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  #21  
Old 10-12-2013, 09:40 PM
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Murasaki Murasaki is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by magnet View Post
You cant give up on love.
Yes you can, and in many cases you should. Loving someone doesn't automatically make it healthy for you to be around them.
This. Something to remember, and possibly to live by.
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Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (broken up-not sure what we are now)
Child of Murasaki & Kuroi - Momoiroi

In LTR of 20 years, married for 13 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.
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  #22  
Old 10-12-2013, 09:46 PM
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Kevin T,
Iím not sure what to tell you, basically Iím not sure what I am comfortable sharing right now.

It was not just NRE things that caused issues. There are also things that my ex specifically DID, things said, behaviors that Iím not ok having in my life. The problem right now I think, is that Kuroi is still in contact with my ex, possibly still dating. That I donít know for sure bothers me greatly. Honesty, and trust are a big deal for me right now.

Something still being talked about. It is difficult to have these conversations because I struggle to remain calm. As in my temper isnít productive.
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Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (broken up-not sure what we are now)
Child of Murasaki & Kuroi - Momoiroi

In LTR of 20 years, married for 13 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.
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  #23  
Old 10-13-2013, 03:48 AM
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Murasaki Murasaki is offline
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Default Thank you LR

This speaks to me. So I wanted to save it here for reading again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
DISCLAIMER: ramblings may not pertain to you-I am thinking about my thoughts in regards to a half empty glass kind of person who is trying to figure out how to be happy in their life... Please feel free to skip this monologue! No need for replies unless the topic REALLY interests or moves you. All questions are rhetorical. For the whole post "you" means "half empty person who wants to find happiness.


I know "you" are trying to get a grasp on yourself, your life and your relationships. You seek that peace and happiness you see on my face when I'm not dealing with your drama.

I sympathise, I really do.

I just flat don't know how to help you.

Certain things one just has to DECIDE to do in life.

There isn't much anyone else can do or say to make it better until your choice is made and you start down the path of your choosing.

For example:

Deciding to roll with the punches and focus on the good things in life, not the bad.

Sure-I could have ended our relationship with you over all the little b.s. that went wrong.
But I chose to focus on all the little b.s that went right.

It's not like I'm in denial-I'm fully aware of what went wrong and I acknowledge and accept it for what it is. Hell I even use it when I'm trying to help others see a path through their own darkness.

But I don't FOCUS on it. It is what it is and it can't be changed, but not EVERYTHING was bad and not EVERYTHING went wrong.

You talk like our whole relationship has been a disaster because I fell in love with someone else.

But I never fell out of love with you. Not for one second in a random single minute of a short single hour of an unmemorably boring single day, in that stupid week we forgot about, that random year of our decade+ together.

I fell in love with someone else as well. I needed support through some of that negative b.s. But I didn't leave and though I didn't do it all quite right-I stuck by you and pushed myself to keep growing and learning so I could continue to do it better with each passing day.

Should we should take a paper and a pen, make a list called "all you did wrong vs all I did wrong" and see who can make the longest list? Will it help to drag ourself through each hurtful memory? Will it give you peace?

How will we identify which things are worse?

How do we decide if the item on one side is equal to the item on the other?

Where does one draw the line?

Do you just take it item for item regardless of how damaging something was?

No?

Then how does one identify what WAS most damaging?

The problem is that what is severely damaging to you may only be mildly damaging to me and vice versa.... So how will we keep this straight? It's your list, maybe you should make the rules.

But may I make a simple request?

When this list of wrongs done between us two-can we also make a list of all the little things that I did right vs the ones you did too?

Can our list include every single tiny thing, no matter how miniscule?

Then can we take your list and compare it to mine and see if there is just cause for you to feel that all we've had is so invaluable that it's worth pouring that glass down the proverbial drain?



You see my love-I see the glass as half full. I look upon your heartbroken, frightened face and even when I'm so damn mad I want to scream, I see your precious heart.
I see it glowing in your face and feel a longing once again to join it with mine.

You feel threatened and fearful, like maybe you are missing some key piece of me.You figure if I give my love to another then I must have less when I come to you.

You say "X gets what X wants and you get what you want but I only get what's left over."

Is that really how it is? Because somehow it doesn't feel like that at all to me. I guess we're not acting in the same movie or hearing the same song.

