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Old 10-28-2013, 03:54 PM
Dstone Dstone is offline
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 39

It is very difficult sometimes for the person that Loves, or Cares deeply, about someone else to see the other persons viewpoint. When there is a mismatch in this viewpoint, quite often, the person that is projecting the love toward the other, feels like the other person simply has not seen yet, or does not understand the potential of happiness being offered toward them. This frustrates the one projecting these feelings greatly sometimes, pushing them toward 'Making' the other person understand but the reality is that the other person almost always knows what is going on already, but has chosen not to pursue it. The person on the receiving end of this one sided love will almost always feel trapped in short order because they have chosen not to accept this love, but do not want to disrespect, or reject the offer to try and keep from hurting or insulting the other person. The result, at first, is that replies are kind and subtle, dodging the offers, witch drives the sender mad with confusion. Perpetuating this only frustrates both people, and like nancyfore said, all the explaining in the world will only result in driving the other person further away.

From what you have described, the guy knows what you want and knows how you feel about him, but has chosen to put up a barrier against what youn offer for one reason or another. Your only pursuance of chance toward this person is to understand why that barrier was placed. I am sure, while you were still communicating with him, he told you, but your felling of 'Helping him Overcome' got in the way, and the message likely got lost. If his concern is truly 'Getting in the Way' of your marriage, then the only thing that could possibly bring that kind of wall down, would be if he started hanging out with your husband instead.

I had a best friend who was married when I was 20 years old that I spent many a night at their house. His wife had never been with anyone else but him, and she was deeply attracted me. We all got drunk one night, and he did not tell me, but went to bed early, on purpose, so that she could have me. She was absolutely beautiful, I was young, dumb, and well full of -----... Dressed in a very short skirt, she started rubbing my leg, and asked me into the kitchen with her, and I followed. She bent over in front of me, where I could see she had no panties on, rubbing against me, but I refused...I had to repeatedly refuse, and walked away, then left. Believe me, I wanted her, and still regret it sometimes, but I was not about to compromise the friendship I had with the 2 of them over it. That is what stopped me. 2 days later, the next monday (he and I worked together), he was very, very upset, and told me that I was never to expect 'sex' with his wife again. He was clearly very jealous, even though he wanted her to have me. No amount of words I could say convinced him that I did not have sex with her. I found out later that she was upset I rejected her, and told him that we did in fact have sex, to keep him from feeling that I let her down.

My point is that, even a guy, one who has temptation and is ready for it, if he has decent morals, and respect toward others, will not likely give in unless the feeling and words came from the both of you with much consent, happiness, and friendship to begin with. Short of this, there is no reason to bother him again.

just my thoughts on it,...Dstone
Dstone (me) - 45 Tecnical professional turned professional driver
BB - 47, Loving Wife and best friend / co-driver
ZF - 24, Also the love of my lfe. BB'd daughter.
My Twisted Story... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=61388
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Old 10-28-2013, 04:27 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 895

Originally Posted by MostlyMarried View Post
I always try to say what I feel, so I have a hard time understanding when people are expecting me to read between the lines.
Doesn't sound like he hid his message between the lines at all.

I've often seen the comment, from poly people, that just because they're poly doesn't mean they want to date or have sex with every guy that comes along. Conversely, just because you're now poly doesn't mean every guy wants to date you.

In fact, it might almost come across as arrogant and/or insulting that you explained to him why a part time relationship with no hope of marriage, family, and children, and the likelihood of being kept a secret from many people in your life might be really good for him, then went on to let him know that he should really reconsider--as if his own initial thoughts on the matter were somehow lacking until you helped him see the light.
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Old 10-28-2013, 04:43 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 485

Next time, make your 'proposal' in person and not via email. Makes it much easier to see each others reactions, and it's less stressful than trying to figure out what a written communication means.
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 3 years
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