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Old 10-25-2013, 05:34 AM
Faerylights Faerylights is offline
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: The American South
Posts: 16
Default New and perplexed

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and fairly new to considering polyamory, because of my Christian background (I like my faith, I'm not rejecting it, but understanding how poly could be OK within my religion is a bit worrisome).

I've had a very intense on-again off-again friendship with romantic overtones with a bi woman I've known since junior high, who I've basically been in love with since we met. Usually the "offs" had to do with distance, but we got back in touch when I was in my mid-twenties, and after an intense break up that sent me reeling and moving across the country, I chose to move to her city because she and her partner of over a decade had become very close friends and offered to be available and supportive to me.

After about a year and a half in my new city, and a months-long falling out because I rejected my couple friends socially several times for toxic girlfriends and boyfriends, my friend and I both agreed that being without each other was one of the most miserable times in our lives. I was also (finally) diagnosed last year with PTSD and am not likely to fully recover soon, as it's been a nearly lifelong trial getting diagnosed and struggling with symptoms I didn't have a framework for until last winter. She and her now husband are extremely supportive and have been my safe place on bad days.

They've only ever been monogamous (me, too), but we've recently had several triad sexual/romantic interactions, and they regularly tell me they love me and want to see more of me, and it seems to have only strengthened our friendships with each other. She and I share a third close friend who I can't regularly relate to sexually, but whom we both have strong emotional bonds with, and he sleeps over sometimes and takes care of me in a relationship that's emotionally intimate, but ultimately (by my choice and trauma limits -- I'm uncomfortable having regular physical interaction, alone, with a man) non-sexual. He knows I've spent time with this couple in a way I am not comfortable spending with him, but we've maintained our closeness (after some arguments and tears on three sides).

I made the mistake of trying to discuss the whole situation with my closest family member (my mom) and she told me I was letting her, myself, and God down, and furthermore that I was sick and immoral and that my attraction to this couple (I adored the husband as soon as I met him several years ago) was part of my mental illness. My relationship with my mom is broken now, and these people, the marrieds and my best male friend, are the people I can most be myself with, on good days and bad.

The thing is -- I started a new monogamous relationship with a very nice grad student whom I'm trying to make things work with, so I've talked with my couple friends about placing a hold on our sexual future while I explore the viability of my relationship with Grad Girl. They're still supportive, affectionate, and leaving the possibility of exploring something more with them (down the road) open. They're not interested in anyone else occupying a similar place in their lives.

I'm here because after years of only monogamous relationships and standards for myself, I find myself caring deeply for a couple, one that I could potentially have a viable relationship with, and I feel much more strongly about them than I do the girl I'm seeing now. I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this, and I'm hoping to meet friends and find advice as I navigate the possibility that I may be happier with a couple; they're not the only ones I've been attracted to, it's just that I shelved those thoughts as impossible and inappropriate and, honestly, evil.

I hope this post isn't too long; I'd love a hello, not be averse to advice, and plan on continuing several thoughts and questions on the relationship forum.
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