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  #681  
Old 10-27-2013, 09:36 PM
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Gosh, that must have been quite a roller-coaster of emotions, two (three counting the second funeral) events of very different themes back-to-back to each other like that. Death is so scary to me. I can only imagine how scary it is to your aunt at this time. You mentioned that she seems lost. I think the death of a loved one does that to us. We can't wrap our minds around the idea that they're gone, and instead we feel like we've somehow gotten separated from them. "Where did he go, and how can I find him?" Lost seems like a pretty good description for that.

It is fortunate that Si wasn't at the wedding. Perhaps she deserves some credit? She knew she wouldn't be able to handle herself properly at the occasion, so she quietly bowed out. At least she made the right decision, I'm pretty sure of that much.

I'm glad these events all had such a wonderfully celebrational air about them. Helps make it an overall positive experience. By the way, I didn't realize Matt was a kitchen wizard. I probably spaced on the memo; wouldn't be the first time.

Will you be back home soon? You must be ready for a rest (you know, a return to normalcy). Hope all goes smoothly for the balance of this year.
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  #682  
Old 10-27-2013, 11:32 PM
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I hope you can stay put for a while now, Ry. Sorry for your losses.

Your French villa just happens to be near where your best friend was renewing her vows?
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  #683  
Old 10-28-2013, 02:20 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Matt left about 9 hours ago. I decided to stay. I am not sure how long I will be staying because my children are in Melbourne, and I hate being apart from them. Matt told me they wanted me around, but my family needs me more than them or my job. He begged me to take some off and give myself time to process all that has happened. I agreed with him. I am not in the frame of mind to be at work.

Rollercoaster is right. I found myself happy in some moments (during the wedding) and crying in others (when I realised that two of my relatives are gone). On top of this my great-grandmother's 96th birthday would have been on Halloween, so I am experiencing a rough bout of anniversary reaction. I officially hate this time of year now.

I have no issue with Si, but I am happy she was not there. I was not up for dealing with her. It has been a rough two weeks, and the last thing I needed was for her to steal my BF's thunder on her day.

Thank you, Mags.

We were always supposed to be in France this weekend. With all the recent changes and upheaval in my romantic life, we decided against bringing our children. I have known about the renewal for over a year. They have been letting our villa since August, and they asked me earlier in the year if they could host the festivities here. I was fine with it. It made more sense than paying some hotel or venue more money. No rules to follow but respect our home. It turned out very nice, and she said it was everything she had envisioned.

Their guests started arriving Thursday, and the immediate family stayed on the grounds. The rehearsal dinner was Friday. The ceremony was Saturday evening. The departure brunch was yesterday, and the guests left shortly after. My BF and her husband left for their honeymoon yesterday afternoon. They never took the time to take one, so it was the first one. Their girlfriend and children made it back home yesterday afternoon. We had someone come in and clean yesterday, but all is quiet around here now.

It was well orchestrated and planned. The only unplanned part of this weekend was another funeral Saturday and bringing my aunt here.

We are returning to London tomorrow. She wants to live there or in a surrounding area. She lives 450 km outside of London, so I understand her desire to move to a more central location and out of the house where he died. She is determined to move in early November. Maybe she needs the change of scenery and pace. Whatever makes her comfortable and feel better.

We talked about my ex and poly over lunch. She asked what was going on and made sure to tell me that she knows me like the back of her hand. I told her everything. She sensed the difference in Matt and our marriage. She was not surprised my relationships with my ex ended in such a volatile way. My ex was not the type of woman she pegged me to be with. She was like, "When you introduced me to life-size Barbie, I expected someone different." She had no issue with me being poly and was supportive, though. Out of all my paternal relatives, she was the only one who was okay with it. She provided some sound wisdom and insight on how to keep my marriage in a happy and healthy place.

All in all, today has been better for her than yesterday.
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  #684  
Old 10-28-2013, 10:20 PM
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Good that your aunt is feeling a bit better, and that she has proven to be a source of wisdom and support for you. I hope she'll find a new home that she loves and feels comfortable in.
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  #685  
Old 10-31-2013, 02:29 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am happy about having a healthy marriage, but then, I feel like something is wrong with me for being happy in a mono marriage. I never believed in wiring, so my wires are not crossed. This should go against my "natural" state, but this feels more natural and like it was always supposed to be this way. I feel like the relationship with Si was never supposed to be part of this chapter of my life, and it pains me to say that. I have taken to it like a duck out of water, and after so many years of something entirely different, why has it come so easily? Yes, I know humans are adaptable creatures, but this is a very strange feeling. I feel like I am not supposed to be this happy. Maybe I am letting others opinions get the best of me. If I know that I am happy, I need to leave well enough alone.

