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  #71  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:43 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Just because I am poly I do not feel jealousy?

I get jealous.. I just take a step back and tell myself that it is my own personal insecurity rearing its ugly head. Murf works with a lot of younger guys. They are Facebook friends. The young single guys post pictures of hot women and Murf commented on a picture and it hit me all wrong. There have been other situations well.

I have been jealous of women hitting on Butch.. I could go on. I am human not a robot.

I choose to deal with it and talk about it.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #72  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
I think you don't do those things (sit at home worrying about him making all sorts of special intimate memories, etc) because you operate/identify as poly. It is different for someone who is basically mono trying to digest jealousy (in my opinion).
I'm Mono.

I work on my jealousy by trying to dig down and figure out what it is I need, rather than by trying to limit what P experiences - I don't mind that my partner makes intimate memories with others. I have great memories from my relationship with my ex-husband, I make great memories with my children, I have other great memories with various friends - none of which involve P, but they are all something I treasure. If P asked me to stop having cherished moments with anyone else in my life, I'd refuse. I don't expect any different when the shoe is on the other foot.

It did take me some time to grow comfortable with the time apart, though. I had NEVER lived alone - I went from high school, right into college with a vast network of friends and various roommates, got married right out of school, and lived with my ex until after our divorce. I didn't know what to DO with myself, and had other problems where I'd been told I couldn't do <x> and <y> for so long ("oh, are you really going to try to fix that? Won't it break? Can you do that? You shouldn't do that. It'll just get ruined. You don't know what you're doing"... UGH), that it took me a while to get my self-confidence back. That was a volatile time for me, emotionally, and I know I would have wanted P with me 24/7 if he could have managed it.

However, I'm discovering that as more "me" comes out, I'm enjoying my alone time. I'm enjoying finding the things that make me tick, outside of a relationship. I *do* treasure the time P's here, and I do miss the hell out of him when he's not, but I'm good with the time I have alone.

Now, that said, my relationship with P started with the caveat that he is poly, and he wasn't going to be living with me 24/7 anyway. If you're dealing with an established partner going from spending all his time with you, to spending less time with you, then yes, I can see where this feels like something's being taken away from you, and it would make it more difficult.

All I can suggest is to ask for the support you need, not to try to fit yourself into a model that may not work for you. Hang in there.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #73  
Old 10-08-2013, 04:12 PM
tamlvscarl tamlvscarl is offline
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Dagferi--sorry I didn't mean to imply that you don't get jealous. I think I meant maybe you were better at dealing with those feelings and looking inward.

YouAreHere--thank you for your feedback as a mono and how you deal with it all. I am working on it, that's why I'm here. Obviously, I plan to stay with my hubby so I do need to learn how to process it and grow from it and not let it take a toll on our relationship.
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  #74  
Old 10-08-2013, 05:43 PM
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Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
Dagferi--sorry I didn't mean to imply that you don't get jealous. I think I meant maybe you were better at dealing with those feelings and looking inward.
All of our life experiences help shape how we respond to our environments. Responses like envy and jealousy start when we are kids and continue to either be reinforced as an appropriate response or not.

By the time we are adults and come to a challenging worldview like polyamory, some folks seem to be "naturally" better at it than others. However, when we look at it more closely, that isn't the case. One person isn't naturally more or less controlling than another person, I suspect. When IV decided that she was absolutely not monogamous, desired a more free lifestyle, and eventually identified as poly she never struggled with envy and jealousy to a notable degree. Her life experiences to that point had long since trained her to give responses like jealousy and envy no weight and instead to appreciate what she had.

So in her case your assessment would seem to be correct, since IV identified as poly she never really had any issues with jealousy and envy. However, upon closer inspection we could identify that she did not have problems with jealousy and envy and this was likely part of the impetus to be poly - not the other way around.

When people are confronted with an idea like having multiple romantic partners and respond with a great deal of insecurity, jealousy, and envy, what is probably true is that this person has had far more experiences reinforcing jealousy than those which prompted them to learn to move past it. I have heard many times from mono folk that "I don't share well" and I think they are closer to reality than they understand. I expect that they never learned to let go of their surroundings and to let people be. From an early age and throughout adulthood they never learned that they are not entitled to someone behaving a certain way simply "because that's the way it is".

