Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 10-08-2013, 06:02 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 806
Default

Well... interestingly enough, there's already a solution being worked out for the Christmas thing. P and M1 are both Pagan, and have decided that they will celebrate Yule together while he and I celebrate Christmas. Maybe we'll all spend some time together on Christmas, but it takes the stress off me trying to bend and twist my brain into figuring out a holiday get-together with my family that could somehow include her so she isn't alone (and she wouldn't be alone anyway - she has family in the area, and P's family, but it seems to me that she really didn't want to spend a holiday apart from P, and I understand that).

So, where I left off...

After the holiday talk, we moved on to our "positives/negatives" since the last time we talked. I, of course, was the only one who had anything to talk about (I always feel like the monkey wrench of the bunch, but I guess that's just my bit... ). I brought up the family thing - how I see P and M1 getting time together with his family, and because he "sees them enough", I don't get the opportunity to do the same.

Yes, logistics makes it harder, but P ended up going on a minutes-long discussion about how different members of his family act, and how he doesn't want to hang around them all that much more than he does now, and all I got from that was, "I see them enough." Which is what I had before.

So I clarified my issue: can he and I GET more time with his family (and maybe figure out some sort of balance here so he isn't "fammed out"), or is this the way it is, I just suck up that I'm not going to see them except for group get-togethers, and we all note that this emotion is going to keep coming up because it hasn't been resolved (especially when I see M1's connection with them posted on Facebook - lunches, coffee, and dinners out with everyone, and the envy pops up over and over again)?

And yeah, the FB thing got blurted out as part of the emotional rant. M1 took it well, although I think she was still upset about Christmas at the time. I did make it clear that I don't expect her to change her behavior, but when I'm feeling invisible or "less than", I get even more tweaked when she's VERY visible on his facebook feed, while that's typically not my style. My own issue. My own deal. I wasn't even going to bring it up, but it came out in the emotional torrent. Yippee.

I think I got a compromise... we'll be trying to get together with his sister for coffee, and maybe trying to get some more time with his mom and his son. But outside of holidays and birthdays, we're probably not going to have many more opportunities than we do. P and M1 understand that these emotions (and the envy) will pop up from time to time, and I guess we'll just deal with it when it does.

Not entirely optimal, but workable, I suppose.

I did bring up the FB thing where I was concerned she'd outed me in front of my family (via a comment on a picture I posted). She replied back with, "You're not out? I didn't know that."



No. Our common friends know. Some close family (my mom and sisters) know. Some other friends of mine, but a handful here and there. I prefer to let people know in my own time, and not have my hand forced. I've also been bitten HARD by the "You deserve so much better!" replies, and really would prefer my extended family and friends to get to know P before coming out, so they're less likely to cast him as the villain and me as the unwitting victim.

We'd had that discussion in the past. I found it surprising, and a bit cavalier that she'd make the assumption otherwise. But, she says that now she knows, she'll be more careful in the future. I'm still shaking my head a bit over it, but whatever.

So... a stressful night. I felt pretty heavy after expressing some powerful emotions. M1 felt pretty awful about the holidays, and the mood was just very dour after we were done. Today seems a bit better, although I feel like I just need a nap. But work awaits. ZZZzzzzz...
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 10-09-2013, 03:18 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 806
Default D'awww moment...

Got a text from P last night that said, "Call my mother."

So, of course, I called HIM to make sure nothing was wrong, and maybe suss out WHY I was actually calling her. He wasn't spilling, so I called her. Had to laugh, because one of the first things out of her mouth was, "Well, that was quick - I didn't expect you to call TONIGHT!" Heh.

Turns out, she's been figuring out the whole Christmas overload as well, and to prove that apples don't fall far from trees (despite the grumbles P gave me as I said that), she offered up a more intimate Yule celebration at her house, with me, P, M1, P's son & daughter, my mom, and my girls. P insisted that none of this was at his urging or prompting, and I thought it was extremely sweet. It gets her out of violating local occupancy codes as well.

