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  #11  
Old 10-27-2013, 04:01 PM
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phantazmagoria phantazmagoria is offline
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i think she is feeling sexually hungry but at the same time wanting to build our relationship. i think she's afraid that if she has sex with other people, it would mess up our dynamic. and i think she understands me being hesitant about her and husband having sex alone, but at the same time longs for it.

we've never told her should couldnt be with other people.... we havent officially labeled ourselves committed ... she's just been choosing to not see other people because of her fear of our dynamic changing.

and she has voiced that them having sex alone is a big deal and should only be crossed when everyone is 100% ready.

i hope that makes sense.
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  #12  
Old 10-27-2013, 06:50 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Do you think she may be feeling excluded?

Do you think she may fear always being treated as an outsider? The couple + 1?

Do you think she may fear that she is being used as a toy to spice up the couple's life, with no regard for her as a person?

Do you think she has needs that are not being met in the current dynamic?

Do you think you would feel comfortable in her position?
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  #13  
Old 10-27-2013, 07:36 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
i think she is feeling sexually hungry but at the same time wanting to build our relationship. i think she's afraid that if she has sex with other people, it would mess up our dynamic. and i think she understands me being hesitant about her and husband having sex alone, but at the same time longs for it.

we've never told her should couldnt be with other people.... we havent officially labeled ourselves committed ... she's just been choosing to not see other people because of her fear of our dynamic changing.

and she has voiced that them having sex alone is a big deal and should only be crossed when everyone is 100% ready.

i hope that makes sense.
You know changing your language can really help. For example, in your post you said that youve never forbid her from seeing others and qualified that by saying you are not yet committed. This implies that commitment always involves a fidelity agreement. That isn't the case, at all. Many of us have commitments and are able to see other people as and when we like.

The problem is that she might be buying into the idea that you and your husband own one another and as a secondary partner, she should have to have her needs put on a back burner because she is the abnormal one. The third. That isn't how it has to be at all. You all have to acknowledge her as a person with wishes, desires, needs and rights.
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  #14  
Old 10-28-2013, 12:56 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi, welcome to the board.

Like many other married couples (myself included) you got started in polyamory seeking a "unicorn" to "add" as a "third" to your "couple," to have fun 3way sexy times... maybe both you and your h think 3ways are hot. I know it is the most common fantasy men, at least, have.

Many couples think only having 3way sex (and usually, even only 3way dates with the unicorn as well) prevents jealousy. Also, many couples require that their "shared gf" not date anyone else, again, so the couple won't be jealous.

All this leaves out the feelings of the "unicorn" completely. Maybe she desires one on one sex with your h, and with you! Maybe she likes you 2 a lot, but wants one on one sex with SOMEONE, and if she can't have it with you or your h, she will seek it elsewhere.

Jealousy is not something you avoid by limiting the behavior of another adult. Jealousy is based on fear of loss. If you're going to be poly, you, personally, your h, personally, need to feel the jealousy, investigate your fear of loss, your envy, your low self esteem, and come out as more self confident, openly loving people who do not cling to the fear, but feel it, deal with it, and move beyond it. Otherwise, you are not poly, you're just fucking around, and everyone is gonna be hurt.
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  #15  
Old 10-28-2013, 04:46 PM
Dstone Dstone is offline
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I agree,....I think you should let the 2 of them folly and fall in love, and you should encourage it. Stop fearing your relationship stability with your husband, and start encouraging their closeness, but continue to build your relationship with her specificity as well. You and your hubby are already set in your standards and ways, and someone new, and a new love for both of you, is always exciting. Let her one-on-one with him and give them their space to discover each other in a deep meaningful way. Those fresh feelings will spill onto you and her one on one with you as well, but you have to let it. Let her fall for you both, in a separate way, and together as a group as a secondary to this. You should not interfere with their one-on-0one, as it would only take away from something of possible great potential between them, witch will spill onto you in a good way. As well, continue to pursue her, just the two of you one-on-one when you can, and bringing the 3 of you together whenever life lends itself to doing so. Lots of attention, communication, and affection in all directions is the key, and if jealousy starts to appear, then overcome it by allowing the opposite of what it is suggesting. True companionship comes from allowing others their needs without holding them back. Encourage their feelings, and let them know you want to feel it too, first hand, all together, both seperately, and as a group, each in its own way.

