Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #201  
Old 10-30-2013, 12:57 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 349
Default

Glad that things are looking positive and that you are meeting some new people! (After my own multiple-breakups-crisis, it took me 18 months just to feel ready to try meeting people again, and then I mostly talked about my ex on the dates!)

How was the road trip? Did you say you went to the U.S.?
__________________
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
Reply With Quote
  #202  
Old 10-31-2013, 03:30 PM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 335
Default

Great to hear that things are looking up for you Cleo. I've missed your posts.
__________________
My live-in partners: rory and Hank
My metamour: Lily (rory's partner)
Reply With Quote
  #203  
Old 11-02-2013, 02:45 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

thanks Mya and MeeraReed!

getting ready for my next date with Brig. Oh boy I like this guy. Butterflies. And I'm scared. Scared to make the same mistakes I made with C. Scared that Brig won't be able to do the poly thing. We've talked about it - but I don't want to talk about it too much. I would love to be able to just let things develop. But.. I like him, oh yes I really do like him.. a lot.
and that's scary. But I guess I already said that
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
  #204  
Old 11-08-2013, 03:55 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 148
Default

Cleo, it's nice to see updates from you! I just wanted to say hello and say I'm glad to see things are going well with you
__________________
Me: 31 year old poly bisexual Dominant female, married to Mark (married 9 years). Dating John, 4 months.

Reply With Quote
  #205  
Old 11-22-2013, 07:11 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

Things are pretty good. I'm enjoying my relationships in all the forms and shapes they take.

Things with Brig are lovely. It's a new thing for me, the relaxedness of it, the feeling of safety and security. We see each other about twice a week. Not a lot of emailing or texting which I like - this tends to make me restless and too dependent on reassurance. We really enjoy each others company, and are getting to know each other, slowly, steadily. Trying not to think of the future too much and living the love as it presents itself to me.

Ren is dating his new gf Mon - they see each other very often, so that with both our schedules, we hardly spend time together these days. This is a bit worrying and we do need to think about this. We are planning to get away together for a weekend later this month.

I had a date with BGuy which was.... nice, but not great. I like the talks, I like the sex. I guess while I was with him I did feel that at that moment, I would rather have been with Brig - which is a feeling I hardly ever get about any of my relationships. I guess it means I'm falling for him pretty hard...

I also had a lovely evening with an old lover, with whom I now have a very close and warm and intimate friendship.

Date with Knight lined up for next week.

Yes, it's all pretty good
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
  #206  
Old 12-11-2013, 05:54 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

Things with Brig are still good. Taking it slow. Not talking about what it all means, not talking about expectations, not talking about the future. Just going from date to date, enjoying each other, getting to know each other. Its new for me and sometimes nerve wrecking. There's so much less reassurance going on than in the early stages of my relationship with C (ex bf). But then again, the reassurance never really worked. It's been very enlightening, this new relationship. He is special - wounded, fragile. I want to take care of him. I don't think that's a bad thing necessarily - I do need to be careful though. but he is also fiercely independent, I am not worried about him claiming me or becoming dependent. Just need to watch my own tendencies to ' mother' a guy.

Things with MrBrown are really good. We had a fabulous date a couple of weeks ago where we celebrated our 2 year anniversary. We've come such a long way. He distanced himself from me and then he came back, and it's ok because I feel in my heart that his love for me never really went away. We are stronger now than before. We see each other once a month maybe. But somehow I always feel he's there, even when we are not in touch.

Scin and I are still in touch, through email, we probably won't see each other until the new year. He is SUCH a great guy. Perfect in every sense except the fact that I am not all that attracted to him. But I think he could become a very good friend. It seems we really ' get' each other.

Had a lovely date with Knight some weeks ago. Walking the streets holding hands, sitting in bars drinking, talking. We never kiss, these days. A nuzzling of the neck. Sometimes his hand on my hair. That's it. This guy... he gets under my skin. I feel such unconditional love for him. If I never saw him again my feelings for him would never change. It's like with his words he penetrates right into the depths of my soul. I am so happy that after almost 3 years, he is still here, in my life, a quiet but burning force in the background, always in my heart.

C got in touch with me. We hadn't talked for months. He sent me an email that he wants to see me to either to 'close' things or to reconnect (whatever that means - as friends, I suppose).
I think I will meet him later this month. I'm scared, that it will rip open old wounds. But I don't want fear of pain to stand in the way of a meeting like this. There's still things I want to say/ask, and I don't want to do it over email. So yes maybe it will hurt. But I am brave and I can handle it. It will be interesting.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
  #207  
Old 12-15-2013, 05:26 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

really lovely date/evening/night/morning with Brig.
He asked me last night, if it bothered me that he was still listed as 'single' on OKC? And that he was thinking about changing that, that it did not feel quite right, to be listed as single.
This kind of blew me away. We haven't talked much, if at all, about 'what we are doing'. We take it one date at a time, we tell each other we like each other and that we enjoy each others company. I talk to him about Ren and he knows about MrBrown. He asks questions about Ren, and has said he prefers to not be told details about my relationship/dates with MrB. Which is all fine.
But it seems he is taking this thing more serious than I thought he was.