Also got a nice email from M1 explaining how she felt after our talk - that it was pretty much the Christmas thing that bothered her (and that she's happy with celebrating Yule with P as a solution), and the other stuff I mentioned didn't upset her at all. It felt nice to have that conversation, although I'm still a little concerned for potential OTHERS if her default mode is to assume people are out. But hey, it's not mine to manage, so c'est la vie. She now knows (fer sher) that I'm not out to everyone, so I'm not anticipating more "uh-oh" moments.

So. Nice outcome after a lot of emotional BLAAAAAA. Still tired and wonky after getting little sleep for the last couple days (WHY did I think this weekend was a good weekend to have people over, especially now that I realize my oldest daughter's tri-county XC meet is Saturday? GAH!), but feeling better about stuff.

House is pissing me off. As I cleaned up the dining room (that whole "having people over" thing), I noticed some small, old, dried spots of mold on the secretary cabinet, and I damn near freaked. Realized that the cabinet is right next to the cellar bulkhead, which is where the worst of the problem was downstairs. I cleaned it up, and I'm hoping that taking care of the cellar takes care of this as well. Fingers crossed. Toes too. Mkaes it hrad to ytpe, thuohg.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 10-11-2013, 04:51 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 806
Default

Yaaaahd work. Tons of leaves (damned maple trees are prolific!), and my little mower is working as hard as it can to mulch them up. I do *not* want a repeat of last year, where I bagged leaves and then had no idea what to do with them (my trash service won't take them with the regular trash and require an extra fee). 15 bags of leaves? NFW. Lots of work so the mower can munch them up into little eeny-weenie pieces. Yep. And my forearms are going to be PUMPED! (ow)

Met the son of the older lady next door, who gave me a bit more history about the house. It was all stucco at one point (that pebbled look), and he used to get into trouble as a kid by picking all the little pebbles off. I told him the tradition is alive and well (even if the only stucco left is on the front exterior wall), since my kids do it too.

He thought the place was kind of spooky as a kid - the old man who lived here years ago had a stroke and couldn't speak, and although he was really nice, as a kid that totally wigged him out. Hence, haunted house. Hee...

He and his niece talked about how nice it used to be, and how the previous owners (before me) let it get really run down. I love hearing about the history of this house, and I love even more the ability to bring it back to life and give it some TLC and some of its personality back.

All right... back to work. Before my arms atrophy and I'm useless for the rest of the day.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 10-28-2013, 12:54 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 806
Default

Warning: a rambling post where I "suss out my feelings" follows. Oh, the feels...

But first... on the family side, things are better/not so better. Not so better in the sense that physical get-togethers are still going to be few and far between. P sends me a message while I'm at work early last week that his mom's birthday party would be this past Saturday. Uh, yeah, whoops. That's the date of my daughter's Laser Tag party with her friends. No can do.

Logistics suck sometimes.

However, they're better in the sense that there's a bit more contact, and I did call his mom on Saturday to wish her a happy birthday, and had a nice conversation with her (and got a nice text from her after her party, thanking me for the gift).

Okay, Teh Feels...

So I've noticed a pattern here. But instead of getting right to it, I'm going to circle around from a different beginning. That's how I roll. I'll make a great story-telling old person, I think. ("GAWD, Grandma, get to the point already!")

I've never lived alone. Ever. I mentioned this in a post above, somewhere. From home to college (roommates) to married to... this. This strange amalgam of alone-yet-not-alone. And this flummoxes me emotionally sometimes.

I never went through that post-divorce phase of "I am alone and must be self-sufficient". Never had the "rage at the ex and the world" moments because I don't know how / can't do something that I need to do in order to keep the household moving, before figuring out how to do it and getting the independence / self-esteem boost out of it.

Well, now I'm going through that. Sorta.

P is a protector / caretaker type. He WANTS to help. He understands my independent streak, but still wants to help me out with stuff. Except, with the whole two-days-with-me-then-two-days-with-M1 schedule, things don't always work out according to schedule.

