone who never talks about their feelings with me. I understand people have different methods of dealing with things. And I understand she may need to take a lot of time to herself before she ever comes to me with things. But I'd like to know about things eventually, you know? I'd like to be a safe haven for her... and for awhile, I believe I was. But it doesn't feel like she needs me anymore.
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  #50  
Old 11-02-2013, 09:43 PM
crackedpleasures crackedpleasures is offline
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Have you had this conversation, in these exact words, with her yet?
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