Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #121  
Old 09-29-2013, 10:55 PM
Eponine Eponine is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 103
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus
If I introduce IV to my friends as "my girlfriend, IV" unfortunately it provides them with a set of assumptions which are not all true. It's the same when someone asks me "do you have a girlfriend?"... they are not asking me if I have a partner in the way that *I* relate (which is an uncommon approach to put it mildly), they are asking me if I have a partner in the way that people *commonly* have partners. So while my answer to this question is "yes"... it's also kind of "no, not in the way you mean it"
Yeah, that's part of the reason A, L and I don't use boyfriend/girlfriend to refer to one another. We're just too different from people's common perception of boyfriend/girlfriend. Plus, because our relationships are non-sexual and in the grey area between platonic and romantic, even putting the assumption of exclusivity and (eventual) domestic partnership aside, we still don't think boyfriend/girlfriend is a fitting title for us.

However, I refer to G as my husband, because we're indeed legally married. If it makes sense to tell people we're poly, we'll tell them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ColorsWolf View Post
The only kind of "shallow" friendships to me are those based upon not being friendly simply for the sake of being friendly or wanting a friend, but those based upon "shallow" factors such as looks, status, and prestige.~
For me, a typical kind of shallow friendships is friendships primarily based on proximity and/or convenience. My "friendships" with some people at school are in this category. We get along okay; we help each other with schoolwork; we work together in our research; we meet up for dinner once in a while. But when we're together, we mostly have small talk about school, food, latest TV shows, etc. We don't have shared life philosophy. We don't have a deep intellectual or emotional connection. I don't think of them if we haven't met up for a while. When we're not in the same school anymore in the future, I don't expect us to keep in touch regularly or at all. I consider them (good) acquaintances or casual friends at most. But YMMV.
__________________
Heteroromantic asexual female, sex-positive, childfree, relationship anarchist.
Married to G, and in a partially non-romantic, completely non-sexual and long-distance triad with A and L.

Last edited by Eponine; 09-29-2013 at 11:05 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #122  
Old 09-30-2013, 03:13 AM
ColorsWolf's Avatar
ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: CA, U.S.A.
Posts: 362
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eponine View Post
Yeah, that's part of the reason A, L and I don't use boyfriend/girlfriend to refer to one another. We're just too different from people's common perception of boyfriend/girlfriend. Plus, because our relationships are non-sexual and in the grey area between platonic and romantic, even putting the assumption of exclusivity and (eventual) domestic partnership aside, we still don't think boyfriend/girlfriend is a fitting title for us.

However, I refer to G as my husband, because we're indeed legally married. If it makes sense to tell people we're poly, we'll tell them.


For me, a typical kind of shallow friendships is friendships primarily based on proximity and/or convenience. My "friendships" with some people at school are in this category. We get along okay; we help each other with schoolwork; we work together in our research; we meet up for dinner once in a while. But when we're together, we mostly have small talk about school, food, latest TV shows, etc. We don't have shared life philosophy. We don't have a deep intellectual or emotional connection. I don't think of them if we haven't met up for a while. When we're not in the same school anymore in the future, I don't expect us to keep in touch regularly or at all. I consider them (good) acquaintances or casual friends at most. But YMMV.
I don't understand and comprehend Friendship as something to be maintained and in regular contact with. Do you ask the stream to stay to be your friend? Do you ask the wind not to dance away so that you may be friends? Friendship and love are not things to keep, not for me, the stream and the wind may come and go as they please and I may or may not ever see them again but we will always be friends and maybe lovers. You could stay with me if you wanted to, but I would not expect it of you and please don't expect it of me. The point is to stay with each other if we want to, not because it is expected of us.
Reply With Quote
  #123  
Old 09-30-2013, 03:30 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 103
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ColorsWolf View Post
I don't understand and comprehend Friendship as something to be maintained and in regular contact with. Do you ask the stream to stay to be your friend? Do you ask the wind not to dance away so that you may be friends? Friendship and love are not things to keep, not for me, the stream and the wind may come and go as they please and I may or may not ever see them again but we will always be friends and maybe lovers. You could stay with me if you wanted to, but I would not expect it of you and please don't expect it of me. The point is to stay with each other if we want to, not because it is expected of us.
You're absolutely right. "Expect" wasn't a good choice of word. And in fact I don't necessarily need regular contact with my friends. What I was trying to say was: With true friends, I care about them and actively want to maintain our bonds, even if we don't meet or talk very often. And I'd be sad if they cut off ties with me. With acquaintances or casual friends, I don't feel an emotional attachment to them, and if our life paths take us to different places, I probably won't miss them and won't mind if they don't talk to me anymore.

