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  #11  
Old 10-24-2013, 01:08 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NaturalUnicorn View Post
My apologies if my " misuse" of the sacred Unicorn term, offends you. Again you are the first and only to correct me.
I believe in Poly we all have our own interpretations of terms, and what the lifestyle is and means and how it fits us as individuals... thank you.. sweet person for sharing your ideas.
I love your last line, it's bang on.

Don't pay the anti-unicorn banter too much mind...there's a certain corner of the poly web that has an axe to grind where it concerns unicorn hunters. So unfortunately there's been a lot of conflagration of the unicorn term itself, with a lot of BS behavior which tends to correlate with it in venues like this...the places where people come to vent their woes...so that's all we usually see.

However, correlation is not the same as causation and the extra baggage that has been foisted upon the term doesn't actually belong there as part of the base definition. It certainly does not need to be presented as derogatory, particularly to the unicorns...although it is usually in the realm of at least condescending when used in regards to the hunters.

More importantly, if you with to wear a certain label, for ease of communication, identification, or whatever other reason that you decide it suits you, please by all means feel free to. I would expect other forum members to be respectful of that, and avoid slapping their own labels over-top since I don't think most would appreciate it being done to them.


Now, since there's not really much point in re-hashing the ongoing terminology debate here, since it's routinely flogged to death in other more appropriate areas of the forum, let's talk about your couple.


As much as I'm not a fan of applying generalizations to broad categories of people, the story of your individuals does bare many familiar marking of the stereotype. They seem new, and apparently wholly unprepared for the experience. I think others have already mentioned that you should trust your gut, and it sounds like you've already got a well established assertiveness where it comes to making sure you take care of you in this.

So it's really just a matter of figuring out what you want, and what you're willing to put up with, and when.
So the short list of choices as I see it...
1. Cut & run, and find a new couple that has the experience so that your own needs can also be actualized, as well as theirs.
2. Play the waiting game, and let them figure things out with someone else, and make sure they've really figured it out before you try them out again.
3. Take the plunge, grab the rollercoaster, and train them up yourself...

And as life tends to be the way it is...no guarantees are warranted or implied in any of these avenues.
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  #12  
Old 10-25-2013, 03:09 PM
peabean peabean is offline
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Ugh, sorry you are going through this. These people do not seem ready for any type of poly relationship, let alone a triad! You deserve better than this!

I would trust your gut. Cut and run! Coming from a person in a long term triad, the way I see it is they are treating you with an extreme lack of empathy. You need to have empathy for your partners to make a triad work. They just don't care enough about you to make this happen.

Also, call yourself a unicorn if you want. People on here get their panties in a bunch about unicorns and unicorn hunters. The reality is lots of them have 'failed' poly relationships too, but that is seen as ok. Even to the point relationships where the primary relationship results in divorce due partially to the introduction of poly. It's only when a triad is spoken of that people come down with fire and brimstone. You do you.

Last edited by peabean; 10-25-2013 at 03:16 PM.
  #13  
Old 10-29-2013, 01:53 AM
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Hi! First post.
Thank you for sharing, all of you. I am in a position of having a wife who is more bi than we thought at the beginning of our six plus years of a good relationship. I had stuffed myself into monogamy because that was the right thing to do and I do not cheat. Now. She is looking to have a gf for sex she says, but I suspect a loving relationship is not out of the question. I am having to rethink and refeel my orientation and choices re poly, which many years ago, I thought, was THE answer to all my longings. I have been reading about poly and realize this is not for sissies. I am also at a place where I am opening up again.
How does this relate to a unicorn. I would like a triad of loving togetherness, shared life in al it's messiness and chores. I am becoming more fearless again and I wish you, Unicorn, to find a couple who can respect you, cherish you and see you as autonomous as you are a part of the group. Yup, inequity is part of life. No such thing as fair all the time. We expect much too much and become resentful as a result. How we work through this and what actions are next is what makes the person a spiritual and hopefully authentic individual. Again - thanks you for sharing Unicorn and all others.

Last edited by AAvatar; 10-29-2013 at 01:54 AM. Reason: Misspelling and change of meaning
  #14  
Old 10-31-2013, 03:01 AM
AAvatar AAvatar is offline
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Default Long but important read

Davidlnoble.com on Unicorn hunters and the Unicorn. I learnt a lot about what not to do. It might be better to look for a Z relationship than a triad, since it seems to me that whenever anyone comes in to a well established relationship from the outside it is a position of disadvantage, so to speak, as expectations and the motivation for seeking the unicorn are likely to be to fulfill the needs that neither partner can meet for the other in the dyad. Again - I learnt a shit ton of important considerations that helped me clarify my position. Good Luck , hugs and lots of love!

http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/

Last edited by AAvatar; 10-31-2013 at 03:03 AM. Reason: Adding web address
  #15  
Old 11-02-2013, 11:06 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peabean View Post
It's only when a triad is spoken of that people come down with fire and brimstone.
I have nothing against triads. From what I hear, when they work, they're amazing to be in. My objection to the self-application of the label "unicorn" is not that they're looking for triads. If that's what floats your boat, then that's absolutely fantastic.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NaturalUnicorn View Post
My apologies if my " misuse" of the sacred Unicorn term, offends you.
There are two ways to "reclaim" a label. One is blindly, without knowing what it commonly is understood to mean. The other is deliberately, with the conscious intention of re-writing the book.

For example, I know gay men who refer to themselves as "fags" because they want to take that word's power away from homophobes. I know disabled people who call themselves "crippled" so that others can't use it as an insult against them. Likewise, I myself love to use the word "cunt" as a way of saying "Fuck you" to misogynist pigs who use it derogatorily.

