Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 11-01-2013, 06:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,171
Default

Quote:
This is a more succinct way of stating what my point was - why I did not understand why he is so angry with me.
It's a two way street to me.

On his end?
  • He could articulate WHY to you himself. Rather than leaving you to guess.
  • He could be more assertive and direct the first time around with his computer boundaries. Rather than leaving you to guess.

On YOUR end?
  • Yes, the data is public access, but would it be a huge effort for you to ASK FIRST? No.
  • Would it help make him feel extra special to you as your BF for you to do that extra care and concern for his sake? Yes.
  • Since he was not clear the first time around, would it help you to ask clarifying questions first before acting? Yes.

Something like...

"hey... Only FB? Or all computer things? Just work stuff or personal things too?"
As far as managing his upset?
a) I think he might be angry with you for not asking first out of consideration for him. He is your BF, and you could treat him with EXTRA care and concern than you would treat a general public stranger person.

b) I think he might also be angry with himself and misdirecting it on to you because his data online is HIS lookout. He has come to find his own behavior in looking out after it was not actually serving his needs.
You could own "A" to see if it cools his jets and makes him more willing to own "B."

Someone has to go first toward DE-escalating it. Otherwise you both have tempers going that just keeps it in the hamster wheel going round and round escalating conflict rather than cooling it off. In the interest of peace in the shared relationship? You could go first.

Quote:
Originally Posted by london
I think he is annoyed about how she went about it. I have a blog, right? When I met my ex I asked him not to read it, yet. He agreed.
In that case, yes. You clearly told your person to stay out of your computer life in the blog area. They crossed the line.

In this case? He did not seem to tell her to stay out of his OKC life in clear fashion. He didn't seem to think to mention it. But he did have boundaries about searches elsewhere that could apply. So there's this fuzzy grey area of discernment. Rather than argue, they could discern who owns what and move it along.

Quote:
So while I didn't deliberately break any boundaries searching his username, when I'd previously run a search on his personal name and place of employment, I'd told him I was doing so when I asked about his job. I probably should have realized that he wanted the same thing with this - telling him / asking first.
Which is why I say you both could own having co-created this fuzzy grey area. Him from lack of clarity in the first place and you from going forward without stopping to ask clarifying questions first.

Both could stop assuming things.

Seems easier for OP to apologize, and move it FORWARD.

Seems better for both to work on conflict resolution agreements for how to better handle the NEXT conflict before it comes up. You can't predict every conflict, but you can agree on how you want to be together while doing conflict resolution work.

Otherwise it's just temper fits all around and that's not solving anything for anyone.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-01-2013 at 08:15 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 11-01-2013, 08:12 PM
Piroska's Avatar
Piroska Piroska is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 78
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
It's a two way street to me.

He could articulate WHY to you himself and be more assertive and direct the first time around with his computer boundaries. Rather than leaving you to guess.

On YOUR end?
  • Yes, the data is public access, but would it be a huge effort for you to ASK FIRST? No.
  • Would it help make him feel extra special to you as your BF for you to do that extra care and concern for his sake? Yes.
  • Since he was not clear the first time around, would it help you to ask clarifying questions first before acting? Yep.
This makes sense. Think before you act, place priority on the people close to you. I feel like I'm relearning stuff I should know already. But better late than never, yes?
Quote:
Something like...

"hey... Only FB? Or all computer things? Just work stuff or personal things too?"
a) I think he might be angry with you for not asking first out of consideration. He is your BF, and you could treat him with EXTRA care and concern than you would treat a general public stranger person.

b) I think he might also be angry with himself and misdirecting it on to you because his data online is HIS lookout and he has come to find his own behavior in looking out after it was not actually serving his needs.

You could own "A" to see if it cools his jets and makes him more willing to own "B" -- someone has to go first toward DE-escalating it. Otherwise you both have tempers going that just keeps it in the hamster wheel going round and round.
This actually close to what happened. I took your advice earlier and sent him an apology; and he replied with an apology of his own for not being more clear about what he sees as violation of his privacy. We are going to be able to work through it, I think.
Quote:
...
Which is why I say you both could own having co-created this fuzzy grey area. Him from lack of clarity in the first place and you from going forward without stopping to ask clarifying questions first.

Both could stop assuming things.

