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  #11  
Old 10-23-2013, 11:19 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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I'm the one in my relationship that has the "communication handicap". Like kdt said I need things boiled down to questions with simple answers. It's not something I do on purpose but I just have a hard time verbally expressing myself.
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  #12  
Old 10-23-2013, 11:33 PM
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Took the words right out of my mouth.
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  #13  
Old 10-23-2013, 11:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
You say you wonder where things are "going to go."

Well, what does that mean exactly? Your wife seeing him more often? Going away on weekends? Meeting your families and vice versa? Moving in together?

Maybe he's fine with whatever the arrangement is now. Does your wife want more? Is he comfortable with you being bi? If you have sexy time all 3 of you, do you/she/him want that more often? Less?

Gotta be specific.
Last night as I tucked her in, we had a conversation in which she said she feared her heart would be broken by him, and that is what prompted my post. There is no commitment between them per se, I think she was asking the open ended question, "What will happen in the future"? And expressing a fear of it ending. We 3 just shared dinner together, a perfectly enjoyable evening.

We get together, either as 3 or just the two of them as time allows, we still have 2 teenage sons living at home with us, and trying to find a good balance of spending time with and family time is something we're working on.

I think all of us are pretty happy with the amount of time we get together, he has spent time with the kids, and we took him with us on an overnight vacation this September.

He's aware I am bi, and it doesn't impede our improving dynamic in bed.

Last edited by dali5671; 10-23-2013 at 11:48 PM.
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  #14  
Old 10-24-2013, 12:11 AM
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Kinda sounds like you might have a couple of simple questions to ask of K: "Are you committed to this relationship?" and, "Will you be staying with us for the long haul?" Even if K doesn't know the answer right away, at least it gives him something to think about and you can always re-iterate the questions later.

Seems to me like you guys are pretty happy with the relationship you already have, other than those insecurities about K's commitment level. So, no need to make things complicated, I guess is what I'm saying.
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  #15  
Old 10-24-2013, 09:38 AM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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For me, new at poly, the challange is to be more excepting. What i realy like about poly is the opinion that one person doesn't need to be 'everything'. Before sometimes i was trying to force my husband into being somebody he just isn't. For example, i adore him for being calme, concious, modest et cetera. But that means he is never going to be outgoing, arrogant or passionate. I like all these qualities. Now i have a BF (opposite of my husband in many ways) i find i struggle with some of the things he does or doesn't do. In my newly found believes that means also not trying to change him but learning to be excepting towards him also.
So, when i was reading your topic i thought about that too. This person is who he is. And it's sounds like you wanting to change him a little bit also. The reason is kind, you protecting your wife from being hurt. But maybe the challange is not only trying to make him learn to talk but also you and your wife dealing with the fact that he is like this.

Easier said than done, i know, but i think chances of succes are bigger when you try to change something you can influence, yourself.
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  #16  
Old 10-24-2013, 12:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dali5671 View Post
There is no commitment between them per se, I think she was asking the open ended question, "What will happen in the future"? And expressing a fear of it ending...

I think all of us are pretty happy with the amount of time we get together, he has spent time with the kids, and we took him with us on an overnight vacation this September.
Hmm, I guess I am thinking this need for some kind of formal words of commitment is a bit... conventional? Grasping? Desperate sounding?

When I met my gf I was coming out of a 32 year relationship. We'd gotten married, had kids, houses, the whole enchilada. I did NOT have commitment on my mind. Turns out we clicked so well, we are still together after nearly 5 years (and many other partners that came and went). I took as commitment when we'd plan special dates months ahead. If bf doesn't do this, maybe he's not planning on sticking around? Does he seem restless, untrustworthy, sketchy in some way? In poly, you often can't "commit" the way a mono couple can. Going from dating, to dating exclusively, moving in together, engagement, marriage, buying a house, having kids.

I think you and your wife should look at how commitment works in polyamory. My gf and I finally moved in together, after 4 years of separate apartments. We do not plan to marry (even though same sex marriage is legal in our state.) My bf of almost 2 years is already married, has a house and kids with his wife. But we do plan special dates months in advance, he's stuck by me through trying emotional family issues, through health issues, and me by him. That is how we know we are committed to each other, other than outward trappings of exclusivity, a ring, a marriage ceremony before our families.

I don't need this "I love you forever, happily ever after" thing. I get along great with my partners, we have lots of fun. We support each other. Maybe not having a ring, and "I love you forever" makes us less likely to take a partner for granted.