In short:
True friends: I want (but don't expect) our friendship to last a lifetime.
Acquaintances/casual friends: It won't hurt me at all if they don't want to hang out with me anymore.

Of course, there are some people in between as well. But most people I know are closer to the acquaintances category.
__________________
Heteroromantic asexual female, sex-positive, childfree, relationship anarchist.
Married to G, and in a partially non-romantic, completely non-sexual and long-distance triad with A and L.

Last edited by Eponine; 09-30-2013 at 03:39 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #124  
Old 10-10-2013, 11:07 PM
WillI WillI is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 7
Default

ColorsWolf, you sound like Kahlil Gabran (I just finished reading him).

I prefer not to use Lover in a context wherein people insist that the alignment of genitals is implied.

I prefer to use names. It is better for people to know each other by names, rather than labels or categories that I impose upon them.
Reply With Quote
  #125  
Old 10-12-2013, 07:37 AM
Phlox Phlox is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Illinois,USA
Posts: 14
Default

We usually just introduce each other by name.If more is indicated, he is my very good friend to most in my circle of friends and acquaintances, because we are not out of the closet yet to most people. He is my lover to a few who know.

In his circle we are his very good friends and in our mutual circle we are his other wives.People say, "You mean your ex wives?" and he smiles and says, "Nope."
Reply With Quote
  #126  
Old 10-25-2013, 03:06 AM
Piroska's Avatar
Piroska Piroska is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 78
Default

This is something I've been kind of wondering about too, what words most appropriately convey the correct meaning. (As a writer, I tend to obsess over words.)

When I was in a relationship with J (female) previously, I called her my girlfriend, she called me her girlfriend, and it sounded right.

Now that I'm in a relationship with Morp (male), sometimes I call him my boyfriend. When I came out to one of my clients (and told my parents about him) that's the word I used - it is the most popularly accepted for a male romantic partner - even though it seems sort of trite. I do refer to Guy as my husband in vanilla settings.

In fetish/bdsm circles I tend to refer to Guy as my Master, and Morp as my Dom (even though Morp considers himself more of a switch or kinkster and being called a dom is not exactly his cup of tea; he's dominant with me so it's as close to accurate as I can get in one word). Since he doesn't prefer the term dom, he requested I list him as "lover" on our fetlife profiles. I agree with the concept that lover should really be the most accurate, as it refers to LOVEr, but unfortunately, it has the connotation of a primarily sexual partner. Which sort of annoys me, because I think the love part is more important than the sex part.

When I refer to them in plural I just say "my men", which works in plural, not so much in singular, though I could see it working with females - "these are my ladies" or "my lady". "My man" has almost a misogynistic ring to it, to me; so while I appreciate the sound of it (I think it sounds possessive) in private, it sounds funny to me in public.

In places where I'm not out I usually use "dear friend" to specify him as a friend who is closer and more personal than friends in general.

I really like the term beau, but I dislike how it is pronounced, and the fact that most people don't know what it means offhand. If I'm just writing as opposed to speaking I might use it. Similarly, SO is neat shorthand, but clunky to say "significant other" and it sounds somewhat distancing.