just my thoughts on it,...Dstone
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  #16  
Old 10-28-2013, 07:53 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dstone View Post
I agree,....I think you should let the 2 of them folly and fall in love, and you should encourage it. Stop fearing your relationship stability with your husband, and start encouraging their closeness, but continue to build your relationship with her specificity as well. You and your hubby are already set in your standards and ways, and someone new, and a new love for both of you, is always exciting. Let her one-on-one with him and give them their space to discover each other in a deep meaningful way. Those fresh feelings will spill onto you and her one on one with you as well, but you have to let it. Let her fall for you both, in a separate way, and together as a group as a secondary to this. You should not interfere with their one-on-0one, as it would only take away from something of possible great potential between them, witch will spill onto you in a good way. As well, continue to pursue her, just the two of you one-on-one when you can, and bringing the 3 of you together whenever life lends itself to doing so. Lots of attention, communication, and affection in all directions is the key, and if jealousy starts to appear, then overcome it by allowing the opposite of what it is suggesting. True companionship comes from allowing others their needs without holding them back. Encourage their feelings, and let them know you want to feel it too, first hand, all together, both seperately, and as a group, each in its own way.

just my thoughts on it,...Dstone
My impression was she and he are dating the woman mutually. Perhaps it WOULD help if she stopped thinking of the woman as "his" girlfriend, that she intrudes on....and instead just builds a mutually satisfactory relationship in which all just naturally move forward together.
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  #17  
Old 10-28-2013, 09:35 PM
peabean peabean is offline
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Its hard to say how much she understands the limit on her sleeping with her boyfriend alone. Have you discussed your feelings with her? Have you asked her what she feels? Does she have one-on-one sex with you? If not, then it's likely she is craving the intimacy of one-on-one sex. I'm guessing you and your husband still have sex without her. Threesomes are great but...not for every time, if you know what I mean? That sense of connection can get lost with three in the mix.

What, exactly, do you think will happen if they have sex alone? What runs into your head when you picture that? Do you think he will suddenly decide to leave you because of it?

Give yourself a deadline. Send them out on a date together. Let it happen.

At two months it's time to take a deep breath and start building individual relationships.Each set of two needs to work on independence. A triad without strong individual dyads is going nowhere.
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  #18  
Old 10-29-2013, 01:16 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Here is something that helped me when Maca had a girlfriend:

I first, tried to think of what I would want if I were the girlfriend.
But that didn't help.

So instead I worked on holding myself accountable to whatever limitations I expected her to adhere to. THAT really got me moving on being more equitable, quite quickly actually (like a matter of hours and days).

It seems to be a very valuable tool to realistically EXPERIENCE being in their shoes somewhat-when you hold yourself accountable to what you are asking them for.

So for example; no intercourse for them, then no intercourse for you and he either.


From Maca's side; He chose to tell us we had the go-ahead to our sexual activity, with the understanding that he doesn't need updates about when/how/where/what. We agreed that we are in a fully sexual and romantic relationship end stop. I don't tell him "we did this today" or not. It's not a secret that we have sex. It's just personal-so we don't share it.
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  #19  
Old 10-29-2013, 02:03 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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The cool thing about this lifestyle is that there is no rule book or manual, so everyone gets to make up their own rules- whatever works best for them.

And things have tended to shift a good bit for me. I entered this lifestyle as part of a couple and we desired "our third" because it is such a powerful desire for most men (as mentioned before) and it's the perfect (ideal) situation for the bisexual woman in a relationship with a man......to have a woman for both of us to love! Well- that hasn't happened.

Because I desire the triad and it's obvious that my options are much better if I identify as single and I seek a couple......I have changed how I identify myself. My options increased immediately but I quicky realized that these triad relationships take time. I realized that there was no way I could have devoted my attention to just one couple. Some of that might be age. When i was younger, I felt like time was no object, but now that I am older, I approach things differently.....And now I am dating two couples regularly as well as my primary male partner and my secondary male partner.
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