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Old 10-31-2013, 06:00 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,172
Default So normal

Originally Posted by Drummerboy74 View Post
Well, we recently met this 23 year old guy that lives about an hour away from us. He is not out yet, has a good new job, he is very cute, and he had only been with one guy before meeting my hubby and I. He had every opportunity to meet people, but had never gone through with it. He wanted to meet us because we actually had a conversation with him instead of the "you looking??" responses you get from a lot of the guys online (which is how we met). Also, he found us both very attractive, and got a good vibe from us.

We've since had this guy over 3 out of the past 5 weekends, and again in a couple of weeks. We've gone out to sports bars, had beers, took our small boat out, went hiking -- all together. Laying in bed with these two handsome guys is unbelievably hot to me. We've had some pretty passionate sex together, to be honest. There is something about the dynamic of the 3 of us that is really exciting to me. I love hanging out as a trio, I love seeing my hubby interacting with him, and the goofing around between the 3 of us. I know there is an age difference here, but it truly doesn't seem like it when we hang out - in any way. He's a mature 23 (or we are an immature 39/37). Ha. And I know he likes us, and loves hanging out with us. It just kinda clicks well.

All of this (finally) brings me to my question. Is this normal?? I know my hubby has really little to no interest in having a "boyfriend". He's called our new friend more of a "friend with benefits" kind of relationship. He has a much easier time with keeping sex and emotions separate than I do, anyways. He doesn't want to lead this guy on at all, and I know that this young man is really new to this whole thing anyways. But the thought of the 3 of us together, even once in a while, is very exciting to me. I think I've come to realize after hanging out with our new friend that I wasn't necessarily looking for random hookups when we played with a third, but a potential "boyfriend" of sorts -- or some one person that we could have a sort of relationship with
Congrats! You are a very normal gay man! And so is your husband and your FWB (for lack of a better term). It is quite common for committed gay men to have some sort of an open relationship - NSA sex, FWBs, - some configuration of ethical non-monogamy. There are studies about this out there somewhere.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Here in poly land, where we can be male, female, trans, poly, mono partnered with a poly, bi, gay, straight, pansexual, we usually call having casual NSA sex "swinging." In that configuration, steps are taken to NOT become emotionally attached, and love is a bad word.
I have to disagree with Mags here. I don't consider all casual, FWB, NSA etc. sex to be swinging. I don't consider all sex where an emotional component is not wanted to be swinging. Open relationships, swinging, casual sex, NSA, FWB can all be subsets of ethical non-monogamy. Swinging to me is more of a subculture of ethical non-monogamy, one that often does emphasize physical and friendly connections over emotional and romantic connections. But there are many swingers who only swing with others that they have developed an intimate connection with. For me, the line between swinging and poly is a fine one - they can shade into each other. Many poly folks are not into casual connections at all but some are. Some swing as well as having multiple romantic relationships. Also swinging tends to be rather hetero-centric, if not outright homophobic. I hear this is slowly changing. But not all poly folks think of casual sex and swinging as the same.

That said, I think Mags has a point - and others who have commented too - is that there is a potential mismatch or difference between what you may want - a romantic triad with three men or some variation of poly where love and romance are part of the relationship, and your husband who seems to prefer a more casual sex, open relationship model where love and commitment to outside partners is not allowed. Your expectations and dreams regarding outside partners may be very different. It is definitely time to start a conversation with your husband not in particular about this young man but about what you may want down the line. Is he ok with outside committed relationships? Do both of you need to be involved with a third man? (Triads are the hardest relationship structure to form and maintain - tag search 'triads' 'unicorn' 'third' 'couple privilege' and similar words here to learn more about triads and get a sense of the pitfalls.) What about each of you being involved with another (that's called a 'V')? If falling in love happens, how to handle it? On this forum, we see a LOT of pain and drama caused by people who expect their partners to walk away from a lover. Personally, I believe it is best to remain more on the casual side of things than inflict that kind of damage on all involved.

It is difficult to control who falls in love with who, especially if there is cuddling, going out on activities together, getting to know each other. That is indeed a recipe for falling in love. It's generally not possible to control feelings. We feel what we feel.

There is lots to mull over here. Lots to learn and sort out what you and he (and maybe the younger man too) believe and where you want to go. This is not a conversation that will wrap up quickly. It could take years. But now is a good time to start it with your husband, regardless of how things shake out with the young man.

But... it is probably a bit early to start this kind of conversation with the younger man. It is early days yet. And he sounds relatively new to being out, being gay, having gay connections, etc. If things progress emotionally? Well, then yes, conversations with all three of you would be necessary. But if he is ok with being the occasional third in your marital bed? I would hold off until you and your husband have begun talking.
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