When we were renovating the shower, he left for a week or so to move M1 back across the country. When the mold hit, he was down south at his apartment with M1 for a couple days. The latest aggravation is fighting with the wood stove, and trying to figure this thing out before it gets REALLY cold at night. (The aggravation is worth the price of heating oil nowadays).

Each time, I end up feeling completely over my head ("What do I do with this friggin' plumbing that's too long?" "What do I do with all this mold?" "How the hell do I get this fire started without smoking out my house?"). And with P's schedule of being here, and then not here, I get used to having him around to help, and then BAM. I'm on my own. Literally.

The emotions? I feel abandoned, left to flounder on my own. My logical brain knows I need to (and WANT to) know how to do this stuff on my own, but my emotional brain (wait, that would be a heart, wouldn't it?) just goes off on a four-letter tirade about being left alone to handle this stuff.

Now, I have to wonder if a more normal post-divorce situation would make that anger a bit more socially acceptable. Screw the ex husband for putting me in this position, yadda yadda yadda. Gotta learn to take care of things myself, can only count on me, bla bla bla.

Except, where does the anger go in this case? Inward, because I'm absolutely frustrated that I can't do whatever it is without help (or, in the case of the mold, that it was just going to take so much TIME and I had no frame of reference re. how bad it was). Outward as well, toward P, for my BEING alone even though I'm "not alone". And that one's not fair, so I get all twisted up about feeling that way on top of it all.

Oh, and I get irrationally pissed at the wood stove too - inanimate objects can't get their feelings hurt.

So I'm left wondering if this is some strange extension of the post-divorce-angries. I know that being more self-sufficient is a good thing, and I want to learn/get better at this stuff, but wow, the steps to get there are friggin' hard. I don't like tossing the anger out, but I'm not sure if it's something that needs to happen as I transition into the more independent "me". The whole twist where P's around some of the time just makes it more difficult, however.

No real solution to this yet. It's easy to say that I should try to make sure anything open-ended is wrapped up to my comfort and satisfaction before P leaves, but that's not always reasonable, and I can't always prepare for these things anyway. Figuring out how to redirect the anger and feelings of abandonment that are directed at P when he's not here would be the thing that I need to work on... I have to wonder if googling around for similar situational advice from people whose spouses/SOs travel for work, or drive trucks, or are deployed may help a bit.

FWIW, I read FoL's blog re. her life change from a poly relationship into a mono marriage, and her husband Matt's struggles, and I find that I do ID with Matt a bit. Not so much with the level of resentment, and not so much with the cowgirling, but with the gyrations he went through to be ok with the situation. I'm walking this odd line between considering P a part of this household, and needing to be self-sufficient. I wonder what would happen if he and M1 ever broke up, and I wonder if I'd even want to have him with me full-time, since I don't want to have to go through this again if he were to find another life partner and split time with them. It's some interesting food for thought. I love P to pieces, but at the same time, I'm figuring out how to protect myself from being hurt.

Makes the head hurt on a Monday morning. That means the feely stuff is over. Time for caffeine. Glorious, glorious caffeine...

Edited to add: Realizing that my mom may have some experience with the "first-time-alone-angries" as well. My dad passed away when I was 17, and she had a two-year-old and a three-month-old in the house. Her more recent life partner passed away a couple years back from lung cancer, and she's been a bit more independent this time around (although she and her 80-something next-door-neighbor are pretty close and cute together ). Hm.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 10-28-2013 at 01:44 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 10-30-2013, 12:57 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 806
Default

Well, P came home last night, and we talked about the last couple days. On the plus side, I *finally* figured out my own rhythm for getting the wood stove to work. On my own.

P understood, and agreed that, in this respect, a year alone after my divorce probably would have helped a LOT. I went from a marriage with a combination of learned avoidance and codependent behaviors, to wanting to be independent, but being in another relationship and finding it difficult to shake the codependence (couldn't go "cold turkey").

It's happening, and I'm getting that independence that I value, but things like this - the frustrating "I can't do this!" moments - tend to bring out the "I need help!" in me.

