Compersion and how it is derived

[Peachtaboo]

I’m wondering about the definition of compersion. I understand the basic concept of ‘joy and pleasure derived from your partner’s joy and pleasure’. What I’m wondering is how the joy and pleasure is derived, i.e. visually and in person, during an encounter between your partner and their other partner OR more through the mood and actions of your partner after they have an encounter with their other partner? Typing this out seems like it could certainly be both, or just one or the other. I suppose one could also differentiate between the joy derived from love and the joy derived from sex. Sometimes, these two would be highly related, other times perhaps not so much. I’m just wondering what is the typical, if there is such a thing.

Why I’m asking: Very new to a number of things including opening up a very long term, very stable, primary MF relationship. Early on in the journey, my partner indicated it was fine for me to explore my desire to be with women. He adores me and is truly dedicated to ensuring my happiness. Currently this extends to actually being present during any sexual intimacy between me and additional partners.

To those who don’t know us, and assume we are a traditional couple, this may seem as though he is just lurking for a cheap thrill. However, because I know him so well, I have no issue with this at all, I know he just wants to see me happy. I suppose his presence may turn some people off and prevent me from being intimate with someone I desire, although this hasn’t occurred yet. It is also very early in our exploration and journey and we both realize our desire and needs may, and most likely will, change.

So there is currently no issue to solve, I’m just curious as to how the term compersion is used and how others feel about primary partners being present during sexual intimacy, not things like lunch dates or movie dates, etc.

[CielDuMatin]

Compersion, like polyamory, is brought out by different things to different people.

You definitely have the basic definition down, and the answer to what you say is, from my perspective "it can be all of the above". Because compersion is that feeling of joy when you partner is happy and they are not doing something directly with you. Often when people see this they feel envious or jealous, because they feel that it is their "right" to have their partner only happy in relationships with them. The concept of compersion is the opposite of that, and so it can encompass many many types of moods and activities.

So if that means joy at your partner having sex, that's fine, if it means joy at your partner being out on a date with his OSO that's fine too - it's all good, as they say.

Oh and one other thing - if your partner gets off being in the room while you are having sex with your OSO, then that's just fine, as long as all are comfortable with it - I don't think many on here would want to dismiss is as a "cheap thrill".

And welcome to the forum!

[GroundedSpirit]

I just like to think of compersion as contagious genuine joy & happiness.
It can be something about a relationship or not. It might be about a great trip they took. Or great sex they had. It's just about deep caring.

GS

[SchrodingersCat]

I agree that if your lady friends don't have any issues with it, then there's nothing creepy or cheap about seeing the person you love experience a thrill that you cannot give them.

The way I read it, I got the impression that maybe this was the "only" way you were allowed to be with women, and if you're comfortable with that restriction then so am I. Personally, with me, I insist that my husband NOT be present during sexual encounters with other women, because I would be thinking about him too much to enjoy myself with her. At least until I was more comfortable in my relationship with her.

[Peachtaboo]

Thank you everyone for your insight. As you probably noticed, I'm new at this forum and have a LOT of reading to do but it seems like a great place. Thanks again.

[LadyMonterey]

Hi. I hope you don't mind Peachtaboo if I jump in here & ask an additional question to the more experienced members. I've also been wondering about 'compersion' & found the answers helpful. But I'm wondering if there is a difference between 'compersion' & the term I've read somewhere, briefly, called 'erotic voyeurism'.

[Slip]

I'll admit I'd never heard the term "compersion" but have experienced it. I am one who really enjoys seeing my SO at the "top" of his game. It's amazing to me to watch him when he's with another woman. I LOVE it. Truly love it. We've been together most of our adult lives and made love and have lots of passion. But when I see him with another woman I completely melt. And I've watched and then led to participation and watched and masturbated. All is awesome for me. But I love a woman's body... how can I blame him for feeling the same way? Or better yet, why not enjoy him liking what I like? More in common.
Is it voyeurism? Wiki def is

Voyeurism (from the French voyeur, "one who looks") can take several forms, but its principle characteristic is that the voyeur does not normally relate directly with the subject of their interest, who is often unaware of being observed.

Yeah, what I enjoy isn't the least bit "sneaky." So I'd have to say no.

[LadyMonterey]

I hadn't looked at the definition of voyeurism Slip. Thanks for the reference. Interesting. I seem to recall seeing the term 'erotic voyeurism' from an interviewee who used it to describe how she was turned on thinking of her boyfriend being with his other lady at the time they are actually together. I have a partner who enjoys "sharing me" as he puts it, which, at this point, is the thought of my being with another or knowing I'm with another. Is it compersion or erotic voyeurism?

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by LadyMonterey

Hi. I hope you don't mind Peachtaboo if I jump in here & ask an additional question to the more experienced members. I've also been wondering about 'compersion' & found the answers helpful. But I'm wondering if there is a difference between 'compersion' & the term I've read somewhere, briefly, called 'erotic voyeurism'.

I think there is a distinct difference but that one (voyeurism) could easily be considered a subset of the other (compersion).

"Compersion" seems to be tied to genuine happiness derived from another's state of happiness with possible total disregard for our own place in that.

Does that mean that there can't be other side benefits at the same time (the voyeuristic stimulation) ? I can't see a need for that restriction.

But neither does one make the other. But I can see the fine line and potential for confusion.

GS

[Ariakas]

Biggest difference is one doesn't need the other. I, and likely a lot of people, am not a voyeur, yet I derive pleasure in knowing my wife is with someone.

My wife is a voyeur and has compersion, she really enjoys watching me with other women and feels absolute joy. To date, she has not allowed me to be with a woman without her at least watching.

As with anything there is overlap...but they are seperate