Finally, I have always liked the use of "fiance/e" to indicate one whom one would get married to if it were legal (ie when same sex couples use it, or if for example Morp and I ended up in that level of commitment, since I'm already legally married to Guy) in addition to for one whom one will get married to; as it quickly conveys the level of 'seriousness/intimacy/entanglement' of the relationship.
__________________
current relationships:
Guy - Dom/husband
Cru - (no longer dating)
Reply With Quote
  #127  
Old 10-25-2013, 03:20 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,401
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eslynne View Post
When I refer to them in plural I just say "my men", which works in plural, not so much in singular, though I could see it working with females - "these are my ladies" or "my lady". "My man" has almost a misogynistic ring to it, to me; so while I appreciate the sound of it (I think it sounds possessive) in private, it sounds funny to me in public.
When I talk about the two of them, I frequently refer to GG and Maca as "the guys".
In an odd twist "the boys" refers to my two grandsons.
"The girls" refers to the two sisters I regular babysat the last 12 years.

(obviously the three sets are all unrelated to one another; but it seems simple in my mind when there is a duo to do that...)
"The kids" generally refers to all of the kids I claim (which includes the grandsons and the girls as well as my 3 bio, 1 step and 1 godson).
But "my kids" refers to the 5 (3 bio, 1 step and 1 godson) in some circles and in other circles it includes whichever kids are currently present with me...

So convoluted!

Of course Maca is "My M" most of the time in OUR conversations and when I talk to family about him he's M or a special name his dad and I use. With the kids he's "dad" or "daddy" in conversation and when I am talking to the boys I refer to him as "papa".
GG is M'ebe in OUR conversations. His given name when I'm talking to someone who knows him. If they don't know him he could be my boyfriend or my best friend or my partner depending on the context. I'm never closeted about our romantic relationship, but all three of those labels fits-so I use them interchangably and so does he. And when introducing his OTHER best friend I introduce him as GG's "other best friend Getsui"... The kids all call him different things. The oldest calls him N'uncle. The youngest calls him "MY GG" and never forgets the "my" in front of it. She's very particular about that. The middle kids call him uncle.
When OTHER people find that bizarre (after hearing them refer to him as uncle and knowing he is my lover) I simply point out to them that I don't pigeon hole the kids into labeling their loved ones based upon MY relationship to them.

Ok-that was meandering.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #128  
Old 11-02-2013, 06:40 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Piroska View Post
In fetish/bdsm circles I tend to refer to Guy as my Master, and Morp as my Dom (even though Morp considers himself more of a switch or kinkster and being called a dom is not exactly his cup of tea; he's dominant with me so it's as close to accurate as I can get in one word).
Just to be a pedant... if he's your Dom, or even sorta, then wouldn't he get the final word over what you call him? Seems like a dominant saying "don't call me your Dom" and then you doing it anyway is the epitome of disregarding the power exchange...
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #129  
Old 11-02-2013, 08:07 AM
Piroska's Avatar
Piroska Piroska is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 78
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Just to be a pedant... if he's your Dom, or even sorta, then wouldn't he get the final word over what you call him? Seems like a dominant saying "don't call me your Dom" and then you doing it anyway is the epitome of disregarding the power exchange...
This is true. I relayed your comment to him, and he agreed with you.

However, when I asked what he preferred me to refer to him as, he said I should refer to him as whatever I was most comfortable with. I said I was comfortable with Dom, but I would stop if he preferred. He said no, it's fine. (Sigh.) It's a new relationship, he's new at this, and so... sometimes I'm at a loss.
__________________
current relationships:
Guy - Dom/husband
Cru - (no longer dating)
Reply With Quote
  #130  
Old 11-03-2013, 03:04 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,401
Default

Sometimes as a Dominant-there are things that you really don't care about. But it's still important to accept (as the submissive) that it's still their RIGHT to specify-if they so desire.
If he doesn't desire, that's okie dokie. But- good for you to keep in mind, that it is HIS preference as the Dom, not yours.


THAT SAID-and I say it with ALL due respect;
the bottom line is that NONE of us have a say so in your D/s relationship.
One of my big pet peeves as a Mistress, is other people suggesting to my slave how he "should" or "should not" do this that or the other thing. It's not their place.

(not to be confused with the post above-it wasn't saying how you should or shouldn't-it was just expressing an observed apparent contradiction)

So be aware, if you are naturally submissive especially, of people who may try to tell you how to submit. Because it's not their place.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boyfriend, fun, girlfriend, language, lover, relationships, word

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:40 AM.