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  #31  
Old 11-01-2013, 07:49 PM
peabean peabean is offline
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Originally Posted by polywannacrackeryo View Post
I think it may be very possible that I am (*gasp*) monogamous. I don't know for sure. I love who I love. And right now, that's her. I would be willing to reshape my entire definition of "happily ever after" if I knew her heart was in it. The problem is, I don't know if it is.
Haha! Even after nearly 3 years in a triad with my husband and gf I feel the same way! I don't 'feel' polyamorous. I can't see myself loving anyone else besides who I love right now. The circumstances of that relationship coming together would have be so 'perfect' that it's incredibly unlikely that I will ever have another partner. I love who I love, and that is that.

When I met my gf, my life spun out of control as I reeled with the concept of having her in my life. She, my husband and I eventually redefined ourselves, and each of our respective 'happily ever after' definitions. This was really only possible because ALL of our hearts were in it 100%. Of course, we didn't know that right away, but it became clear over the first year.

So, I do believe the root of your issue is figuring out if both of your hearts are in it.
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  #32  
Old 11-01-2013, 07:57 PM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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So, I do believe the root of your issue is figuring out if both of your hearts are in it.
I think so too. That's what I keep coming back to. I think a discussion is in order, although I feel like we're ALWAYS talking about my feelings and emotions. I don't know if this weekend is the time or place, because her husband is coming here this weekend. Or, maybe that actually makes it the perfect time.

The bottom line is that I would sacrifice a lot to make this work. But if her heart's not in it, I'd rather know now. I don't want to be strung along like a little lost puppy. I'm whipped... that's for sure. It's frustrating.
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  #33  
Old 11-01-2013, 11:06 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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The others have given good advice. This reads like an entire chapter in the novel called my poly life. Only I was in your girlfriend's position, and I was the one who wanted to start a family with my husband. These are some of my mistakes when it came to this. Please learn from them.

I did not check in with my ex about my maternal desires. The urge to become a mum was strong enough to override any objections she would have had or any love we shared. I wanted to have a child with my husband, and I was going to do it. If she had told me she was not okay with it, I would have opened the door and let her walk on out. Honestly? It was not something I wanted to discuss with people including her. At that point, we had been together for eight years. It was a private matter between my husband and myself. We wanted to keep it between us. I told her that I was going to have my implant removed in the hopes of conceiving. I did not desire her sexually during that time, but we were going at it like rabbits. The only difference is she was not in our home when it happened.

I invited her to be part of the prenatal care and at the hospital during the deliver. She was not in the room because I did not want her in the room. Our therapist believes the invitation to her was out of guilt, obligation, and the lack of romantic love towards her. Like I was compensating. This is going to sound bad, but I did not want her to touch me during my first pregnancy, so we had a non-sexual relationship. (Sex was off-limits due to bed rest during the second pregnancy, but I had no desire for her then either.) The sex with her did not resume after I delivered either time, and it was not happening very often once I settled in to being a mum both times. My libido was far too wonky afterwards, and I was more worried about taking care of my children and nursing them than being with her. It seemed normal that my desire never returned for her. After a point, it just stopped altogether.

I had my first child in December of that year and second child last year, and honestly, my therapist has deduced that my heart stopped being in the relationship with the conception of my first child/subsequent falling in love with her and the overflow of love I was feeling towards my husband over the life we had created. It saddened me to hear a therapist telling me that and hearing something similar from my mum a couple of days ago.

Have you asked her if she sees this as being long-term? Have you brought it to her attention that you are not feeling like an equal or primary or whatever? Have you found out what role you are going to play in the baby's life? Are you even going to be part of his/her life? It is said that one person always loves the other person more than they love them..

I saw that you said something about moving in and with them. My strong advice? Do not do it. Especially if you do not want children. You can be happy for her, but it is a lot being around children all the time. You do not want them to get the idea in their heads that they have a girlfriend/play partner and live-in babysitter. If you think that moving will give you more opportunities or desire a change of scenery, do it for that reason. I would never move for a person unless I knew I would love the place. Move in to your own place and gradually increase the frequency of how much you stay at their place or visit however much is possible. If it seems like you are getting on well, try it then, but make sure you do not dig yourself in a financial hole. Have a little nest egg in case you realise that cohabitating will not work. There is nothing like having your own place. Some people are just not cut out to live together.

