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  #31  
Old 07-27-2009, 08:44 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Mono - That is so true.
I have been in that situation before - not understanding how someone could be jealous when they were feeling so.

How do you think that gap in understanding could be bridged? Would you (not you specifically) want someone to feel jealousy in order to understand the emotion?

And - I take back that I have never felt it. That isn't true. It is more like it is an emotional response that I always manage to talk myself out of fairly quickly. So, it is more of a misunderstanding of why the jealous feelings persist, not that they come up at all.
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  #32  
Old 07-27-2009, 09:20 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
Would you (not you specifically) want someone to feel jealousy in order to understand the emotion?

.
Yes I would want someone to feel it. I also would want them to feel extreme love if they haven't. Emotions are human and normal; reaction is where we have a tendency to screw up.

It's like being afraid and choosing to cover your head instead of using the increased mental alertness to look for danger or a safe exit.

This is also about approaching jealousy and adversity in general as challenges vice threats. Challenges propel us forward; threats prepare us for war and close us off.

I am no expert in dealing with jealousy. I suffered from horrible jealousy in this relationship and with others. It's my reaction that enabled me to find a solution and not push away from what I loved. If Redpepper wasn't a natural selection soul mate for me I would never have survived.

If the relationship is strong and based on the connection two people have it can overcome a lot IMO. If it is based on a desire to maintain the status quo or possessions than it will fail.
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  #33  
Old 03-16-2010, 12:07 PM
Peachtaboo Peachtaboo is offline
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Default Compersion and how it is derived

Iím wondering about the definition of compersion. I understand the basic concept of Ďjoy and pleasure derived from your partnerís joy and pleasureí. What Iím wondering is how the joy and pleasure is derived, i.e. visually and in person, during an encounter between your partner and their other partner OR more through the mood and actions of your partner after they have an encounter with their other partner? Typing this out seems like it could certainly be both, or just one or the other. I suppose one could also differentiate between the joy derived from love and the joy derived from sex. Sometimes, these two would be highly related, other times perhaps not so much. Iím just wondering what is the typical, if there is such a thing.

Why Iím asking: Very new to a number of things including opening up a very long term, very stable, primary MF relationship. Early on in the journey, my partner indicated it was fine for me to explore my desire to be with women. He adores me and is truly dedicated to ensuring my happiness. Currently this extends to actually being present during any sexual intimacy between me and additional partners.

To those who donít know us, and assume we are a traditional couple, this may seem as though he is just lurking for a cheap thrill. However, because I know him so well, I have no issue with this at all, I know he just wants to see me happy. I suppose his presence may turn some people off and prevent me from being intimate with someone I desire, although this hasnít occurred yet. It is also very early in our exploration and journey and we both realize our desire and needs may, and most likely will, change.

So there is currently no issue to solve, Iím just curious as to how the term compersion is used and how others feel about primary partners being present during sexual intimacy, not things like lunch dates or movie dates, etc.
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  #34  
Old 03-16-2010, 01:31 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Compersion, like polyamory, is brought out by different things to different people.

You definitely have the basic definition down, and the answer to what you say is, from my perspective "it can be all of the above". Because compersion is that feeling of joy when you partner is happy and they are not doing something directly with you. Often when people see this they feel envious or jealous, because they feel that it is their "right" to have their partner only happy in relationships with them. The concept of compersion is the opposite of that, and so it can encompass many many types of moods and activities.

So if that means joy at your partner having sex, that's fine, if it means joy at your partner being out on a date with his OSO that's fine too - it's all good, as they say.

Oh and one other thing - if your partner gets off being in the room while you are having sex with your OSO, then that's just fine, as long as all are comfortable with it - I don't think many on here would want to dismiss is as a "cheap thrill".

And welcome to the forum!
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  #35  
Old 03-16-2010, 03:15 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Compersion

I just like to think of compersion as contagious genuine joy & happiness.
It can be something about a relationship or not. It might be about a great trip they took. Or great sex they had. It's just about deep caring.

GS
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  #36  
Old 03-17-2010, 04:29 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I agree that if your lady friends don't have any issues with it, then there's nothing creepy or cheap about seeing the person you love experience a thrill that you cannot give them.

The way I read it, I got the impression that maybe this was the "only" way you were allowed to be with women, and if you're comfortable with that restriction then so am I. Personally, with me, I insist that my husband NOT be present during sexual encounters with other women, because I would be thinking about him too much to enjoy myself with her. At least until I was more comfortable in my relationship with her.
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  #37  
Old 03-17-2010, 11:46 AM
Peachtaboo Peachtaboo is offline
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Thank you everyone for your insight. As you probably noticed, I'm new at this forum and have a LOT of reading to do but it seems like a great place. Thanks again.
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  #38  
Old 04-26-2010, 02:31 PM
LadyMonterey LadyMonterey is offline
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Default Compersion and how it is derived

Hi. I hope you don't mind Peachtaboo if I jump in here & ask an additional question to the more experienced members. I've also been wondering about 'compersion' & found the answers helpful. But I'm wondering if there is a difference between 'compersion' & the term I've read somewhere, briefly, called 'erotic voyeurism'.

Last edited by LadyMonterey; 04-26-2010 at 02:33 PM.
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  #39  
Old 04-26-2010, 02:48 PM
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Slip Slip is offline
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I'll admit I'd never heard the term "compersion" but have experienced it. I am one who really enjoys seeing my SO at the "top" of his game. It's amazing to me to watch him when he's with another woman. I LOVE it. Truly love it. We've been together most of our adult lives and made love and have lots of passion. But when I see him with another woman I completely melt. And I've watched and then led to participation and watched and masturbated. All is awesome for me. But I love a woman's body... how can I blame him for feeling the same way? Or better yet, why not enjoy him liking what I like? More in common.
Is it voyeurism? Wiki def is
Quote:
Voyeurism (from the French voyeur, "one who looks") can take several forms, but its principle characteristic is that the voyeur does not normally relate directly with the subject of their interest, who is often unaware of being observed.
Yeah, what I enjoy isn't the least bit "sneaky." So I'd have to say no.
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  #40  
Old 04-26-2010, 03:18 PM
LadyMonterey LadyMonterey is offline
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Default Compersion & how it is derived

I hadn't looked at the definition of voyeurism Slip. Thanks for the reference. Interesting. I seem to recall seeing the term 'erotic voyeurism' from an interviewee who used it to describe how she was turned on thinking of her boyfriend being with his other lady at the time they are actually together. I have a partner who enjoys "sharing me" as he puts it, which, at this point, is the thought of my being with another or knowing I'm with another. Is it compersion or erotic voyeurism?
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