The last couple days did lead to a bit of an epiphany regarding my marriage, which was interesting.

My ex and I used to not see eye-to-eye at ALL on our child-rearing philosophies. I wanted to raise them to be independent adults; he wanted to protect them. On one occasion, he called me "mercenary" and thought that I'd been TOO independent as a child (latchkey kid, etc.).

It finally occurred to me that my wanting the children to be independent adults was an affront to how he lived HIS life.

We lived across the street from his mother. She and his dad owned an auto body shop, so we always had cars and someone to work on them. They knew handymen and contractors, so we always had someone they could call to do odd jobs. We shared their snowmobiles, and their lawnmower, and the list goes on.

He was being taken care of. And I stepped in to fill that role of "mom" perfectly when he quit work to be a stay-at-home dad, and I (and my paycheck) took care of him as well.

It's probably why he didn't want me to move out, post-divorce.

It's funny to look back and see how the independence I valued (highly!) eroded over time, because the man I married wanted to be dependent.

So. Anyway. I'm learning.

P explained that he probably doesn't appreciate what I'm going through at the moment - the "OMG!" overwhelming feeling when something in the house goes wrong and I don't know what to do about it - because he went through that in his 20s, when he and his first wife bought their fixer-upper of a house. He's lived half his life dealing with junk cars and shit that breaks around the house, and he's used to it. Me? I'm not. So what's not a big deal for him because he's been around the block once or twice is a HUGE FUCKING DEAL to me until I can get on top of it and figure it out.

And I'm impatient and a perfectionist (somewhat), which doesn't help. I want to learn how to do it, and do it RIGHT. And RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT.

Whee.

Anyway, it was a good discussion. I owned up to my feelings, we understood that until I have that self-reliance, this will probably happen when something pops up, and that's okay. He resists the urge to swoop in and fix it for me BECAUSE he values my independence as well, so I'm good with that. I want to learn how to do this stuff, but there's a piece of me that still says, "I'm in a relationship, dammit - why isn't he here helping me with this?!"


In other news, the family thing once again is having its moments...
P and M1 are hosting a Samhain Dumb Supper with his family tomorrow night. We initially thought that he and I would do our own thing, but he invited me down anyway. I was excited about it, bent over backwards to make plans (take the kids trick-or-treating for the first hour, bring them to their dad's, and then immediately schlep down to P's place down south for the dinner).

Last week, he mentioned that by the time I get there, everyone will be gone. Sooooo... what? Do I not go? I asked him if we should go back to our original plan of having our own thing, and he left off with "I'll see who's going to be around at 9pm." Which I should have followed up on before last night.

Last night, in bed, I mention something about having to pick up the halloween candy off the porch before I head down, or I'm going to have the lights on all night (I was planning to stay south overnight, given the time). He went, "Wait a minute. I thought we were doing our own dinner tomorrow."

Sigh.

He had forgotten he was going to ask.
Which is all fine and understandable, but when I'm trying to be part of the family stuff, it's another disappointment. Especially when I was going through gyrations to even be there.

It's one of those situations that makes me wonder, if this had been his previous marriage, would it have been okay to accept that everyone would be there and gone before his wife got there? Would he have tried to push out the start time and not just gone "Okay" when his sister suggested something earlier? Why is it acceptable in this case, if he feels that we're as close and important to each other as any husband and wife?

I hate that mental comparison coming up over and over again, but it's one of the things that makes me feel "less than" in this type of relationship. Would it have been okay to do this if you had a traditional wife? Why is it okay now?

So now I get to figure out when to have THIS talk with him, without ruining our own dinner tonight. These heavy talks are really getting to be a drag... I'm getting back to the point where we're doing more talking about our relationship than actually enjoying it. Boo.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 10-30-2013 at 03:28 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 10-30-2013, 03:19 PM
HisPet HisPet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 36
Default

Wanted to stop by to send you some warm and fuzzy support vibes. I relate to much of what you are going though emotionally and I love your clarity. No words of wisdom lend, just saying you're not alone!
__________________
Me: mono, 52, serving S in a PE relationship for six years, living together since April 2012
S: has been poly since he can remember, 37
A: His new girl, under consideration
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 10-30-2013, 07:30 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 806
Default

Thanks, HP.