He holds me in his arms telling me he loves me, reassuring me that all will be well and holding my Hyde at bay.

He brainstorms how to help your every minute problem when he could be immersed in play.

He spends his days creating the peace that means so much to you when you come home at the end of the day.

He spends his life devoted to loving you though you refuse to love him too.

He's given up his world to be the one who can make me the woman you need me to be....

So what exactly is it that you think you lost? I fear you have it backwards in your beautiful little head my love, because the truth is that he gives you all he's found in life, he doesn't take anything away. I have so much more to give you because he's there to carry some of the load.

That cup my dear is precious to me and if it matters not to you because you think it's half empty-then maybe it's me who is only getting "what's left".

But what's left is a treasure to me and I'll take what's left, please don't throw it away.

You can look for a lifetime for the glass you want that's full.

This half-full glass is exactly what I want and need
and
I'll keep it if you please!
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Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (broken up-not sure what we are now)
Child of Murasaki & Kuroi - Momoiroi

In LTR of 20 years, married for 13 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.
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  #24  
Old 10-13-2013, 09:12 PM
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I definitely think you should know (for sure) whether or not Kuroi is contacting/dating your ex before you agree to any other new relationships. Just my opinion.
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  #25  
Old 10-13-2013, 10:46 PM
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I broke up with Kuroi last night.

I still Love Kuroi, still want Kuroi in my life, but our romantic relationship is over. At least for now. I can hope that things will change, but I do not expect that it will. I am sad, hurt, and angry.

Kuroi cried with my arms for comfort. We are still each others friend. I answered every question,with as much truth as I had to give. I have lived for the last 6+ months in a situation I did not want, and was not accepting of. A situation of Kuroi's choice. I made a different choice for my own health and well being.

Now talks will turn to other things, away from any Poly between us, and towards Kuroi moving out. A side from requesting a move out date, I will leave the talking up to Kuroi for the moment. I have said as much as I can. I have made so many attempts to work at our marriage, It took more then me to break it, it will take more than me to repair it. Made this time apart will help Kuroi decide what Kuroi really wants, will give Kuroi the inner knowledge to make the words spoken Match the thing Kuroi choose to do.

I am done with broken agreements, and promises. Done with be asked to forgive the same mistakes over and over. Done being hurt. Time to focus on me, find who I am today, and decide what I really want, and who I want to be tomorrow.
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Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (broken up-not sure what we are now)
Child of Murasaki & Kuroi - Momoiroi

In LTR of 20 years, married for 13 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.
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  #26  
Old 10-14-2013, 12:10 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am sorry about your break-up. I do hope that you will be okay in time. You have to take care of yourself. Sending hugs your way.

Ry
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Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
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  #27  
Old 10-14-2013, 04:28 AM
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Sorry to hear that, Murasaki. Sounds like it was for the best. I had a bad feeling when you mentioned he might still be seeing your ex behind your back. Any relationship, monogamous or polyamorous, needs honesty. So that's one strike against him, and it sounds like there were other behaviors as well.
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  #28  
Old 10-20-2013, 02:03 PM
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Kuroi and I have had a few talks with each other this week. Many of which have been very anger and sadness filled. Thursday we both came to the conclusion that we donít really want our relationship to end, but that what we need is time away from each other. Space.

We have talked about Kuroi moving out. Kuroi has been actively looking for and at Studio apartments. We have talked about splitting up child care needs. So that we each have the days/night we want/need to get out and be social. We briefly talked about my need to have time alone to be home, and to be out. So Kuroi is considering how often Kuroi goes out alone, and how often I have all the household and childcare needs as my sole responsibility with no physical help from Kuroi. Something we are still talking about.

After last night Kuroi is talking about setting some time aside to really think about what Kuroi want in relationship with my ex (time to give a name I suppose. Kimidori). Kimidori has an obsessive personality when it comes to intimate relationships. Which is one of many reasons things didnít work out between Kimidori and I, and one reason Iím not ok with Kimidori in Kuroiís life. If that is what Kuroi wants in Kuroiís life I want no part of that. I do not want to be subject to that mentality, and do not what my relationships belittled by a meta, ever.

