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Old 10-19-2013, 04:34 PM
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NaturalUnicorn NaturalUnicorn is offline
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Default Tale of the Unicorn

Okay so I am new here today is my first day and this is my first post. I am a unicorn thru and thru. I love couples. I love seeing the dynamic between two people and sort of filling in and finding were I am a good fit. Is beautiful, compersion, being complimentary.. helping to fullfill some desires that aren't prestent in the existing dynamic. And falling in love with two people..its truley amazing.
I have been dating this couple for about 4 mos or so. WE all made a mistake and started things to fast. Long story short...she and I fell in love, him and I were building a relationship slowly but in a good direction. Decided on " alone" time with both me and her and him and I. That turned thing ugly. He got jelious of me and her. She got insecure about him and I's quality of relationship. Because of his weird jelious actions I decided to put our relationship on pause..till we could see where all the jeliousy was comming from. When he found that out..that i wanted a pause... he freaked and ended the whole thing. Gave wife an ultimatum of never talk to me or they divorce....she agreed to that. We were all heart broken.
1 month later, they call and want to talk.
We transition into friendship..even though its difficult for all of us.
Crazy turn of events happen..she has some type of relationship identiy crisis 48 hr "break" from her husband. Then reconnects.
So they can reconnect, they ask me again..for space and no contact.
I text a simple "good morning". they freak out.
Again..no contact for 1 week
Now again they ask me to come over... they say..we wanted you out of our lives romantically however there are to many signs pointing in a different direction. ( I was matched with her and them on okc, they have tried deleting photo's of me that "magically" reappear..uhuh... they miss me..etc)
I told them I can't take on both of them at once. The trust is gone. I don't like the way the flopped me around.. in and out of their life. don't like how she consented to not talking to me even though she was " in love" with me. I don't like how i allowed myself to be this wimpering puppy waiting for them to come back to me...all of it was ugly.
But now. I am willing to give each of them a chance.. we had a long talk last night.
I said I won't date each of you at the same time to start. But I will date one and then the other and then hopefully come together to a nice triad again..I just want to see if I can be solid with each of them first.
I want this..and I want it to work..but my gutt says.. he will be jelious and weird again.. she will be flimsy with her committment to me again. Its true if there is trouble in paradise... the unicorn this beautiful warm hearted affectionate passionate creature is the fist to get thrown in the mudd. I know what I want.. I just don't see how its gonna work...
Please share.. thoughts, ideas's wisdom..expericances.. what ever.
  #2  
Old 10-20-2013, 01:06 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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My background: I was in a long term relationship with a couple. I loved them both, but was only sexually involved with him. The other female and I had interests outside of her husband and spent lots of time together on our mutual interests. We called ourselves a triad despite the lack of a sexual component between myself and the other female. It was a beautiful experience. It lasted a couple of decades, until he suddenly passed away.

Fast forward: thought I was entering into the same type of dynamic. It was great until the other female who had been promoting a marriage ceremony for the 3 of us, suddenly did a 180 with no explanation. Her husband kept seeking the root of her feeling with the idea that whatever it was could be addressed. My gut feeling was that whatever the cause, it couldn't be fixed. I lived in limbo for months as the husband tried to understand and allay her fears. It was agonizing. Eventually, she too gave him an ultimatum which would deny the husband and I any kind of a friendship. A year after I left their lives, they separated and are currently divorcing.

Due to my last experience, my instinct is to tell you to listen to your gut and run. However, you seem more adept at drawing boundaries than I was, and so perhaps it is not necessary to give up yet. However, here is the question I would ask before proceeding if you have not already asked it: what has changed that makes them think they are capable of behaving differently than before? The fact they love you is not enough. I was loved too. It made me stay far longer than I should have. It didn't change the outcome.
  #3  
Old 10-20-2013, 01:55 AM
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I am new to all this and I have never been in a triad relationship but it sounds like there is something unsaid and it doesn't seem to be you who needs to swallow their fear and put it out there. If it is not discussed, how can it be fixed.... I know it can be hard to say something that you know will hurt the feelings of another but in your case, feelings have already been hurt by not coming out with it. Did they give you any good explanation for the sudden mood changes? Nobody is perfect and I am always willing to talk and forgive if people honestly tell me "hey, that freaked me out so I was being a butt about it, I'm sorry". Just a thought for whatever it's worth....

Good luck!
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Old 10-20-2013, 02:09 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is online now
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"Unicorn" doesn't simply mean someone who dates couples. It means someone who doesn't have their own personhood and exists only to fill a role in a relationship -- not as a human being with thoughts and feelings, but as a placeholder.