I have a feeling much of this is just screwed-up communication and not following through, on either of our parts. However, I think I need to ask that since he does consider us family, the next time he hosts a family event, I be considered as well, and not just he and M1 if they're hosting in their place down south. Otherwise, it really does lead to the "P & M1 are the main couple" feelings if they host events for his family and I end up left out, without an effort to find a date that works for all of us.

Of course, it might be important to him that they selebrate Samhain on the day of, and not some other night, so maybe it's a moot point until my kids get too old to trick-or-treat with mom. My 12-year-old (who is already bordering on "too old for trick-or-treating" anyway) is already at that point, and wants to go out to one of her friend's neighborhoods this year. The parent/child separation has begun!

Well, until then, more talking awaits.

Edit:
Headdesk.

Just got off the phone with P. Asked if he was shopping on the way home, or if we were shopping together before our dinner tonight. He didn't think we *were* having our dinner tonight, and just thought it was regular dinner and a trip to Home Depot. That "we never talked about it".


Sometimes I think we share a brain, and sometimes I think we're from different planets.
So, I guess my not coming down south on Thursday didn't mean we went back to the original plan. Apparently, all plans were erased, period.

Well, on the bright side, the cellar door will be insulated (door inside the bulkhead got removed, since it was destroyed from the mold), and I won't have to worry about ruining our Samhain dinner with a talk.

Funny how we THINK we're communicating, and we realize that we're just not being understood. Seems to be a theme lately, not only in my life, but in some of the threads on this board lately. We think we're being crystal clear, and, uh. Nope. Take 2, try again...
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 10-30-2013 at 09:38 PM. Reason: headdesk headdesk headdesk...
Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 10-31-2013, 12:53 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 806
Default "Mercury in Retrograde"... I really, really hate that excuse.

Well, THAT sucked.

P had a shitty day at work yesterday, so I didn't want to unload on him right when we got home, but when you ask me what's wrong, I'm going to answer you. Although dealing with a night like last night is almost enough to make me just stop communicating altogether.

(Okay, not really, but damn...)

As an aside, don't point up, go "Mercury in retrograde! And you don't believe in it!" as a "See, that's why we're not communicating well" and expect me to NOT go explodey on your ass. I don't give a shit what you believe in - pointing to an external, supernatural source as the cause of a problem only gives people an excuse not to fix it, whether it's "Mercury in Retrograde" or "It must be God's will". Regardless of the cause, it doesn't mean we don't have the power to fix it.

But I digress.

The talk went horribly and really brought down the whole evening. We were both home at around 7pm, and after the initial verbal dump, we sat on the couch in silence until about 8 or 8:30, then kinda started working things out. Didn't end up getting out of the house until 9 (we needed that damn insulation from Home Depot), and I made a bologna sandwich for the both of us so we'd actually have some food. What a cluster.

His initial emotional reaction basically was a modified "why isn't anything I do for you enough". And yes, he does go through hell trying to maintain both relationships. I understand that.

Finally, after the emotional dump and the time in silence, I outlined what I SAW, regardless of what he DID or THOUGHT (which I didn't see): that we started off with plans of our own, believing that I wouldn't be coming down for the family thing; that he then invited me to the family thing (so, to my mind, that meant it was actually going to work out - next time, I ask if it's a courtesy invitation, or if something changed); that a few days ago, I had the rug ripped out from under me with, "Well, nobody's going to be there when you get there anyway" which turned into "let me see who's still going to be around" - which says to me "stay tuned", that we're in a holding pattern. That when we talked about it in bed the other night, he forgot about asking and just assumed I wasn't going. These actions are what I saw, and they basically baffled the hell out of me. Why not stick to the original plan if there was no shot in hell of me getting there when anyone else was there? Why invite me at all, after we'd already discussed it?

