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Old 10-29-2013, 11:20 PM
alanred alanred is offline
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Default Feeling Lost

It has been a while since my last post and things where going great. My wife and I live together and gf lived out of town. gf would visit every so often and stay for a week or so. This was working out ok. Gf lived with her parents and on the last visit she got into an argument with them and the next hing I know my wife and gf went and packed all of gf's things and she now lived with us.

I was not asked about her moving in and am not ready for this. I decided to give it a try and see how things go. It has been two weeks and it is not going well for me. I feel like My relationship with my wife is suffering a lot. She is less affectionate with me and just seems distant. Every situation is about what gf wants and nothing else seems to matter. The relationship with myelf and gf has never really been more than just friends. My wife kept pushing it to be more and now gf said that she was in love with me and I don't feel the same. I feel like that gf is just "pretending" to be in love with me to please my wife.

I have tried talking about this, all three of us, and wife one on one. Gf just gets mad and wife starts crying and all I really get is just give it more time. I am to the point that I don't want to give this more time. I don't want to lose the relationship with my wife and I enjoy the friendship with gf. But something needs to change.

I also asked if gf/wife if gf was going to look for a job and she said she would. She has not attempted to even try to look. I had talk with my wife about our finances and how we would not support gf for long with out putting less money into savings and she assured me that she would look for a job.

I feel like I am just a roommate and that we can not support gf much longer with out sacrificing our financial future. I really don't know what to do.
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  #2  
Old 10-29-2013, 11:56 PM
Faeryseduction Faeryseduction is offline
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Hubby & I were in a somewhat similar situation recently, although it was my gf who moved in, and it was due to her relationship breaking up with her husband. We really didn't even expect her to contribute financially - we wanted her to save money so she could get on her own two feet and support herself, but unfortunately, I think she thought she was going to stay with us forever. (Not only that, but we had VERY different ideas about what constituted a clean house). Things would have gone much better if we had set better boundaries early on. She never really got a good job, and we actually directed her to another friend looking for a roommate, with whom she moved in, but the damage had been done. Both to our own household and my relationship to her.

I know you probably can't stand seeing two people you love crying and upset, but it seems like your good nature is being taken advantage of. Come up with some reasonable ground rules and perhaps even a timetable of sorts for her to find a job or move on. It's hard, but the primary relationship with your wife is really what counts, and your own needs count too.

Good luck!
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:48 AM
Dstone Dstone is offline
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If you feel so strongly about her supporting her own weight then, perhaps the 3 of you should sit down and agree on a deadline for the GF to be employed by. If she is not, then define a plan toward getting her out of the house. I had to do this with several relatives and friends over the years, and it usually works. I don't like kicking someone out, but most people, when faced with it, will make a higher effort to get off their bumm, and if not, then that person's plan all along is not to work anyway, despite what they show on the outside. If its depression, or something along those lines keeping them from being motivated, then counselling might be in order to boot. In the meantime, it might be appropriate to have the GF do most of the household work as a show of respect for you guys helping her financially, as well as cutting out some of the luxuries that person may be taking advantage of short term, to set in reality, the financial hardships you and your wife have to endure. For example, I used to have the satellite TV service cancelled in our house, whenever we were helping someone get on their feet. It kept them from watching TV all day, and we used it as an excuse, claiming we couldn't afford it while they were there.

Anyway, no matter how it goes, you have to make a decision early on, weather or not your willing to support this person long term, otherwise everyone ends up miserable over it.

just my thoughts on it,...Dstone
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  #4  
Old 10-30-2013, 02:15 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You don't even want to be in a relationship with this chick and they're both saying "give it time?" That's bullshit. If I were you, I'd put my foot down - you can't be forced to live like that. You weren't even consulted, that is the height of disrespect. It's your home, too. Find her a couch to sleep on at one of your friends' place or something, but don't let them push you around. How demanding! Jeez, the crap that people are expected to put up with just gets to me sometimes.
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 10-30-2013, 02:20 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
I was not asked about her moving in and am not ready for this.
This would not work for me at all. I help pay the mortgage in my home, and I wish my husband would move anybody in without talking to me first. Hell would rise and be on earth.

Some people are just not cut out to live together, and it is even worse if it is forced. She moved in after an argument with her parents. Is running away from conflict her thing? Is she any closer to making amends with her parents or landing on her own two feet? Why does she not have a job? Is she helping with housework? Cooking dinner? Doing anything to contribute to the household, or she just watching Bold and the Beautiful all day and eating up all of your food?

Cindie is right. "Give it time" is some bullshit. You like her as a friend, but your wife is pushing her on you in a romantic way. She is claiming to "love" you in order to butter you up like toast, so maybe you will not put her out.

