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  #21  
Old 06-30-2009, 05:04 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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I agree with you. We are right, everyone else in wrong! lol.....
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  #22  
Old 07-01-2009, 01:49 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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unfortunately for many of the general public who think they want to be poly, they equate poly with just having many lovers, not many loves.
I fell into this Mark...

I used "lovers" for a long time as I hadn't found Mono and was searching for him. I was fine with it at the time as it reminded me of some old lounge singer on some kind of tv documentary who is referred to as having had many "lovers"... it sounded old fashioned and independent, strong and not needy and was comfortable at the time.... having discovered that my idea of this really revolved around the independent part more than I realize... I now see the term "lovers" the same way but that I am way too much full of abandonment issues to fit my own definition (I am not empowered by it as I should be to use it). I need people and I need my two men.... having "lovers" is casual and I don't think I live up to it.... having "intimate friends" works better and denotes a need for them and their intimacy. "Poly" works for mono, my husband and I as it denotes a love that is everlasting and relates to commitment to not only me but my whole family (blood and chosen alike). Not that I don't think we can all have many things going on at once, because a lot of people do.

I think that it is useful to come to some kind of agreement with oneself and the ones I am with to come up with a definition and then to let it go before it becomes too confining. Really, no one is exactly like us ... even though i know I am right and they are wrong.... LOL heh

Last edited by redpepper; 07-01-2009 at 01:56 AM.
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  #23  
Old 07-01-2009, 02:55 AM
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my husband just said he thinks the poly or not thing is a question of starting with romance or a good fuck. or both really I think
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  #24  
Old 07-01-2009, 02:55 AM
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oops, am i allowed to say that on here.....???!!!!! geesh. sorry if I'm not!
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  #25  
Old 07-01-2009, 03:47 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Redpepper, we all, or most of us atleast, have had many loves/lovers along the way. Just because we've had multiple lovers, I wouldn't say we're poly. However, I can see we have the same ideas and definitions of what may constitute poly for us right now further(down the road) in our unique lives. For you and yours, it has to be deeper than just lovers. Same here for me and my "life loves". (love Mono's term). I truly believe this is and can be an everlasting situation for us 3. I'm sure you do with your 2 guys also. My definition really requires that long term committment. Anything less, would be just lovers to me. I can't in good conscience ask my wife to change her life and our marriage, for just a lover. I don't know if I've said it to her in that way, but I need to.

Regarding your hubby and his thoughts, I would agree it (poly) has to get it's start somewhere. Those are certainly two very good ways! For me, it was developing a tremendous bond with a long term friend over 20 years, eventually moving into realizing my heart had enlarged and was certainly capable of embracing the poly life. The sexual act of making love, only sealed the deal. For others I'm sure it happens quickly. I don't know about the moderators, but I like your candor!

One last thing, my wife and my other "life love" have asked me to present them with other examples of "us", so they could see and learn how to embrace this poly life and their poly man. I keep telling them there's no situation I've come across exactly like "us". I know there must be, but it's like finding a needle in a haystack.

Last edited by Mark1npt; 07-01-2009 at 02:35 PM.
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  #26  
Old 07-02-2009, 07:24 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
Just because we've had multiple lovers, I wouldn't say we're poly. For you and yours, it has to be deeper than just lovers. Same here for me and my "life loves". (love Mono's term). I truly believe this is and can be an everlasting situation for us 3. I'm sure you do with your 2 guys also. My definition really requires that long term committment. Anything less, would be just lovers to me. I can't in good conscience ask my wife to change her life and our marriage, for just a lover. I don't know if I've said it to her in that way, but I need to.
.
Mark, I am going to start off by saying I am jealous of your wife and Life Love in many ways. I see you as the perfect example of a functioning and sustainable polyamorous “v” founded in deep love.

I am often frustrated at the sense I get from some people at our poly meetings that to be poly you have to be constantly open to the possibility of new relationships of varying degrees. It’s like if you aren’t available and willing to date you are not part of the club...if that's the memebership requirement, I'm out, I can't and won't do it.