Seems easier for OP to apologize, and move it FORWARD.
Yes, HUGE thanks to both you and london for moving me a lot faster to the "apologize and move forward" part instead of staying stuck in the "I'm right he's wrong I'm going to be mad until he apologizes" part.
Quote:
Seems better for both to work on conflict resolution agreements for how to better handle the NEXT conflict before it comes up. You can't predict every conflict, but you can agree on how you want to be together while doing conflict resolution work.

Otherwise it's just temper fits all around and that's not solving anything for anyone.

Galagirl
Yes. This. I'm not really sure how to go about it - but I did snag your link from another thread about conflict resolution, so that gives me a place to start.
__________________
current relationships:
Guy - Dom/husband
Cru - (no longer dating)
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 11-01-2013, 08:18 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,171
Default

I was editing a bit when you replied... but I am glad to hear you both apologized, both owned co-creating the grey fuzzy area and are on your way to resolving it and doing better next time with clearer communication and more consideration.

Kudos!

Could note what helped -- getting outside POVs, apologies, willing to "co-own" co-creating a fuzzy area, etc.

Could not what did NOT help -- trying to solve too many things at once, trying to solve it when it's too emotionally fresh rather than taking a time out to gather thoughts, texting, etc.

Then you can use that to help next time something comes up you have to solve together.

HTH!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-01-2013 at 08:33 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 11-02-2013, 12:25 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,182
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Piroska View Post
So I guess the solution would be to simply not add his profile on my personal profiles then. So I guess that part is solved - he unfriended me.
I still have to read the rest of the thread...but, actually, this is the best answer on the "public" side of things until you have negotiated how you two can safely "link" to each other without negating your privacy concerns.

Luckily both of my boys are even more paranoid about internet security that I am (and I am the only one that has professional cause for concern). I have separate nom-de-plume's for each area of my life.

We each have OKC profiles that link to each other - that are separate from other usernames. We each have "fake" Facebook profiles (using different names) that are "friended" but we don't post personal info and limit our "friends" to people who already know us/know about us.

On the "private" side - i.e. his being upset about you finding his OKC profile - that just seems weird to me - but we are very open amongst the three of us - even if not to the outside world. I frequently Google all of us to see where any "leaks" may arise...

ETA: on the other hand - I DID ask them not to read my blog here until I was ready (didn't take very long) - they agreed before I started it, or I wouldn't have...I have written about this elsewhere.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 11-02-2013 at 12:30 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 11-02-2013, 01:23 AM
Piroska's Avatar
Piroska Piroska is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 78
Default

Thanks, JaneQSmythe

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I still have to read the rest of the thread...but, actually, this is the best answer on the "public" side of things until you have negotiated how you two can safely "link" to each other without negating your privacy concerns.

Luckily both of my boys are even more paranoid about internet security that I am (and I am the only one that has professional cause for concern). I have separate nom-de-plume's for each area of my life.
This is much closer to how I typically try to work things. Morp is different in that he doesn't care that all of his things are linked.
Quote:
We each have OKC profiles that link to each other - that are separate from other usernames. We each have "fake" Facebook profiles (using different names) that are "friended" but we don't post personal info and limit our "friends" to people who already know us/know about us.
This is similar to what I was nagging at him to do. But it's been pointed out to me that he doesn't HAVE to do this. If he wants to, he can; if he doesn't want to, I am free to not link to him. I'd prefer to be able to; it acknowledges him as "more important" than others I may play with in public. But it's by no means necessary.
Quote:
On the "private" side - i.e. his being upset about you finding his OKC profile - that just seems weird to me - but we are very open amongst the three of us - even if not to the outside world. I frequently Google all of us to see where any "leaks" may arise...
That - right there - is exactly the reasoning I had in googling his profile name - how far would the leak go if I remained linked to him on facebook? He saw it as a lack of trust and a breach of privacy to not ask first. My arguing the above point just upset him more that I was not understanding his perspective.

I originally thought he was primarily upset about me finding the OKC profile, and I think it muddied the waters a bit in my mind, because what was ON his OKC profile rather upset me. But because that is a whole other topic I avoided bringing it up to him until today, when we have started talking about where our boundaries and expectations are from a much calmer outlook.