Quote:

He's aware I am bi, and it doesn't impede our improving dynamic in bed.
Ah, so you do have 3somes. I guess as a bi male, and with the hot wifing background, this is important to you? Does he and wife also have lots of one on one sex and cuddle time? That is bonding. Bonding leads to commitment.
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  #17  
Old 10-24-2013, 02:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Hmm, I guess I am thinking this need for some kind of formal words of commitment is a bit... conventional? Grasping? Desperate sounding?

When I met my gf I was coming out of a 32 year relationship. We'd gotten married, had kids, houses, the whole enchilada. I did NOT have commitment on my mind. Turns out we clicked so well, we are still together after nearly 5 years (and many other partners that came and went). I took as commitment when we'd plan special dates months ahead. If bf doesn't do this, maybe he's not planning on sticking around? Does he seem restless, untrustworthy, sketchy in some way? In poly, you often can't "commit" the way a mono couple can. Going from dating, to dating exclusively, moving in together, engagement, marriage, buying a house, having kids.

I think you and your wife should look at how commitment works in polyamory. My gf and I finally moved in together, after 4 years of separate apartments. We do not plan to marry (even though same sex marriage is legal in our state.) My bf of almost 2 years is already married, has a house and kids with his wife. But we do plan special dates months in advance, he's stuck by me through trying emotional family issues, through health issues, and me by him. That is how we know we are committed to each other, other than outward trappings of exclusivity, a ring, a marriage ceremony before our families.

I don't need this "I love you forever, happily ever after" thing. I get along great with my partners, we have lots of fun. We support each other. Maybe not having a ring, and "I love you forever" makes us less likely to take a partner for granted.



Ah, so you do have 3somes. I guess as a bi male, and with the hot wifing background, this is important to you? Does he and wife also have lots of one on one sex and cuddle time? That is bonding. Bonding leads to commitment.

Our friend is decidedly unconventional, independent, musician, pagan, rennie. I don't think trying to pin him down with a verbal commitment would work, no, not one little bit.

When we met him, he was lonely, he'd been recently divorced, and his health had suffered as a result of the emotional trauma it caused. He has not cared to share, nor has anyone asked why the marriage broke down. We give him loads of space. I was suspicious early, and now I would trust him with my life.

Looking at how commitment works in poly is a great idea, I am trying to learn. One reason I am a member of this forum...

The threesomes are getting to a beautiful place, but it's taken a while. Unlike some swing MFM's which had been hotter, but nothing to think about other than the sex. It's mildly frustrating to be in bed so much with a hetero guy, but it is still very good.

They work together and his place is next to the job, and this has allowed them plenty of opportunities for together time that includes everything from very rough sex (they both like the BDSM) to intimate cuddle n chat time.

Right now, I am only trying to be proactive in regards to Dahlia's needs. They actually talked about it a little yesterday. This relationship has produced great joyous feelings for all three of us, I don't mean to come off as fretful and worried. Thanks to everyone who shared opinions.

Last edited by dali5671; 10-24-2013 at 02:12 PM.
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  #18  
Old 10-24-2013, 05:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Kinda sounds like you might have a couple of simple questions to ask of K: "Are you committed to this relationship?" and, "Will you be staying with us for the long haul?" Even if K doesn't know the answer right away, at least it gives him something to think about and you can always re-iterate the questions later.

Seems to me like you guys are pretty happy with the relationship you already have, other than those insecurities about K's commitment level. So, no need to make things complicated, I guess is what I'm saying.

The only time I actually mentioned to him maybe we sorta consider possibly sometime discuss things was in a facebook note, my reply looked like something like Bane The Centaur may say, it was simply "The moon is really bright tonight, we should make a fire and have drum circle".

It seemed pretty clear that may the best thing to do.
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  #19  
Old 10-24-2013, 10:41 PM
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Well I guess as the others have kind of indicated, actions speak louder than words, so maybe your answer is to let him *prove* that he's committed to you guys. Yes? Just a thought.
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  #20  
Old 10-25-2013, 12:25 AM
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His actions make us think he is dedicated to our relationship.

Two nights ago, they were together and he asked her "How much do you love me"? It seemed a little out of character for him, and it caught her off guard, and she did not answer. The next night she said she was surprised he would ask this, like she would say something like, Oh, to the MOON and back", and simply replied "Enough to break my heart". They went on to have a nice discussion about it, and told him we were happy.

It was a good talk, and reassuring.
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