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Old 10-31-2013, 06:48 PM
deadstars deadstars is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
Default 2 boyfriends, no sex?

Ok that is my situation, I am a 28 year old girl,
first time I wrote here was a year ago when I started seeing my now second partner.
It's pretty official I have two boyfriends now,
which each have sporadic sexual relations with other people. But not very often right now.

My first BF i-ve been with him for 5 years, and I-ve always understood his not so high libido and sexual urge compared to me, eventhough before I've started dating with my second BF I was a bit demanding on my first BF, but then I became not demanding with him.

Problem is, now my second boyfriend has a moment in which he doesnt feel he wants to have sex with me like before.
I have to say we did have sex very often and with a lot of intensity during that year we.ve been together. Less in the last months I guess, but in the beggining it was quite crazy.

Our relation had a lot of sexual, because in the beggining the idea was we were just lovers for sex but in the end we felt in love and ended up caring and loving each other deeply.
Now I can't imagine having two relationships in which I don't get as much sex at all and having to look somewhere else for it... I'll end up with no time for myself, maybe stressed up about having two boyfriends that bored sex with me...

I am pretty accepting of some biology facts, but I also believe all this has to do with me being for them this person that is embed in their routines.

The three of us are super busy...
With my first boyfriend we have this relationship in which we help each other out a lot in our lives, is more me helping him sort out stuff, but anyway, we see each other a lot for lot for mundande quotidian stuff...3/4 times a week stimes more.

with my second boyfriend, we nearly allways see each other between the small time he has from studying or working to sleeping. like 2 times a week lately, stimes 3
Allways in each others houses, he says he will not be able to help the fact he has no more time than that.
He says he reaally likes our relationship, he somehow likes me embed in his routine, to see me often and tell each others our life, problems, etc.... he says is like im a part of him...
which is nice but to me it also means I've become so familiar to him that im not very stimulating anymore I'd say...

When I recently questioned him, after having this feeling is mostly me starting the action during the last times, and having finally a nice trip out from the city and nothing sexual happening;
he said he hates the situation but he doesnt feel like having sex with me like before... that he can't help it or doesnt know why or what to do... he'd love it to be different, that he wants to do sth about it but doesnt know what.
At the same time he tells me he would still like to be with me without the sex, but Im not sure then how I would feel.

that he understands this is so crap for me then, but he really doesnt want what we have to end....
But we concluded that we will try to find a way....

to me this is all really hard. Coz i see it as a change that is not positive, it makes me realise aswell I conformed myself with my first boyfriend to dont have much sex already...
but because i justified he always had a low sex drive.
But with my second boyfriend... well I really dont know how It can be to see him and not have sex and not feel strange in a long term... I dont know what to do either.

He doesnt know either if that is a permanent thing or if its just now, if it is just about his libido or it is a me and him sexual thing, the usual so familiar that it gets boring...

I mean, is there anything I can do?
Or should I just accept this situation?

He talks about unknowing each other and knowing each other again as an idea, but he doesnt have a clue how that works, he knows he wants us to be together, I know that too,
maybe this thing requires to be apart from each other for a while,
we did talk about trios some times, but we havent known anyone interested yet or looked extensively.

Ok, well can't wait to hear what you think...

Last edited by deadstars; 10-31-2013 at 07:31 PM.
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Old 10-31-2013, 08:35 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,785

How old are your boyfriends?
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 11-01-2013, 01:05 AM
deadstars deadstars is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
Default was hlight

30 my first boyfriend, 25 my second boyfriend
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Old 11-01-2013, 02:33 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

As you realized with your first bf, sex drives are different and his is lower than yours. With bf number 2, the first year you were caught up in NRE. Doesn't matter how much you love one another or find each other attractive, it's impossible to maintain NRE forever. You've had a good go.

That said, one thing that can hit a guy's libido is too much going on. Your guy is working and going to school. That is a big load and a lot of responsibility. Once the NRE subsided and you two began interacting at normal brain chemical levels, the work / school may be overloading his resources to the point he doesn't have much reserve sex.

In other words, probably due to the load and temporary.
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Old 11-01-2013, 03:09 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519

If you keep acquiring boyfriends in order to supplement your sex life....that's gonna get tough to maintain.

There are other ways to go about that, and this community is certainly not one that would judge.
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Old 11-01-2013, 03:21 AM
deadstars deadstars is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8


?? cant even understand if you are trying to make a joke or what are you saying...it doesnt help me much...

bookbug thanks, i've been allways conscious weve been hardly drugged by NRE for quite a while and is true him having no time can not help.
More to say, the more stable the relation it got between us the more eager and confident in getting responsabilities he has become.
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Old 11-01-2013, 03:42 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

I think PolyinPractice is suggesting that you don't start a new relationship simply to have more sex. Just go and have some NSA casual sex with someone.
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Old 11-01-2013, 01:15 PM
deadstars deadstars is offline
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8

I dont know if I haven't expressed myself properly or what is the problem, but I don't like how you suggest that I got into a second relationship just to strategically keep this person for the sex.
I started casual sex and it ended up in a wonderful relationship because I really liked the person and now I have doubts about what is gonna happen in our relationship.

I know I can have casual sex with other people and satisfy my urges, but that is not my question, I came to ask for opinion about how to deal with the situation of sudden low desire in a relationship.
How to proceed, what can help us.
This is not only about me getting what I want but in the long run making my relationships as fullfilling for everyone as possible.

We talked yesterday with my first BF and he said we gotta take care of us allways being stuck in a routine and that we have to change that.
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