Quote:
I decided to give it a try and see how things go. It has been two weeks and it is not going well for me.
Completely understandable. I would imagine so.

Quote:
I feel like My relationship with my wife is suffering a lot. She is less affectionate with me and just seems distant. Every situation is about what gf wants and nothing else seems to matter. The relationship with myelf and gf has never really been more than just friends. My wife kept pushing it to be more and now gf said that she was in love with me and I don't feel the same. I feel like that gf is just "pretending" to be in love with me to please my wife.
Your wife cannot put her girlfriend before you and make everything about her. You have needs and wants of your own that need to be respected. What is going to happen is you are going to start resenting her or both of them and leave.

Quote:
I have tried talking about this, all three of us, and wife one on one. Gf just gets mad and wife starts crying and all I really get is just give it more time. I am to the point that I don't want to give this more time. I don't want to lose the relationship with my wife and I enjoy the friendship with gf. But something needs to change.
Communication is shitty amongst the three of you. A wise person once said, "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw

One [your wife] is not listening to your grievances or respecting your feelings because if she had an ounce of respect for your marriage, she would have discussed something this important with you and be willing to hear you out. The girlfriend sounds like an immature brat. How old is she? I have no tolerance for so-called grown people throwing temper tantrums. I do not go for it with my children, so I know I would not put up with it from an adult. Stop giving in. One thing I have learned is, when you stop entertaining foolishness, people cut the crap because nobody wants to perform or put on theatrics with no audience.

Quote:
I also asked if gf/wife if gf was going to look for a job and she said she would. She has not attempted to even try to look. I had talk with my wife about our finances and how we would not support gf for long with out putting less money into savings and she assured me that she would look for a job.
Finances are nothing to play with. If you know that you have plans to put money in savings, keep doing it. You should not stretch yourself beyond your means or change anything because your wife acted in haste. The thing is I have no problem helping anyone out, but I will never support another grown ass man or woman if they are able to work.

Quote:
I feel like I am just a roommate and that we can not support gf much longer with out sacrificing our financial future. I really don't know what to do.
Give her a deadline to find a job or tell her that she will have to make other arrangements. Be firm and mean what you say. Plain and simple. If she starts the tears and angry bursts, pass her a tissue, a pillow to scream in, and keep talking. McDonald's is always hiring. If your wife has an issue with it, tell her she is more than welcome to go with her. I believe in tough love.

Would it be possible for you and your wife (and maybe her girlfriend) to sit down with a counsellor? The communication has been dropped and now everyone is suffering. It sounds positively miserable. Put your foot down. She is not paying any bills and probably not contributing anything. You feel like a roommate to your wife. Your wife tunes you out and sides with her. What are the benefits of this living situation again?
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Old 10-30-2013, 04:00 AM
Dstone Dstone is offline
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I agree with the others, but don't forget that you cannot legally kick someone out once they are moved in without some serious notice,...Written agreement, and notice in fact, in many states.
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Old 10-30-2013, 04:28 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dstone View Post
I agree with the others, but don't forget that you cannot legally kick someone out once they are moved in without some serious notice,...Written agreement, and notice in fact, in many states.
I am not sure what the legal requirement for notice is where the OP resides, but if it is 30 days, how awful. It has been two weeks, and it sounds dreadful.

As of now, I would not consider her "moved in." Two weeks is not a long enough period to establish tenancy. Outside of that, she does not have an income, so she is obviously not contributing to the funds to run the household. I would consider it no different than a family member coming to stay for a holiday.

It all depends on whether the OP owns the home or if it is a let. If it is a let, I would contact the landlord. Additionally, if their home is a let and the agreement stipulates that only those listed can reside there, she is an illegal tenant and can be asked to vacate. If they own their home, I would go the formal route and cover all my bases. If worst comes to worst, OP, you can always get your local law enforcement involved.
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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 10-30-2013 at 12:35 PM.
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Old 10-30-2013, 11:01 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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She's a guest, and not paying rent - I wouldn't worry too much about that 30-day thing which seems to only apply to roommates or someone you've agreed to share a home with, and certainly does not apply in most states. People have a right to privacy and to have those in their home that they choose, and can change the locks and get a restraining order if they want! The OP did not agree to this shit. The so-called girlfriend doesn't have a leg to stand on.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:18 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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It's been a 2 week visit. No more, no less. She is not a roomie here. She is A GUEST -- and guests go back home. So... time to leave. She doesn't have to go home but she cannot stay here. If she's really having that much trouble at home, call a shelter for GF to move to. You are not a shelter, you do not have "reboot my life" kinds of resources for her.

Whether they cry or create drama -- be firm. It is not appropriate to just glom on to your household just because you date. You are not at that level of committment by the sound of it. And besides that, you are not willing and you are not able financially anyway.