If you have the ability or are in fact intimately and openly in love with more than one person you are polyamorous. It doesn’t mean that you’ll necessarily be constantly available to other poly people to “test the waters” in hopes of forming a new relationship. You may never add another Life Love to your life. That doesn’t mean you are not poly.

Being polyamorous does not mean you can’t have an extremely loving family with a defined number of loves. It is not un-polyamorous to say; “me and my two or three lovers are in a committed life long relationship”.

The commitment you have to your wife and Life Love is awe inspiring to me. You seem fulfilled and happy. I see so many others searching and searching or doing things simply because they feel it is the “Polyamorous” thing to do.

Most of the people at the poly meetings I go to seem to have this idea of not committing and “free love” justified by the word “polyamorous”. I don’t see them forming life long families the way Redpepper, her husband and me are. I once heard her say “sometimes I wish it could just be me, my husband and you”….I felt as though she thought being polyamorous meant it could never be that…like being polyamorous meant it could never be just us…that saddened me because she sounded trapped by a way of loving that is supposed to be freeing.

Her husband needs someone of value for sure, and I would love for Redpepper to get the female intimacy she wants… but I don’t see an end to the addition of new lovers almost just because "that's what poly people do"..that is not sustainable for me because I know what I put in to this, everything. I would hate to experience the introducing of new lovers just because that is how being “polyamorous” is supposed to be. Perhaps my definition and expectations of poly will be too different from thiers in the end. No fault there..just human nature If that's the case I will direct my love towards being the best friend thier family could wish for. Either way I want us all to be together in our old age.

I know what I can thrive, grow and stay healthy in. I stay in the moment, it is wonderful for me and our love as a family is flourishing…the future will get here when it does…hopefully we will still be chatting on this forum my friend

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 07-03-2009 at 07:05 AM.
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  #27  
Old 07-02-2009, 11:56 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Thanks for the kind words Mono. I hope we can sustain what seems to be a "perfect storm" of 3 very unique and loving people. I would agree with you that many poly people seem to be in a "free love" state all the time. That doesn't upset me, it's their definition of poly and that's fine. It's just not mine or yours. I know both my loves struggle daily with this concept (as they are both mono people) as you do in your situation. But as you have so eloquently stated on many occasions, your love with Redpepper and her family apparently knows no bounds anbd is so worth the struggle. Continued love, my friend. We are very lucky people to have found what we have found in our lives.
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  #28  
Old 07-02-2009, 12:42 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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That doesn't upset me, it's their definition of poly and that's fine. It's just not mine or yours. .
It doesn't upset me, Mark. It threatens me because this is the community I am struggling to be comfortable in and it is full of uncertainty. There is almost a group mentality of sexual opportunity as opposed to a group of like minded people supporting each other. I understand this is exciting for some, for me it just pushes my mono buttons LOL!

There is no uncertainty in what I feel right now, the love and commitment to Redpepper and the well being of her family...I just don't know how I will feel about some things in the future, so I am simply not going there and I have comfort in that...it is a very freeing aproach, and I want all of us to always feel free

I am enjoying my love for Redpepper in a completely new and often overwhelming way. There is no doubt I am happy and look forward to every second I spend with her.
Take care and thanks

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 07-02-2009 at 02:10 PM.
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  #29  
Old 07-02-2009, 04:14 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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I hear what you're saying about the group mentality, Mono. I think for the most part you are right. But I think that, because I believe that most people really do just want to screw around with many sexual partners, rather than develop multiple deep loves. Mankind's been cheating on their spouses for so long, they really don't know any other way. My hope is that in a million years we will have evolved to a point of no longer having to do that, and to truly have a more loving and congenial/co-op type society as a whole. Can't believe that a straight up conservative like me is thinking like this but I am. I am evolving. Perhaps you will be similarly surprised at how you evolve over the next 20 years?
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  #30  
Old 07-02-2009, 04:24 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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There is no doubt about me evolving Mark. It's already happened and happening Thanks for the words of wisdom.Take care.
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