I have doubts about what I once was and how I did things before because the truth of the matter is, I am happier now than I ever was with two relationships. I am significantly happier. I do have more fulfilment, energy, excitement, and passion. Something about these changes have breathed life in to me and our marriage. Granted, this relationship style is new, and we are in a honeymoon like phase. Maybe I need to give it some more time and let the rose coloured glasses fade. It has lead to thoughts like, "Was I just wiping my brow and pushing through because I felt like I had to," or "was that even what I really wanted?"

I need to do some introspection with a spike in doubt. No worries, though. I am happy and just in a pensive state.
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  #686  
Old 10-31-2013, 04:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I am happy about having a healthy marriage, but then, I feel like something is wrong with me for being happy in a mono marriage.
Life is fluid and we tend to go through stages. I know people who never wanted to have kids and were perfectly happy without any, now they find themselves with 2 and are surprised at how happy they are. My oldest has just joined the army and is no longer living at home. My emotions are mixed. I'm thrilled and yet I miss him greatly, then I feel guilty because I can be happy even when a part of me is missing right now.

Quote:
I have doubts about what I once was and how I did things before because the truth of the matter is, I am happier now than I ever was with two relationships. I am significantly happier.
Part of that may be related to the secret war that Si was waging to undermine your marriage. While you didn't see what was happening, the chaos and turmoil was there.

As far as wiring - just because you are capable of loving multiple people, doesn't mean you have the resources (mental, physical, etc) to do so at this point or in any foreseeable future. This is not a bad thing.
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  #687  
Old 10-31-2013, 07:04 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Well, those are normal emotions. Of course you miss your child, but you should also be happy because they are following their dream and well on their way to making you proud for a new set of reasons.

I had a very interesting conversation with my mum about this. Her opinion is that I stopped being happy and stopped loving her in a romantic sense awhile ago and just kind of dealt with the hand I had. She also said that the source of my unhappiness was that the relationship stopped being a source of joy and became more of a nuisance and hindrance. Her argument was to look how fast I reacted and was quick to leave the relationship when I thought I was going to lose Matt. She was like, "You can fool the world and even yourself, but you cannot full your dear old mum." She is probably right.

I ended the relationship with her 23 days after the argument she had with Matt and a short 9 days after he returned home. I hate when my mum's right, but if I was that certain about the relationship and how I was living, I would not have given up almost 13 years in such a short span. There was turmoil there, and it could be that I am happy to be rid of that burden.

I loved Si, but my heart was not in it. She knew it. I never hid the fact that I was still in love with Matt either, and I am sure it was trigger for jealousy. I was on the fence about whether or not it was worth trying to get that spark back.

My mum said she knew about four years ago during my daughter's birthday party that my love for Si had changed. She said it was something in the way I said I loved her, and she thought to herself that the emotion in my voice and my body language did not match what came out of my mouth. She said the way I said it was like when she says things like she loves not having to do laundry. Very detached and unemotional.

I never believed in quantifying love, but I must say that I loved Matt more than her after my children were born. After our daughter was born, I was more in love with him than before, and it happened again after our son was born, too. It actually happened during my pregnancy. She and I did not spend much time together because I was on bed rest, but I never felt like I was missing anything in her absence.

Our counsellor feels like I spent years trying to compensate for the lack of romantic love, and that is why I conducted myself the way I did; pushing to make all things equal. I covered it several months ago, but it makes sense. At some point I probably did think of them as equals, but I fell out of love with her when I had a child with him. Our relationship was never the same after that. Would it be wrong to say I fell out of love with her, in love with my child, and more in love with Matt? My children replaced her in my heart, but there was never a void. I never sought more because those three gave me all that I wanted and needed.

I agree. I might be capable, but I have zero interest in anyone but him. I view the possibility of another relationship as being a daunting task and a headache that I would do anything to avoid.
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  #688  
Old 10-31-2013, 10:47 PM
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Still thinking you owe Matt some kind of penance for having been (lived) polyamorous, but instead you find yourself enjoying great rewards for being (living) monogamous, and this throws the ledger out of balance because you were supposed to be "paying for your poly sins," not getting rewarded for your monogamous transition?