If it is your deliberate intention to reclaim the label "unicorn" as a way of saying "Fuck you, triad haters" then more power to you. But it was reasonably clear from your introduction that this was not your intent, that you were not aware of the common usage. Your justifications were of why you like to date couples, not why you chose that term to describe your preference for dating couples.

Labels for the sake of easy communication must conform to commonly understood definitions, since that conformity is precisely what makes the communication easy. I can't label myself as "a doctor" and then expect people to understand that I mean "I have a PhD in astrophysics."

Labels for the sake of personal identity can take absolutely any form you want, provided you explain your definition of the label. This is assuming that if you're taking the time to form a personal identity and then using labels to describe it to other people, it actually matters to you that they understand your personal identity the way you intend it and not the way they expect it.

By all means, if you want to personally claim the label "unicorn" as meaning "I date couples," then that's your privilege. But privilege comes with responsibility. In this case, it's the responsibility to make it clear to your readers that you are deliberately reclaiming the label, and not merely misunderstanding it.
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  #16  
Old 11-02-2013, 12:55 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Quote:
By all means, if you want to personally claim the label "unicorn" as meaning "I date couples," then that's your privilege. But privilege comes with responsibility. In this case, it's the responsibility to make it clear to your readers that you are deliberately reclaiming the label, and not merely misunderstanding it.
People use the label "unicorn" all the time to connote a woman who dates both members of a hetero couple. I do not believe anyone truly expects said woman to be mythically perfect: equally attracted to both of the couple, secondary to the hetero couple, etc.. It is just easier to say "I'm a unicorn" than to say "I'm a woman involved with both members of a heterosexual couple who were already together when I got involved."

I disagree that the poster has any responsibility to "reclaim the label." We all know what she means by "unicorn," and if the reader is attaching all kinds of baggage to the term, that's the reader's issue. I just took it as the poster is a female dating a couple, and her relationship to them is as unique as anyone's relationship to anyone. Obviously, there is a need for a word to describe such a person, and unless someone can come up with a better or more succinct term, unicorn it is.
  #17  
Old 11-02-2013, 05:24 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
People use the label "unicorn" all the time
No "people" don't. Couples looking for Unicorns do, the rest of the time it is used in a disparaging way or, more rarely, as SC said, by people who don't know it is used disparagingly.
  #18  
Old 11-02-2013, 06:04 PM
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Why would a couple use a disparaging term to try to attract a lover?
  #19  
Old 11-02-2013, 06:05 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Actually I think LoveBunny is bang on target. I really don't think Unicorn is so far-gone as to be a derogatory term except in a few small circles of people who are TRYING to make it so. It does not need to be reclaimed, as much as sanctuary from those who are trying to hijack it.

More to the point, the discussion of the label itself is not really the OP's original topic, so let's get back on track please.
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  #20  
Old 11-02-2013, 07:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
People use the label "unicorn" all the time to connote a woman who dates both members of a hetero couple. I do not believe anyone truly expects said woman to be mythically perfect: equally attracted to both of the couple, secondary to the hetero couple, etc.
They do though! If you read the boards for a few months, and read around other places online, you will see that attitude a lot. More from the rejected single gal than from the couple who treated her like shit and then dumped her. Said couple will then go on looking for another unicorn who WILL have those qualities and ability to love and lust equally for 2 separate persons. And be disappointed, and hurt another naive woman once again.

BTW, a unicorn is not dating both members of a hetero couple, she's dating a bi woman and a straight (possibly bi) guy, a partnered unit. If the woman of the couple was hetero, she wouldn't be wanting to fuck another woman. Sometimes she is dating a couple wherein the woman has realized she is a lesbian, but doesnt want to split with her husband...

Quote:
It is just easier to say "I'm a unicorn" than to say "I'm a woman involved with both members of a heterosexual couple who were already together when I got involved."
If people want to call themselves a mythical beast that doesn't exist, just to save typing a few words, they can go ahead. Why they would do that, since the term does have great negative baggage for anyone who has been researching or practicing non-monogamy for more than a few months, I do not know.

Quote:
I disagree that the poster has any responsibility to "reclaim the label." We all know what she means by "unicorn," and if the reader is attaching all kinds of baggage to the term, that's the reader's issue. I just took it as the poster is a female dating a couple, and her relationship to them is as unique as anyone's relationship to anyone. Obviously, there is a need for a word to describe such a person, and unless someone can come up with a better or more succinct term, unicorn it is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
No "people" don't. Couples looking for Unicorns do, the rest of the time it is used in a disparaging way or, more rarely, as SC said, by people who don't know it is used disparagingly.
This.
How about "couple fucker?" "Couple dater," for those with delicate sensibilities.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Actually I think LoveBunny is bang on target. I really don't think Unicorn is so far-gone as to be a derogatory term except in a few small circles of people who are TRYING to make it so. It does not need to be reclaimed, as much as sanctuary from those who are trying to hijack it.
I couldnt disagree more, II. The very term implies a person with imaginary qualities no one has.

Just because you are a mod, I do not think it's fair for you to have the final word, when your statements show an inaccurate understanding of an important polyamorous concept.

Quote:
More to the point, the discussion of the label itself is not really the OP's original topic, so let's get back on track please.

The problems listed in the OP are typical behaviours of unicorn seekers. No one on one dating or sex! A unicorn (mythical beast) would go, "Fine! 3ways it is. I don't need to bond one on one with either of you, even though you both get couple time with each other whenever you want."

A woman with a mind of her own would object to this rule, as the OP indeed has.
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 11-02-2013 at 07:08 PM.
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