I implore you to talk to both of them but be sensitive and honest. It is okay to have and discuss your feelings, and I hate that bullshit about having to work on yourself all by your lonesome. Grates on my nerves royally. It is still early on, and this is your first poly experience. Of course you need help. Hell, even the more seasoned vets have their issues, too. Is it possible you are mono? Maybe. You could be flexible and able to be happy in either style. I was a polyamorist for 18 years, and when I thought I was going to lose my husband, I discovered I was better suited for a closed relationship. I have been in a "mono" marriage for almost eight months, and it is daunting because I have unknowingly stumbled upon my "happily ever after." This certainly was not what I had in mind.

I hope it works out for you, and you should start a blog. I cannot promise that I will comment much, but I would personally follow it. I am rooting for all of you. I hope you get some clarity with the future talks and just self-introsepction. Sending hugs your way.

Ry
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  #34  
Old 11-01-2013, 11:35 PM
peabean peabean is offline
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I guess I have a hard time understanding how you didn't want to discuss having a child with your girlfriend? I mean, you'd been with her for 8 years, which is a really long time. She must've been a big presence in each others lives, so you would've realized how much she would be impacted by you having a child?

I'm not trying to judge, just to understand. From my perspective both as a mother and from inside a triad, I definitely struggled with my gf wanting a child with my husband at first. It was a huge sore spot in our relationship for a while, but eventually I found her unwavering love for ME (not just him) was what convinced me. I felt incredibly protective of her during the pregnancy, closer than ever before. I just wonder what you're gf's take on the pregnancy was? I've not known many people in the position I was (and hope to be again soon) in.
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  #35  
Old 11-02-2013, 01:28 AM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I did not check in with my ex about my maternal desires. The urge to become a mum was strong enough to override any objections she would have had or any love we shared. I wanted to have a child with my husband, and I was going to do it. If she had told me she was not okay with it, I would have opened the door and let her walk on out. Honestly? It was not something I wanted to discuss with people including her. At that point, we had been together for eight years. It was a private matter between my husband and myself. We wanted to keep it between us. I told her that I was going to have my implant removed in the hopes of conceiving. I did not desire her sexually during that time, but we were going at it like rabbits. The only difference is she was not in our home when it happened.
Jesus. This makes me want to walk out the door right now. If this is how she feels, and she's not telling me, I would feel extremely taken advantage of and used.

I've told her from the beginning that I will support her no matter what. I want to be there for her any way I can. But the way I see it, is if she doesn't feel as strongly for me as I feel for her, then I need to say goodbye.

Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your experience. It was difficult to read, but very helpful.
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  #36  
Old 11-02-2013, 01:31 AM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Originally Posted by peabean View Post
I guess I have a hard time understanding how you didn't want to discuss having a child with your girlfriend? I mean, you'd been with her for 8 years, which is a really long time. She must've been a big presence in each others lives, so you would've realized how much she would be impacted by you having a child?
I would love to hear the response to this, as well.
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  #37  
Old 11-02-2013, 02:31 AM
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. . . I feel just as strongly as I ever have, and I honestly get the feeling she doesn't. I know the only way to know is to ask, so I have. I ask all the time. She continually tells me that she loves the way things are going, that she's still attracted to me, that she wants to continue exploring what we have. But it's like this: I think about her and our relationship all the time. She doesn't seem to do that at all.
You need more things and people to connect with in your life. You are depending too much on your girlfriend to fulfill and validate you. The sentences I bolded make you sound very co-dependent to me. You've only been dating a short while - six months is nothing, really. And at this point, you're thinking about her all the time, and asking her all the time for reassurance. That screams needy and clingy. Take a few steps back, hon! I think you should make an effort to expend your social life and find other ways to be satisfied that are not reliant upon HER and what kind of attention she can offer you. She sounds stressed. You need a fuller life in which she is important, but not the center of your world! And don't even think about moving in with them until you've been together for at least a year, for goodness sakes.

Personally, I can't fathom how someone can quantify love, because I see it as either there is love there or not. For me, love is love and doesn't come in amounts -- there is no loving someone "more" or "less" in my world. But your being so focused on whether or not she feels the same amount of love for you as you do toward her indicates dependency and neediness. You expend far too much of your energy on trying to interpret what she says and does into how much you are loved. It could simply be that you both express your feelings differently.

As I see it, the thing you need most is to cultivate a more loving relationship with yourself.