When someone with these life experiences slams face first into their first real experience with learning to stop controlling their partner - I'm sure it is quite a start and there is likely a lot of work to be done.
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  #75  
Old 10-09-2013, 05:46 AM
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I can see the logic in supposing that a "natural-born" polyamorist will tend to have less struggles with jealousy than a natural-born monogamist, as well as the logic in supposing that a practicing polyamorist will have more experience (than a practicing monogamist) in coping with what few jealousies he/she has.

I don't think I was ever meant to be a monogamist, but I was raised in a staunch monogamous Utah Mormon home, and I was definitely made to understand that one-man one-woman unions are the only unions sanctioned by God. I was in my church for life, and in that church, gay and poly marriage don't exist. So there is definitely no sharing, and every reason to plum freak out when one's spouse develops a new love interest. It's actually instant grounds for divorce.

But one day, long before my truly brain-twisting epiphanies wherein I said screw Republicans, and then, screw Libertarians because they're too Republican, and then, screw the church because its members and leaders aren't one iota more Christlike (let alone honest) than the mob ... long before those ugly days, back when I was still in denial that I could somehow fit in and still please Jesus: My wife, my best friend, and I were hiking in the mountains above my wife's hometown in Oregon.

During this hike, I had opportunity to reflect on some things. Like my best friend, who was always a little slow in some ways (but obsessively learned in things like Warhammer), who struggled socially and never could seem to be around women without great, awkward, uncomfortable, epic fail. It really struck me up in those mountains to observe him and my wife interacting -- comfortably, easily, joyfully, like lifelong friends. In my mind I thought, "It's like my wife is the only woman in the world who my friend could be with."

And then I was soberly asking myself, "So how about it cowboy? Would you be willing to share your wife with your best friend? assuming she was okay with it of course." I expected my next thought to be, "Yeah right, that's a leedle too weird." Instead, I bowled myself over by thinking, "That would be the coolest thing in the world. I've never been able to give my friend a decent gift -- not really. In this scenario, I'd be able to thank him properly for his friendship."

These thoughts were totally against church doctrine, and as such, represented something that could never happen. And I had no clue at that time that I was going to leave (or disobey) the church. Yet for a reason I can't explain, the idea *seemed* possible. Hell, everything seemed possible on that special day.

Never before in my life had I ever thought a polyamorous thought. So that day was the beginning of my long journey from monogamy to polyamory. But I suppose, given how easy that first step was, that I was always destined to end up in polyamorous circles. It was just a matter of time.

The first time I *ever* struggled with romantic jealousy was after I and my two companions had come together as a V. It was the first time any of us had practiced polyamory, and darn near the first time any of us had even heard the word "polyamory."

Well. Two (hetero) men and one (hetero) woman. Need I say more? There began to be situations when one man was off by himself, while the woman and the other man were off by theirselves, having sex or fun or laughing together or who knows what. This didn't bother me when the woman and I parted on good terms. But when we parted after an argument, all I could think about was how I was sitting alone in a state of rage, anguish, guilt, hopelessness, and bottomless lonesomeness, and she was off with the other man having a good time with him. It made me want to lash out at them, spew out sarcastic comments about what a great time I hoped they were having, "assuring" them that they needn't worry about the forgotten wreckage they had left on the side of the road.

Time and hard experience did gradually teach me that this jealousy I felt was actually a manifestation of things like separation anxiety, and the fact that I didn't feel like my needs were getting met. Over the years, as the lady of our V got better at meeting both men's needs, presto chango, I discovered that the jealous feelings (and all the indescribable angst that came with them) faded away and vanished.

Today I couldn't even tell you when's the last time I felt jealous. I suppose I might feel a microscopic twitch of jealousy now and again: not very often, not very painful, and not very significant. More like one of those weird thoughts that pops into your head out of nowhere and you think, "Where did that come from?"

