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  #11  
Old 10-20-2013, 02:49 PM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
When you lose a loved one, it's common to want to talk about the pain and sorrow that you're feeling. No one would dream of responding to that with "Yeah, well, they're dead. You can't change that, so why are you talking to me about it? What am I supposed to do?"
Thank you. That helps put things in perspective. I suppose I just already feel like I'm the one out of the three of us who always has to talk about their feelings. I don't want to bombard them, especially with things that I know she'll feel erroneously guilty about. Yet, at the same time, I do recognize the significance of my evolving emotions, and keeping them from her would be like lying.

Maybe this entire relationship happened so that I could finally see what kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know. I went out with another girl a couple of times while I was with my current partner. I thought that perhaps that would help balance out all of my emotions. But I ceased contact with the other girl, because I wasn't into it at all. All I want is what I can't have... c'est la vie, I suppose.

I realize that I chose this. I chose to give this a try. It's no one's fault. Not theirs. Not mine. I just didn't foresee these emotions, and I'm not sure I can carry on with this much longer. Every day I spend with her makes me fall deeper in love with her. Therefore, it hurts all the more when I realize how different our desires for certain things are, like having kids.

I really wish I knew exactly what to do, but it seems like the first only logical step is just to spill my guts to her.
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  #12  
Old 10-21-2013, 01:31 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Are you saying you want to be child free? And her wanting to have a child makes it a total dealbreaker for you?

GG
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  #13  
Old 10-21-2013, 02:04 AM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Are you saying you want to be child free? And her wanting to have a child makes it a total dealbreaker for you?

GG
Not simply that. I assumed that this would happen at some point, but I didn't realize it would happen so soon. She seems to be fixated on getting pregnant, and I'm still just fixated on her. That presents a problem for me, and it makes me wonder if my feelings are stronger than the ones she reciprocates. I guess my main concern is the emotions I'm experiencing that I never expected. Although I love her and her husband very much, it's becoming agonizing for me to see them interact, because I know that they will always have so much more together than she and I will. Please understand that I completely own these emotions, and I understand that many find them ridiculous. Sometimes, even I can't find logic in them. In the beginning, I really thought that I may be polyamorous. But since meeting her, I have no interest in anyone else. That is the exact irony that pisses me off. Why does it have to be a married woman that I suddenly want monogamy with? I understand that if I plan on staying in this relationship, I will need to completely rebuild my expectations and desires. But I also understand that if I leave, I'll be heartbroken.
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  #14  
Old 10-21-2013, 02:24 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I am sorry for your pain.

May I ask upon what you base your assumption that your lady love and her husband will always have so much more together than the two of you? Is that because of the biology of their offspring or something else?
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  #15  
Old 10-21-2013, 03:00 AM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
May I ask upon what you base your assumption that your lady love and her husband will always have so much more together than the two of you? Is that because of the biology of their offspring or something else?
I don't really think it's biology as much as it is my fear of always being secondary. Our relationship will always be closeted (this is not ideal, I know... but it's just the way it is). I want her on my arm—not because I want the whole world to see—but because I enjoy the freedom of expressing my love openly without worry. But that is just simply not an option for us. She and her husband are a package deal. They belong together, and everyone knows it. They don't have to hide their affection. But I do. They will have holidays together. They have eternity together. And although neither of them have EVER made me feel like the third wheel, I definitely feel like I am a lot of the time.
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  #16  
Old 10-22-2013, 01:58 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Before, I was in the relationship with the couple that ended badly, I was in a relationship with another couple that lasted a couple of decades - until his passing. Like you, it was necessary to refrain from any PDA. Initially, it was tough for me. However, I ultimately decided that the outside world was not a good frame of reference for determining my secondary status, especially since inside the house, I was never treated as secondary. I was an equal partner. It sounds to me like your couple is doing what they can to integrate you into equal partner status. Are you willing to lose not only your lady love, but what sounds like a loving, considerate metamour due to no PDA?

