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  #21  
Old 10-25-2013, 12:54 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Stop it with the WE stuff.

The relationship between your wife and her boyfriend is between them.

The relationship between you and him is between you two and not her.

If you all are playing together then that dynamic is between all three of you.

Stay out of your wife and her boyfriends relationship for it to be successful she needs to figure it out for herself.
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  #22  
Old 10-25-2013, 01:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Stop it with the WE stuff.

The relationship between your wife and her boyfriend is between them.

The relationship between you and him is between you two and not her.

If you all are playing together then that dynamic is between all three of you.

Stay out of your wife and her boyfriends relationship for it to be successful she needs to figure it out for herself.

Could it be we're a little different from you and your charming companions?

I say we because it is WE. It happens to be, I have developed a very close companionship with him, and absolutely consider him to be my closest friend. I understand the hinge, is her, and we does not exist without her, and theirs is a closeness far beyond our friendship.

To me you sound bitter. Thanks for sharing though.
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  #23  
Old 10-25-2013, 01:48 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Well considering I have what your wife what your wife wants I would think you would consider my advice.

Bitter please. I have 2 husbands who get along as friends and without being needy and clingy.

Sweetheart I am living your wifes dream. You keep on your couple privledge lined path are going to kill her dream.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #24  
Old 10-25-2013, 02:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Well considering I have what your wife what your wife wants I would think you would consider my advice.

Bitter please. I have 2 husbands who get along as friends and without being needy and clingy.

Sweetheart I am living your wifes dream. You keep on your couple privledge lined path are going to kill her dream.

I did consider your advice, thus my thanks. To say you're familiar with my wife dreams are inaccurate. Even though you have have more knowledge and experience, you are sounding pompous. Good for you....it sounds like you got it made, I feel privileged to have received your sage advice.
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  #25  
Old 10-25-2013, 04:35 AM
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I always like to recommend that all three people get equal privilege. But maybe they have to know each other well enough first?

Your dream seems simple enough. You have a nice V (emotional triad some might say), and you'd like to keep it that way. I don't see any problems at the moment, but keep us posted (such as on any communication breakthroughs with K).

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #26  
Old 10-25-2013, 04:55 AM
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I think the concern here OP is your frequent use of 'we' not to mean all three of you but you and wife + him. This is noticeable in sentences such as:

Quote:
His actions make us think he is dedicated to our relationship
This appears to myself (and perhaps Dagferi but I am sure she will correct me if I am waaay off base) that you are placing yourself and your wife as a unit with your wife's boyfriend as 'other' . Since you are so emotionally involved and call it it can come across as couple privilege. This does have a tendency to ruin some otherwise happy relationships so it behoves you to pay attention to the terminology and make sure you do not fall into that trap.
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  #27  
Old 10-25-2013, 05:33 AM
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Quick recap: The way we use words can sneak up on us.
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  #28  
Old 10-25-2013, 12:03 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Yes the op's use of we comes across to me as the wife's boyfriend is goingto have to "date" BOTH the op and his wife. He is not going to be able to date his girlfriend solo without the op getting involved. He has to hang out with and keep her husband happy or there will be issues.

The op seems to be to be too invested in his wife's relationship. She needs to learn to not drag her concerns to her husband on everything in the relationship with her boyfriend because her husband will jump to help or defense. Who wouldn't if you truly love someone. But that isn't healthy for her relationship with her boyfriend.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #29  
Old 10-25-2013, 03:30 PM
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Couple privilege? I think I am guilty. Old habits don't go away overnight. maybe one reason I showed up, admittedly new and seeking advice.

I read a few of Dagferi's posts, and I noticed the primary and secondary was not something she believes in, but at this stage for us, I am primary. But all my views regarding poly have radically changed in the last 4 months though. I am simply learning as I go.

With regards to their interaction, I feel like I am pretty easy going. They are free to go out together as our schedules allow. We are trying to learn to balance the relationship with our family obligations.I try to pick her up and do all I can to facilitate their alone time. I have assumed loads more around the house parenting and keeping house so they can spend time together. The majority of the time they are together, away from work, I am not around.

Other times things line in a way in which we can go out on three way date, or just do dinner and movie at his place are really enjoyable. for all involved. I am trying to give lots of space and freedom to both of them.
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  #30  
Old 10-25-2013, 04:15 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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No I am not a fan of the primary /secondary relationship model. I am not a fan of putting the wants of one individual over another. The only way that model seems to work is if the other partner also has a person they see as primary.

How open are you and your wife going to be about her boyfriend.

Can they go out in public and show pdas?

If family is in town is he going to be put on the back burner?

How are the holidays going to be handled?

Vacations?

How about your children, is he going to be around them and included in their lives?

What does you wife want out of this and where would she like it to go?

How about him?

Now how will you handle things if they want to take things to another level? Are you going to be ok with not being number one but sharing that place in her life?
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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