This talk came at the end of a function we attended, we were very tired. I did not ask him (but want to, sometime) if he sees himself being mono with me (he's always only had mono relationships) or if he thinks he could at some point add another relationship. There are so many echoes from my time with C. But I am not sure how much of this needs to be discussed, really. Have I learned enough to just take things as they come?

When we were in bed, right before we fell asleep, I felt this surge of love for him and almost said it: I love you. I've known him 2 months. I did not say it. But it felt really good not to say it, but just to lie there and feel the love rushing through me, towards him.

I think this is what poly means to me. This process of connecting, letting someone in on so many levels. And the possibility to keep doing this, limitless, as many times as you want, as long as you have the time and the energy. Boundless love, really.

As the year draws to a close I am happy. It's been a very difficult year. I want to be careful to not just be happy because I have a new love after losing one this summer. I want to feel good, and peaceful, and content, because I have learned I can take bad things on and work through them and keep breathing and still am able, after pain, to open myself up again and let someone in. This is what I am grateful for, this is what I am proud of.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
  #208  
Old 12-31-2013, 06:17 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

I saw C today. For the first time since we broke up in July.
It was beautiful and difficult. He gave me back the stuff that was still at his house. I gave him back his key. We sat outside and had coffee. He basically told me he wants me back. He thinks I rushed into breaking up - that I did not give the new situation (him and his new GF) enough time.
I think I will reread the blog I wrote here tomorrow - but even without doing that, i think I can say I did not rush into breaking up. There were months of pain and him drifting away.

I told him that the fact he took the sex out of our relationship was not ok. That sex is important to me, as a language, as a way to communicate. And that it was not ok that he reproached me for saying that sex was important.

He said it was possible that things would be different now.

I said it was not ok that there were times he said 'we could go to this place but oh no we can't because my other GF might be there and she does not want to see you'.

He said it was possible that things would be different now.

He said he would like me in his life. That I am important to him. That I could come see him and spend the night. Then I gave him back his key and he said 'are you sure you want to give it back?'

I did not respond much to the things he said. I need to think. Can we be friends? Will I always be too frustrated because I wanted him so much (and even today I could feel I am still very much attracted to him)?

I don't know. I am confused. I did not expect this.

Part of me says I should be open to any kind of relationship configuration that makes me feel good. Part of me says there's no going back.

Need to sit on this for a while.


Also - things with Brig are awesome. The love is growing. I went to a family function with him - his mum came over and hugged me. The funny thing is - I don't feel pressured or anything. It's like he doesn't attach meaning to things the way most people would. Like meeting his family - this was not a big deal to him. It was more like "I have this family thing and it's kind of boring and it would be more fun for me if you are there, wanna come?"
So I am trying to go with the flow here and succeeding, pretty well. I feel really good when I am with him. I love getting to know him and opening myself up. It's beautiful and scary and wonderful. More, yes, please.

Today is the last day of the year. Spending it at home with Ren. I have issues with this day - all the pent up energy, all the people feeling the same thing at the same time. I will be glad when tomorrow comes and the new year begins.

Had drinks with one of my best friends earlier today. Lots of messaging with other friends. I am so very blessed in my friendships and the way people love and support me.

Best wishes to all! May love and trust and happiness guide you.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
  #209  
Old 01-01-2014, 06:37 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 348
Default

Good to hear from you, Cleo.

The event with Brigg sounds fun. I hope that you are able to work out what you need to do with your C to be happy.

IP
Reply With Quote
  #210  
Old 01-06-2014, 12:25 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

Thinking a lot about the scarcity / abundance theory lately. I would love, so much, to view my life as being abundant with love, friendship and all sorts of good stuff. Because it IS. Yet it seems so very hard to shake the feelings of being neglected, of not being wanted, of there not being enough.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get there, if the wounds from childhood and early adulthood will ever heal, if the insecurities will ever transform into feeling good about myself?

I still haven't contacted C. I feel I should, I feel I should say something, ask him questions, force progress. But maybe I don't have to, really, maybe I should just let things be? Feels like a cop out.

MrBrown stood me up today. Well, tbh, he cancelled an hour before our date. Did not pick up the phone when I called him in response to his cancellation text. He's been 'gone' the past couple of weeks - not responding to messages, communicating just enough to keep me hanging, but without meaning or content. I keep making excuses for him, but how long am I going to let myself be used this way? Ugh.

Have a date with Scin tomorrow. I doubt there will be anything romantic or sexy - but I'm looking forward to seeing him, hearing his perspective on things, hear how he's been.

Things with Brig are good - but even there I seem to be able to mess things up. It's like it's too comfortable, too easy, I feel like we should talk about what we are doing or where we are going. While when I tell my friends about him, I say that what I like about the relationship, is the absence of these talks. Ugh! I wish I could stop making things so difficult. I know I can. I'm just having a hard time with it and feel flooded by insecurities and a general feeling of unsafety.

One thing I know is that I want to spend more time with me. Turn inward more, instead of looking for validation from others. It's my ongoing battle and I make progress, even though the progress is going so very very slow.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:36 AM.