Also, much to our relief and amusement, we would take vacations to places no one knew us and PDA to our heart's content - all three of us. It was fantastic to watch the reactions.
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  #17  
Old 10-23-2013, 02:26 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I'm deeply sorry for your pain.

Seems to me there are a few things going on here--

NRE (new relationship energy)
couple privilege
to breed or not to breed

You've only known her 6 months, so you're still in NREland. Yes, she seems great, all you've ever wanted in a woman, the hormones say. But wait! She wants kids, you don't. So, she's not exactly the perfect woman for you, after all. This is a huge stumbling block for those that are in the child-free mindset. Many a couple has broken up over this.

Also, they have the American dream going... A male, a female, a baby in the near future (gods willing). That is supposed to be a complete unit in this society. However, apparently she's polyamorous, and he's at least polysexual. Is this a phase, this dalliance with you? Will they forget all about having extra love/sex partners once a demanding baby, no time for dates, sleepless nights, etc., comes their way?

One thing I am harping on lately is, when you are poly it's (relatively) easy to fall in love. But actually nurturing and sustaining a relationship, that's the harder but crucial bit. It could be the issues you are having, it could be others. But the only way to work things out is to have many many open, painfully honest talks. If they don't feel they "need" to talk about their emotions like you do, guess what? If they want to keep you, they do need to. They need to hear you, they need to think deeply about what having you in their lives long term will look like. Having kids is hard. Being poly and having kids is even harder. Do a tag search for "kids/children and poly" here.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #18  
Old 10-24-2013, 01:37 AM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
One thing I am harping on lately is, when you are poly it's (relatively) easy to fall in love. But actually nurturing and sustaining a relationship, that's the harder but crucial bit. It could be the issues you are having, it could be others. But the only way to work things out is to have many many open, painfully honest talks. If they don't feel they "need" to talk about their emotions like you do, guess what? If they want to keep you, they do need to. They need to hear you, they need to think deeply about what having you in their lives long term will look like.
Thank you. This response felt very well-balanced and realistic. I realize after reading this that the only way I'll be able to navigate my emotions is by having an honest discussion with her. I'm trying to work up the nerve to do it tonight. I'm trying very hard to do what's right. And for now, that may be just taking things a step at a time. The things that she has to say may very well determine what my next move is. I'm trying to keep a clear head. I know that even if we go our separate ways, I will forever be grateful for the experience of loving her.
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  #19  
Old 11-01-2013, 01:17 PM
polywannacrackeryo polywannacrackeryo is offline
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Hi, all. I thought I'd post a little update, as it's been about two weeks since my original post. I think perhaps I'm gaining a better understanding of my specific concerns. Several things have happened... some positive. Still, some things feel like a setback. I ended up talking to my partner last week about how I was feeling. I explained that she and her husband aren't doing anything wrong, and that I'm dealing with my own insecurities. I explained that I've been navigating our relationship in the same way I would any relationship. The difference is that this is the first poly relationship any of us have experienced, and all of us are learning as we go. I even told her that I sometimes mourn the life I'll never have with her, as in a mono relationship. But I also explained that I'm learning about all of the positive poly things, too. We discussed the possibility of them moving, and she told me that she wants me to come with them if they go. (This was refreshing to actually hear from her... because she's so "go-with-the-flow" sometimes that she doesn't communicate to me how she feels about things like this. Her husband is usually the one to say, "We'd love it if you came with us.") Overall, I was happy with the conversation because it seemed to clear a few things up for me in terms of what her thoughts are.

Now, remember she and her husband are trying to get pregnant? This really threw me for a loop when I first found out... mainly because it was the first I'd heard about it. Last night, for the first time, she actually talked to me (on her own accord) about the emotions surrounding this topic for her. She really has a deep, maternal desire, and hearing her talk about it really made me excited for her. I was honestly surprised about how okay I felt about it, and I really think it came down to the fact that she made me feel a part of it. I thanked her for that, because that made the difference to me. I can't say I'm totally over the whole "he can give you a baby and a life that I never could" thoughts. They do creep in sometimes. But I feel that maybe I'm developing the tools needed to navigate those emotions when they arise.