You also need to stop living in the past and wishing things were the way they were when you started seeing her. And this after only six months! Get present and stay in the here and now. Dynamics of relationships do change. Feelings and passions ebb and flow. You can't appreciate what you have if you are always wishing it was something different.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-02-2013 at 02:58 AM.
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  #38  
Old 11-02-2013, 03:15 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peabean View Post
I guess I have a hard time understanding how you didn't want to discuss having a child with your girlfriend? I mean, you'd been with her for 8 years, which is a really long time. She must've been a big presence in each others lives, so you would've realized how much she would be impacted by you having a child?
Eight years, but I really did not want that kind of entanglement with her. She was never supposed to be my co-primary. Let alone co-parent. Our relationship was not tailored for that. I am not a fan of hierarchy, but our relationship's natural state was meant to be secondary. It was never right after she forced herself in to the role of my co-primary. I dealt with it the best I could. I integrated her in to my daily life. I should have ended it with her then. That sounds bitchy and cold, but it is best if I face it and own it.

After she took on that role, my interest waned because the relationship stopped being something that felt good and easy. I stuck it out because I cared for her, but it was constant work, scheduling, and overnights, and arguments with my husband--when I listened to him--about her being too involved. I foolishly dismissed many of his valid concerns in favour of her. I even went over his head to grant her equal say regarding our children, and he was not okay with that or having to check in with a third co-parent. (I did many other things that contributed to the downfall, too.)

Quote:
I'm not trying to judge, just to understand. From my perspective both as a mother and from inside a triad, I definitely struggled with my gf wanting a child with my husband at first. It was a huge sore spot in our relationship for a while, but eventually I found her unwavering love for ME (not just him) was what convinced me. I felt incredibly protective of her during the pregnancy, closer than ever before. I just wonder what you're gf's take on the pregnancy was? I've not known many people in the position I was (and hope to be again soon) in.
Feel free to judge. I will shrug it off. I have heard it all the past eight months. "That is mean, cruel, and unfair." Chances are I have already thought it about myself, and I am so detached from her and the past that it garners a blank stare from strangers and even those who know me best.

She probably struggled with it. If it happened, she never disclosed it to me. I did not want her approval or even support. I included her out of obligation and that new status as my co-primary. It was not because I felt some overwhelming desire to have her around, and it showed with who was by my side when I pushed my daughter out.

I do know she was jealous of my husband during my second pregnancy because he was my primary caregiver post-op. She came around after he was born and wanted to assume to role of mummy no. 2 with him. That was short lived because my husband was not going for it again, and they got in to the argument all of arguments in March. She has no contact with any of us including my children. That was at my daughter's request.
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  #39  
Old 11-02-2013, 03:17 AM
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To consider leaving simply because she wants a kid feels cold-hearted to me. It's her body. It's her decision. But on the other hand, that desire is so far removed from what I want that her yearning to have a baby almost feels personal, even though I know it's not, (and yes, it's ridiculous to even think that).

I'm just not sure how to address that without sounding like a selfish douche.
This baffles me somewhat.
My husband and I have had this talk. We have 4 kids. He adamantly does not want any more. Period.
He loves me. But-more kids would mean he lives somewhere else. That's a hard limit for him.
There's no "cold-hearted" about it. His heart is not cold at all. It's just that he knows what he needs and he's been clear about setting it out in black and white (with multiple shades of gray in other arenas).

Likewise- I love my ex. I will ALWAYS love him.
But he wanted to live the "free for life keep playing" life. He works when he feels like it, he couch-surfs for a living. I wanted a family life and a home.

So-we're FRIENDS. I love him. He loves me. He is supportive of me being happy in MY life and I happily spend time talking and enjoying his company when he flutters through.

My ex-girlfriend wanted out of Alaska. I wasn't up to leaving yet. I had a baby and wasn't sure where things would go with the courts if I left. So-we aren't a couple. She's happily married to her wife in another state and visits here occasionally.

The reality is; we can't build healthy relationships with people unless we learn to be true to ourselves.
Because if we can't be in a healthy relationship with our self-there's no way we can do it with someone(s) else.
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  #40  
Old 11-02-2013, 03:19 AM
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On an alternate perspective;
GG was and is a part of all of our discussions regarding the kids, having kids, raising kids etc. We parent all of the kids together and we make parenting choices together. Legally the final decisions are mine and Maca's-but we generally operate as a team of 4. Myself, Maca, GG and my sister.
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