I didn't see any pushback on the start time when his sister suggested 6 instead of 7. It just sort of said to me that it was "okay" that I wasn't there, for a family event that he hosted - that my presence or absence was incidental to his plans, and as his partner, that hurts.

After the initial emotions died down, I suggested Skype. He didn't like the idea (thinking that his mom and sister might talk about it behind his back or something - I'm still unsure of why that's a problem for him when he doesn't usually give a shit about other perceptions, but emotions were high and that's a question for another day). So, the current plan is that I'm going to go through the gyrations I was planning to - take my youngest trick-or-treating (oldest will be out with a friend anyway), drop her off at her dad's halfway through, and haul ass down south to see if I can make it before everyone leaves. He's going to try to drag his feet and keep people there.

I'm apprehensive that I'm going to get there, nobody else will be there, and I'll have gone through it all for nothing. To be honest, with the mood I'm in, I'd rather just stay home with the cats, "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" and any leftover Halloween candy, if I'm going to miss everyone.

BUT. Going in with a foul mood and a shitty attitude won't help me. At the very least, I should try to have a good time with P and M1 if nobody else is there. Or at least, not be a dour little miserable beeyotch.

Oh well. I should be working. Touché and away...
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 11-01-2013, 01:38 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 806
Default

You know the feeling of planning a big event? Wedding, big party, whatever. You may stress out over the details beforehand, wonder how it's going to go, hope for the best and dread the worst. And then, when it's showtime, and the lights are on, all that goes away? The waiting is done and you're just... there?

That's how it felt yesterday after bringing my daughter back for trick-or-treat round 2 with her dad, and I schlepped down south for the Dumb Supper. I thought about what I'd feel if, by the time I got there, everyone had left, and by that point, I'd already had the upset come and go, and it was just, "Well... time to go find out."

When I arrived, P's mom and son were still there. His niece and her family, and his sister and her husband had left, so most people had gone. However P's mom had made it a point to stay and chat with me after I got there, and I thought that was very sweet. They saved a plate for me, I asked P who each dish represented while conversation was going on, I scarfed down my dinner (waaaay too fast), and we all had a good time.

I missed seeing the others, but it was still a nice night. By the end of it, we were all kinda beat, but we smoked some hookah, played with the cats, and then *clonk* out. Until I had to get up at 5 to make it home to feed MY cats and head to work. Zzzz...

Lesson learned? I dunno. I still think plans need to be shored up a bit better in advance, including any follow-through on the things we discuss. No assumptions, period. Even if we think something is crystal clear.

Second lesson? At the very least, his mom is including me as part of the family, and that really feels good (and kind of helps to quell the insecurity). His son has always been a great kid, very welcoming of everyone, and his daughter (same age as my older daughter) is the same way, so that's a good thing too. I suppose the rest may come in time, but I know I'm still sensitive to it, and I'm still going to bust my hump to make the time to spend with his family, even if it fizzles out.

Another lesson...
I cannot count on "losing" all my Halloween candy by leaving the bowl on the porch. Dammit. You're welcome, coworkers. November 1st is now officially "Gorge yourself on chocolate day!"
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 11-02-2013, 11:54 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 869
Default

I am glad you enjoyed yourself. Things have a funny way of working out.

This warrants an eye roll from me:

Quote:
And yes, he does go through hell trying to maintain both relationships. I understand that.
You know how people say, "Rich people problems?" This qualifies as, "Poly people problems." I would have given him a side eye that would have made him feel my retinas burning his face. This would not be for me to understand. People go through hell by choice. He has made the choice to maintain both relationships, so he should suck it up, cope, deal with it, work on his shit, do something different, or read a self-help book. That is the [one-size fits all] advice to mono people, but I am using it on him.

Other than that, I do hope you have a good weekend.

Ry
__________________
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
Closed.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
divorce, family, metamour, mono/poiy, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:35 PM.