Now, for the not so good feels. Here is the stuff that cuts me to the bone. I've had time to reflect, and I think it comes down to this: I fear that I love her more than she loves me. That's the easiest way to put it. Now, let me explain:

Because of my partner's job situation, she spends most of the week with me. Her husband lives three hours away, and is in the process of finding a job. They see each other every weekend: either she goes there, or he comes here and we all three spend the weekend together. I completely understand that she would miss him terribly when they're not together. I totally get that. But they are both so miserable right now, that I feel like there's nothing I can do to help pull her out of the slump. Instead of enjoying the time we have together, she's sad because she misses him, or because of the pregnancy issues, etc. We haven't been having sex nearly as often as we used to. And yes, we've talked about it. Because of some medications, etc, her sex drive isn't as high as it used to be. I believe that, and I'm okay with it. But it's really difficult for me to go 2-3 weeks without sexual intimacy with her, but yet know they're having sex every single time they see each other, because she wants to get pregnant. And when he visits here for the weekend, they're in the next room making love while I'm crying myself to sleep.

And it's not just sex, either. We had a wonderfully strong emotional connection for the first few months of our relationship. I'm sad to say I continue to feel that connection fading as time goes by... not from me, but from her. I know that NRE is definitely an issue here, but I feel just as strongly as I ever have, and I honestly get the feeling she doesn't. I know the only way to know is to ask, so I have. I ask all the time. She continually tells me that she loves the way things are going, that she's still attracted to me, that she wants to continue exploring what we have. But it's like this: I think about her and our relationship all the time. She doesn't seem to do that at all. An example: Last night, we actually went on a date. I was looking forward to it all day long. When I got home from work and asked if she still wanted to go to a movie, she said, "Oh yeah! I forgot. Yes, I still want to go." She forgot. I just don't understand how you can forget about plans that you made with a person you say you love. I just feel like my emotions are one-sided.

I honestly feel like it's one step forward and three steps back for me at this point. I make progress, and then the feeling of rejection hits me like a ton of bricks. I don't know what to do. I know everyone is going to say "talk about it". But I have. From her point of view, everything's peachy, I guess. But actions speak louder than words, and I'm not feeling the love.
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  #20  
Old 11-01-2013, 01:57 PM
crazyinlove crazyinlove is offline
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I have been reading your thread and what you are saying hit home with me. I am also a lesbian who dated a married woman for over a year. I too felt the love was one sided. She broke up with me at leadt 3 times while we were together. The last was in August. Ive been an emotional mess since questioning did she really love me, was i was just an object. Someone who filled some need hubby wasnt. Was i just a play toy for her to get some need met and my needs were not important. I know now that i was never poly. Like you i wanted only her. I couldnt be with anyone else. The love i felt was deep.
Ive had time to reflect i realize i was deeply resentful of her commitment to him. Their history together. That he always came first. That we never had dates. That he was always the 3rd wheel when we did have our time together. Please dont bash me for saying that people. She treated me terribly and i hung on.
At one point 5 months into our relationship She threatened me with if you dont date my husband then i cant have a serious girlfriend which she later denied ever saying.
When she shattered my heart she told me her hubby wanted monogamy and that they are renewing their wedding vows on their anniversary. She wanted to be just friends with me. That was so hurtful and made me realize i was just a toy. Somehow i made their marriage closer.
She told me she couldnt meet my needs. That she only loves him.
September rolls in she is posting passive aggressive stuff about me on facebook. I contacted her. She cried. Invited me to her house. How she will never date another woman unless its me..blah vblah...to days later thank you for the energy we shared as a couple. At this point we can only be friends. Theres more to the convo which lasted 5 hours. I flipped out. She told me i misinterpretated what she said.

I dont know how or what your girl feels. Our situations may be completely different.
Just know something. Go with your gut. If it feels one sided then its one sided. He will always come first.
Pm if you like.

Last edited by crazyinlove; 11-01-2013 at 02:00 PM.
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