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Old 03-18-2010, 03:44 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Okay. Poor GG! I mean really. The man is cornered it sounds like. Knowing his history as I do and perhaps others on here, I totally get why this is a struggle for him. He has known these guys for 14 years? They are his peeps! Just as you and maca are LR.
He's had 14 years of knowing them (he's known me for 17) to make this right, and he hasn't even tried. In point of fact, he and I were lovers before they came in the picture, and he allowed it. I don't really sympathize much with him on how difficult it is. When I committed to being his friend, I committed to protecting his honor. When Maca and I started dating one of the things I told him was that I had 3 relationships +my daughter that if he "crossed" them, he would be out-and one of those was GG..... I never would have allowed ANYONE to be close to me and talk smack about him as he's allowed these guys to do to me.

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He is also in a tough spot as I see it. Know doubt he is not so stupid he doesn't know it. He is being asked to do some major shifting and changing in his life this year as becoming an official boyfriend to you, an official family member to your whole family and now he has to face his friends and risk losing them at such a tentative time?!
Not fair I think.
He's been accepted by everyone (not just our household) as an official family member here longer than Maca has.... seriously.
AND he hasn't had contact with any of these guys (barring one, whom we all get along with, because the guy CHOSE to try and be a part of GG's life and so he got to know us) in YEARS, because he got sick of their bs, but was too chicken shit to actually confront them, so he just stopped hanging out with them.
Suddenly the one we all get along with decides (he still socializes with the others) that he REALLY wants to "make a peace and bring GG back into the group". So here we have a drama...

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Can that not wait? You are asking him to trust his position in the family enough to possibly chose you all over what sounds like his only other support system.
I didn't chose the timing-his other best friend chose it.
And no, I'm not asking, yes I am DEMANDING that he trust his position with ME enough to chose me over them regardless of what happens between he and Maca.

In point of fact, if he can't, he will destroy our friendship, not only our romantic relationship. I'm not the kind of person to take the kids away from him, but yes RP, if he is unwilling to stand up for me with the guys, he will lose me as his girlfriend, and his friend.
14 years of putting up with their abuses because he wasn't willing to say anything is long enough.

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I totally get this sucks for you. Believe me, I have been there with nerdists friends. They thought I was a repeat of his last girlfriend (controlling and bossy) . I had to earn their trust by getting involved. Talking with them, calling them up and asking them to take nerdist out because I knew he felt torn between me and them and because I knew that his friends thought I wouldn't let him out. They were impressed and had no other alternative than to give me a chance. I charmed them basically. Otherwise, as Eugenepoet said, they would call me a bitch for being angry and frustrated.
I did that, the only one who would even acknowledge that I existed, much less the effort I was making was the one who wants to make the peace (an effort I commend actually). He and I get along fine, as do I and his wife.
The others are juvenile. There is no "ex" to compare me to, I was GG's first. I was the one all of his girlfriends were compared to and the truth is-I came out on top in every case. BUT if they were to acknowledge that, they'd have to also acknowledge that while they were all playing house, I was already raising a family, holding down a REAL job, taking care of responsibilities that they hadn't even IMAGINED yet. They don't want to see that I might have value to GG. They want to keep enjoying the childish position of "she's a girl, therefore she's a worthless piece of shit" and frankly-I'm too old to want to play the game, AT ALL.

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Why? Because he trusted his place in my life by then. He felt secure and safe within that.
If GG doesn't trust his place in my life, if he doesn't feel secure and safe in our relationship at this stage, he probably shouldn't be dating me. I understand that in new relationships there is a need for time to gain that sense of trust, security and safety. BUT-as I said before, we have a CLOSE relationship that has lasted 17 years. Our first sexual experience together was damn near 16 years ago. I've defended him and held him close all of that time. I was point blank that if he wasn't AT and IN my wedding-I wouldn't marry Maca. This isn't a situation where he's wondering "well is she going to boot me out" or "I'm ONLY a secondary in this relationship.." or "a third"... He and I have had a deep, loving relationship since prior to Maca and I starting to date. He knows damn well I'm not going to send him packing-EVEN if he fucks this up, I won't date him, but I wouldn't send him packing.

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I would suggest, for many different reasons, GG doesn't feel safe enough to leave the security of his friends yet. Or challenge their behaviour. He doesn't agree with them. You know that LR.
It's long past time he figure out how to find his safety then RP. Because I'm done being their scapegoat.


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He just needs time I think and needs to be encouraged and helped, not told he isn't a man because he doesn't do things like maca does.
I didn't, and wouldn't tell him that. In point of fact what I told him is that I love him-and that isn't going to change. He needs to decide what is best for him. BUT he also needs to know-that I won't put up with being treated this way for him OR ANYONE ELSE any longer. So if he CAN'T stand up to them, then he will HAVE to give up our relationship-because it's damaging to me.
I also told him that my kids are sure as HELL not "hanging out" with people who can't respect me as a person. No if's, and's or but's.

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He doesn't have the same sense of security maca does.
That would be hysterical if it weren't so completely the opposite of true. GG has a MUCH stronger sense of security in his relationship with me (and the kids) than Maca does. So much so that I can't even begin to describe the difference.

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With all due respect and possibly not knowing all the details, have patience and find ways to help him with this. That is what my version of family is, to help those I love by sucking up my hurt and facing diversity with a big smile and be a gracious host sometimes. Bake them some cookies and give the biggest and baddest a call and tell them you are so glad they are GGs buddy because he needs them to be supportive.
I can't. I'm not allowed to have their contact information. The only one I do know how to contact, I do.
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This is no issue for a dom. This is between you and GG. Maca should be sitting back and supporting both of you by just being an active listener in my opinion.
Maca's trying-but he can't sit back and watch them destroy me emotionally. He hasn't vented on GG, only on here-and GG hasn't been on here in MONTHS. It's not like he hasn't seen it before. They are a key reason why GG's parents won't have anything to do with our family, specifically their granddaughter. Because she's MY daughter and his brothers talked so much smack that they painted a picture of me that is faulty.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 03-18-2010 at 11:59 AM. Reason: fix quote formatting
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