Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 11-14-2009, 08:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Winterfire View Post
That one is pretty much how my husband and I started out. I was fairly hesitant about the idea of being poly, and my husband kind of pushed me on it (which in itself is a red flag sort of thing to watch for, that everyone isn't quite on the same page). Things didn't turn out like he'd intended. After some time passed, the woman we were dating decided she wanted a romantic relationship with me only. She and I are still dating, and he's trying to figure things out now once he adapted to that new dynamic.
Sounds like you folks are a bit more realistic than others.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 11-14-2009, 08:37 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,435
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by alaskababe View Post
Just read the part from Loving Radiance about hating your ex's. So true.
I am still friends with my first boyfriend and husband and several lovers from my past. I never let go of the men who meant a lot to me. They dont seem to want to let go of me either. That is a big WHITE FLAG! OK, I just made that name up for a good indication of a great relationship!
"Go!" on the white flags.

Me too-it's just not that hard to understand that GENERALLY speaking-it takes two to make or break it. So that means you can change the dynamic of a relationship from "lovers" to friendship without too much difficulty if you are both mature and adult about it.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 11-15-2009, 04:12 AM
laino laino is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Central NY
Posts: 2
Default An observation

Laino here. I'm the mono husband of Lola. One thing I have noticed from one of our experiences (I say "our experiences" as a mono partner is also part of the poly partners relationships.) is that kind of sitting outside of the NRE the non-involved partner may notice "red flags" quicker than the involved poly partner. Just an observation.

By the way, it is nice to be here.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 11-17-2009, 07:25 PM
lola lola is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 31
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by laino View Post
Laino here. I'm the mono husband of Lola. One thing I have noticed from one of our experiences (I say "our experiences" as a mono partner is also part of the poly partners relationships.) is that kind of sitting outside of the NRE the non-involved partner may notice "red flags" quicker than the involved poly partner. Just an observation.

By the way, it is nice to be here.
From my perspective, this seems pretty true for us. He sees things I don't see and on occasion I even see something here and there.

It's nice to know someone has your back, even when they are trying to point out something that might be wrong or just questionable. That is, after all, them caring enough to help you avoid a few pitfalls.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 11-17-2009, 08:28 PM
rosevett's Avatar
rosevett rosevett is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Finger Lakes Region of NY
Posts: 135
Default Red Flag list add on

and these are IMO..so might not be for everyone
~ refusing to meet partners
~ being over sexual before really getting to know me/you(I think someone mentioned that,sorta)
~ values that don't align with our 'family' (and values are subjectable)
~ not being respectful of 'family' time
~ creator of drama - SHOOT ME KNOW
~ someone that does not provide a safe emotional enviroment for conversation/discussions.

I'm sure I have more - but it's a starter....and welcome Laino nice to meet you too!
__________________
Do you live in New York State - www.thebirdcage.org - a place to chat local events and meetups for like minded folks!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
This post entry is a natural hand-made product. The slight variations in spelling and grammar enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 11-17-2009, 08:38 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lola View Post
It's nice to know someone has your back, even when they are trying to point out something that might be wrong or just questionable. That is, after all, them caring enough to help you avoid a few pitfalls.
This is exactly one of the two major things my husband is good for (not including sex of course).

The second thing is that he deals with the public world on my behalf when I can't handle it. I have a tendency to rub authority figures the wrong way and to piss off those who are in a position to grant or withhold something that I require. Husband has the ability to take control of situations that are not stacked in my favour.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 11-18-2009, 06:28 AM
redsirenn's Avatar
redsirenn redsirenn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293
Default

what??! You YGirl? I could not have possibly guessed from your posts on here that you might rub authority figures the wrong way.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 12-12-2009, 12:18 PM
Sweetheart's Avatar
Sweetheart Sweetheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: in my mind
Posts: 125
Default

I agree with Laino & Lola on this. We have noticed it ourselves. The non-involved partner is able to spot "red flags" a lot quicker. The trick is to make sure you're not projecting non-existent red flags!
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 12-12-2009, 04:32 PM
Erosa's Avatar
Erosa Erosa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 138
Default

The biggest red flags I have found are these two;

1) Secretive or obsessed with 'privacy'. Someone who makes the consiquences for talking about 'their' business (even if it's also YOUR business) unbarably emotionally high.

2) Someone who doesn't want people to know they are taken. I don't mean someone who is closeted about poly. I mean someone who doesn't want other people to know they are anything other than single.
__________________
With all my heart I will love and not fail,
With all my soul I will fly and not fall.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 03-16-2010, 08:18 PM
thunkybunny thunkybunny is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 44
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by laino View Post
Laino here. I'm the mono husband of Lola. One thing I have noticed from one of our experiences (I say "our experiences" as a mono partner is also part of the poly partners relationships.) is that kind of sitting outside of the NRE the non-involved partner may notice "red flags" quicker than the involved poly partner. Just an observation.

By the way, it is nice to be here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lola View Post
From my perspective, this seems pretty true for us. He sees things I don't see and on occasion I even see something here and there.

It's nice to know someone has your back, even when they are trying to point out something that might be wrong or just questionable. That is, after all, them caring enough to help you avoid a few pitfalls.
Sadly, that isn't so reliable when that partner manipulates the situation out of jealousy given their partner's NRE. Kinda lame really. I guess it means that the established relationship is too weak for new partners to enter.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
lessons, red flags, warning signs

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:04 PM.