If you were a real unicorn, you would enjoy being tossed around and having your emotions played with and the on-again-off-again. You would never have grown closer to one of the couple, because unicorns always love both people equally. You would wait at their beck and call whenever they have couple-issues to work out, and then you would rush back when they show the slightest interest in allowing you. And you certainly wouldn't have alone time with either of the partners, because unicorns only have sex and intimacy in threesomes.

That's why it's called "unicorn" and not some other, non-imaginary creature.

Cut them loose. They're not ready for this. They practice avoidance rather than confronting their problems. A break from a relationship can be useful to see if you really want to be together, not as a constant coping mechanism to avoid dealing with problems when they get to be overwhelming.
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  #5  
Old 10-22-2013, 05:02 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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That's a toughie. When I was in my 20's, I was often the "unicorn" in relationships with couples. My longest was a 2yr relationship, we all three met at the same time and started dating each other, so it wasn't that they were a couple and I joined them. Even so, maintaining the balance between 3 people is darned difficult--they are married now, I left them when I realized I was in love with her, she was in love with him, and he was in love with having two girlfriends. There's always jealousy, and someone will love someone else more than the other, etc.. Anyone thinking all three relationships will be even-steven and exactly the same is dreaming. All parties need to be ok with the fact that there will be some iniquities.

I'd say proceed with caution. Maybe now they've had a bit of time to get their feet under 'em they can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. They've used up their allotted mistakes imo, and it doesn't seem like they took good care of your feelings. I would be so hurt if I had been discarded the way you describe, and that they continued looking for a unicorn on OKC--WTF?
  #6  
Old 10-23-2013, 01:32 PM
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NaturalUnicorn NaturalUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
My background: I was in a long term relationship with a couple. I loved them both, but was only sexually involved with him. The other female and I had interests outside of her husband and spent lots of time together on our mutual interests. We called ourselves a triad despite the lack of a sexual component between myself and the other female. It was a beautiful experience. It lasted a couple of decades, until he suddenly passed away.

Fast forward: thought I was entering into the same type of dynamic. It was great until the other female who had been promoting a marriage ceremony for the 3 of us, suddenly did a 180 with no explanation. Her husband kept seeking the root of her feeling with the idea that whatever it was could be addressed. My gut feeling was that whatever the cause, it couldn't be fixed. I lived in limbo for months as the husband tried to understand and allay her fears. It was agonizing. Eventually, she too gave him an ultimatum which would deny the husband and I any kind of a friendship. A year after I left their lives, they separated and are currently divorcing.

Due to my last experience, my instinct is to tell you to listen to your gut and run. However, you seem more adept at drawing boundaries than I was, and so perhaps it is not necessary to give up yet. However, here is the question I would ask before proceeding if you have not already asked it: what has changed that makes them think they are capable of behaving differently than before? The fact they love you is not enough. I was loved too. It made me stay far longer than I should have. It didn't change the outcome.
I am so sorry to hear of the first one's passing. I can't imagine. However I know it feels to lose a loved one. And my heart wishes for you..stamina, health, and closure and rebirth.. you have my support. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Yes an update. They accepted my offer to build a connection with one..and then the other...He and I are dating first....since we had the most to work on.. we decided to put it all under the bridge and start anew. We have addressed what we needed to and more comes up everytime we are around eachother.. but my gutt still screams....RUN! but the other half of me screams..." they said sorry and they mean it and you want this to work" I am torn. A state I don't often find myself in...it is terrible and I try not to give it life...
Anyway.. thanks for your response. .poiniant.. the idea that them loving me isn't enough.. I will chew on that one.. One Unicorn to another... God bless.

Last edited by NaturalUnicorn; 10-23-2013 at 01:34 PM. Reason: Forgot to write something
  #7  
Old 10-23-2013, 01:41 PM
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NaturalUnicorn NaturalUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
"Unicorn" doesn't simply mean someone who dates couples. It means someone who doesn't have their own personhood and exists only to fill a role in a relationship -- not as a human being with thoughts and feelings, but as a placeholder.

If you were a real unicorn, you would enjoy being tossed around and having your emotions played with and the on-again-off-again. You would never have grown closer to one of the couple, because unicorns always love both people equally. You would wait at their beck and call whenever they have couple-issues to work out, and then you would rush back when they show the slightest interest in allowing you. And you certainly wouldn't have alone time with either of the partners, because unicorns only have sex and intimacy in threesomes.

That's why it's called "unicorn" and not some other, non-imaginary creature.

