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  #1  
Old 10-23-2013, 01:04 AM
beautifulansuz beautifulansuz is offline
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Default meeting his other. help?!

So, after much deliberation and a mutual desire to attend the same conference, my partner and I have decided it's perfectly acceptable for me to meet his other girlfriend.

some quick background: I've been with him for just under a year and entered the relationship knowing his relationship with her had been ongoing and would continue even though they are recently long-distance. She has another partner who she considers her primary. He and I have not declared each other primaries but seem to act as such simply because she is a long drive away and I am close by. She and I have texted once or twice to say hello, but nothing more.

So we're going to the conference and as part of the experience I get to meet his girlfriend face to face for the first (and potentially only) time ever. Although we've talked extensively, he and I as well as the three of us via text messages, I'm terrified. How do I not mess up what he has with her? What if seeing us side by side destroys something for him? What if she's ugly?! What if she and I can't get along in person? What if we don't actually 'hang out' or anything and she just exists? What if my jealousy rears its ugly head when it's not just knowing he's having sex with her but that he's having sex with her and I could (in theory) interrupt it?

Am I freaking out for no good reason...or have other people met their partner's other when that person was never going to be/become a third for you as a couple?
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  #2  
Old 10-23-2013, 01:49 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
How do I not mess up what he has with her?
You behave like a polite normal regular person and let them deal with their relationship. You could talk to BF to see if he can spot any possible sore spots and make the plan to address them NOW so you can feel prepared.

Quote:
What if seeing us side by side destroys something for him?
What do you think it will destroy and how are his thoughts/feelings your responsibility? In other words... say he sees you both side by side. It destroys _____. This is bad/horrible how?


Quote:
What if she's ugly?!
This is bad/ horrible how? You and your partner will not always find the same kinds of people attractive. If you want to solve this ahead of time, ask him to show you a picture of her. There.

Quote:
What if she and I can't get along in person?
You say "Excuse me. This feels a bit awkward and I feel a bit overwhelmed. I'd like to have a time out to regroup. I'll check back in later."

And you leave and go have a time out.

Quote:
What if we don't actually 'hang out' or anything and she just exists?
You say "I am worried you aren't being included in the conversation. Are you doing ok there? Could you be willing to let me know so I can feel not worried?"

Quote:
What if my jealousy rears its ugly head when it's not just knowing he's having sex with her but that he's having sex with her and I could (in theory) interrupt it?
You could talk to him about this NOW, and ask if he plans to have sex with her on this conference trip and what you might need for before care/after care if so.

Maybe it means you don't go to meet her. But could sort it now rather than wait til the last minute. See if that helps alleviate your anxiety about that issue and have relief about it now to lessen your anxiety load.

Sometimes taking assertive action is better than "what iffing" in your head for relieving anxiety.

Quote:
Am I freaking out for no good reason...
You are feeling anxious. Could not evaluate it as for "bad" or "good" reasons. Could just accept that's what you are dealing with right now and let it blow on through. Could focus on behaviors to bring the anxiety level back down rather than fighting that it is even there to be felt.

Could stop with the "should" talk in your head if you are also having some of that. Change it to "could" so you aren't hearing "I should do this I should do that" and it becomes "I could do this, I could do that."

Quote:
or have other people met their partner's other when that person was never going to be/become a third for you as a couple?
Are you hoping she becomes a third for you as a couple? Or worried YOU will be asked to be a third in their couple? In other words... are you worried you will be asked to consider changing from a "V" to a "triad?" on this trip?

If so you can say "No thank you. I am not prepared to consider that at this time. I can only deal with one big thing at a time and just meeting the other GF on this trip is huge for me. I'll need time at home to digest that before taking on a new big thing like changing boundaries of this relationship."

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-23-2013 at 01:59 AM.
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  #3  
Old 10-23-2013, 02:50 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
. . . my partner and I have decided it's perfectly acceptable for me to meet his other girlfriend.
Is this something she wants, as well? Or did the two of you decide to do this without asking her if she wants to meet you there? Just asking, since you didn't mention what her wishes are.

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Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
She has another partner who she considers her primary . . . She and I have texted once or twice to say hello, but nothing more.
Okay, sounds good - she knows what's going on and you two have respectfully acknowledged each other's existence.

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Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
How do I not mess up what he has with her? What if seeing us side by side destroys something for him?
I really don't understand this. What he has with her is not dependent upon what he has with you. Why would you feel your mere presence could "destroy" something? She has a primary, knows about you, and presumably wants to meet you. Sounds like you're thinking like a monogamous person, as if comparison will make him want to choose, or something like that. Let it go. He is a grown-up, right? He seems to have been able to manage his relationships up to now, so seeing you two at the same time shouldn't shake up his whole world - but if it does, for some strange reason, it's up to him to handle it. It certainly wouldn't be the responsibility or fault of his girlfriends if he gets all weirded out.

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Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
What if she's ugly?!
This question is so mean-spirited and unkind, I can't even begin to understand why you wrote this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
What if she and I can't get along in person? What if we don't actually 'hang out' or anything and she just exists?
Then don't hang out. I assume you are going to this conference because what is being presented there interests you and it is not just to meet her. Go over the conference schedule, get involved in the program and events, and if you and she are not getting along then limit your interaction with her, or be as polite and pleasant as possible and relieved that it's just for a short time. And know that she is probably there for more than just meeting you, too, so give her space if she seems to want it.

Are you all sharing a room? Perhaps it would be smarter not to, since you don't really know each other.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
What if my jealousy rears its ugly head when it's not just knowing he's having sex with her but that he's having sex with her and I could (in theory) interrupt it?
Are you jealous of her now? If not, why would you be jealous there? If yes, then I assume you have ways to handle your emotions. If you are afraid of barging in on them or interrupting them having sex, then figure out a schedule or at least ask that he be very clear about who he will spend the night with, etc. If you know what's going on, then you wouldn't walk in uninvited, would you? Common sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beautifulansuz View Post
Am I freaking out for no good reason...or have other people met their partner's other when that person was never going to be/become a third for you as a couple?
Yes, you are freaking out unnecessarily. Calm down. Not all poly configurations are meant to be a "couple plus one." That is actually the exception rather than the usual.

She is simply your metamour, just another person, a human being - and potentially a friend! Get to know her, relax, stop worrying. When you are there, figure out what you need to feel comfortable - is it less time with them, more alone time with him, clear communication on whether you are all hanging out together or not, alone time with her, time to socialize and meet other conference participants, or time to be by yourself? Then ask for it, plain and simple. It's perfectly fine to say to both of them, "I've never been in this kind of situation before. It feels a little awkward to me, so I need _____ to feel more comfortable."
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-23-2013 at 03:06 PM.
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  #4  
Old 10-24-2013, 10:31 PM
beautifulansuz beautifulansuz is offline
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Thank you for the responses. You guys are awesome. @nycindie, I've seen her and she's nowhere near ugly. That wasn't a serious question. I forget sometimes that there are individuals in the world who actually do have that thought seriously sometimes and that it is weird of me to blurt such things out in the midst of a totally irrational freak out.

Really, I should've not impulsively posted. There have been loads of conversations on both sides (all sides really) about this for months. I'm as prepared as one can reasonably be while jumping in the dark. I have a lot more to contemplate I think...

Last edited by beautifulansuz; 10-24-2013 at 10:33 PM. Reason: Typos
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  #5  
Old 10-25-2013, 02:01 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Then it sounds like you were just wanting to vent and blow off some steam. That's fine.

GG
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