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Old 11-01-2013, 10:43 AM
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Piroska Piroska is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 90
Unhappy Privacy concerns

I have a question for you all - it's not really a poly question, but it pertains to privacy, which does come up in polyamory a lot, so maybe this is ok?

My boyfriend and I just had a huge fight.

I am a fetish performer, live and videos, and writer of erotica among other things. I use the same pseudonym for all of those sorts of things, including a facebook profile, twitter, okc, the whole nine yards. I also have a separate facebook etc profile for my family and vanilla businesses. I met Morp on fetlife, so when we added each other on facebook, I was using the facebook profile that matched my fetlife one. When things got more serious, I switched him as a "friend" to my family/personal facebook profile. My family name is very highly identifiable; the only people in the world that have that last name are my husband's family. So I am very careful about the crossover between my performing name and my family name. I trust him; he'd had my name for some time before I switched it.

I had been nagging him every once in a while to set up (even just an empty) facebook profile that I could use to link to him as a relationship on my performing facebook profile - but if he doesn't, it's not a huge deal. It would be nice, is all. So I was looking at his facebook profile... and realized his facebook username (that he uses for his family and business) is exactly the same as his fetlife username. For me, this would be NOT OK. I didn't want to make a big deal about it though, so I merely pointed it out. He got upset with me, because he thought I was bitching and nagging again, and unfriended me on facebook, over my objection. I dropped it and changed the subject. Eventually, we stopped talking as he was busy at work, and I was busy at home. (we primarily talk IM-text while he's at work)

I got curious if he had used the same username on anything else - he'd told me he used it on online games, that that was where he got it from for fetlife - but I didn't expect anything else. I put it into google, and an OKC profile popped up. I was delighted - I had been curious for some time what he would answer to some of the questions I had on my profile, but I was already nagging him about facebook so I didn't dare suggest he create one on okc too - so I perused it.

Of course, when you are a free user on OKC, when you look at someone's profile, it lets them know. I knew he'd see that I saw it. His reaction when he got the notification was not what I expected - he completely flipped out. He saw it as an invasion of privacy, because I hadn't asked him about an OKC profile, because I'd googled his username. He said it was a double standard that I wanted to keep my privacy but that I violated his.

I had a few points that I tried to explain in a calm and non-temperamental way:
A - it is a public profile on a public site. (even though he told me it was "hidden")
B - this is exactly why I keep my performing and personal name separate. (he calls this a double standard, that I want to keep mine separate just in case someone googles them, but that I google his)
C - it concerned me that my personal name linked to his personal name that linked to his gaming/fetish name that linked to my performing/fetish name.
D - there is no violation of privacy if it is public information. (again, exactly why I take pains to keep them separate)
E - one of the questions on his OKC profile is something to the effect of 'would you google someone you were curious about on okc' and his chosen answer was 'yes - knowledge is power' (so how, again, is this me having a double standard?)
F - one can only have as much privacy as one actively maintains. He says that he has not googled me and therefore I shouldn't do so to him or anyone else. but I told him I don't care if he did - I trusted him, or he wouldn't know my full names - so if he wants to google, have at it. It was all the rest of the random people I don't trust.

I feel that I am completely in the twilight zone or something here - I do not understand how this is my fault or why he is so furious with me. If I am completely off base, maybe someone could point that out. If my reasoning makes sense, maybe someone could explain it in such a way that he understands my point.

Finally - yes, I know I started things on the wrong foot today by nagging him about the facebook profile. I also acknowledge that talking via text is the worst for emotional discussions, because you lose so much communication. I also admit I may have not completely kept my cool, which probably didn't help, but I was trying really hard.
current relationships:
Guy - Dom/husband
Minx - sort of dating
Cru - (no longer dating)
Lee - Guy's girlfriend
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