Cut them loose. They're not ready for this. They practice avoidance rather than confronting their problems. A break from a relationship can be useful to see if you really want to be together, not as a constant coping mechanism to avoid dealing with problems when they get to be overwhelming.
Okay.. um thanks for your view on Unicorns.. your the first to correct my use of the term.. and the "poly" list of terms and abbreviations.. However all the same.. that Unicorn you described.. I agree..isn't me.
And you many be right.. they admitted not being ready before the split..and now they have begged for forgiveness and apologized tremendously. And asked respectfully for my attention and time.
In short, the weren't ready then.. but are they now?
I;m not sure.. and my gutt screams at me.. But I'm gonna stick it out and see where it all goes with him and her.
My apologies if my " misuse" of the sacred Unicorn term, offends you. Again you are the first and only to correct me.
I believe in Poly we all have our own interpretations of terms, and what the lifestyle is and means and how it fits us as individuals... thank you.. sweet person for sharing your ideas.
  #8  
Old 10-23-2013, 01:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
That's a toughie. When I was in my 20's, I was often the "unicorn" in relationships with couples. My longest was a 2yr relationship, we all three met at the same time and started dating each other, so it wasn't that they were a couple and I joined them. Even so, maintaining the balance between 3 people is darned difficult--they are married now, I left them when I realized I was in love with her, she was in love with him, and he was in love with having two girlfriends. There's always jealousy, and someone will love someone else more than the other, etc.. Anyone thinking all three relationships will be even-steven and exactly the same is dreaming. All parties need to be ok with the fact that there will be some iniquities.

I'd say proceed with caution. Maybe now they've had a bit of time to get their feet under 'em they can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. They've used up their allotted mistakes imo, and it doesn't seem like they took good care of your feelings. I would be so hurt if I had been discarded the way you describe, and that they continued looking for a unicorn on OKC--WTF?
Yes it was shocking to see they were looking for a someone else. And she was looking alone for a gf...as an attached woman. Funny. Yes they did discard me.. quite wrongly..
I like that idea.. used all of their alloted mistakes.. they swear they have learned and changed...
We will see.
I proceed with ears to the ground and eyes wide open.
Thank you for your thoughts and kind words...
  #9  
Old 10-23-2013, 02:12 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NaturalUnicorn View Post
My apologies if my " misuse" of the sacred Unicorn term, offends you. Again you are the first and only to correct me.
I believe in Poly we all have our own interpretations of terms, and what the lifestyle is and means and how it fits us as individuals... thank you.. sweet person for sharing your ideas.
The reason why you hadn't been corrected is because there are a lot of couples out there who have an interest in projecting a positive spin on the term.
I have seen couples profiles asking for 'their special unicorn' but that is a sure sign of complete inexperience and lack of any sort of research. No one replies and so they then complain until someone points out to them that 'no single woman in the poly world would call herself that because it is a disparaging term.
Schrodingers Cat "corrected" you because she was being honest and thoughtful, it would be a good idea to take her words seriously and not put it down to personal "interpretations" or "sharing (her) ideas".
  #10  
Old 10-23-2013, 02:46 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
The reason why you hadn't been corrected is because there are a lot of couples out there who have an interest in projecting a positive spin on the term.
I have seen couples profiles asking for 'their special unicorn' but that is a sure sign of complete inexperience and lack of any sort of research. No one replies and so they then complain until someone points out to them that 'no single woman in the poly world would call herself that because it is a disparaging term.
Schrodingers Cat "corrected" you because she was being honest and thoughtful, it would be a good idea to take her words seriously and not put it down to personal "interpretations" or "sharing (her) ideas".
I'll have to add my agreement to the definition of the unicorn term. You say you enjoy being in love/relationship with a couple for various reasons. But you do have boundaries and the IDEA (!) that you deserve and can demand one on one dates with each member of the sacred couple. Imagine that! The effrontery!

Couples searching for unicorns generally think this woman should agree to only 3way dates, only 3way sex scenes, whereas they, the couple, get to live together one and one, have sex just the 2 of them, of course have dates, visit friends and family, go on vacations, as a 2 person unit.

They think "adding" a woman to their marriage will mean she stays at home, out of sight, or if with them in public, no PDAs, no introduction as their gf. If she wants a child by the guy, uh oh, not sure, whereas the wife of the couple of course can get pregnant. If the couple does have a kid, of course the unicorn will do lots of childcare for their offspring, without being given 2nd mother status. And unicorns need to be fidelitous to their couple. No other partner(s) for her, either a single bf or gf, or another couple. The couple looking for a unicorn thinks having her be poly fi and only having 3way sex and dates will prevent jealousy and discord in the holy couple. The unicorns desires don't matter.

If she doesn't agree to any of these rules, she's out on her ass, while they go forward in coupledom, looking for another woman with low self esteem and weak boundaries who will agree to this substandard relationship status.
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