There's so many past sins that I should be paying for, but instead I have this easy life with two companions who totally support me. Guess I try to make up for that by feeling guilty, but then come to think of it, who am I really benefitting by exercising this guilt? Doesn't help me. Doesn't help my companions. Doesn't help the people I sinned against, they're already done with the suffering I caused.

So maybe it's okay to get away with our past sins scot-free? I like my youngest brother's new philosophy in that regard: It's all about focusing on the here and now, not tormenting ourselves with the past or worrying ourselves with the future. After all, the here and now is the one thing we can really do something about.

I think life is difficult enough, even for the luckiest people in the world. Humanity has so far to go in the way of improving life for all living things. And think about all the people who got away with doing really bad things and never even felt bad about it. Oh, how I wish karma was a force we could really rely on!

In "The Fellowship of the Ring," Gandalf and Frodo were discussing Gollum, and Frodo lamented over all the trouble Gollum caused and wished Bilbo had slain him when he had the chance.

Gandalf pointed out that many in this world who deserve death get life, but also that many in this world who deserve life get death. Those who deserve life, he asked Frodo: "Can you give it to them?" and therefore, "Do not be too quick to deal out death in judgment." Point being, perhaps as mortals it's presumptuous of us to propose to "balance the books." We just don't have the power to do that. Therefore our duty seems to be to make the best of whatever unbalanced way the world leans.

Just some food for thought.
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  #689  
Old 10-31-2013, 11:40 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Still thinking you owe Matt some kind of penance for having been (lived) polyamorous, but instead you find yourself enjoying great rewards for being (living) monogamous, and this throws the ledger out of balance because you were supposed to be "paying for your poly sins," not getting rewarded for your monogamous transition?
It does. It has thrown everything off. It is like why are the universe and Matt rewarding me? That is NOT right or how it should be. Everytime he does something, I am expecting something bad. I am peaking out from the shadow of my mistakes and afraid to step all the way out.

Prime example. I love One Republic, and they are going to be in Melbourne in a few weeks. I was bummed that the show was sold out, so he put in a call and landed tickets. He sent me flowers today. Just because he misses me. Everytime he does something, I give him the side eye like, "Mmhm. You are being nice now, but where is that opposite reaction that Newton discussed?" His logic is, "Babe, I am doing the opposite of the reaction you were expecting. Thereby, upholding the application of Newton's III law, in this situation. Check and mate."

Quote:
There's so many past sins that I should be paying for, but instead I have this easy life with two companions who totally support me. Guess I try to make up for that by feeling guilty, but then come to think of it, who am I really benefitting by exercising this guilt? Doesn't help me. Doesn't help my companions. Doesn't help the people I sinned against, they're already done with the suffering I caused.
How true. He thinks I need to just relax. Every time he does something, he reassures me that he is doing it from his heart and because he wants to. He has forgiven me and moved on. He has wiped the slate clean. I have to trust his word and trust myself to not mess this up or hurt him again. That is probably more challenging anything we have been working on.

Quote:
So maybe it's okay to get away with our past sins scot-free? I like my youngest brother's new philosophy in that regard: It's all about focusing on the here and now, not tormenting ourselves with the past or worrying ourselves with the future. After all, the here and now is the one thing we can really do something about.
I suppose. I like your brother's philosophy. I should adopt that.

Quote:
I think life is difficult enough, even for the luckiest people in the world. Humanity has so far to go in the way of improving life for all living things. And think about all the people who got away with doing really bad things and never even felt bad about it. Oh, how I wish karma was a force we could really rely on!
How very true.

Quote:
In "The Fellowship of the Ring," Gandalf and Frodo were discussing Gollum, and Frodo lamented over all the trouble Gollum caused and wished Bilbo had slain him when he had the chance.

Gandalf pointed out that many in this world who deserve death get life, but also that many in this world who deserve life get death. Those who deserve life, he asked Frodo: "Can you give it to them?" and therefore, "Do not be too quick to deal out death in judgment." Point being, perhaps as mortals it's presumptuous of us to propose to "balance the books." We just don't have the power to do that. Therefore our duty seems to be to make the best of whatever unbalanced way the world leans.

Just some food for thought.
Major food for thought. Thank you for that.
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  #690  
Old 11-01-2013, 01:23 AM
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My pleasure, always.
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