Kuroi asked me to hangout last night, so we listened to music, and made drinks at our place and partied with Momoiroi for several hours, then went out for a bite to eat, and coffee. During that time Kimidori messaged Kuroi a min of twice an hour. Kuroi only sent one message in reply, basically saying that Kuroi was busy. (They had talked on and off all morning through mid afternoon). I had made it clear after Kuroi told Kimidori that Kuroi was out and busy that I wasnít ok with Kuroi chatting with Kimidori all night. I have had this conversation with Kuroi before, that if Kuroi is inviting me out and I accept, my acceptance does not include Kimidori. A couple of polite messages sure, but after seeing the one complaining about Kuroi spending time out with me, nope. That kind of conversation needs to be had when Iím not around.

Kuroi and I have never sent many messages while Kuroi is out with Kimidori, and I expected the same treatment. I made it clear that messages between them need to be considerate of any time Kuroi is spending with me, just like mine to Kuroi are when Kuroi is out. Our messages are short, and are not me complaining about Kuroi being out with someone else, or expecting Kuroi to drop what ever Kuroi is doing to come hangout/spend the evening with me instead. Kimidori does not act that way, and as soon as I knew that's how things were going Again, I put my foot down. No more message with Kimidori, or take me back home now. I donít understand why Kuroi is willing to put up with that kind of thing. To me these messages have a whiny manipulative tone, and I only read the one Kuroi sent, and the reply Kimidori gave to it.

We talked about it a little this morning before Kuroi left for work. Kuroiís not sure what to expect in relationship with Kimidori, or what is even available. Kuroi is talking about spending tonight and tomorrow considering what Kuroi really wants with Kimidori, all Kuroi has decided for sure is that there wonít be any serious commitments. Of course Kuroi isnít even sure they are dating right now, right now Kuroi and Kimidori are at a crossroads, or so it sounds.

In a lot of ways I would rather listen to Kuroiís issues with Kimidori than have to think about my own. Listening to their issues, bring up ours so that isnít always a good conversational choice.

Kuroi and I talked more about our relationship, and where things are, and what we would have liked to have happened. There is still passion, and desire between us. I was somewhat surprised by this as I had been feeling those dwindling (at least on my end). Kuroi and I have not been sexual in weeks, I did not feel Kuroi was still desiring me, and our kisses didnít seem to hold passion any longer. It was just another good reason to end things when I did. But in talking things out more there is more to it that that.

For one thing I have not been feeling very sexual overall due to the emotional turmoil between Kuroi and I. My idea for intimacy, is some what different than Kuroiís. This hasnít changed and isnít new, but we havenít really talked about it before. We did last night, well a little bit. We both admitted that the things we love about each other we still see in each other. We admit that we still love each other, still want to be together. Kuroi is understanding why I have called things off, and tells me that Kuroi misses being intimate with me. Kuroi wishes there was something to do that would help me to not be so hurt, sad and angry so much of the time.

Over this week I have sent a lot of emails to Kuroi. In them are details of what has happened between us that have caused so much distance to grow. And details that show what I have been asking of Kuroi, and how what I have asked isnít strange. While Kuroi didnít technically ďcheatĒ on me a lot of the emotionís and lost trust are very similar to what a spouse who has been cheated on goes through. I found these things recently, and did not know that I was reacting that way. Well now I know, and can share what i have learned about it.

So Kuroi intends to read what I have shared and learned, and then talk with me about these things. Maybe those conversations will be more productive once Kuroi has a better understand of what I have been asking, and why. I hope so at least. Especially if Kuroi really does want to be able to make something work between us again later on.
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Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (broken up-not sure what we are now)
Child of Murasaki & Kuroi - Momoiroi

In LTR of 20 years, married for 13 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.
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  #29  
Old 10-20-2013, 09:04 PM
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Sounds like Kimidori is kind of a demanding person. Any idea what's got Kuroi so interested in her; does she have some kind of redeeming qualities that he focuses on?

Hope you guys get some stuff worked out. I got the impression that Kuroi has a hard time understanding you for some reason? Maybe this "time apart" you're planning on implementing will help you adjust the mode of your communication somehow.

I agree that there are some reasonable limits to texts being sent to and from the other partner who's not there. Maybe Kimidori has a hard time understanding appropriate boundaries?
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