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Old 10-25-2013, 07:20 PM
Cherub's Avatar
Cherub Cherub is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 31
Default Choosing Polyamory Before Identifying a Second Lover?

I’m wondering if many poly folk realized that they were “wired for poly” or chose to become polyamorous BEFORE realizing that they were truly in love with two people at the same time, neither of which they were willing to lose?

About two months ago, my wife alerted me that she has felt strongly drawn to polyamory for about the last five years, but had not sought a potential second lover / bf, and was doubtful that I would seriously consider permitting her to seek. She told me that she is “wired for poly” and confident that she can love a new partner without lovin me less.

After spending a fair amount of time reading the posts in this forum, it seems that her approach is unusual in that most of the situations I read of here are people who identify as polyamorous only after they realized that they are in love with a second person and wanting to maintain them both as lovers. My wife has been drawn to a friend of her’s situation who for 10+ years has two husbands, and feels that each fills unique needs that she has and my wife explained that this is what she wants / needs if I can accept it, but would reluctantly give it up, if pursuing it meant ending our marriage.

So far, I’ve given her the okay to look and learn, but on a trial basis, as I don’t truly know if this is more than I can accept in reality than in theory, but am willing to let try on that basis. She accepted my terms and has been looking on OKC, with her search going slowly up until this week. She started chatting with a man who very much intrigues her, who says he’s open to her poly intentions, but cautioned her that he is not sure that he’s really looking for a committed long-term romantic relationship, but NOT surprisingly is open to meeting her at least for friendship and if things progress well for both, for meeting their physical desires. She was interested enough to agree to meet him at a coffee shop this weekend, and may eventually allow things to go further, but assured me not on this first date. She appreciated that he was upfront about what his intentions are, if not a little disappointed, and if things don’t develop towards a romance, will continue her search.

My original hope was that it would take a few months longer to find a suitable serious person who understood what she’s really seeking. A lady on this forum, warned me that many guys on OKC view poly women profiles as seeking quick NSA sex. So far I cannot tell if he is one of these who talks a good game, or really is open to being poly, but knows that his career situation is unlikely to keep him in our area for the long term.

Trying to Understand.

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