Understand, then, that no matter how much harder it is for a monogamist to get past that jealousy than it is for a polyamorist: it can be done. It's all about figuring out what needs you need met, what special concessions, what little favors, what timely assurances, in order to soothe the owie feelings and make you feel like a whole person again. It takes a lot of time, patience, and communication. Did I mention it takes a lot of time? It won't happen overnight. But someday, maybe a year from now, you'll be able to look back and say, "Hey, I can see that I've made some progress."

One thing monogamists and polyamorists alike, as a whole, share and struggle with, is insecurity. The thought that, "Am I good enough? Do I deserve to be loved? Am I wanted just the way I am?" All of us have to work on those questions together.
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  #76  
Old 10-10-2013, 03:40 PM
drinnt drinnt is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Today I couldn't even tell you when's the last time I felt jealous. I suppose I might feel a microscopic twitch of jealousy now and again: not very often, not very painful, and not very significant. More like one of those weird thoughts that pops into your head out of nowhere and you think, "Where did that come from?"

Understand, then, that no matter how much harder it is for a monogamist to get past that jealousy than it is for a polyamorist: it can be done. It's all about figuring out what needs you need met, what special concessions, what little favors, what timely assurances, in order to soothe the owie feelings and make you feel like a whole person again. It takes a lot of time, patience, and communication. Did I mention it takes a lot of time? It won't happen overnight. But someday, maybe a year from now, you'll be able to look back and say, "Hey, I can see that I've made some progress."
Wow dude! That was an amazing story! Thank you so much for sharing all that!!! I just came back to check the thread and BAM! Very inspiring!
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  #77  
Old 10-10-2013, 10:12 PM
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Thanks, Steve.
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  #78  
Old 10-31-2013, 08:08 PM
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Oh wow, sorry for resurrecting this thread but I have not read it before and only found it because the OP was online and had a suspiciously high post count for a Unicorn Hunter and wow...just wow...especially this part:

Quote:
Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
but I have never been emotionally romantic with a woman. So for the last few years I have been trying to see if I could feel those things with someone of the same sex as myself but so far I have not dated anyone so I truly don't know if I am capable of that. I don't plan on leaving my husband so it is a constant struggle. At my core, yes I am mono but I am in love with a poly man.
Anyone who wonders why I am SO hard on UHers, it is reading threads like this...smh.
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  #79  
Old 10-31-2013, 09:00 PM
Vicarious Vicarious is offline
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Oh wow, sorry for resurrecting this thread but I have not read it before and only found it because the OP was online and had a suspiciously high post count for a Unicorn Hunter and wow...just wow...especially this part:



Anyone who wonders why I am SO hard on UHers, it is reading threads like this...smh.
I still don't understand why people in the poly community have such an afflictation to almost 'shame' a person that questions their emotions around whether they can embrace polyamory. The OP'r has challenges with how her relationship with her husband is going. She has challenges with how hard it is for some people to embrace the lifestyle easier than others, and is wanting dialogue. I think she IS doing the work to try and make her marriage work. So what if she has tried to explore ideas around bi-sexuality. Is that a reason to 'be hard' on Uhers?

I enjoy reading thought provoking responses from people that can come from a place of curiousity and asking questions, versus ones from people that judge a person and what they are going through.
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  #80  
Old 10-31-2013, 09:23 PM
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I think she IS doing the work to try and make her marriage work. So what if she has tried to explore ideas around bi-sexuality. Is that a reason to 'be hard' on Uhers?

Because they are bringing other people into their unhealthy dynamic that is why. I couldn't care less what a couple do between themselves but she is advertising for an equal third partner after finding a V doesn't work for them, why didn't the V work I asked myself? So I read this thread, because she was jealous and felt left out.....their response? Find a flaming Unicorn. Yes that is a jolly good reason to be hard.

If it was stated in the advert that this might be entirely experimental on her part, I would not mind so much but it doesn't and what happens to the sparkly Golden Unicorn if she finds out that a) She can't love another person and B) That she is not Poly?

I think that is a very valid question to ask.
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