But I did find out that it was not that I found his OKC profile - it was as london said, he was upset the WAY I found it - by running a search on his name as opposed to asking him if he had a profile.
__________________
current relationships:
Guy - Dom/husband
Cru - (no longer dating)
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 11-02-2013, 01:52 AM
Piroska's Avatar
Piroska Piroska is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 78
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
...

Could note what helped -- getting outside POVs, apologies, willing to "co-own" co-creating a fuzzy area, etc.

Could not what did NOT help -- trying to solve too many things at once, trying to solve it when it's too emotionally fresh rather than taking a time out to gather thoughts, texting, etc.

Then you can use that to help next time something comes up you have to solve together.

HTH!

GG
Definitely getting outside POVs helped. Me apologizing and being calm did trigger his own apology - but the way he wrote it, he had already calmed down also. We were able to more quickly get to a place where we can start working on clarifying and sorting out.

Definitely going to keep in mind in the future to not try to address everything at once.
Not trying to solve it when it's emotionally fresh is harder - we tend to blow things up worse if we ignore each other when we're mad. I posted the question here pretty much right after he turned off the IM and went to bed (thereby refusing to continue the conversation). But it's true, we were both tired and it was probably not the best time to start the discussion, right when he was pissed off because he got notification of the OKC profile visit.

Texting is the hardest one. We're slightly long distance with opposing work schedules, and he's partially deaf. So the primary way we communicate is IM-text, usually at night when he's at work. Phone calls are out even outside of work because of his hearing, and in person is much rarer than we want/need it to be due to scheduling and family circumstances. Last time we had an argument I tried to wait for when we would see each other next to talk about it, because we process much better and calmer in person, but we ended up returning to talking about it in text before that happened. We did sort (that one) out and find an agreeable place, so I'm reasonably confident we can do so with this argument, but I feel the arguments would happen less often if we saw each other more often. So, adding another reason to making the in person meetings a priority.
__________________
current relationships:
Guy - Dom/husband
Cru - (no longer dating)
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 11-20-2013, 01:29 PM
Piroska's Avatar
Piroska Piroska is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 78
Default stupid

So, I guess I just don't learn. I'm not really asking for advice right now - just venting a bit.

We discussed things, and his requirements are that I do not search on himself, his exes, or his kids. That if I want to know something, I ask first. I agreed to abide by these rules.

This should be all well and good, right?

Well, we usually use yahoo to chat since it works on his phone. But it hasn't been working on his phone for a few days. It occurred to me that we had used gmail several months ago, and maybe it would work. I rarely log into gmail - and I'm on google+, which he is also, but again, I never use it, don't really know how it works. I was in his circle, and he was in my circle. So I click on his name in my list of contacts, it opens a new message, and it opens his google+ profile. There's really nothing there. I know that I have a dozen or so random people (strangers) who "have me in their circles", so when it listed "5 people have Morp in their circles" I moused over it out of curiosity, not looking for anything. One of the names caught my eye - the name of his ex girlfriend, the mother of his youngest child. So I clicked on it.

Bad move.

Her avatar picture was a photo of his youngest, and she had a bunch of photos up, which were beyond adorable. By this time, he'd gotten my message, and responded back that it seemed to be working on his phone. I suddenly realized this was probably not something he wanted me to do, so I told him exactly what had happened, and I closed the tab.

He was furious with me. Is, I guess. He didn't talk to me for the rest of yesterday, except for an email telling me how I had violated his trust, and broken the boundary, and was transgressing on his very biggest dealbreaker - interference with his kids. I'm still not allowed to talk to him. He is trying to figure out if there is any way we can stay together or if he's just going to dump me.

So, I know I was stupid. I know he said to ask first. My brain did not engage as fast as it should have. I was in the wrong. So not really needing any advice; I should have kept to the rules I'd agreed too. I just kinda needed to vent a little.
__________________
current relationships:
Guy - Dom/husband
Cru - (no longer dating)
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 11-20-2013, 01:58 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

I'm sorry but I have to laugh.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 11-20-2013, 01:59 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

You guys should get whatsapp.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 11-20-2013, 02:00 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 115
Default

I don't know, doesn't seem like you went actively searching and what you did was probably something most would do in that situation. If he's that paranoid about you seeing stuff about his children then it's up to him to protect that information.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
okcupid, privacy, usernames

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:08 AM.