"I am sorry you feel that way. But this is where it is at --limit reached. You cannot stay here. I could help you pack/move elsewhere, but you cannot stay here."

You actually don't have to help pack/move but if it gets this crap out of your house faster, I'd say cut the losses and help them pack/move!

Yes, it was thrust upon upon you. But because one is wife and the other is GF you let their disrespectful approach slide and gave hospitality for 2 weeks. You didn't even have to do that long. Because you seem like you chose not to deal with it when it was fresh and let it ride... here we are today. So move it forward.
  • You did not agree to having a guest at this time.
  • You certainly did not agree to take on a new roomie at this time.
  • You did not sign up to support a 3rd who is not even looking for a job.
  • You are at your limit 2 weeks in and unwilling to give it more time.

We are free to choose, but not free of the consequences of our choices.

So could state where you stand and what you expect at this time. Could tell wife and GF....

1) I want to maintain good relationships with you both and hope you both want to maintain good relationships with me back.

2) When you both overstep limits and make decisions for 3 without consulting all 3? That's disrespectful. I expect an apology from each of you for putting me in this awkward position.

3) Because you are wife and GF, I chose to overlook that disrespectful move. But I am at limit for having a guest. It's been 2 weeks. I want my normal life back. I expect GF to leave.

4) If GF is not gone by X date? I plan to call the parents and tell them to come fetch their daughter.
  • I would prefer wife and GF deal with it since you both created this situation. I prefer NOT to call parents.
  • I would prefer that you NOT put me into another awkward position where I have to be calling parents. But if put there, I will call. Ball is in your court.
Then could sit back and let them deal. Behavior done/not done time. They play ball, you don't have to call parents. They don't, you call them to get the GF out of your home. All up to them how they want it to go.

If you feel like this will be drama because wife and GF don't want to play like grown ups?

You could skip giving them opportunity to solve it themselves and just call the parents NOW and get your OWN life back in order.

Could make arrangements for them to show up with a u-haul on X date, take the day off work, and sit quietly without telling GF or wife until they just show up at the door.

Then help the parents pack the GF and her stuff up and go home to deal with THEIR family hooha while you deal with your wife's hooha.

It's not the classiest move ever, but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. Sigh.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-30-2013 at 01:47 PM.
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Old 10-30-2013, 01:37 PM
alanred alanred is offline
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Thanks for the replies. A little background about us.
I am 29, wife is 27, gf is 24.
Wife and I have 2 kids 7 and 5.
As far as the relationship. I am ok with my wife having a gf. Just not living with us. I don't know if I want another relationship now as it seems like to much work. May bee this just put a bad taste in my mouth. I would be good with a v relationship but wife really wants the triad. Don't know why she keeps pushing the triad.

I am going to talk to my wife and gf and see if we can set some ground rules. A time tables for gf getting a job and a time table for moving out.
And what will happen if the time table is not kept.

Gf does not do much around the house. All she has done is a few loads of laundry since she has been here. My wife and I have a nice routine/balance of house work. We cook dinner together. I clean up the kitchen and put dishes in the dish washer .... well you get the idea. But back to the dinner example, gf has never helped with dinner or clean up. She just sits and watches tv or on wife's laptop the whole time.

I like the idea of cancelling the cable but wife prob would not go for it. But anyway I am going to talk to wife and gf together and see what we can come up with.

I have been threw a situation like this before with my brother after he lost his job and we offered him a place to stay. It ended badly. It ended with me getting him a job, my dad paid for his rent and deposit for an apartment and my mother loaned him money to get a car. He lost his car due to not being able to make the payments. His biggest problem is that he got depressed. Thank goodness for their help. He is doing a lot better now and so where wife and myself. But now we are back in the same situation. But this time I nor my family can help her. I don't know if her family would or not.

Wife and I are alot better financially now then when my brother was living with us and I do not want to see us going backwards. We have worked hard to buy our house and saved to buy our cars so we would not have a car payment. When we work hard to make more money we save it and are almost to the pint that we have a rainy day fund fully funded and our next goal is to save for major purchases, such as a car when when we would need a new one, major appliances ect.

Wife and I worked hard to pay off our credit cards and now the only loans we have our our mortgage and student loans. I dont want to go back to not having savings and lots of credit card bills ect.

I also miss my wife. We would always go to bed together at night. Our schedules worked out great. Now wife tends to stay up with gf till... well idk wen I am asleep. I just miss the closeness we had and feel we are growing apart.

I have to leave and go to work and I will let you all know how the talk goes when later tonight. We all need to do more talking and sort this all out. I just hope we can talk and not end the conversation with nothing getting done.

Thanks again for the advise.
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